


Break of Dawn

by comefeedtherainn



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lemons, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:47:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 49
Words: 156,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comefeedtherainn/pseuds/comefeedtherainn
Summary: When Kaidan Alenko met John Shepard, he'd like to say that their eyes met and it was all inevitable from there. The thing was, John was kind of an ass. And Kaidan was kind of stubborn.UPDATES ON WEDNESDAYS.





	1. Chapter 1

Kaidan Alenko was absolutely garbage at playing cards, and he knew for a fact that it was because he passed his palm over his biotic amp when he was nervous. Sometimes, if the situation was really tense, he’d leave it there, cupping the base of his skull in an absent protective gesture. His mother always used to nag him to keep it clean, to protect it, to ensure that it continued to work properly. Like somehow it was going to short circuit and he’d overload like a microwave on the fritz.

He kept his hand clamped over the back of his neck as he tilted his head back, squinting into the sun as he took in the imposing presence of his new assignment, the Normandy SR-1. She wasn’t nearly as big as other frigates he’d seen, being outfitted specifically for recon, but he supposed his nerves made her seem larger than she was. Didn’t matter how many years he served, new assignments still made him uneasy. Mostly because a new assignment meant new people, new explanations - yes he was an L2, no he wasn’t crazy, no he wasn’t going to _go_ crazy. He’d been given mandatory weekly visits with the ship’s medical officer to keep tabs on his mental health, and he hadn’t even boarded yet. Still. Could’ve been worse. At least he’d been getting promotions, commendations.

He could have brain cancer. It was the little things.

He let out the breath he’d been holding very slowly, through his nose, and hiked his duffel farther up his shoulder before ascending the ramp into the vessel. He glanced over his shoulder briefly, getting his last look at Earth for quite a while, and nearly smacked his face into a door sealed shut. He blinked, straightening as the door leading to the dock slid shut as well, a hiss sounding throughout the tiny room Kaidan now found himself in as it sealed completely. After several seconds he nearly leapt out of his skin as a blue beam of light scanned him and the rest of the room, twice back and forth. _Decontamination complete_ , a disembodied voice announced, and Kaidan raised his eyebrows. Fancy. The Normandy was clearly a significant investment for the Alliance.

He shook his head as the ship entrance opened, allowing him to step through. As the world was left behind a closed door, he was instantly struck with relative silence. All that permeated it was soft voices, distant from another room. He turned right at the hall, eyebrows raising as he found himself in what could only be the CIC, bustling with staff and an absolute marvel of technology. He’d heard that the Normandy was an experimental vessel, decked out with advanced tech and on call to Admiral Hackett himself for use in stealth missions. Still, Kaidan hadn’t expected it to look so different from anything he’d ever seen during his service. While much of the construction was distinctly Alliance, something about the upgrades and the CIC itself gave it an unfamiliar air. Like it didn’t belong to them.

He must have looked lost, staring around the oval room like an idiot, because he was stopped by a staff member stepping in front of him and asking as much. “Lieutenant Alenko,” he explained, smiling apologetically. “Sorry, just uh, looking for the crew quarters.”

The staff member paused for a moment, probably recognizing his name, before seeming to come back to herself. “Elevator at the back of the room,” she instructed, nodding her head toward the elevator behind the CO’s station. “Deck two.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Kaidan entered the elevator, taking a breath or two during the short ride. He knew it was childish to hope that every new person he met would respect his privacy as she had - not ask questions, not look at him funny - but he still held out a tiny glimmer of hope. He was an optimist, sue him. He lifted his chin back up when the elevator doors parted, and stepped through,smiling with relief when he emerged onto the crew deck. Now that was definitely familiar, distinctly human military design, crazy tech at a minimum. Thank fuck. He peeked into rooms, feeling a little lighter in the chest, and finally found one lined with bunks and bustling with other marines. He spotted a locker across the room with his name emblazoned on it, and headed for it, feeling eyes on him. No one he recognized. He screamed internally as he waited for them to put things together.

“Alenko, huh?”

Kaidan put on a smile and looked over his shoulder briefly, not even really taking in the appearance of the soldier that had spoken to him. “Yep. That’s me.”

“So you’re that L2.”

“Well, I’m also other things,” Kaidan drawled, lifting his eyes to the ceiling as he shoved the few things he’d brought with him into the locker. “But, yeah.”

“So are you like, crazy or something?”

Kaidan turned to face the guy, who he now noticed was a Corporal, last name Jenkins, according to his badge, with white and freckled skin and regulation buzzed hair. “Not that I know of,” he responded, raising an eyebrow and forcing himself not to cross his arms. _No defensiveness. You have nothing to hide_. “I went through the same screenings as you.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean much,” Jenkins snorted, lounging in his chair. “Just ‘cause you’re not crazy now doesn’t mean you won’t short-circuit later, Alenko.”

“Cute,” Kaidan hummed, drawing himself up a bit. “But I’ve got about four levels of rank on you, so in the future you can refer to me as Lieutenant when you call me crazy, Corporal.”

Jenkins blinked a few times, sitting up a little straighter, and a few of the guys spread around the small room snickered. “Yeah, well…” He huffed, scowling down at the table. “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

Kaidan didn’t respond, turning to close his locker and immediately weaving through the men and beds to escape. He’d known shit like that was going to happen, would continue to happen, but it still pissed him off every time. A knot was settled in his gut as he stalked down the hall, not sure where he was going, and he nearly ran face-first into someone as they rounded the corner. “Shit. Sorry,” he mumbled, glancing up at the man he’d run into. His brain needed a moment to take in the telltale scar on the man’s buzzed hairline, and then he was stood at attention, saluting clumsily. “Commander Shepard. Sir.”

Commander Shepard returned the gesture, his expression unreadable. “At ease, soldier.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t looking. Um. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko,” Kaidan added, feeling a little flustered but not entirely sure why.

Shepard nodded, his expression still odd and a bit stony. His eyes were the brightest blue Kaidan had ever seen, and he imagined they would be piercing if he was making any effort at eye contact. “Watch where you’re going, Lieutenant,” he said, before moving around Kaidan and continuing down the hall. Kaidan blinked and watched him go over his shoulder, his lips parted in surprise.

Wow. What a dick.

* * *

Kaidan had heard quite a bit about their XO, Commander John Shepard, before ever setting foot on the Normandy. The guy was basically a legend, the sole survivor of the massacre on Akuze, a ruthless bastard and a trusted ally both, if anecdotes were to be believed. Kaidan spent his first few days on the Normandy eavesdropping, keeping to himself as he usually did, and gathering information on the mysterious Commander. He wouldn’t have been so interested if the stories weren’t so…conflicting. The same men that would sing praises of Shepard’s bravery and inspiration were also scared shitless of him. Kaidan couldn’t blame them.

Shepard was aloof at best, a barking asshole at worst. Training exercises were a fucking doozy, for example. Most C.O.’s shouted, that was just the military. There was just something about the way Shepard did it that got on Kaidan’s nerves, like the guy was doing it just to be a dick. Or to see what they would do to retaliate, if anything. Kaidan didn’t like the feeling of being weeded out, he’d gotten plenty of that at fucking brain camp to last him a lifetime. Not to mention the fact that he wasn’t a Private anymore; if he wasn’t committed by now, when would he ever be?

He said as much to Shepard one morning, running on three hours of sleep and enough pain medication to kill a horse after waking with a throbbing migraine. Shepard paused, ceasing his slow march up and down the shooting range. He’d been shouting at Kaidan and a few other soldiers, including Dickweed Jenkins, as they worked with targets on the far end of the room.

“Say something, Alenko?” Shepard asked, facing him fully and raising a (perfectly manicured, who the fuck was this guy?) eyebrow.

Kaidan considered saying no, letting it go, but he turned to meet Shepard’s gaze instead, shoulders squared. “I said I’m not a Private anymore, sir. I know how to shoot a rifle.”

Shepard’s expression didn’t change save for his eyes, which slid up and down Kaidan’s body in a way that made him question if it was simple appraisal or…something else. “Yes,” Shepard said eventually, the corner of his mouth twitching just a bit. Was Shepard capable of smiling? Kaidan wasn’t sure. “We’re all very impressed, _Lieutenant_. Hit the target a couple of times and maybe I’ll believe you.”

Kaidan pursed his lips, averting his eyes. “Sorry, Commander,” he muttered darkly, scowling and turning back toward the target he’d been trying to hit. Trying, being the key word. Shepard was right, he’d been missing it a lot, but his fucking vision was black in places from the goddamn migraine. He rubbed his eye, trying to force it to work or at least dull the sharp pain behind it. He thought he saw Shepard watching him for an extra moment, but when he glanced his way, he’d already turned his back.

As Kaidan was putting his rifle back in it’s locker an hour later, feeling quite dejected, he nearly leapt out of his skin when someone approached him from behind and spoke in a deep monotone.

“Alenko.”

Kaidan relaxed only marginally when he realized it was Shepard, turning to face him slowly. “Commander.”

Shepard watched him silently for a moment, his arms crossed over his broad chest. They were littered with scars, some tiny and white, some large and bumpy and pink. Kaidan tried not to stare at them. “Migraine?” Shepard finally asked, his brow furrowed a bit.

“Huh? Oh. Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, shrugging one shoulder.

“You’re an L2, right? Chakwas filled me in,” Shepard told him, shifting his weight to his other foot.

A swoop clutched Kaidan’s gut and he swallowed, forcing himself to hold Shepard’s eyes. _You have nothing to hide_. “Yes, sir. No complications other than migraines, though. Don’t worry.”

Shepard nodded, seeming to take him at his word, and Kaidan resisted the urge to scoff in surprise. “Speak to Chakwas about getting some better meds, alright? Can’t give you a day off for a headache. Not that you'd want one. Your record is impressive.”

“You looked up my record?” Kaidan asked, though he realized it was kind of a stupid question once he said it. Shepard was the XO, of course he’d want to brush up on the crew. Still, something about the idea of Shepard looking him up specifically felt…well. It felt like something.

Shepard smirked a little, lopsidedly, and nodded. “Yeah. You’re a regular boyscout. All kinds of shiny commendations and promotions.” Kaidan pursed his lips, about to complain about being mocked. “So there’s no need to go flashing your rank around at everyone that fucks with you. You’re not that kind of man. Are you?”

Kaidan opened his mouth, then closed it slowly. Shit. He had been doing that. “…it’s a protective tactic, sir. I get defensive on new assignments. I get shit a lot.”

“Mm. Well.” Shepard lowered his arms, straightening fully. “Anyone gives you shit, you let me know. But don’t go around acting like this vessel is a dick measuring contest, or you’ll have to answer to me.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the slight smile. “Yes, Commander. Won’t happen again.”

“Good.” And then Shepard clapped his shoulder, the warmest gesture Kaidan had seen from him, yet. Even if it did hurt a little. “Glad to have you aboard, Alenko.”

“Glad to be aboard, Shepard. I mean. Commander.”

Shepard’s lips spread into what could almost be called a real smile, though it still had that crooked quality that made it not quite reach his eyes. Like the Commander had things to hide. “Just Shepard is fine when we’re not in the field.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows but didn’t argue. “Oh. Alright. Shepard.” He watched the man walk away - it seemed that Shepard was always the first to flee from a conversation - and shook his head.

Strange guy.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan fucking hated doctors. He’d been poked and prodded both physically and emotionally for so long that just seeing someone in a white lab coat activated his fight or flight instinct. He expected that at some point, certainly by adulthood, he’d have gotten used to it, but apparently not. He thought he might be sick as he rode the elevator down to the crew quarters, ten minutes early for his meeting with the Normandy’s medical officer, Dr. Karin Chakwas. He’d heard she was a bit of a hard-ass, but the other soldiers that had worked with her before spoke fondly. He hoped that was a good sign.

He lifted his chin as the elevator doors parted, blowing out a heavy breath that puffed out his cheeks, before quite literally marching toward the med bay. He knocked once he reached it, stepping inside when a voice called for him to enter. The stark white and chrome instantly put him on edge, and his hand twitched as he resisted the urge to press it over his amp. His attention was drawn to a woman as she spun to face him in her desk chair, her hair a silver bob and her blue-green eyes instantly giving him the feeling of being observed closely. It made his skin crawl, a bit, but he was mature enough to realize that was personal damage. Still, he almost felt like he had to force himself to speak. “Ma’am. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko,” he introduced himself. “Sorry, I’m a little early.”

“Ah, yes. A pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant. I’m Dr. Karin Chakwas,” she said, though she didn’t smile, and got to her feet. She held out her hand, and he forced himself not to raise his eyebrows as he shook it firmly. “Please, have a seat.” Kaidan glanced at the examination table, his jaw clenching just a bit, but she waved a hand at him. “No, no, just take the spare chair. No need for that.”

Kaidan’s sigh of relief must have been audible, because he found himself fixed with a calculating stare. He avoided it as he lowered himself into the chair across from Chakwas’ desk, trying not to appear too stiff but unable to relax. “Tea, Lieutenant?” Chakwas asked, after several moments of silence.

Kaidan blinked at her, his lips parting silently for a moment. “Um. No thank you, ma’am.”

Chakwas nodded, getting to her feet and pouring herself a top up of her pre-existing mug. She had an electric kettle sitting in the corner of her desk. “So. I understand you’re signed up for weekly evaluations of your mental state.”

“That’s what I was told, yeah,” Kaidan nodded, unable to help glancing around the uninviting room. The only bits of color were photographs Chakwas had on her desk, of people Kaidan could only assume were her family, and a small cactus beside them.

Chakwas took a sip of her tea, and Kaidan wanted to scream a bit at how much silence she was allowing to sit between them. He wasn’t sure how to fill it, though, so he just gripped the arms of his chair and held his breath. “To be frank with you, Kaidan - is it alright if I call you Kaidan?” When he nodded awkwardly, she continued. “To be frank, Kaidan, my background is strictly in medicine. Psychology was only a minimal part of my training.”

“Oh.” Kaidan wasn’t sure what to say that that, so he said nothing.

“I will have no trouble keeping an eye on your implants, I can assure you of that,” she told him, her expression so confident that Kaidan had to believe her. “And I can assess you for any other symptoms or complications that may arise. I understand from your medical report that you experience migraines.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan confirmed, meeting her eyes for the first time. “I need to talk to you about that, by the way. Commander Shepard suggested that I ask you for stronger meds.”

“Of course. We can certainly look into it,” Chakwas agreed, and though she didn’t appear to be a smiley type of woman, Kaidan was sure he could see one in her eyes. He decided he wouldn’t mind being mandated to see this doctor. “And, as I said, I will monitor you for additional symptoms. But I’m afraid that the most I can offer for mental illnesses is medication.”

“If it comes to that, I think I’d prefer a pill,” Kaidan scoffed quietly. “I can’t really afford to deal with therapy in the field, ma’am. Takes too long.”

Chakwas sipped her tea again, but her eyes were piercing as she watched Kaidan over the lip of the mug. After another long stretch of silence she set it aside and retrieved a clipboard instead, stuffed with evaluation forms. Kaidan let out another quiet sigh, though apparently not quiet enough, as the doctor smirked at him.

“You hate doctors.” He was dead silent, trying to decide how to respond. She chuckled quietly, retrieving a pen. “Oh, don’t think you’re going to offend me. I haven’t met an L2 yet that didn’t distrust me, and for good reason.”

“You’ve met a lot of L2’s?” Kaidan asked, watching her scribbling identifying information on the first form.

“Not a lot, but a handful.” She didn’t say more than that, and Kaidan wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she’d say if he decided to pry. “Alright, Lieutenant. Let’s get these forms over with, shall we?”

Kaidan smiled a bit, sitting back in his seat. “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

“I’d like you to come back tomorrow evening for a physical,” Chakwas instructed, seeing him out of the med bay at the door. “Strictly routine, on-boarding procedure.”

“I’ll be here, ma’am,” Kaidan promised. “And uh, thank you.”

She seemed to understand him and smiled just a bit, inclining her head. “See you tomorrow, Kaidan.” With that, the door slid shut behind her, sealing with a soft hiss. Kaidan took a breath, a weight lifting off of his shoulders. Okay. He could do that every week. He turned and headed toward the cargo bay, checking a clock and realizing he was already late for hand-to-hand training. He swore softly, knowing Shepard was going to give him shit, and picked up his pace.

As expected, Shepard shouted to him as soon as he set foot out of the elevator. “Nice of you to join us, Lieutenant.”

“Sorry, sir. Had a meeting with Dr. Chakwas,” Kaidan explained, jogging toward him.

“That’s nice. Three laps,” Shepard said sharply, jerking his head to indicate Kaidan should get moving. “Now.”

Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes until he’d turned around. “Yes, sir,” he muttered, before starting to jog. _Fucking asshole_. He made three laps around the perimeter of the cargo bay, ignoring the other soldiers glancing at him out of the corners of their eyes as they practiced hand-to-hand in pairs. As he wrapped up the third lap he came to a gradual stop in front of Shepard, hoping his brief salute was sarcastic enough.

Shepard seemingly ignored the sassy look on his face and approached him, out of his usual trim uniform and wearing a skin-tight t-shirt instead. Or - no. Just a t-shirt. _What the fuck_? Kaidan shook himself mentally, standing at attention as Shepard came to a halt before him. “Alright, Alenko. Since you were fashionably late, you’re gonna be pairing with me for hand-to-hand. Lucky you.”

“Lucky me,” Kaidan agreed dryly, and he thought he saw the corner of the Commander’s mouth twitch.

“Over here.” Shepard led them to a free space, cracking his neck and shoulders. Kaidan only realized he was staring after they locked eyes again, and he shut his jaw with a snap. Jesus, he needed to get it together. He stretched out his own joints briefly, then slipped into a defensive stance.

Kaidan could admit that he didn’t often practice hand-to-hand, mostly because his biotics made it largely unnecessary, from his point of view. A few cracks to the jaw later, and he was starting to wonder if that was accurate. He grunted from a particularly solid hit, stumbling backward a couple of steps.

“This is pathetic, Alenko,” Shepard scolded, watching him with a set jaw and sharp eyes. Kaidan had managed to get a couple good hits in, but Shepard had gotten way more. He was quick, dodging and shifting and jabbing so fast Kaidan struggled to keep up. He threw another punch, and Kaidan dodged, only to have an elbow dug into his spine and send him lurching forward. “Come on, wake up, Lieutenant!” Shepard snapped, clearly becoming frustrated.

Kaidan’s face burned with frustration. “Sorry, sir.”

“Sorry won’t cut it when you get your damn neck snapped because you’re too slow without your biotics,” Shepard said cuttingly, and Kaidan actually flinched a little. Shepard never beat around the bush, he noticed. “You fight like shit.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kaidan muttered, sarcastically. He wondered how much of that he was going to get away with. Although, Shepard didn’t bark at him for insubordination like another C.O. might. Kaidan could give him that much. He was an asshole, but he didn’t seem to mind if you were an asshole right back. Within reason, of course.

“Alright,” Shepard huffed, straightening and narrowing his eyes a bit as he watched Kaidan wipe the sweat from his forehead with his arm. “Here’s the deal. You and me and are gonna meet for an hour or two in the evenings to work on your hand-to-hand. Until you stop fighting like a limp noodle.”

Kaidan’s gut sank a bit as he imagined getting his ass kicked by the Commander every night for the foreseeable future. “Yes, sir,” he sighed, nodding once. “Thank you, sir.”

“No need to lie to me, Lieutenant,” Shepard smirked, clapping his shoulder. “Let’s go again.”

Kaidan pursed his lips but crouched defensively again, lifting his fists and grunting as he took another hit to his gut.

* * *

After he’d showered and redressed following training, Kaidan’s feet took him to the cockpit. He’d met the pilot, Joker, on his second day aboard while he was exploring on his own. Kaidan had liked him almost immediately, enjoying his sense of humor and the fact that he didn’t give him the side eye when he told him his name. The only mention he’d made about Kaidan being an L2 was to commiserate about being a soldier with a disability.

_“It’s like they think I’m gonna shatter if they breathe on me too hard. I worked damn hard to get here. I’m not about to let some jar-heads decide I’m fragile.”_

Needless to say, Kaidan had decided he enjoyed his company, and tended to spend a lot of his time in the co-pilot’s chair. Joker didn’t really need a co-pilot, but Kaidan had some background in maintenance and tech, so it was a good excuse to look busy without sitting on his own and going nuts all the time. “Hey, Joker,” he greeted as he entered the cockpit, flopping into the chair and sighing heavily. He was damn sore from getting punched all over his fucking body for two hours.

“Hey, sunshine,” Joker snorted, glancing at him. “What are you brooding about now?”

“I don’t brood,” Kaidan huffed, scowling at him briefly. “…apparently I fight like shit. So Shepard has me doing one-on-one with him in the evenings.”

Joker burst into amused snickers. “Oh, man. Sucks to be you.”

“Fuck off,” Kaidan grumped, crossing his arms. “I’m about to get my ass kicked every night.”

“Yeah,” Joker grinned. “Like I said, sucks.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, though the corner of his mouth lifted a bit. “Why do I hang out with you again?”

“I assumed it had something to do with my looks,” Joker smirked, his eyes still on his display monitor.

“Keep dreaming.” Kaidan sighed, sitting back and fidgeting for a while. “Guess I could do with a bit more practice.”

“Yeah, it’d be cool if you didn’t get fucked up the second a weapon was out of your hands.”

“That’s what biotics are for,” Kaidan argued, expecting the scoff and eye roll before they even happened.

“Yeah yeah, you all say that. Then one day your amp gets water in it and suddenly you’re a helpless toddler.”

Kaidan laughed, grinning in amusement. “How do you think I shower, man?”

“I dunno. Tape a plastic bag over your neck?”

“Jesus.”

Joker just smirked, shaking his head. “Well, anyway, Shepard might be too distracted soon to give you much shit. Apparently we’re getting a Spectre on board for our first mission. Nihlus, I think Anderson said. Turian.”

“A Spectre?” Kaidan asked, eyebrows raising as he whistled lowly. “Damn. Must be serious.”

“Must be,” Joker scoffed. “Hope it’s a quick one. I don’t trust those guys.”

“What? Super soldiers with Council backing who are above the law make you uncomfortable?” Kaidan teased.

“Yeah. Just a bit.”


	3. Chapter 3

Nihlus and Shepard hated each other the second they met.

Well, Shepard certainly hated Nihlus. Everyone with eyes and ears could gather that. Nihlus was a reserved kind of guy, though, not giving much away. Kaidan supposed that was just how Spectres were. He also knew that they tended to prefer working alone, something that Kaidan was surprised to find really grated on Shepard’s nerves more than anything else.

“Why did they assign us as his squad in the first place if he was just gonna go off on his own?” Shepard snipped, he and Kaidan circling around each other with their fists raised defensively. Their private sessions had been going for a few days, now, and Kaidan could begrudgingly admit they weren’t as terrible as he’d expected they might be. “He’s such a dick. Like he thinks we’ll slow him down.”

“Easy, Shepard,” Kaidan smirked, dodging a punch and taking a step backward to regain balance. “That vein in your forehead looks like it’s gonna blow.”

“Bite me, Lieutenant,” Shepard muttered, and Kaidan couldn’t help snickering even as Shepard jabbed his gut with an elbow.

The Normandy had apparently been tasked with locating what was being called a Prothean beacon on the planet Eden Prime. The colony had recently been attacked, though by what, Kaidan couldn’t say. Shepard had apparently seen video of the incident, but he hadn’t given any details. Either he didn’t know who (or what) the attackers were, or it was information Kaidan wasn’t privy to, yet. He was used to that, but that didn’t stop him from sulking about it. Shepard had teased him for pouting.

Nihlus had been sent by the Citadel Council to assist them with recovering the beacon, though Kaidan had to admit, his current attitude made it seem like it was the other way around. Which it very well may have been; Spectres were the Council’s agents. It made sense that they would send someone they trusted to head such an important mission, with so many unanswered questions. Still…it did make Kaidan feel like he and the crew were more like backup. Or maybe cannon fodder.

Kaidan also had a feeling that there was something else getting to Shepard that he wasn’t sharing. It was in the tension of his shoulders, the creases between his brows. “Something on your mind, Commander?” Kaidan asked, straightening and wiping the sweat from his forehead.

“Just the usual. Spectres on the ship. Unknown enemies. All my favorite things,” Shepard drawled, taking the moment of rest to cross the room and take a few long pulls from his water bottle. Kaidan paused, staring as his Adam’s apple bobbed and unable to look away for several moments. He finally came back to himself when Shepard capped the bottle and set it aside.

“Yeah. Kinda wish they’d give us more information,” Kaidan admitted, stretching out his shoulders. “Seems like your recon team shouldn’t be quite this in the dark.”

“Nah,” Shepard smirked, and Kaidan flushed a bit at the way his lips tilted crookedly. Fucking hell, he was a grown man, this was ridiculous. “We’re the ones they gotta watch out for.”

“Watch it, Commander. Anderson hears that and your ass is court martialed,” Kaidan snickered, hoping the color in his ears wasn’t too noticeable.

Shepard snorted, smirking as he came back over. “Alright. I wanna work on your footwork for a second. You keep scurrying like a damn mouse and using up more energy than you have to.”

“I don’t scurry,” Kaidan huffed, watching Shepard closely anyway. He was a pain in the ass, but he knew what he was talking about.

“Here. I’m gonna try to hit you, show me how you dodge,” Shepard instructed, before throwing a punch toward Kaidan’s chest. Kaidan reeled backward, taking several steps back and realizing he did kind of skitter across the floor.

“Okay, well, I’m trying to get away,” Kaidan sighed. “What should I be doing?”

“You’re just taking too many steps. You take five when you’d only need one or two. Here.” Shepard beckoned for Kaidan to try striking at him this time, and he ducked underneath Kaidan’s punch, taking a step (maybe two, Kaidan couldn’t quite tell) and ending up somewhere over Kaidan’s shoulder. He barely had time to turn before Shepard had nailed him with a counter strike, and he pouted as he rubbed the sore spot. “No pouting, Lieutenant. You try, come on.”

Kaidan sighed, bracing himself as Shepard threw another fist. He took two longer steps backwards, but Shepard followed him, jabbing his gut, and he let out a frustrated grunt. “Now what did I do wrong?”

“Stepped directly backward,” Shepard grinned. “You gotta move to the side. The second they spend finding you again is a second you can use for a counter-strike. Stop whining, try it again.”

Kaidan muttered to himself as he settled into his defensive stance again. Clearly, they were going to be there for a while.

* * *

“Alenko. Go get Jenkins and the pair of you gear up. You’re with me on Eden Prime.”

Kaidan gave Shepard a petulant look. “Jenkins? Seriously?”

Shepard snorted, raising an eyebrow at him. “Problem?”

Kaidan shook his head resignedly, dragging himself out of his chair. Shepard had tracked him down in the observation lounge, curled up in one of the stiff armchairs and scribbling in his tiny notebook. He shoved it in his pocket, hoping Shepard either didn’t see it or decided not to pry. He barely felt comfortable sharing his poetry with his friends, let alone his C.O.

“Meet in the cargo hold,” Shepard instructed.

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan nodded, stretching out his arms and legs as Shepard turned and left. He’d been sitting a while, and his joints weren’t thrilled with him for it. Once they were loose he made his way to the crew lounge, finding Jenkins at one of the tables and tapping him not-quite-gently on the shoulder. “Jenkins. Let’s go. We’re on ground duty with the Commander.”

Jenkins blinked at him but nodded, getting to his feet. Kaidan led the way to the equipment lockers, retrieving his bottle of pain relievers and popping one preemptively. Something told him he’d have a headache by the end of this.

“So what’s this about a Prothean beacon? Is that true or were the guys full of it?”

“It’s true, although I don’t know anything else,” Kaidan told him, latching on all of the pieces of his armor.

“And there’s a Spectre aboard?”

“Yeah. I don’t think we’re gonna be working that closely with him, though,” Kaidan scoffed. “Mostly over comms while he looks for the beacon. We’ll be backup.”

“Wow. That blows.”

“Chin up, Corporal,” Kaidan drawled. “One day they’ll give you a big boy job.”

Jenkins scowled at him as they both clipped their weapons to their holsters. “What does that make you, then?”

Kaidan paused, giving him the side-eye. “…alright, you win this round,” he muttered, grabbing his helmet and turning toward the door. “Let’s go, they’re waiting on us.”

The pair of them rode the lift down to the cargo hold, emerging to find Shepard, Nihlus, and Anderson waiting on them. Shepard was fixing Nihlus with a sour look as he prepared himself to exit at his own drop point.

“Shepard,” Anderson said sternly (Kaidan almost had to laugh at the dad voice he put on whenever Shepard was being a shit), waiting until Shepard turned his gaze on him instead. “You three are the muscle in this operation. Head straight for the dig site and take out anything in your way.”

“What about survivors, Captain?” Kaidan asked, frowning a bit. There had to be some, right? They couldn’t all be dead.

“Survivors are a secondary objective,” Anderson told him firmly. “The beacon is top priority. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan nodded, though he couldn’t say he was thrilled.

“You coming with us, Nihlus?” Jenkins asked as Joker’s voice announced that they were ‘ _approaching drop point one_ ,’ and the cargo door slowly opened.

“I work faster on my own,” Nihlus told him, before leaping out of the hold and taking off at a run.

Shepard watched him go, lips pursed a bit. He caught Anderson staring him down and did a double-take. “What?”

Anderson just gave him a dry look, then broke the eye contact for now. Kaidan looked away as he stifled a snicker. “Remember, prioritize the beacon. Make sure that it’s recovered at any cost. Nihlus will send you status reports, otherwise I want radio silence. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” the three of them replied in unison, saluting and waiting for Anderson to return the gesture before turning toward the cargo doors. The Normandy hovered over drop point two and they leapt out one by one, landing on patchy grass a ways out from the colony itself.

Kaidan took a moment to scan the area, both for heat signatures and visually. “Perimeter secure, Commander,” he announced, though he didn’t stow his weapon.

“This place got hit hard. Keep your guard up,” Nihlus’ crackling voice told them over the comm, which was pretty much what Kaidan had been thinking. Was nice to know that even the Spectre was feeling paranoid, at least.

“Alright, let’s advance. See if we can find any of ours,” Shepard said, gesturing for Kaidan and Jenkins to follow him. They made their way down the hill they’d been dropped on, Shepard leading them down a path through the trees and rock. Kaidan grimaced as they walked past corpses, blackened and dried out.

“Jesus. What happened?” Jenkins asked, sounding a bit ill.

Shepard clapped his helmet firmly. “Keep it together, Corporal. Keep going.” Jenkins nodded, swallowing and glances once more at the bodies before following Shepard a bit more closely.

They advanced carefully, keeping themselves in cover and weapons in their hands. When they came to a bend Shepard paused, and Kaidan slowed to a halt with him. Jenkins, apparently, hadn’t noticed. He kept going, walking out into the clearing, and Shepard noticed a moment too late.

“Jenkins, get-!”

Two drones, probably patrolling the area, seemed to notice Jenkins standing there and swiveled toward him. Before he could move they’d shot him, beams of energy and fire hitting him in the chest and coming out the other side. He crumpled to the ground instantly, deathly still.

“Shit!” Shepard hissed. “Get in cover, Alenko!”

“On it, sir!” Kaidan shouted back, ducking and rolling to a safer location behind a wide boulder.

He and Shepard made short work of the two drones, the firefight lasting less than a minute. When they were down, Kaidan holstered his weapon once more, slowly getting to his feet. Shepard did the same, his expression grim as he approached Jenkins. He knelt beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder, and sighed heavily. “Dead. Shit.”

“Ripped right through his shields,” Kaidan murmured, his throat closing up just a bit. It wasn’t often he had time to let this kind of thing hit him in the field. Jenkins was kind of a dick but…shit. “Never had a chance.”

Shepard got to his feet, wiping his expression until it was stoic once more. “We’ll make sure he gets a proper service once the mission is over.” He laid a firm hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, shaking it just a bit as he caught Kaidan's gaze. Shepard-brand affection. “Stay focused, Alenko.”

“Yes, Commander,” Kaidan said softly, finding himself grounded when he look into Shepard's eyes. “I’m ready.”

* * *

Kaidan really wasn’t surprised that the only surviving soldier they found was Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. They’d found her holding her own pretty damn well against a group of Geth - which…that was something to think on later, because what the fuck? - and leapt in to assist. She was clearly exhausted, but after a bit of water and a moment to collect herself, she’d insisted on accompanying them to the beacon.

She’s explained that the rest of her squad had been killed, and that she was the only one left. They’d been brought in to secure the beacon’s dig site after tensions among Eden Prime’s scientific community ran high, every expert wanting the chance to study it. Shortly after, the Geth had appeared, overrunning the soldiers and slaughtering most of the colonists before they could get away.

“You’re lucky to be alive, Williams,” Shepard said, the three of them continuing on toward the dig site. They’d run into a few more Geth, but nothing they couldn’t handle quickly.

“Yes, sir,” Ashley scoffed, her eyes shifting back and forth, back and forth, as they walked. She was clearly on edge. “I’m also a damn good shot.”

“We can tell,” Kaidan piped up, eyebrows raised. “You probably didn’t even need us.”

Ashley smiled, though it was a bit stiff. “I wouldn’t go that far. I appreciate the assist. Seriously.”

“Hold up,” Shepard said suddenly, holding up a hand. “Look.”

Kaidan’s gaze followed to where he was pointing, and his gut sank instantly. “What the hell…?” More corpses, impaled and lifted high in the air on odd spikes. They didn’t look normal, though, didn’t even look like the dried up bodies they’d seen near the drop site. These were black and gray, with etchings all over their bodies that glowed a faint, pale blue. Like a sick mixture of human and synthetic.

The three of them jumped when the spikes suddenly retracted, swiftly lowering the odd corpses down to the ground. The bodies went from stock still to writhing, their movements unnatural as they ripped themselves off of the spikes and to their feet. “Fuck me, they’re still alive!” Ashley gasped, retrieving her weapon immediately.

“You haven’t seen these before?” Shepard asked sharply, ducking behind cover.

“No,” Ashley called back, diving behind a pillar and yanking Kaidan with her.

“Hey!” Kaidan protested, stumbling before pressing his back up against the steel. He peeked around the side, Ashley doing the same on the other, and began to shoot as the husks starting sprinting toward them.

“Jesus, it’s like a zombie movie!” Ashley called, her voice muffled underneath the gunfire and screams of the attacking husks.

No one answered her, too busy trying to keep from dying. The things went down easy enough, making the fight another swift one. Their flesh was also much more prone to separating than a living human’s would be, making for a blood soaked ground once they’d killed them all.

“…gross,” Kaidan commented, raising an eyebrow and curling his lip back as his boots squelched in the carnage.

Shepard snorted, giving him a look, and shook his head. “Let’s move. Quickly. We’ll have to make sure our scientists get samples of…whatever these things are.”

* * *

“There it is,” Kaidan said, pointing to what could only be the Prothean beacon they’d been searching for; a tall metal spire with a faint glow and riddled with unreadable markings.

“Thank fuck,” Shepard muttered, huffing as he shoved his shotgun back into it’s holster. He was sufficiently irritated with Eden Prime by now, Kaidan could tell, and he had to stifle the slight smirk. For some reason, he found the Commander amusing when he was annoyed.

Not cute. Just amusing.

The three of them descended the stairway, Shepard taking point as he gave the area a quick scan for Geth. Kaidan wasn’t picking up any signatures, and apparently neither did Shepard, as he motioned for he and Ashley to follow closer to the beacon.

“Anyone else feel weird?” Ash asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow as she craned her neck a bit to peer up at the device. Whatever it was. Kaidan still wasn’t clear on the details. “Like, goosebumps, kinda?”

“Little bit,” Shepard nodded, frowning up at it himself. “Don’t get too close, people.” He took a walk a few feet from them, a finger to his comm as he radioed back to the Normandy about their discovery.

Kaidan felt was Ashley had described, the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck standing up as if an electric current was passing through him. There was a buzz in his head the closer they got to the beacon, and he frowned as the buzz gradually morphed into voices. They spoke a language he couldn’t understand, too quietly for him to hear clearly, and his feet carried him closer until they became sharper. He realized a moment too late that his feet were no longer moving via his will, but an invisible force tugging him toward the beacon. He stumbled, trying to wrench himself back, but it was too strong by now. “Fuck,” he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut as the voices became shouts and screams.

He began to see flashes of color behind his eyelids, and he shouted as pain spiked from the base of his skull through the rest of his head like a flash bang. He’d just started to panic when a thick body slammed into him from the side, sending him sprawling out of the beacon’s reach. He scrambled to sit up, ignoring the throbbing in his head as he realized that Shepard had shoved him out of the way. The beacon’s pull yanked the Commander close and then into the air, suspending him like a puppet. Kaidan’s heart stopped for a moment and he lunged forward, shouting for him, but Ashley’s strong grip held him fast.

“Don’t touch him!” she cried, not letting go even when he struggled. “It’s too dangerous.”

“It’s hurting him!” Kaidan argued, knowing that sounded juvenile but not giving a shit. They couldn’t see Shepard’s face, but his body was rigid with pain, and a low groan issued from his throat that made Kaidan a little nauseous.

“Well both of you getting hurt doesn’t help anyone,” Ashley snapped back, glaring at him. “Don’t be stupid, LT.” Her hard expression fell all at once when suddenly Shepard was released, crumpling to the ground and remaining in a still heap. She got to her feet, letting Kaidan go and rushing to Shepard’s side. Kaidan followed close behind, his jaw clenched anxiously. “Commander. Commander Shepard,” she called sharply, taking hold of Shepard’s shoulder and turning him onto his back.

He was out cold, and his soft breath over the helmet radio was the only thing that kept Kaidan from panicking. “Unconscious. We should get him back to the Normandy,” he said firmly, glad he at least sounded like he had his shit together, because he really wasn’t so sure of the truth of that anymore. Something about Shepard had seriously fucked his priorities.

“Yeah,” Ash agreed, nodding. “You get him, I’ll call ahead. Let’s hurry.”

Kaidan tucked his arms underneath Shepard’s legs and torso, hauling him into a fireman’s carry as carefully as he could. Shepard didn’t appear to be injured, but he couldn’t be sure about internal damage. Fuck, why was he panicking again? Kaidan took a deep, sharp breath, scolding himself until he got a grip, and then led the way back to the Normandy. He gave Ash the Normandy’s comm channel as they walked, and she informed Joker that Shepard was down. Trying to explain that they weren’t sure what had happened except that the beacon pulled him into the air and then dropped him again was a bit difficult, but Joker just scoffed in disbelief and assured them that he would inform Chakwas.

Kaidan and Ashley trudged back up the stairs, leaving the colony itself and finding a place with enough space for the Normandy to land and pick them up. Kaidan kept Shepard in his arms the whole time, not willing to let him go. He could feel Ashley giving him the side-eye the whole time they waited, both of them silent, but he didn’t have the energy to tell her to knock it off. He didn’t have the energy for anything except praying, to whoever was listening, for Shepard.


	4. Chapter 4

Visions, apparently. That was what had been causing Shepard so much pain, what the beacon had inflicted on him. At least his insides hadn’t liquefied, Kaidan scoffed internally, making his way toward Shepard’s quarters with his hands in his pockets. It had been a passing thought, as childish as it was. The incident had been frightening in that what had actually happened was mostly unknown.

Kaidan was concerned about the Commander, a day having gone by since they’d left Eden Prime and no sign of Shepard in that time. He’d been holed up in his quarters, laid up in bed. Chakwas had been checking up on him, but apparently he’d been having headaches and odd dreams that made it hard for him to sleep well. Kaidan could certainly relate to that. Only made sense for him to see how he was, right? Right.

He approached the door, knocking quietly. “Shepard?” He got a muffled reply, which was a good sign to Kaidan, so he pressed down on the release and waited for the door to open with a soft hiss before stepping through. He found Shepard in bed, pushing himself up to sit and rubbing at the center of his forehead. His quarters were Spartan, hardly any sign that someone lived there at all. He was in his uniform pants but a non-regulation t-shirt, like he’d gotten half-dressed and then given up and collapsed into bed.

“Alenko,” he greeted, voice a bit gravelly. “Thought you were Chakwas.”

“I sound like Chakwas?” Kaidan teased, smiling a bit. The corner of Shepard’s mouth quirked as well, so he must have been feeling a little better. Kaidan pulled over the chair from Shepard’s desk, sinking into it and watching him closely. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Shepard replied dryly.

“Yeah, I got that,” Kaidan snorted. “I just meant…I didn’t really understand what Chakwas told me. Something about visions?”

“I…guess,” Shepard said slowly, frowning down at the floor. “I don’t really…know what I saw.”

“You don’t remember?”

“No, I remember. It just didn’t make any sense,” Shepard sighed, pressing the heels of his palms to both eyes and rubbing harshly. “Keep seeing flashes, colors, weird pictures when I dream. It just repeats, but it doesn’t get any clearer.”

Kaidan chewed the inside of his lip, watching as Shepard rested his forearms on his knees. He looked exhausted, and in pain. “Chakwas give you something for your head?”

Shepard avoided his eyes, nodding once. “Yeah. She gave me something.”

Kaidan stared at him for a moment, then narrowed his eyes. “Are you taking it?” Shepard was silent, and he rolled his eyes with a sigh. “Shepard.”

“What? I’m fine,” Shepard scoffed, getting to his feet and clearly trying to hide a wince as he stood too quickly.

“Sure you are,” Kaidan scoffed, crossing his arms and watching him.

“Kaidan.”

It was the first time Shepard had used his first name. “John,” he replied, just as stubbornly, knowing that he was probably testing his boundaries a little too much.

Shepard turned his gaze on him, narrowing his eyes as they stared each other down. He didn’t call Kaidan out for the insubordination, though, not that Kaidan was really surprised. “I’m fine,” he repeated, passing a hand over his face wearily. “I can’t take those, I need to be sharp.”

“At least take them before bed,” Kaidan argued. “Then you can sleep.”

Shepard sighed loudly, turning toward him again with a glare. “You’re a real pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, well, so are you,” Kaidan shot back, raising an eyebrow. “You know I’m right.”

“Like fuck I do.” Shepard didn’t seem angry, though, glancing at the bottle of pills on his nightstand. Kaidan hadn’t noticed them before. “…fine. Before bed. I can handle that. But if I sleep through an emergency I’m kicking your ass.”

Kaidan snickered, grinning at him with raised eyebrows. “Deal. You already beat my ass every evening anyway.” He blinked when Shepard snorted, then rolled his eyes and flushed when he noticed the crooked grin. “Oh, what are you, twelve?”

John just threw his head back and guffawed, clearly pleased with himself, and the sound was so gorgeous Kaidan couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kaidan paused, silent for a while. “You heard Nihlus was killed? That’s why he didn’t rendezvous with us.”

Shepard’s expression darkened, his brows pulling down and inward. “Yeah. I heard.”

“Shot in the back, apparently,” Kaidan murmured, watching him carefully. “Don’t know who, but I guess there was a witness.”

“Mm.” Shepard sat on the bed again, resting his elbows on his knees. “Should’ve been faster.”

“Who?”

“Me.”

“You?” Kaidan asked, lifting an eyebrow. “Why was it up to you?”

“We were supposed to be watching his back,” Shepard huffed, glowering at him. “You know that.”

“I mean, yeah,” Kaidan nodded. “But Nihlus decided he wanted to go ahead. Work on his own. He didn’t want us with him.”

“Should’ve done it anyway.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair. “Are we really gonna do this, Shepard? Run through everything we could’ve done?”

“You couldn’t have done anything. I was giving the orders.”

Kaidan chewed the inside of his cheek, watching Shepard stare at the floor dejectedly. “Alright. That’s enough,” Kaidan decided suddenly, getting to his feet and heading for the door. “Let’s go.”

Shepard blinked up at him, his lips parted in surprise. “Where are we going?” he asked.

“We’re getting a drink. I was supposed to be meeting Williams, anyway.”

“Kaidan, I have reports.” Oh man, he liked his first name on Shepard’s lips. Shit, this was a problem.

“Fuck the reports,” he heard himself saying, grinning over his shoulder at Shepard’s short, surprised laugh.

“Lieutenant, I’m surprised at you.”

“I’m full of surprises.” _Holy shit, stop it!_

He could feel Shepard’s eyes on him the entire way to the crew deck. They found Ashley waiting at the small bar and already nursing a bottle. “Hey, LT. And you brought Sleeping Beauty,” she grinned, reaching and clapping Shepard’s back as they approached. “Good to see you up and about, sir. You had us worried, there. Kaidan was a nightmare.”

“Shut up,” Kaidan huffed, glaring at her. “I was not.”

“Yeah, he was a mess. All pacing up and down the med bay, harassing Chakwas for updates, you’d think his lover had-”

“Wow, can I get a whiskey?” Kaidan asked loudly, huffing as Ashley snickered into her hand and Shepard looked far too pleased with himself.

“Aw, were you worried about me, Kaidan?” he teased, nudging Kaidan’s side playfully.

“I hate you. Both of you.”

Ashley just grinned in response, taking a sip of her beer. “So, what actually happened, Commander? What Chakwas told us made no sense.”

“I don’t even know myself,” Shepard scoffed. Kaidan stared as the commander ordered himself a whiskey, as well. This was just unfair. What deity sent him this infuriating man that met all of his standards but was also tragically his superior?

“Well, what were the visions like?” Ashley pressed, frowning a bit.

“Weird. Mostly flashes that made no sense, colors and sounds. None of it was meaningful.”

“Well, damn. Maybe it doesn’t work on human brains. Or something.”

“Or it only works for Protheans,” Kaidan nodded. “For everyone else it’s just nonsense.”

“Well, we might be boned, then, since they’re extinct,” Shepard sighed. “Hopefully the Council gets some use out of it, because that mission was bullshit.”

“Amen,” Ashley scoffed, lifting her bottle into the air. “Total bullshit.”

Kaidan and Shepard each gently touched the neck of her bottle with their glasses. Kaidan watched Shepard closely as he and Ashley chatted, noticing the slight frown and the tension in his jaw. He was still in pain. That put Kaidan on edge, for some reason, and he drank a little faster.

* * *

“Woah. Big place.”

Kaidan heard Ashley snort from behind him as he leaned over the balcony overlooking the Citadel. It really was huge, bustling with life and noise and light.

“That your professional opinion, Alenko?” she teased.

“Shut up,” he muttered, smirking a bit and kicking the side of her boot. “You’re such an ass.”

She just grinned in response and folded her arms on the railing beside him, taking in the view herself. “How long d’you think the Commander will be in with the Council?”

“Hard to say,” Kaidan scoffed quietly. “They like talking in circles. And I don’t think they’ll be wild about one of their own Spectres being accused of murder and treason.”

“What the hell is up with those guys, anyway?” Ashley huffed, shaking her head. “Going rogue, killing each other. Aren’t they supposed to be the best of the galaxy?”

“Never heard of a case like this Saren guy,” Kaidan noted, frowning thoughtfully. “Still can’t believe he shot Nihlus in the back. Apparently they knew each other, or that’s what that dock worker who saw them said. And working with the Geth?”

“Whatever he’s up to, it’s bad,” Ashley muttered. “And Shepard’s weird visions aren’t a good sign either. Let’s just hope the Council can yank their heads out of their own asses long enough to put the pieces together.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, shaking his head. “There aren’t really a lot of solid pieces to put together, though. I’m worried it’s not gonna be enough. Spectres are above the law, there’d have to be pretty damning evidence for Saren to get any shit.”

“Wouldn’t be nearly this much trouble if Saren was human,” Ashley snorted, rolling her eyes.

Kaidan glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, raising a brow. “You think, huh?”

She gave him a dry look. “It’s not like it’s a secret. The Council still looks at us, humans, like we’re babies. They don’t take us seriously. Why would they take Shepard’s word over a Turian Spectre’s?”

“Sounds like you really don’t like aliens.”

“Aliens are fine. What I don’t like are assholes who decide shit about me, or my species, before they even know me,” Ashley huffed, looking away and glaring out across the Citadel once more.

Kaidan watched her for a moment, quiet as he mulled that over. Being judged based on a label placed on you. People deciding you were dangerous, unstable, stupid, before they’d even met you. Before you’d had a chance to prove otherwise. And then, once you got that chance, having to work ten times as hard as others in order to be seen as a person.

“I get that,” he murmured, pressing his bicep to hers in solidarity. “No judgment, Williams.”

The corner of her mouth twitched, and she nudged him back gently. “Thanks, LT.”

“There you are.”

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder, smiling when he saw Shepard approaching. He immediately wiped it, because that was just pathetic. This whole fucking crush was just pathetic, for fuck’s sake. Plus, Shepard looked pissed. “Hey, Commander. How’d it go?”

“Motherfuckin’ heads up their asses, fuckin’ _witnesses_ but no, can’t have their precious shitfaced boyscout accused of-”

“Mm. So, bad,” Ashley drawled, exchanging a look with Kaidan as Shepard continued to mutter to himself. He might as well have had steam coming out of his ears.

Shepard huffed irritably, rubbing his eyes with the tips of his fingers roughly. “Fuck it. It’s fine. I met a C-Sec officer, Garrus. He’s got a lead on someone who may have some information that will help us incriminate Saren.”

“Seems…convenient,” Ashley scoffed, crossing her arms. “You sure this person isn’t just a red herring? To get you off the Council’s back? I wouldn’t put it past them to sic a C-Sec officer on you.”

“Neither would I, but it’s the only lead I have at the moment,” Shepard muttered. “If it ends up being bullshit, I’m back where I started. We’ll figure it out from there. I’m gonna take Garrus, you two get back to the Normandy and await instructions.”

“Wait, what if there’s a trap?” Kaidan asked tensely, frowning at him. “You need backup, Shepard.”

“I have backup, Alenko. Don’t argue with me,” Shepard scolded, giving him a hard look. “Back to the Normandy.”

Kaidan pursed his lips, noticing the surname, and glared right back. “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

Shepard shook his head, rubbing his face. “Go. I’ll meet you there once this is figured out. Fuck me sideways.” And with that, he headed off at a brisk stalk, his fingertips pressed to his comm as he spoke lowly into the mic.

“Stubborn bastard,” Ashley sighed, almost fondly. Kaidan couldn’t help the affectionate snort, even if he was a little irritated at Shepard’s attitude.

“Mhm. Stubborn as hell. Let’s get back, before he makes us do laps around the lake.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Bored, Alenko?”

Kaidan smiled sheepishly, approaching Ash on the cargo deck. She’d basically set up shop there since they’d picked her up, seeming to prefer the solitude. Kaidan could certainly relate. “Don’t say that too loud. Anderson will hear and put me to work.”

Ashley snorted, wiping grease from her hands and setting aside the tools she’d be using on her armor. It was spread out on the work table in front of her, in carefully organized pieces. It had been dealt a lot of damage on Eden Prime, and she had only had time to do the most urgent repairs in the couple of days since she’d joined the Normandy crew. “What, you can’t go look busy ‘fixing’ that same monitor you keep messing with upstairs?”

“Shut up,” Kaidan snickered, pushing on her shoulder. “Don’t rat me out.”

Ashley laughed, leaning back against the weapons locker behind her and crossing her arms. “I take it Shepard isn’t back yet, if you’re not attached to his hip.”

“Hey, what’s the supposed to mean?” Kaidan scoffed, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Nothing,” she said innocently, though her lips twitched with amusement.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “Right. Do you want help or are you just gonna be a smartass?”

“Is ‘both’ and option?” she teased, pushing away from the lockers and once again approaching the table where her equipment lay scattered. “Thanks. This has been a real pain in my ass.”

“No problem.” Kaidan got to work, relieved to have something to do with his hands. “How are you doing?” he asked after a while, his voice sounding loud in the relative quiet. “I didn’t really get to check on you after Eden Prime. I’m sorry.”

She flicked her eyes up toward him, frowning a little and shaking her head. “Don’t be sorry. I’m fine.”

“You lost your squad. Had a brush with death. Got bundled onto a new ship. All in a couple days,” Kaidan murmured, meeting her gaze. “No one would blame you for being a little…not okay.”

The hard mask of her face softened a bit, and she looked back down at her own hands. “I…I guess I feel weird. About replacing Jenkins. And about…” She sighed heavily, bending over slightly as she worked to loosen a particularly stubborn screw. “If I’d been faster my squad would’ve made it. I should’ve been paying closer attention. I couldn’t sleep the night before the mission, I should’ve taken something. If I’d been more alert, I-”

“Breathe, Williams,” Kaidan interrupted, smiling softly. “You survived because you’re strong. That’s why you’re here, why Shepard wants you with us instead of reassigned elsewhere. You deserve this, even if how you got here was awful.”

She let out a long breath through her nose, glancing up at him again and lifting the corner of her mouth. “You some kind of optimist?”

“Gotta be,” Kaidan snorted, shaking his head. “Otherwise I’d have jumped off a building by now.”

Ashley was quiet for a while, finally loosening the panel she’d been trying to remove and carefully lifting it and setting it aside. “Your biotics are damn impressive, from what I saw. Didn’t think L3’s spiked that high.”

Kaidan’s hands faltered for just a moment. “My implant’s an L2, actually.”

Ashley paused, blinking at him with wide eyes. “Damn,” she said, after a long moment of silence.

Kaidan closed his eyes briefly, clenching his jaw. “I just get migraines. I’m lucky.”

“Lucky,” she breathed, shaking her head. “Wait so…that must mean you were at BAaT.”

Kaidan could almost feel the steel wall slamming down over those particular memories inside of his mind. “Can we talk about something else? Please?”

Ashley nodded, bending back over. “Yes. Yeah. Of course, sorry.”

“It’s fine, just…yeah.”

“Yeah.” It was awkwardly silent for a while, then the corner of Ashley’s mouth quirked. “How old are you actually, then?” she asked, a teasing note to her voice. “From the sound of it you’re older than I thought.”

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow, giving her a dry look. “I’m thirty two.”

Ashley laughed, raising her eyebrows. “Holy shit, seriously? Man, you’re ancient by military standards.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan drawled, rolling his eyes and pretending he wasn’t smirking. “I joined up late. Bet you still have a bedtime, Williams.”

“Fuck you,” she cackled, clearly amused by the ribbing. “I’ll have you know I stay up past nine and dress myself and everything. I’m even potty trained.”

“Well, holy shit. They should give you a medal.”

Ashley giggled delightedly, and the heavy air about their conversation lifted as quickly as it had settled. “Why did you join up?” she asked, tilting her head at him curiously. “If I’d been through…what you’ve probably been through, I wouldn’t want a whole lot to do with the Alliance.”

“You are on one today, Chief,” Kaidan scoffed, though he smiled a bit. “I don’t know. My dad served, and…the Alliance has made mistakes. Big ones. Bad ones. They’ll probably keep making them. Feels right to make a move to get in and fix what I keep bitching about. And something about space travel, just…” He trailed off, not sure how to explain.

“ _I cannot rest from travel,_ ” Ashley recited, smiling softly. “ _I will drink life to the lees. All times I have enjoy’d greatly, have suffer’d greatly, both with those that loved me, and alone. For always roaming with a hungry heart, much have I seen and known. Cities of men, and manners, climates, councils, governments…_ ”

Kaidan watched her as she completed the verse, grinning nearly ear to ear. “Ulysses,” he identified, thrilled.

“Yeah,” she nodded, her eyes lighting up. “It was my dad’s favorite. Mine too, I guess. You like poetry?”

“Yeah. I brought books with me from home. I write, too. Not that it’s good.” He paused, sending her a suspicious squint. “Don’t repeat that. To anyone.”

“Yes, sir,” she grinned, saluting playfully. “That’s cool, though. I’d love to read it.”

“Keep dreaming,” he snorted. “No one reads my stuff. Mostly because it’s shitty.”

“Really? No one?” Ashley asked, blinking a bit too innocently at him.

“Are you implying something, Williams?”

“Nah. Just wondering if you’ve tried reciting some love poems outside the Commander’s quarters.”

“Again with that?” he huffed, glaring at her as she giggled and his face turned pink. “I don’t know what you think is going on, but it’s not.”

“Sure, not yet,” she grinned. “But if the puppy eyes from both of you are anything to go by, won’t be long now.”

“That’s cute, but there’s this thing called fraternization,” Kaidan snorted. “Even if I was interested, he’s my superior.” _Tragically_.

“Whatever you say, LT,” Ashley grinned. “Come on, let’s get this done. I’m sick of looking at it.”

* * *

Kaidan had realized that most of the shit that happened where John Shepard was concerned was a whirlwind. If you blinked, you’d miss it.

In the time that Shepard was gone with Garrus and Wrex, Anderson had been stripped of command of the Normandy. Something about him being too close to the situation with Saren, though Kaidan had a suspicion that there might be more to it. In his stead, Shepard had been given command of the vessel instead, and apparently Council support to pursue Saren. Whatever Garrus’ contact had had on the guy, it must’ve been good.

When Shepard returned to the ship with a Quarian, and Turian, and a Krogan in tow, Ashley was less than thrilled. Kaidan was really only worried about the Krogan (who was Wrex, apparently), but only because he was fucking huge. And, well, unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a Krogan of any size was enough to give a guy a heart attack. Shepard had laughed at his initial reaction, of course. Not that Kaidan minded. He was so far gone on this stupid crush that he’d throw himself onto a pit of spikes if it would make Shepard laugh. Hm. Morbid. Maybe he should sleep.

He rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. It was still odd not hearing Jenkins snoring like a chainsaw underneath him. They hadn’t been sharing the bunk long, and the snoring had pissed him off if he was honest, but the corporal’s absence was still obvious. This was a bad night for Kaidan; they happened every once in a while. He couldn’t fall asleep no matter what he did, his eyes refusing to stay shut and his mind racing. When he did sleep, he’d have nightmares, strange ones. He wasn’t sure if it was the wires in his brain or something else that caused it; he’d learned to blame nearly everything bad that happened to him on the implants. They didn’t normally make him so restless and jittery, though. That had been present even when he was small.

At some point he huffed, giving up on sleep for the moment, and carefully crawled down to the floor. He tiptoed out, not wanting to wake the other soldiers that were sleeping like babies (bastards), and made his way to the crew lounge. Maybe someone else was awake. He didn’t usually like talking to people other than Ashley and Shepard, but he was feeling antsy enough that any kind of small talk would be better than being alone with his thoughts for one more second.

He wasn’t sure why he was surprised when he found Shepard, leaning on the counter and staring thoughtfully into space with a beer in his hand. Kaidan kind of wanted to kiss whoever was responsible for keeping the Normandy supplied with booze. He approached the commander, shuffling his feet so he’d hear him coming. Shepard glanced over his shoulder, the corner of his mouth lifting when he saw who it was. That boosted Kaidan’s ego way more than it had any right to.

“Kaidan, hey. You’re up late.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Kaidan explained, popping open the fridge and retrieving his own beer. “You?”

“Same,” Shepard sighed, frowning into his bottle. “It was…a weird day. Sorry I snapped at you before, by the way.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. He’d basically forgotten about it, already. “Oh. That’s fine. You were right. Even if we’re friends, shouldn’t question you out in the field. …we’re friends, right?”

Shepard snorted softly, nudging Kaidan’s ribs with his elbow. “Yeah.”

“Good.” The smile hurt his cheeks a bit, but Kaidan couldn’t tame it if he wanted to.

Shepard laughed, shaking his head. “You’re kind of adorable, you know that?”

Kaidan felt his ears burn, and took a sip of beer to buy himself time. “Am I?” Great. Buying himself time had done nothing for his charm, clearly.

“Mhm.” Shepard didn’t continue, his smile fading again as he stared into space. “Got the evidence from Garrus’ contact. Quarian mechanic named Tali’Zorah. She’s on her pilgrimage.”

“No pressure on you, then,” Kaidan snorted. “You’re her new captain.”

“Yeah,” Shepard muttered, shaking his head. “Don’t get me started on that particular bullshit. Anyway. Tali’s info helped us incriminate Saren. So now we’ve got Council backing, and they’re sending us to find this asari scientist. Apparently her mother is working with Saren.”

“Yeah, I read the report briefly,” Kaidan nodded, voice quiet to match Shepard’s. “Dr. Liara T’soni, right? Her mother is a Matriarch?”

“Yep.” Shepard’s frown deepened, and he picked at the label on his bottle, rolling the wet bits of paper into balls and dropping them to the floor.

“What’s wrong? You seem…distracted.”

Shepard snorted humorlessly, taking a long pull before answering. “They made me a Spectre.”

Kaidan nearly dropped his bottle. “Wh-there are no human Spectres.”

“There are now. Just the one.”

Kaidan blinked slowly, staring at Shepard dumbly with his jaw hanging a bit. “Holy shit. That’s…amazing, congratulations, Commander.”

Shepard grimaced, pushing away from the counter and setting his bottle aside. “Ugh. Don’t.”

Kaidan watched as John began to pace up and down the small kitchenette, rubbing his palm over his buzzed hair agitatedly. “Okay. Should I be giving you condolences, then…?”

“I don’t know how to feel,” Shepard explained, a deep knot between his brows and his lips turned down at the corners. “It’s…way too much.”

“They don’t make just anyone a Spectre, John. They have to believe you can do it. I do,” Kaidan murmured.

Shepard paused before him, softening a bit but the corners of his eyes still tight. “I appreciate the confidence. I just…it’s not me. I’m not…well, I’m sure as shit not the best of humanity, am I? There’s plenty more people that would’ve been better. That are better.”

“They picked you because of what you’re capable of,” Kaidan argued gently. “You’re a survivor, a good leader, a reliable soldier. A great man.”

“I’m not a great man. I’m not even a good man,” Shepard snorted. “I’ve gotten to where I am based on luck and making hard decisions. That’s it.”

“You’re not gonna talk me out of admiring you,” Kaidan smiled. John’s eyes met his, the icy blue cutting through to his soul. Just like always. Damn him. “You might as well give up on that.”

Shepard just watched him quietly, his eyes flitting between Kaidan’s and briefly down to his mouth, sending a thrill through Kaidan’s spine. “You say such nice things,” he murmured, grinning gently. “And here I’ve only been a smartass to you since day one.”

Kaidan huffed a soft laugh. “I’ve been a smartass right back. So we’re even.”

“Guess you’re right.”

Shepard was quiet again, and Kaidan noticed how closely they were standing in the silence, nearly chest to chest. Kaidan could feel the warmth emanating from underneath Shepard’s t-shirt. The commander clearly ran hot. Kaidan fantasized briefly about sticking his hands underneath the material to warm them, which led to a completely unhelpful train of thought that had him staring blankly into space.

“You okay there, Kaidan?”

Kaidan blinked, shaking himself out of his daydream. “Yeah. Sorry. Zoned out. Should probably…get back to bed,” he admitted, though he was loathe to break the spell they’d been under.

“Probably.” Shepard reached out as Kaidan turned to leave, wrapping his palm around Kaidan’s forearm. His touch was warm and inviting, and Kaidan knew he was absolutely done for. Point of no return. “Listen, Kaidan. Next time you can’t sleep…send me a message, or something. I’d love to keep you company again.”

Kaidan smiled, his heart leaping a bit. “Yeah. Definitely. Thanks. You, too, y’know.”

“Sure. Goodnight, Kaidan.”

“Night, Shepard.”


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan wasn’t sure why he was expecting his first ride in the Mako with the commander to be anything but chaotic. He held onto the handle on the ceiling of the vehicle as Shepard’s erratic driving and disregard for Therum’s terrain had Kaidan and Ashley rattling around in the back. He wasn’t sure where the man had learned to drive, or if he had ever formally learned at all. He hissed as they sailed over a particularly large bump on Therum’s surface, making their way toward the last known location of Dr. T’soni, and landed heavily.

“Jesus, John.” He flushed a bit as he saw Ashley’s head snap toward him, her eyebrows raised. “I mean. Commander.”

Shepard snorted, grinning as he sent the Mako into a (probably unnecessary) skid to take a curve. “No backseat driving, Kaidan. We’re almost there, navpoint’s coming up in a few.”

“Thank fuck,” Ashley snorted. “I’m gonna hurl.”

They approached a cluster of buildings, the edge of the excavation site of Prothean ruins. The last known whereabouts of Dr. Liara T’soni. Kaidan grimaced as he peered through the windshield and saw several Geth emerging from behind the buildings, and a few in the distance as well. “Commander.”

“I see them,” Shepard murmured, smirking a bit as he readied the Mako’s launcher. Kaidan leaned forward, keeping an eye out for any Geth that may try to sneak up on them while Shepard was busy enjoying himself a little too much.

“Those ones in the distance have launchers. Get those, Williams and I will pick off the others.”

“You got it,” Shepard nodded, sending him a quick grin. “Be careful.”

“Yes, sir.”

They made short work of the enemies, and proceeded into the facility. Shepard kept the Mako’s gun live, picking off stray Geth as they continued along the path. Kaidan sat back in his seat, glancing at Ashley when he felt her eyes. “What?”

“Who’s the one giving the orders around here?” she teased quietly, under her voice so only Kaidan could hear her over the rumble of the engine. “Seems like the commander was more than happy to let you call the shots.”

“I wasn’t calling the shots, I was making suggestions,” Kaidan huffed, giving her a look.

“You gotta start being less fun to mess with LT,” Ash grinned, kicking his boot lightly. “Maybe I’ll ease up.”

“Uh huh. I doubt it.” He glanced at the back of Shepard’s head briefly, frowning thoughtfully. “I’m trying to like…wrap my head around it right now, okay? I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t…I dunno.”

Ashley’s expression softened, and she reached to pat his knee firmly. “Okay. No more teasing,” she promised, the corner of her mouth lifted good-naturedly.

Kaidan scoffed quietly, smiling back. “I highly doubt that, but thanks.”

“What are you two whispering about back there? Mutiny? I knew it,” Shepard smirked, eyes still on the road ahead.

“Yep, that’s us,” Ashley grinned, sitting back in her seat once more. “We’re gonna feed you to the Geth and I’m gonna take over the Normandy.”

“Well, at least shit would get done around there,” Shepard snickered.

“Do Geth eat people…?” Kaidan wondered, frowning into space with vague horror.

“We could ask ‘em. I volunteer you.”

“Hilarious, Chief.”

* * *

“I fucking hate elevators.”

Kaidan glanced at Shepard as they rode the rather precarious lift down into the excavation site within the Prothean ruin. “Why?” he asked, watching Shepard’s jaw clench and his fist curl around the handle on the wall.

“They’re death boxes,” John said by way of explanation.

“Right,” Kaidan grinned. “Of course.”

“Don’t give me that look,” Shepard huffed, though he smirked right back.

“I’m not giving you a look,” Kaidan laughed. “Honest.”

“Uh huh.” Shepard blinked and swore sharply as the lift came to an abrupt halt, short-circuiting sending the three of them staggering a few steps. “Fuck me.”

Ashley shook her head fondly, approaching the doors and wrenching one back enough that they could squeeze through. “Come on. We’re far enough down we can just jump.”

Shepard nodded and went first, clearly eager to escape the Death Box. He landed in a low crouch and rose slowly as he surveyed the area. After a moment he nodded and waved for the other two to follow, so they did, Ash leaping down first. Kaidan hesitated at the edge, having conquered his trepidation regarding heights years ago but still needing an extra few seconds to pump himself up. He scowled when Shepard smirked up at him. “Don’t even, Shepard.”

“Come on, Lieutenant,” Shepard called. “I’ll catch you.”

Kaidan’s face went an infuriatingly bright shade of red.

“Oh man,” Ashley scoffed, shaking her head as she turned to survey the area. “This is getting depressing.”

Kaidan huffed and leapt from the lift, straightening and huffing when Shepard snickered. “Yeah, yeah, hilarious.”

“Yeah, don’t tease, Commander,” Ashley called, grinning playfully over her shoulder. “He’s a badass, he’ll fuck you up.”

“Yeah, a badass who fist fights like a cooked noodle.”

“Is today just pick on Kaidan day?!” Kaidan griped, full-on pouting by this point.

Ashley just snickered at him (no sympathy from that one, as was expected), but Shepard smiled more gently. “Just playing, K,” he murmured, nudging him gently. Their hands brushed briefly, and Kaidan felt his mouth go a bit dry despite their gloves muting the contact.

“Don’t call me K,” he muttered, for lack of anything more intelligent to say.

Shepard grinned, following as Kaidan advanced into the chamber they’d found themselves in. “Well, now I’m gonna do it all the time.”

“I figured.”

The room was made purely of excavated rock, a dormant tunneler sitting across the room. The archaeologists appeared to have made some headway into the ruins proper, walls smashed through to reveal rooms of blue-ish tile. Kaidan craned his head back to look, impressed. “Huh. These tiles kinda remind me of a bathroom floor.”

It was silent for a long moment, then Shepard laughed quietly. “You are killing me, Alenko,” he teased as he passed by, looking for a way further into the ruins.

Kaidan grinned after him, though he wasn’t sure why the comment made him so giddy. Shepard always made fun of him. He should not enjoy it as much as he did. And yet…

“Over here,” Ashley called, giving them both an almost tired look. “I found a path up.”

“Nice work, Ash,” Shepard replied, smiling at Kaidan and rapping his knuckles against his shoulder plate. “Come on.”

Kaidan’s grin fell, a bit of reality slapping him upside the head as it was wont to do. A little bit of harmless play-flirting was one thing, but…well, he just wasn’t really sure what Shepard’s intentions were. Hell, Kaidan wasn’t sure what his own intentions were. And the more familiar they got, the more dangerous it became. What would he actually do if John reciprocated his feelings to the extent he didn’t dare hope for? Date his commanding officer? Even if they could get away with it, what if it went sour?

Not to mention the fact that his crush had gotten out of hand quite quickly, only worsening the more attention Shepard gave him. They’d only known each other for a short while, a few weeks now, but Kaidan almost felt like he and John were magnets, opposing poles drawn together by a force in which no one could intervene. He wondered if Shepard felt the same way, or if he was just making more out of the situation than was actually there. He’d been told before that he could be melodramatic.

Kaidan looked down at his feet as he followed Shepard and Ashley up the rocky path to the next level of the ruins, clinging to the wall so they wouldn’t slide down with a loose clump of dirt. Ashley slipped once, but Shepard grabbed her by the back of her armor and hauled her back onto the path. “Thanks, sir,” she laughed breathlessly.

“Watch your feet, Williams,” Shepard replied, nudging her between her shoulder blades. Halfway between gruff and affectionate, as usual.

They made it across the wall with no further scares, leaping onto the tiled platform and all breathing a sigh of relief when their feet found solid ground once more.

“Who are you? How did you get up here?”

“Jesus,” Kaidan gasped, whirling and nearly jumping out of his skin at the voice from behind them.

“Switch to decaf, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan ignored Shepard’s teasing for now, distracted by the owner of the voice, an Asari suspended in mid-air by some sort of field. “Are you alright?”

“I am,” she replied, her brow knitting in the center. “Please, my name is Dr. Liara T’soni. I don’t know who you are, or what you want, but you must help me. I activated this Prothean barrier curtain for protection; I was being pursued by Geth. I must have hit something I wasn’t supposed to. It’s trapped me.”

“Must have,” Ashley snorted, looking around the platform. “How do we deactivate it?”

“Most likely with this console,” Liara sighed, glancing down at the console beside her - on the other side of the barrier.

“Fantastic,” Shepard drawled, rolling his entire head. _Apparently, just the eyes wasn’t dramatic enough_ , Kaidan smirked internally.

“Let’s try to find a way past the forcefield,” he suggested. “Maybe there’s a way around.”

Ashley blinked, glancing over her shoulder. “Or…under.”

“You want a shovel, Williams?” Shepard snorted, raising an eyebrow at her.

“No, no. Come on, I have an idea.” She began to shuffle down the precarious path once more, her fingers scraping along the dirt wall for balance and her feet moving a little fast for Kaidan’s liking.

“Watch it, Ash,” he fretted, following after her and trying to catch up in case she slipped again.

“I’m fine, dad,” she snorted, jogging the last few steps off of the walkway. She approached the abandoned tunneler, slapping one of the tires and grinning widely at them. “Wanna dig?”

Kaidan’s eyebrows flew to the top of his forehead. “Uh-”

“C.O. gets to drive,” Shepard announced, taking off at a jog and leaping up onto the vehicle.

“No fair, you can’t pull rank for driving privileges!” Ashley laughed loudly and climbed on after him, both of them crawling inside and leaving Kaidan staring after them.

Kaidan shook his head,huffing with a small smile and holstering his weapon before pulling himself up and into the tunneler himself. “Are we sure this is a good idea?” he asked as he dropped through the hatch, finding himself in nearly pitch dark as Shepard tried to figure out how to turn the thing on. “This place makes a lot of noise. I dunno if it’s structurally sound enough for us to go knocking shit over.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now we need Dr. T’soni, and this is the only way to get her,” Shepard told him, apparently finding the on switch as the inside of the tunneler lit up and the whole thing began to vibrate with life. “Kickass. Alright, now how do you-”

They all yelped in unison as the tunneler lurched forward, then came to just as abrupt of a halt. “John, I swear to God, I’m not gonna let you drive _shit_ anymore,” Kaidan griped, glaring at the back of the Commander’s head.

“Do you only get the first name when you’re in trouble?” Ashley asked, grinning at Shepard playfully.

“Apparently,” Shepard smirked, though it didn’t quite meet his eyes. They almost looked a little sad.

Kaidan didn’t have time to dwell on that, as the tunneler moved once more, much more calmly. Shepard steered them toward the wall underneath the chamber Liara was suspended in, and Kaidan grimaced as the scraping of rock meeting metal mixed with the grinding of the vehicle’s gears and assaulted his eardrums. He felt the noise travel straight to the front of his skull in a flash of pain, and he pushed his palms over his ears to alleviate some of the discomfort. He felt Ashley clap his back sympathetically, and he hoped his forced smile didn’t look as much like a grimace as it felt. God, he was such a baby.

After what felt like ages but was probably only a few seconds, the tunneler came to a stop, and they were on the other side of the wall. Kaidan slowly lowered his hands, bringing one forward to rub at the center of his forehead where it throbbed instead.

“You good?” Shepard asked, glancing over his shoulder at him and frowning in concern. Kaidan did not swoon.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he assured the commander, waving him off. “I’ll live. Let’s get this done.”

Shepard nodded and got to his feet, and the three of them hauled themselves back out of the hatch and onto the ground once more. Kaidan looked up, ignoring how moving his head around felt a little bit like whacking himself in the forehead with a hammer.

“Look, that platform Dr. T’soni is on. We’re on the other side.”

“Handy,” Shepard smirked, heading toward the wall and starting to climb the jagged rocks and bits of infrastructure jutting out of it. “Come on.”

Kaidan and Ashley followed him close behind, Kaidan keeping his eyes firmly trained upward so he could ignore how far he had to fall. The three of them scaled the wall and pulled themselves up onto the platform. Liara must have heard them coming, because she began speaking immediately even though her back was forcibly turned on them for the moment.

“That was very unwise!” she scolded, though it was a bit difficult to tell if she was upset or not. Her voice was very soft and melodic. Kaidan wondered if she could sing. Probably. “This ruin is extremely unstable.”

“Told you,” Kaidan drawled, giving Shepard a dry look. The commander gave it right back, flashing him a middle finger for good measure, to which Kaidan just snorted in amusement. “Let me see if I can work this console.”

“Go for it,” Shepard nodded, stepping back to give him room to work.

Kaidan approached it, figuring it would probably be a little intuition and a lot of guesswork. He blinked and stumbled a step as the ground beneath them suddenly shook, the vibrations lasting a few seconds and accompanied by a low rumble before stopping. “…that didn’t sound good.”

“The tunneler may have triggered a seismic event,” Liara warned, sounding a little strained. “We must hurry, before the ruins begin to collapse.”

“Hurry. Got it,” Kaidan snorted, pressing a couple of buttons that looked like they were probably right. His training didn’t cover Prothean language, alright? After a few tries Liara gasped, falling from her suspension as the field around her disappeared, as well as the barrier on the far side of the room.

Ashley blinked and caught her before she could hit the ground, setting her on her feet. “You alright, ma’am?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Liara assured her, nodding in gratitude and rolling out her neck and shoulders. “I was up there for a long time. I believe it will take a while for the circulation to return to my arms.”

Another, more violent quake shook the floor, and Kaidan blinked as he was suddenly yanked backward, a thick slab of the ceiling landing where he’d been standing a moment ago.

“Place is caving in, go!” Shepard shouted in his ear, shoving him hard to get him moving.

Kaidan used the momentum and broke into a sprint, looking over his shoulder to see Ashley and Liara both making a beeline for the exit as well. The ceilings and walls had begun to crumble all around them, burying where they had been standing only moments before. Ashley tried to grab Liara’s hand and guide her, but she was quickly swatted away, the doctor easily keeping up.

“Joker!” Kaidan heard Shepard shout. “We need an extraction! On the double!”

The ruins continued to cave in on itself, and they shielded their eyes and mouths from the dust billowing in the air. Kaidan felt heat beside him, and stole a glance, seeing lava spitting up from the beneath the floor in the center of the chamber. Yeah, one hell of a seismic event. He was never gonna let Shepard live this one down. As long as they made it out, anyway-

“Kaidan, move your ass!” Shepard bellowed.

“I’m moving!” Kaidan shouted back, gritting his teeth as he pushed himself a bit harder when he felt the ground becoming unstable beneath his feet, like trying to run across a water bed. The four of them reached the exit and caught sight of the Normandy, hurtling toward it. Shepard skidded to a halt, shoving each of them onto the cargo ramp before leaping on himself.

“Go, Joker,” he barked into his comm, and the ramp slid closed, the Normandy rising quickly into the air and away from Therum’s surface.

* * *

_You asleep? (Received: 0135 hours)_

_Nah. (Sent: 0135 hours)_

_Me neither. (Received: 0136 hours)_

_Do you want to talk? (Sent: 0136 hours)_

_Yeah. (Received: 0138 hours)_

_Will you come here? (Received: 0139 hours)_

_Yeah. (Sent: 0139 hours)_

Kaidan dimmed the light on his omnitool, closing out of the message from Shepard and rolling onto his stomach. He shimmied out of his bunk, as he had a few nights prior, and tiptoed through the dark past his snoring comrades. He shuffled out to the lounge, yawning widely and expecting to find Shepard at the bar again, and frowned when it was empty. He passed through and approached the door to the commander’s quarters instead. He knocked softly, and heard Shepard’s voice call for him to come in, and so he did. Shepard was sitting up in back, his back pressed against the wall. The only light came from the monitor on the desk across the room, casting half of John’s face in soft, blue light that accentuated his jaw and cheekbones.

“Hey,” Kaidan murmured. “What’s up?”

Shepard sighed, rubbing his palm along his own buzzed hair absently. “I dunno. Can’t sleep. I dunno why I asked you to come.”

“It’s okay. I want you to ask,” Kaidan assured him quietly, though he came to a stop in front of the bed. “Um. Mind if I…sit?”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded, waving vaguely toward the spot beside him. “Are you sure you weren’t asleep?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Today was…something.”

Shepard snorted, nodding. “Yeah,” he agreed, eyes on the far wall as Kaidan sat beside him on the firm mattress. “It was something, alright.”

Kaidan was quiet for a while, chewing on the inside of his lip. “Kinda expected Liara to know something about the invasion Saren mentioned. The ‘Reapers.’”

Shepard let out a heavy breath through his nose, his jaw set tightly. “Yeah. Thought we might’ve found someone who had any fucking clue what any of this meant.” He frowned deeply, rubbing at his eyes harshly. “Fuck me.”

Kaidan watched him, concerned by the tension in his shoulders. “Are you okay? You seem…like you need to rest.”

“I can’t,” Shepard muttered. “Feel like I’m gonna scream every time I lay down.” He said the last part quieter, like he was ashamed. The soft tone had Kaidan reaching out to take his hand before he could even think. Shepard paused, looking down at where Kaidan hand had curled protectively around his. Kaidan looked too, admiring the contrast in their skin tones and counting the scars on Shepard’s knuckles.

“I…sorry,” Kaidan stuttered, moving to pull it away as he suddenly realized what he was doing. Shepard tightened his own hold, instead, keeping him in place.

“Don’t be,” he said softly, and Kaidan gut warmed pleasantly. “I…thank you. For coming, when I asked. You didn’t have to.”

“Wanted to,” Kaidan replied, flipping his hand over and slowly lacing his fingers with John’s. “Wanna…y’know. Be here for you.”

That sad look fell over the Commander’s eyes again, and he looked away, the corners of his mouth pulling down. “Kaidan…we…”

“I know,” Kaidan sighed, though he didn’t let go of Shepard’s hand. “I know. I just…can’t help it.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

Kaidan finally dared to lift his eyes, slowly, pausing at Shepard’s chin before meeting his piercing gaze. “So what do we do?” he asked in a soft whisper.

Shepard just stared at him, for a long moment, his lips parted slightly but no words coming out. Eventually he just closed his eyes, the exhaustion evident in the lines of his face and the slump of his shoulders, and leaned until his head was resting against Kaidan’s shoulder. Kaidan went briefly still, then released a quiet breath before slowly wrapping his arm around Shepard’s waist.

_Yeah. Later._


	7. Chapter 7

“You should sleep.”

“In a bit.”

Kaidan smiled a bit in defeat. He and Shepard lay on their backs, tucked together under the covers of Shepard’s bed. They hadn’t been to sleep yet, but Kaidan figured that laying down was a victory in itself. He closed his eyes, Shepard’s fingers gently twirling around strands of his hair.

“This can’t be regulation.”

“It’s not,” Kaidan smirked, eyes still closed contently. “No one’s said anything yet, though. You gonna make me shave it, Commander?”

“Nah,” Shepard laughed quietly, and Kaidan could hear the grin in his voice. “It’s too fun to play with.”

Kaidan couldn’t help his own wide smile as he snickered, softly but sounding loud in the quiet darkness of Shepard’s cabin. “You only like me for the hair? Shallow.”

“Of course not. You also have a fantastic ass.”

Kaidan was a grown man, and he did not giggle. “That’s even more shallow.”

Shepard rolled onto his side, propping himself up and grinning playfully down at him. “I never claimed to be a good guy. Just a guy with eyes.”

“You’re an ass,” Kaidan retorted.

He smiled softly up at the commander, feeling Shepard’s ever-constant heat seeping into his skin. He had a feeling that maybe he should be nervous, or at least guilty, about the two of them being in such an intimate position, but it all felt so natural. Like they’d done it a thousand times before. Maybe they had, in other lifetimes. Kaidan had seen too much of other worlds to discount things like reincarnation.

During his musing, Shepard had reached to brush his thumb along Kaidan’s lower lip, and his closed his eyes briefly to enjoy the contact. He opened them again when Shepard pulled his hand away, frowning a little, and Kaidan had to fight the disappointment in his gut. Probably best they took this slow, if they took it anywhere at all.

“You should sleep,” he repeated.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed.

* * *

Creeping out of Shepard’s cabin early the next morning was such a rush of adrenaline that Kaidan almost wondered if he didn’t need coffee. Almost. No need to get crazy.

Luckily he wasn’t caught. Even if he told the truth of it, no one would have believed him, anyway. _No, I swear, we just slept next to each other! There was also face touching. And he played with my hair and fell asleep on my shoulder. Yes,_ that _Commander Shepard._

He couldn’t help smiling goofily to himself as he made his way to the kitchenette in the crew lounge, up early enough to avoid being caught that he would likely be the first there. The thing with Shepard was a precarious one, in danger of ending as quickly as it began. He was a little bitter that he and John had to meet under circumstances that were almost sure to keep them apart, but he couldn’t be too angry. He was lucky to be allowed to know John at all. He wanted to know everything about him.

God, he was done for. Absolutely fucked.

He poured himself a coffee, yawning widely and rubbing his face. He’d only gotten a few hours, and would have kept sleeping if Shepard hadn’t accidentally woken him. The man just couldn’t stay in bed for one damn morning, Kaidan thought fondly. He’d manage to keep him there one day.

Kaidan grimaced and shook those kinds of thoughts out of his head. He couldn’t afford to imagine a future with Shepard. A present with him was already precarious and questionable enough. He poured his coffee and sipped it black, burning the tip of his tongue a bit.

He heard footsteps behind him, straightening when he saw it was one of the newer crew members, the Quarian mechanic named Tali’zorah. Shepard had taken to calling her Tali, and she hadn’t complained yet, so Kaidan figured it was fine. He couldn’t really see her face underneath her helmet, anyway, so that was all he had to go on. He had a feeling she wasn’t the type to keep quiet if something bugged her.

They’d spoken a few times, having bonded initially over omni-tools, of all things. Kaidan could admit that he was old fashioned, preferring his slightly dated model to the flashier ones that had recently been developed. Tali was playfully (probably) scandalized, and the ensuing argument had been like a breath of fresh air for Kaidan. He wasn’t sure how Tali felt, but it had been nice to have someone to debate tech with other than himself. Plus Tali was young, and funny, and hadn’t lost her passion yet. Kaidan could appreciate that.

“Hey,” he greeted her, smiling as he leaned against the counter. “I’d offer you coffee, but I’d probably get written up for homicide.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” Tali teased, and he could hear a grin. “I didn’t think anyone else would be awake.”

“I got up early,” Kaidan shrugged vaguely, sipping his coffee. “Feel like you’re settling in finally?”

“Mostly,” Tali sighed, resting her lower back against the island counter across from him and crossing her arms. “I’m mostly…what is that human saying…’faking it until I make it?’”

Kaidan snorted, grinning and nodding. “Yeah, that’s all of us.”

“Shepard is…confusing.”

 _Tell me about it._ “How so?”

Tali cocked her head slightly. “I don’t know how to read him. One minute he’s shouting, practically frothing at the mouth like a Vorcha, and next he’s…pleasant?”

“Pleasant, huh?” Kaidan smirked. “I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

“Wouldn’t you? I thought the two of you might be involved,” Tali hummed. “Perhaps humans are different. I have heard you are a remarkably affectionate race.”

Kaidan felt his ears burning and cleared his throat. “I. Well. It’s uh…we’re kind of figuring it out, at the moment. It’s not technically legal.”

“Why not?”

“He’s my commanding officer. It’s fraternization.”

“I see. Scandalous,” she giggled, laughing more when Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Alright, I can tell a sore subject when I see one.”

“Not sore. Just confusing,” Kaidan sighed.

They were quiet for a few moments. “How are you feeling after Therum?” Tali asked eventually, watching him closely. “I know you had a headache after all that noise.”

“It stayed just a headache, thankfully,” Kaidan told her, rubbing the back of his neck. “No big deal.”

“Have you ever considered upgrading to L3 implants?” Tali shifted her weight to her other foot. “It might be worth the risk.”

“Thought about it. Decided not to,” Kaidan murmured. “I can deal.”

“If you say so, Kaidan.”

* * *

“I need to talk to you.”

Kaidan looked up from where he was perched, lounging in a chair in the crew quarters with his knees propped up on the edge of the table in front of him. He put down his book, frowning at Shepard as he approached. “Okay. What’s up?”

“We’ve got a situation, Hackett called in. Apparently there’s a group of biotic extremists holding a chairman hostage.”

Kaidan blinked rapidly, lowering his feet to the floor. “Wait, what? Holding who hostage?”

“A chairman, form the committee for Transhuman Studies, I think Hackett said,” Shepard repeated, sighing heavily. “Chairman Burns. Hackett says they’re angry about-”

“He was a deciding vote, against reparations for L2’s,” Kaidan murmured, shaking his head and pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. “Great. Fucking great. Just what we need.”

Shepard sat down across from him, resting his forearms on the table. Kaidan lowered his hands to find Shepard watching him, his thick brows sitting low over his eyes. “Hackett’s asked us to deal with them,” he explained quietly; the soft tone reminded Kaidan of the previous night. Whispering to each other through the dark, nearly nose to nose, chaste touches charged with something dangerous.

“Deal with them how?” Kaidan asked slowly.

“I don’t know.” Shepard paused, his fingers twisting around each other. “Will you come with me? Can you?”

Kaidan grimaced, absently covering his implant with a palm. “I…might be too close to this one, Shepard.”

“I don’t wanna kill them,” Shepard sighed, his jaw working back and forth. “I wanna de-escalate, if I can. But…I don’t know what to say.” His eyes flitted upward, meeting Kaidan’s. “I’d like your help.”

Kaidan’s shoulders slumped a bit, the lines in his forehead smoothing a bit as he released a breath. “Okay,” he murmured. “Alright. I’ll be there.”

Shepard touched his hand, briefly, before anyone could see. His palm was rough in places and warm all over.

“Thank you.”

* * *

The extremists had taken over the MSV Ontario. As they prepared to board the downed freighter, Kaidan clenched and released his palms repeatedly, an uncomfortable prickling sensation in his palms and fingertips. He was not looking forward to how this ended. Shepard wasn’t known for his patience, and he wasn’t sure what to expect from the extremists. They were angry, and desperate, and frightened.

Not to mention the fact that they were bringing Garrus along. Garrus and Shepard had hit it off almost right away, which really wasn’t surprising. They were both sarcastic hardasses willing to do whatever it took to get shit done. But where Shepard’s stubbornness could be reasoned with, Garrus tended to stick to his guns to an infuriating fault. Not to mention that the man was jaded, frustrated from his time as a C-sec officer and seeing innocent people burned while evil ones went free. Kaidan could understand that, at least. Still, Garrus’ “shoot first, ask questions later” tactics put the Turian pretty low on the list of Kaidan’s favorite people. Certainly didn’t boost his confidence that this whole thing wouldn’t end with a freighter full of dead L2’s.

They boarded the Ontario, keeping their footsteps quiet as they drew their weapons and crouched behind over-sized cargo boxes and crates. Kaidan pursed his lips at the close quarters; not the best place to be fighting a bunch of biotics. A full kick from this up close could…well, he certainly knew what it could do. He pushed the flashback down before he could get hot all over and forget where he was.

Apparently they weren’t as sneaky as they thought, because they rounded a corner and came face to face with a group of men and women, all armed with pistols and lit up blue head to toe.

“Cover!” Shepard shouted, and the three of them dove behind crates as bullets and bursts of energy surged around them. Any time they tried to get out of cover long enough to take a shot, a kick would hit them and send them sprawling to the floor.

“It’s too close quarters!” Garrus shouted, his back pressed up against a crate and clutching his assault rifle in a firm grip.

Shepard peered over the edge, ducking when a bullet pinged near him. He leaned around the edge of the crate and fired a few shots, nailing one of the biotics in the leg and sending him tumbling to the ground. Not dead, though. _Not dead_.

“Push them back,” Shepard shouted over the noise. “The next room looks bigger. Kaidan!”

“On it!” Kaidan nodded, gritting his teeth as he slowly built up a charge, a static prickle beginning at the base of his skull and spreading throughout his body with a soft blue glow. He took a sharp breath through his nose, then stepped out from cover and sent the extremists skidding and flying backward with a mid-range kick. He advanced, continuing to push them back and into the larger room. He grunted as a bullet grazed his shoulder, but otherwise they were too busy falling or catching their breath after the wind was knocked from their lungs. _Just stay down_.

“One more move and he’s dead!”

Kaidan blinked, his head snapping to the side to find the chairman, on his knees with a pistol pressed tightly to the back of his skull. The man holding it was young, even younger than Ash, and his hand shook as he gripped the weapon. “We don’t wanna hurt you,” Kaidan told him, lifting up his hands and letting his biotic charge peter out. “We just want the chairman.”

“Can’t do that,” the extremist responded, his voice strained. “We tried doing this the peaceful way, but we got ignored. Force is the only thing people appreciate.”

“Please!” Burns pleaded, his voice wavering. “I was wrong, after seeing you it’s clear-”

“Let’s not do anything we’re all gonna regret,” Shepard interjected, slowly coming to stand beside Kaidan with his hands empty and out to his sides.

“Why not?” the man scoffed, his grip tightening on the pistol. Burns made a whimpering sound and closed his eyes tightly. “Without the reparations, we’ve got nothing to live for! Some L2’s are nearly crippled from side-effects!”

“That doesn’t mean you’d be better off dead,” Kaidan insisted, frowning deeply. “I’m an L2. I get it. I’m angry, too. But Burns is the only one who can help us, and if you kill him, that vote’s still gonna hold.”

“Yes! Yes, if you let me go, I can take another look at the reparations request!” Burns gasped, opening his eyes again. “I swear it.”

“What, and we’re supposed to just take your word for it?!”

“Trust me,” Kaidan implored, tapping his own chest twice with his palm. “Trust us. I’m an L2, and Commander Shepard is a Spectre, he has political sway. We can make sure Burns follows through.”

“Right,” the man scoffed, though he’d begun to look a little uncertain. “You say everything’ll be fine, then as soon as we let him go you double cross us.”

“Look, I’m not saying I’m gonna let you go,” Shepard said honestly. “But you’ll live, and Burns will take another look. We’ll make sure of it. That’s all I can promise.”

Burns nodded emphatically, his eyes wide. “I had no idea L2’s were this desperate. The reparations will come, I swear.”

The extremist stared at Shepard for a long moment, then glanced at Kaidan for another, before slowly lowering his pistol. “Fine. You’re right. We…we surrender.”

Burns slowly got to his feet, his knees a little shaky. He scurried toward Shepard, looking fearfully over his shoulder. “Thank you, Commander. I thought I was a dead man. I had no idea they were so desperate.”

“Then you weren’t doing your job,” Shepard said hollowly, giving him a hard look. “A fifth fleet cruiser will pick you all up.”

Kaidan and Garrus took up posts on either side of the exit, keeping an eye out in case anyone wanted to get daring before they could be arrested. Shepard put in the call for a cruiser, glowering every once in a while at the chairman but otherwise seeming content with how the mission had gone down. Kaidan had to admit, a warmth settled in his stomach as he watched Shepard giving orders into his comm, that he felt similarly.

* * *

“Is this gonna be a regular thing, now?” Shepard asked, smiling from the bed as Kaidan shuffled into his cabin. “A ‘personal’ debrief after the debrief of every mission?”

“Maybe,” Kaidan laughed quietly, coming to sit beside him. The stiff mattress creaked underneath his weight, and he shuffled until his back was pressed against the wall, his shoulder pressed gently against Shepard’s. “That a problem?”

“Not at all.”

Kaidan smiled, though it faded slowly as he let his head fall back against the wall. “Today was…I…wasn’t sure how that was gonna go.”

“You thought I would kill them.”

Kaidan grimaced, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. “I didn’t think you’d _like_ it. But they were terrorists. I didn’t think you’d have the patience for it.”

Shepard let out a slow breath through his nose, staring into space. Kaidan could almost see the words being pieced together in the air in front of him. “Yeah, they were terrorists. But they didn’t want to be. They were desperate. In pain. They felt alone in the world, like no one could hear them. No matter how loudly they screamed. So…I mean, I guess I felt for them.”

Kaidan stared at his profile, a strange lump settling in his throat. “I…I’m grateful we didn’t have to kill them, John.”

John turned his head to look at him, nodding slowly. “Yeah. Me, too.”

Kaidan searched his eyes for a moment, then looked down at his own hands. “I’ve always been told I’m lucky. To only get the migraines. Which I am, don’t get me wrong. But for a long time…for a long time, it was almost like I did have cancer. Just not one that would kill me. A cancer that would be in me forever, my whole life, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Got worse when I went to brain camp. Or, well, BAaT. That didn’t last past the airlock, though. We all called it brain camp.” Kaidan smiled a little bit, though it faded quickly. “Anyway. So some guys from Conatix were at my house one day after school. I was 15 or 16. And within a couple days I was shipped off to brain camp. It sounded kinda cool, at first, I was excited to get to learn how to use my biotics correctly. Especially after getting the implant, I spiked way higher than I could really control. Didn’t hurt anyone, yet, but I definitely broke some shit. Mom was less than thrilled.”

“Yet?” Shepard asked quietly, frowning.

Kaidan glanced at him, then swallowed and pressed on. “Met a girl, there. Her name was Rahna. She was beautiful, and kind, and sweet. I wanted to protect her, y’know? She was too good. Too good for all that shit.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead with the heel of his palm. “There was this asshole instructor, Vyrnnus. Turian, his favorite line was ‘I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father.’ And, since I was even more of a smartass back then, I told him well, my father wasn’t actually in the war. After that he fucking hated me,” he snorted, only half humorous.

“Rahna was damn terrified of him. He picked on her a lot. She didn’t really like using her biotics, gave her a nosebleed if she did anything more than scooting something across the table. And he didn’t like that, so he yelled at her all the time.” He paused, frowning hard at his own knees as his heart began to race.

“Kaidan…”

“Sh. I…I wanna tell you.” He took a deep breath, then continued. “So this one day. Vyrnnus had worked our asses off during training, a few hours at least. And Rahna was damn near passing out. I tried to help her, but…well, anyway. We were in line for water. And so she reaches for the glass, instead of pulling it with biotics. Because, who the hell uses their biotics to get a glass of water?” Kaidan scoffed bitterly, his jaw clenching as the anger surged momentarily, like he was back in that moment. “Vyrnnus broke her arm. And I don’t just mean a fracture, he fucking snapped it. Bone poked through and everything.

“I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I shoved him off her, started trying to wail on him a bit, and he pinned me to the ground and just obliterated me. Beat the shit out of me. I was so angry, and I…hit him with a full biotic kick. Right in the teeth.”

“Damn,” Shepard snorted softly. “Bet he hated getting shown up like that by a student.”

Kaidan grimaced. “He, uh…didn’t have time to hate it. I killed him.”

Shepard went quiet, and Kaidan stiffened as he could feel him just staring. “You killed him?”

“Yeah. Didn’t mean to. Snapped his neck with the kick.” He closed his palm over the back of his neck. “I hated him. But I was sorry I killed him. Wasn’t sorry he was dead, but…didn’t wanna be the one that did it.” He sighed heavily, closing his eyes. “Rahna wouldn’t talk to me after that. And I got kicked out, obviously. Didn’t really give a shit, I hated that place. Rahna hurt, though. She looked at me like…” He trailed off, swallowing as the lump settled in his throat again.

“You loved her.”

“I dunno about that,” Kaidan scoffed weakly, though he smiled a bit. “But I cared about her a lot. And I cared about what she thought of me. The way she looked at me, like I was some kind of monster, killed me. I went home for a couple of years, did ‘normal’ stuff, I guess. Tried to pretend I didn’t have this fucking not-cancer still inside me. And then, I joined the Alliance.”

Kaidan didn’t look at Shepard, even as he felt the Commander’s eyes on him. At first it felt like they were boring, burning a hole into the side of his head. The longer the silence went on, though, the more he just felt seen. And heard. Shepard reached to take his hand, like Kaidan had done for him the previous night, and Kaidan finally met his eyes.

“Thank you,” Shepard said softly, with feeling, lacing their fingers and holding on tightly. “Thank you for telling me. You’re so brave, Kaidan.”

Kaidan stared at him, his breath coming a little heavier as he felt like he might cry. His eyes stung a little, and he reached with his free hand to cup Shepard’s cheek before surging forward to firmly press their lips together.

Shepard went still for just a moment, then softened and slid a hand around the back of Kaidan’s head, fingers tangling into his hair and his palm over his implant. His lips were soft and full and warm, and Kaidan used his other arm to pull him a little closer, their chests slotted together like puzzle pieces. After another moment they separated slowly, and Kaidan opened his eyes to find that Shepard’s were still closed. He grinned gently and reached to brush his fingertips along Shepard’s lip, and the contact caused the commander’s eyes to flutter open. Bright blue and gentle.

“Oops,” Kaidan murmured.

Shepard grinned, snickering quietly. “Oops,” he agreed.


	8. Chapter 8

Kaidan woke with Shepard’s breath on his neck, a warm arm draped over his side. Shepard’s chest pressed to his back, their feet tangled at the end of the bed. Shepard had the blankets pulled up to their chins, his face burrowed into the tuft of hair at the base of Kaidan’s skull. Kaidan smiled softly, snuggling to get a little closer.

Shepard hummed quietly, his voice gravely in his throat, as the stirring woke him. “Mm.”

“Hey,” Kaidan whispered, shifting to get a look at his face. His eyes were still closed, his thick eyelashes laid delicately on the tops of his cheeks. Kaidan smiled, kissing softly between his eyes. “Didn’t mean to wake you, sorry.”

“S’okay.” Shepard shifted closer, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips. “Morning.”

“Morning.” Kaidan squinted as Shepard reached over his head to turn on the lamp beside them. “Ugh.”

John snickered, bending to nuzzle his throat sleepily. “So grumpy in the morning.”

“M’not grumpy. I’m a ray of sunshine.”

Kaidan’s eyes fluttered a bit as Shepard continued to kiss his skin, both of them warm and soft from sleep. He tilted his head back and Shepard pressed his lips to his pulse point, shuffling a little closer and slipping a leg between Kaidan’s thighs. Kaidan swallowed, gasping softly at the friction, the material of the sweatpants he’d borrowed thin enough to allow some heat but still a teasing barrier. He could feel Shepard half-hard against his leg.

“Okay?” Shepard asked softly, whispering into his ear. “Tell me stop, if not.”

Kaidan turned his head, kissing the corner of his mouth clumsily. “Don’t stop,” he begged quietly, looking up at John through lidded eyes. The commander’s skin was tinted a soft yellow form the lamplight, the contours of his face sharp and pronounced.

Shepard hummed, dipping to crash their lips together again. They were rough about it, maybe pressing a bit too hard, teeth cutting into lips. But it was good, and Kaidan wrapped his sleep weak arms around Shepard’s torso to keep him close. He groaned quietly when Shepard began to slowly roll his hips, lifting his own to meet him and panting softly through his nose. His hands slid underneath Shepard’s t-shirt, exploring the flexing muscles of his back and clutching at his shoulder blades.

Shepard frowned, lifting a hand to slide his fingers into Kaidan’s hair. He made a loose fist, not pulling but just holding on, and Kaidan groaned as John sucked his bottom lip hungrily.

“Shit.”

“Too fast?” Shepard asked, gasping softly by now and becoming flushed in the face.

“No,” Kaidan replied, just as breathless, his hands shaking slightly. “Keep going.”

John looked at him for a moment, like he couldn’t believe Kaidan was letting him continue. It kind of made Kaidan want to giggle, the idea that Commander Shepard, who could likely have anyone he wanted in the galaxy and beyond, wasn’t sure Kaidan would want him. He took John’s cheeks in his hands and kissed him hard, to make sure he wasn’t confused any longer.

His lower abdomen spasmed slightly as a hand was impatiently shoved down the front of his pants and briefs both, a warm palm closing around his erection. He gasped softly and lifted up his hips invitingly, letting Shepard know that he should keep going, that he’d damn well better keep going. Shepard began to pump his fist, slowly at first as he kissed the side of Kaidan’s neck again and sucked gently at the skin. Gently enough to leave no marks. Kaidan was oddly disappointed at that, but he knew it was smart. Smart, they had to be smart.

_Said the asshole with his C.O.’s hand down his pants._

He was jolted out of his own thoughts by Shepard’s teeth nipping at his earlobe, and he growled lowly, yanking Shepard down and nearly giving them both a split lip from the force of the kiss. He reached to push Shepard’s shorts and briefs down, just far enough that they sat snugly underneath his ass and his cock sprang into sight. Kaidan reached for it blindly, beginning to pump quickly and hoping Shepard would follow the pace. John whined in his throat and pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s shoulder, the veins in his forearm pronounced as he worked Kaidan over as well as he could with the clumsy angle.

Kaidan clung tightly to him, the only sound their frantic breath and the slight creaking of Shepard’s mattress as Kaidan lifted his hips and dug in his heels. He came a moment later, gasping and muffling the groan against Shepard’s skin. He felt a rush of warmth on his stomach almost straight after, Shepard’s body quaking from head to toe against him. Their writhing slowly ceased, until they rested slumped, pants half down and skin slightly sweaty. Kaidan closed his eyes, catching his breath and trying to wrap his head around what had just happened so suddenly.

He opened them again when Shepard shifted, pushing himself up onto his forearms and looking down at Kaidan with an unreadable expression.

“I…” Kaidan began, his mouth hanging open as he tried to piece his words together. “That was…I mean…maybe we-”

Shepard kissed him softly, brushing Kaidan’s curls out of his eyes. “It was good. Right?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, smiling a bit. “I just-”

They both nearly leapt out of their skin at a sharp knock on the door. “It’s locked,” Shepard murmured when Kaidan looked panicked. “What?” he snapped louder, scowling at the door.

“Sorry, sir, Admiral Hackett is on comms. Said he has an update for you.”

“Fucking hell,” Shepard muttered, sitting up and rubbing his face with his clean hand. “Alright, I’ll be right there.”

“How late did we sleep?!” Kaidan hissed, watching Shepard roll out of bed as the footsteps outside in the hall faded away. “Someone’s gonna see me coming out of here!”

“Don’t get sassy,” Shepard laughed, wiping down his hand and stomach with a towel. “I’ll make sure you can make a clean getaway.”

Kaidan huffed, glowering at him as he pulled his uniform on. “You’re enjoying this a little too much.”

Shepard grinned, fastening the last clasp before bending down and kissing Kaidan firmly. “I like a bit of danger.”

* * *

Kaidan left his weekly appointment with Chakwas later that morning, clutching a fresh bottle of pills in his fist and feeling a little anxious. Chakwas had apparently noticed that something was on his mind, but Kaidan wasn’t about to explain what was bothering him. There were some things even Chakwas wouldn’t keep private for him. The previous night, and the following morning, had been stupid of him. Extremely stupid. He was risking his, and Shepard’s, career. And for what?

_For soft lips and strong hands and a rumbling voice in his ear. For a warm chest, a fire inside of him, a crooked smile, bright blue eyes. For “you’re so brave, Kaidan,” and “I like a bit of danger.”_

Kaidan groaned, pressing his fists to his eyes and leaning against the wall. Fucked. He was fucked. So, so fucked.

“What happened?”

Kaidan gasped and jumped a foot in the air, his heart hammering as he realized it was only Ash, squinting at him suspiciously. “Huh? Nothing.”

“Even you don’t go slumping dramatically against walls for no reason, LT. Is it your head?”

“No, my head’s fine,” Kaidan muttered.

“Okay, so it’s something else, then,” Ashley pressed, crossing her arms. “It’s Shepard, isn’t it?”

“For the love of- can we not talk about this here?” Kaidan hissed glaring at her.

Ashley rolled her eyes, grabbing his wrist. “Fine, come on.” She dragged him off toward the sleeping quarters, which were abandoned now that everyone had awakened and gone about their day. She shut the door behind them and pushed him to sit at the table in the center of the room. “Alright. What happened?”

“Nothing,” Kaidan repeated, staring stubbornly at her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Kaidan,” she sighed, putting her hands on her hips. “I’m not trying to harass you, I just wanna know if something’s wrong.”

“…nothing’s wrong, really,” Kaidan said slowly, looking at his own hands splayed on the table. “…stuff’s gotten complicated with Shepard.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

Kaidan turned a little red, grimacing. “Not…well, that depends what you define ‘sleeping with him’ as…”

“Kaidan for crying out loud!” Ashley griped, sitting across from him heavily. “Did you get his pants off or no?!”

“Sh!” Kaidan hissed, glancing over her shoulder at the door. “…they were only half off.”

Ashley stared blankly at him for a moment, then slowly lifted her fingers to press against her temples. “LT, noooo…”

“I know,” Kaidan groaned, slumping in his chair miserably. “But I couldn’t help it!”

“Couldn’t help it?!”

“I mean I couldn’t help wanting to! He’s so…I’m just really into him, Ash,” Kaidan admitted weakly.

Ashley’s face softened a bit. “I get that, but he’s not just any guy.”

“It’s not fair,” Kaidan practically pouted, sliding a bit further down in his chair.

Ashley watched him, a slight smile lifting the corner of her mouth. “You’re pathetic,” she told him fondly.

“I know.”

She let out a long breath, leaning back in her own chair and staring at the far wall for a moment. “Look. I’m not gonna say anything. But just…watch it, alright? I don’t want anything to happen to either of you. I’d go nuts without you.”

Kaidan snorted, kicking her boot affectionately underneath the table. “Don’t go soft on us now, Williams.”

“Maybe I’ve been soft this whole time, and you two just piss me off,” Ashley retorted, smirking.

Kaidan laughed quietly, a bit of the weight in his chest lifting. “Can’t argue with that. …thanks.”

“Sure. Just look after yourself, Kaidan. Okay? I can’t always be there to do it for you,” Ashley huffed, glaring at him half-heartedly.

Kaidan reached across the table, squeezing her forearm affectionately. “I’ll try my best.”

* * *

Kaidan had originally thought that his least favorite planet so far was Eden Prime. Upon further consideration, and after being dragged around hell and back, he decided to change that to Feros.

Feros had been a goddamn nightmare pretty much since they landed. Shepard had taken Kaidan and Ashley with him to investigate the Zhu’s Hope colony, and they had quickly discovered that it was overrun by Geth. Thankfully, they were able to make quick work of them, clearing out the tower and some of the upper levels of the Prothean city that the colonists had been building on. The colony’s leader, Fai Dan, was a good man, grateful for their help and offering them extra beds for the night in exchange. Shepard grimaced, looking like he wanted to politely refuse, but the Normandy wasn’t within range any longer, and their journey had taken a lot out of them.

Kaidan, John, and Ash sat in one of the living units that evening, John turned toward the light of the lamp and Kaidan perched beside him, gauze and antiseptic in his hands. Shepard had gotten hit pretty good in the earlier firefight, the bullet grazing him but still leaving a deep trench in his shoulder. Kaidan gently wiped away the dried blood, reopening the wound a bit and pressing down until the bleeding stopped once more. John didn’t make a sound, having had far worse.

“Daily attacks,” Ashley sighed, frowning up at the ceiling. She was stretched out on her back on one of the beds, her arms folded behind her head. “It’s a wonder they’ve lasted this long.”

“Why this colony?” Shepard sighed, sitting still as Kaidan carefully disinfected his wound and began to sew it closed. The colony’s doctor had been killed in one of the recent Geth waves, and Kaidan trusted himself more than any of the colonists to do the job properly.

“There must be something here,” Ashley said, turning her head to look at them both. “Saren wouldn’t have sent forces here without good reason.”

Kaidan tied off the last stitch, carefully plastering a bandage over it. He spent maybe a few seconds too long smoothing his fingers over it, to ensure it was flat, before speaking. “ExoGeni’s headquarters might have some answers,” he suggested, shuffling away from Shepard before he could do anything stupid with Ash sitting right there. “Tell us what the hell he wants from this place.”

Shepard nodded, rubbing his face tiredly. “Yeah. We’ll head there tomorrow. Get some sleep, people.”

Kaidan sank into the bed beside Shepard’s, pretending he couldn’t feel Ashley’s eyes on him. The lights went dark and he lay on his back, staring into the black and wondering how’d he’d gotten used to sleeping next to someone so quickly. He blinked when he felt something touch his hand, then relaxed and smiled a bit when he realized it was only Shepard, reaching across the space between their beds. Kaidan squeezed Shepard’s hand gently in response, and held onto it until it slipped from his grasp as they both drifted off.

* * *

When the ExoGeni scientist had told them that Saren was after a sentient plant called the Thorian, Kaidan wasn’t sure exactly what he’d expected. But, as they stared up at the towering being, it’s tentacles spread and latched onto each wall of the tower it was encased in, it’s maw dripping and vomiting an Asari commando, he was quite sure it wasn’t that.

“What…the fuck?”

“You can say that again,” Shepard mumbled, taking a step back as the Asari rolled up to her feet like a puppet on a string.

“Invaders,” she began, her posture crooked and her eyes lifeless. “Your every step is a transgression. A thousand feelers appraise you as meat, good only to dig or decompose.” She twitched slightly, her shoulders squaring but her head tilted at a disconcerting angle. “I speak for the Old Growth as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian. It commands that you be in awe.”

“…what the fuck?” Ashley echoed, a hand slowly moving toward her weapon.

“Easy,” Shepard murmured, his eyes trained on the Asari as she watched them just as closely. “I need what you gave to Saren,” he said louder.

The Thorian’s tentacles twitched, and the Asari stared at him silently, her eyes still dead and giving nothing away. “Saren,” she began, “seeks knowledge of those who are gone. The Old Growth listened to flesh for the first time in the long cycle. Trades were made, and then Cold Ones began killing the flesh that would tend the next cycle.”

“Give me what I need, and I’ll make him pay for lying to you,” Shepard said firmly, his own hand reaching toward his weapon, now.

“The Old Growth sees the air you push as lies,” she snapped, widening her stance. “It will listen no more.”

She was quick, but Shepard was quicker, pulling his rifle and plugging bullets in her chest before she should so much as grasp her rifle. They had about two seconds to be relieved before Kaidan heard footsteps, looking over his shoulder and swearing harshly when he saw a group of husks coming toward them. “Commander!”

“Take ‘em down!” Shepard shouted back, opening up a spray of bullets on the attackers. Their flesh flew apart, flecking the ground and their armor with dark red blood. They were down within a few seconds, but echoing moans around the chamber indicated that there were more on the levels above. Not to mention the fact that the Thorian could vomit hundreds more commandos, for all they knew.

They made a break for the stairs, intent on finding a weak spot somewhere from a better vantage point. They had barely turned the corner when they skidded to a halt, another pack of husks turning slowly to stare at them before lurching forward. Kaidan grit his teeth lifted his arms, all of the husks following his gesture up into the air as he raised them biotically. He held them there, suspended, as Shepard and Ashley took them out, making precise shots rather than spraying them wildly as before.

“Nice work, Lieutenant,” Shepard said firmly once they were all dead, Kaidan letting them fall to the ground. “Let’s keep ascending.”

“Yes, sir.”

They climbed to the next level, taking out another group once they got there. Kaidan blinked as he noticed that one of the Thorian’s thick tentacles was latched to the wall, and had been hit with a few stray bullets. It bled slowly, oozing green. “Commander, I think the tentacles are weak. We may be able to injure it by targeting them.”

Shepard looked up, squinting at the injuries Kaidan had pointed out. “Worth a shot. Fire on three.” The three of them lifted their weapons and assaulted the appendage, and the Thorian screeched as it was forced to release it’s hold on the concrete. The tentacle slid off of the platform and to the ground below, hanging uselessly.

“Hell yeah!” Ashley grinned manically, punching the air. “Let’s get the others!”

“Follow me,” Shepard snorted, shaking his head and continuing on.

It took only three weakened tentacles for the Thorian to collapse completely, it’s blood now soaking the bottom floor and most of it’s body. It gave a terrible tremble, shaking the surrounding walls and letting out a wail that nearly split Kaidan’s forehead down the middle. He grunted, covering his ears until the thing fell to it’s death in the pit below, going silent.

Shepard’s shoulders slumped, his armor and much of his face splattered with Thorian and husk blood alike. “Thank fuck,” he sighed, looking around to see if there were any stray enemies. “Everyone alright?”

“No major injuries, sir,” Ash assured him, pulling off her helmet and wiping the blood from her visor. “Gross.”

“All good here, too,” Kaidan agreed, holstering his weapon. “That was-”

They all jumped as what appeared to be some sort of egg sac on the wall split open, another commando collapsing to the ground before pulling herself to her feet. Kaidan tensed, but her eyes were clear, if a bit confused, flitting this way and that as she took in her surroundings.

“I’m…free,” she breathed, panting as she caught her breath. Her soft purple skin glistened with whatever ooze had been inside of the sac. Her gaze locked onto Shepard’s face, seeming to ignore Ashley and Kaidan or simply not notice them. “I suppose…I should thank you, for releasing me.”

“How do I know this isn’t some kind of trick?” Shepard asked sharply, a hand reached over his shoulder to clutch the handle of his weapon.

The Asari scoffed weakly, still a bit shaky on her feet. “This is no trick. Clearly, the Thorian is dead, or we would not be speaking.” She leaned back against the concrete wall, bracing herself as she pressed a hand to her forehead. “My name is Shiala,” she told them, her eyes closed as she appeared to overcome dizziness. “I serve- I _served_ Matriarch Beneziah.”

“Liara’s mother?” Ashley whispered, exchanging a look with Kaidan.

“When the matriarch allied herself with Saren, I follow suit,” Shiala continued. “Beneziah saw the influence that Saren would have, the affect that his ambitions would have on himself and the galaxy. She joined him to guide him down a gentler path. But Saren is…compelling. And Beneziah lost her way,” she murmured, a sort of sorrow in her voice, tinted with anger.

“Wait, wait,” Shepard frowned, holding up a hand. “Compelling how? Does Beneziah have a thing for Turians, or are we talking like, mind control?”

“Shepard,” Kaidan muttered, giving him a scolding look.

“I’m just saying that matriarchs are among the powerful and intelligent beings in the world, and it makes no sense for one to come under the control of someone like Saren,” Shepard retorted.

“Saren has a vessel, unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” Shiala explained, her brow pulling in at the center. “An enormous warship. He calls it Sovereign. It can infect the minds of it’s followers. Control them. They become indoctrinated to Saren’s will, in a process so subtle one does not notice it is happening until it is complete. And then, it’s too late, and absolute.”

“Were you indoctrinated?” Shepard asked, raising a wary eyebrow.

“I’m not certain,” Shiala admitted. “Most likely not, or I would not be speaking to you. I was a willing slave, when I first joined Saren’s cause. He needed my biotics to interact with the Thorian, and learn it’s secrets. I was offered up as a sacrifice to secure an alliance between it and Saren.”

“Nice guy,” Ashley snorted. “Why were the Geth trying to destroy it, then? I thought they worked with Saren.”

“Once Saren had what he needed, he turned on the Thorian,” Shiala said, pushing herself away from the wall now that she appeared to be more steady. “He knows that you are following in his steps, and he wanted to destroy the Thorian to ensure that you could gain the cipher.”

Shepard sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his neck agitatedly. “So many goddamn names for things. What the hell is the cipher?”

Shiala approached, and Kaidan had to fight the urge to pull John behind him protectively. “The beacon on Eden Prime gave you visions,” Shiala stated, not a question. “But they were confused. They were meant for a Prothean mind. To truly comprehend them, you must understand the Protheans, their culture, their history. The Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city, and it possessed the knowledge necessary to decipher the beacon’s vision.”

“So, what, the Thorian gave Saren a history lesson?” Shepard snorted, crossing his arms. “I find that hard to believe.”

“The Thorian possesses the knowledge of what it is to be a Prothean. When they died, it consumed them, their essence became a part of it. It is not something that can be explained. It would be like trying to explain color to a creature without eyes,” Shiala told him.

“…creepy,” Shepard drawled.

“To understand this essence,” Shiala continued, ignoring him, “One must have access to the Protheans’ ancestral memory. I had access to this when I melded with the Thorian. Our identities merged, our minds entertwined. Such knowledge cannot be taught. It simply exists.”

Ashley tensed up a bit, the corners of her mouth turning down. “Commander, I don’t like where this is going,” she said slowly.

“I need the cipher,” Shepard interrupted, his jaw set determinedly.

Shiala considered him for a moment, tilting her head. “Hm. There is a way. I could transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren.”

“No,” Ashley said sharply. “No.”

“Ash, relax,” Shepard murmured, clapping her shoulder plate gently. “It’ll be fine.”

Kaidan swallowed, his heart pounding as Shiala approached Shepard slowly. “John, I don’t think this is the best idea,” he insisted, shoulders tense. “We don’t know what’ll happen.”

“We need this knowledge, Kaidan,” Shepard told him, turning toward him. He pressed their foreheads together, looking into his eyes. “Trust me.”

Kaidan sighed heavily through his nose, heart still racing. “I…I do. Just…be careful.”

Shepard straightened again, nodding toward Shiala, who came to a halt when they were nearly toe to toe. “Try to relax, commander,” she advised. “Slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell.” She lifted her hands to rest them on Shepard’s shoulders. “Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us, one to another. Every action sends ripples across the galaxy, every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another’s spirit.”

Kaidan clenched his teeth, glaring hard at Shiala and clenching his fists as he resisted the urge to rip her off of him.

“We are all connected.” Shiala’s voice was melodious, echoing softly in the chamber. Shepard seemed entranced, watching her face with rapt attention. “Every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe, commander.

Embrace Eternity.”

Shiala’s eyes closed, and then opened again, black as midnight and soulless as a void. Shepard went rigid, his own eyes squeezing shut and his jaw clenching as if in pain. Kaidan reached out to grab Ashley’s arm as she lunged forward. “Don’t.”

It lasted only a few seconds, and Shepard collapsed to the ground when it was over. He braced himself on his hands, still conscious, but Kaidan fell to his knees beside him anyway.

“John. John.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard muttered, though he was shaking and sheet white. “M’fine.”

“What did you do to him?” Ashley snapped, glaring at Shiala and moving as if to pull out her weapon.

“I have given him the cipher,” Shiala told her. “He is not hurt. Only overwhelmed.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard repeated, though he didn’t fight as Kaidan pulled him up to sit.

Kaidan snorted softly and pulled off his glove, feeling Shepard’s pulse and his forehead. Alright, but feverish. “We need to get you back to the Normandy.”

“The ancestral memories of the Protheans are part of you, now,” Shiala said. “It will take time for your mind to process. I am sorry if you have suffered,” she said more softly. “But there was no other way. In time, the cipher will help you understand the vision you gained on Eden Prime.”

“It damn well better,” Shepard muttered, still sickly white and his forehead glistening with cold sweat.

“We can’t let her go, commander,” Ashley insisted. “Not after what was done to the colonists.” Kaidan grit his teeth as the images of the colonists attacking them, Fai Dan killing himself, all under the Thorian’s thrall, flashed in his mind.

“If you allow it, I would like to provide my assistance to the remaining colonists at Zhu’s Hope,” Shiala said. “They have suffered greatly, and I played a part. I would like to make amends, if I can.”

Shepard frowned at her for a moment, searching her face, then nodded once. “Fine. The colonists will need all the help they can get. But if we hear of you causing trouble, we’ll be back.”

“But-”

“Enough, Williams,” Shepard interrupted sternly. Just that seemed to take some energy out of him, causing him to slump a bit in Kaidan’s arms.

“Let’s get you back to the ship,” Kaidan murmured, tucking his arms underneath him and lifting him up.

They parted ways with Shiala at Zhu’s Hope, where the colonists surprisingly welcomed her help. Although, they were desperate, Kaidan conceded. Maybe they figured it was worth the risk. Shepard insisted on walking through the colony, despite being shaky on his feet. Kaidan allowed it, and held his tongue when Shepard collapsed as soon as they were out of sight of the colonists.

“Alright, tough guy, come on,” he whispered, lifting him once again. He tried to bite back the smile as Shepard mumbled and burrowed into his chest, mostly snuggling up to Kaidan’s chest plate but apparently not minding. Kaidan climbed into the Mako with him, laying him down on the floor so he didn’t roll off the bench while Ashley was driving.

“You two all set?” Ashley called from up front, starting up the engine. “I am so fucking done with this planet.”

“You and me both,” Shepard mumbled, frowning squeamishly.

“Let’s get back,” Kaidan sighed, reaching to pet Shepard’s hair reassuringly as they pulled away from Zhu’s Hope.


	9. Chapter 9

Kaidan was just about sick of constantly waiting outside the medbay, mission after mission, waiting for Shepard to not be dead. Maybe he was being dramatic, but maybe Shepard had also been gray and cold since the moment he and Ash had bundled him out of the Thorian’s lair. When they’d rolled into the cargo bay and left the planet behind (Kaidan had to suppress the urge to give Feros two big middle fingers as the planet’s surface was obscured by the bay door sliding closed), Shepard had only made it about two steps out before vomiting on the floor. Kaidan had gone “full mother hen,” as Ash had so eloquently put it, and now here they were. Shepard stretched out on an exam table, again, as Kaidan wore a path into the floor outside, again.

Kaidan wondered, sometimes, if this war would be the death of them.

He looked up as the door hissed softly and opened, expecting to see Chakwas and blinking when instead he saw a six foot tall stubborn-ass mule of a man. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked firmly, frowning as Shepard straightened the collar of his uniform.

“Debriefing,” Shepard told him, not sparing him a glance. He still had dark circles under his eyes, his color a bit off. His fingers trembled slightly as he brushed the crumples from his clothes, though Kaidan supposed they often did that. Still-

“You should be resting,” Kaidan argued, following him and having to power walk to keep up with his pace. “You don’t look-”

“If I want advice I’ll ask for it, Lieutenant,” Shepard interrupted, finally turning his eyes on him to give him a sharp look.

Kaidan’s words died in his mouth, and the corners of his eyes tightened as he watched Shepard board the elevator. “Yeah, alright,” he muttered. “I’ll report for the debrief in a moment, _sir_.”

Shepard didn’t answer, and the doors slid closed. Kaidan pursed his lips as he stalked to the crew’s quarters so he could pace, long enough that he could make a point via tardiness.

Stubborn, confusing, infuriating _bastard_.

* * *

“Liara.”

Liara glanced over her shoulder, sat at her desk, with wide blue eyes as Kaidan approached. “Lieutenant Alenko,” she greeted, getting to her feet.

“Kaidan is fine, Liara, I told you,” he insisted, smiling a bit. “Just wanted to see how you were doing. You looked pretty faint after the debrief.”

“That is kind of you,” Liara nodded, the corner of her mouth lifting. “Commander Shepard has already checked in on me. I’m alright.”

“Good. How, uh…how did the commander look?” Kaidan asked, hoping he sounded casual. He even stuck his hands in his pockets.

Liara tilted her head at him, her eyes sharpening a bit as she searched his expression. “A little ill, I think. But better than he was. Why don’t you check on him yourself? I was under the impression you were-”

“Yeah, everyone says that,” Kaidan muttered. “Clearly it’s more obvious to everyone else than it is to me, because I’m still confused as hell.”

The silence between them lasted a few beats longer than Kaidan was comfortable with. “I see,” Liara eventually murmured.

Kaidan shifted his weight to his other foot, looking at the corner of the room like it was suddenly interesting. “Thanks for helping him, anyway. Helping us. You’ve been really invaluable, we wouldn’t have gotten this far without you.”

Liara smiled softly, clearly pleased and a little embarrassed. “I’m sure you would have managed. But, thank you.”

“Sure.” Kaidan removed his hands from his pockets in favor of crossing his arms, leaning with his shoulder pressed to the wall. “So…how likely do you think it is we’ll find Benezia on Noveria?”

“Quite,” Liara told him, resting back against the edge of her desk. “Geth sightings are frequent there, and it is the location of a prominent genetics lab. I am not sure why she or Saren would be interested in such a place, but it is suspicious.”

“Seems weird that sentient machines like Reapers or geth would be interested in genetics,” Kaidan mused.

Liara nodded, rubbing small circles into the center of her forehead with the tips of her fingers. “I know. I am not sure what to make of it.”

“Sorry,” Kaidan grimaced, pushing away from the wall. “I’ll leave you alone. Just wanted to check in.”

“I appreciate it,” Liara said, smiling apologetically. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I am still exhausted from the joining with Shepard.”

Kaidan shoved down the juvenile spike of jealousy, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. “Get some rest. Goodnight, Liara.”

“Goodnight, Kaidan.”

Kaidan shuffled back out to the common area, rubbing his face. It wasn’t that he thought Shepard would be interested in Liara. He’d actually asked, early on when Liara had first joined them. Shepard had given him his signature raised eyebrow and informed him that if there was any interest on Liara’s part, she was barking up the wrong tree, and since when did Kaidan become so jealous?

Kaidan wasn’t, not exactly. Not in the way Shepard thought. It was just…John was so confusing to him. And frustrating. And despite what stories they’d shared (or rather, Kaidan had shared), how many times they joked and kissed and touched, Kaidan still felt like there was a wall between them that Shepard was maintaining. With every brick Kaidan knocked down, Shepard would board the opening over with heavy nails and plywood. The idea of Liara linking her consciousness with Shepard’s, well…it made him a little envious. Like she had a connection to John that Kaidan would never have.

He blinked when his omnitool flashed in the corner of his eye, peering at it and seeing a message, from John of course. “Come here,” it said, and Kaidan snorted. As if he would just come, whenever Shepard called, in a heartbeat. No questions asked…

He pursed his lips as he found himself marching into Shepard’s cabin, closing and locking the door behind him. Bastard.

“What?” he asked, a little testy after Shepard’s attitude earlier. He paused when he saw Shepard on the bed, scooted back against his pillows with his face in his hands. The room was dark save for the light from his monitor, even the lamp on the side table turned off. “What’s wrong?” he asked instead, approaching the bed and slowly sitting on the edge.

“Dizzy,” Shepard muttered, muffled behind his palms.

“Should’ve stayed in bed earlier,” Kaidan snorted quietly, feeling just a tad smug. Not too smug, though. Shepard looked damn pathetic. “Lay down, then.”

Shepard grumbled behind his hands, scowling when Kaidan pulled at his wrist. “Hey, quit it.”

“I can’t hear you behind your hands, stubborn ass,” Kaidan murmured, scooting to sit closer to him. “Come here.” He settled back against the pillows, tugging until Shepard stretched out, resting his head in Kaidan’s lap. Kaidan smiled softly, reaching to gently pet his hair and enjoying the soft fuzz on his palm.

Shepard let out a long, slow breath, his body relaxing. He turned his head, burying his face into Kaidan’s stomach. “You smell good.”

“I do my best,” Kaidan teased softly. “Did Liara help with everything, at least? In regards to the pain, or sickness, or whatever.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel as shitty,” Shepard murmured. Kaidan could feel Shepard’s low voice vibrating against his skin. “Just a little dizzy. Being in the dark helps.”

“You don’t have a headache or anything, do you?” Kaidan asked, concerned it might be worse than Shepard made it sound.

Shepard shook his head minutely, rubbing his cheek against Kaidan’s shirt. “Nah. Nothing like that. Like I’d tell you if I did,” he added with a snort.

Kaidan lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “I’m not that asshole that goes around saying you’re not allowed to complain about a headache.”

“Still wouldn’t.”

Kaidan shook his head quietly, just continuing to coddle him for a while. The commander didn’t complain, and Kaidan would have thought he was asleep if it weren’t for Shepard rubbing the material of Kaidan’s shirt in between his fingers.

“So the Protheans were wiped out by Reapers,” Shepard murmured eventually. “The Protheans were the most powerful race in the galaxy. What does that make the Reapers?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan sighed, resting his head back and looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “It took them a long time to fully wipe out the Protheans. Maybe they were just…really persistent. Not necessarily all-powerful.”

Shepard hummed quietly, silent for a few moments. “Saren seems to think they’re pretty powerful.”

“Saren could be nuts, for all we know. Who’s to say the Reapers are even still around? It’s been so long.”

More silence, and a strange pit settled in Kaidan’s stomach. They didn’t say anything more, laying in the dark and quiet and resting while they could.

* * *

“Mom was right. Should’ve brought a sweater.”

Kaidan looked up as Shepard snorted, sending him a playful grin over his shoulder as he climbed up onto the Mako. “Your mom told you to bring a sweater to Noveria?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan laughed, taking the offered hand and hoisting himself up as well. “She was right. I’ve been freezing since we got here.”

“You’re cold blooded,” Shepard teased, hauling open the hatch and dropping down into the vehicle. “Like a reptile.”

“Just because you run like a furnace,” Kaidan scoffed, turning and extending a hand to Liara. “Need a hand?”

Liara smiled and took it, pulling herself up gracefully. “Thank you. We should hurry. The emergency signal at Peak 15 has been activated for some time, and it will take long enough to get through the blizzard.”

The two of them dropped down into the Mako, buckling in as Shepard started the engine.

“Maybe I should drive, Commander…” Kaidan suggested, grimacing.

“Nah, I can do it,” Shepard told him, grinning a little too widely.

Kaidan sighed, giving Liara a significant look and nodding to the handle above her head. “You’re gonna wanna hold onto that.”

It turned out that the blizzard was less of a problem than the turrets Benezia had apparently planted all along the path leading up to the lab. By the time they came to a halt outside the facility, Shepard was pissed off and the Mako had seen better days. Kaidan bit back the fond smile as Shepard muttered obscenities to himself, throwing open the hatch like it had personally offended him. It wasn’t that Shepard was funny when he was mad, it was just…okay, yeah. It was that.

Kaidan crawled out of the vehicle, reaching back to help pull Liara up as well.

“You know that I do not need assistance, Kaidan,” Liara reminded him, smirking a bit as she settled on her feet. “There is being a gentleman, and then there is being a maternal chicken.”

“Mother hen,” Shepard corrected, a shit eating grin on his face. Apparently, making fun of Kaidan was a sure-fire way to lift his spirits.

Kaidan smirked, nudging him just hard enough to send him stumbling a step. “You’re both hilarious. Sorry, Liara. Used to working with other marines, I get weird around civilians.”

Liara just smiled, leaping from the top of the Mako and to the ground, landing in a crouch before straightening and smoothing her clothes. “I may not be a commando, but I am no civilian, Kaidan.”

Kaidan laughed quietly, hopping down after her. “Yes, ma’am. Won’t happen again.” He smiled when she just patted his shoulder good-naturedly. Yeah, Liara was alright.

“Let’s head inside,” Shepard said, approaching what appeared to be the facility’s garage. The main door was locked, meaning they would need to leave the Mako outside and hope it didn’t get fucked with, so they tried the small door off to the side instead. Finding that to be locked as well, Shepard pulled out his rifle and non-chalantly blasted the lock and handle clean off, the shot echoing off of the tall slabs of rock surrounding them.

Kaidan fixed him with a dry look. “Well. There goes the element of surprise.”

“Fuck surprise,” Shepard smirked, slipping past the doorway.

They found themselves in a wide open room, full of vehicles and steel cargo bins. Shepard made it a couple of steps in, on point as usual, before a bright red circle of light lit up his chest. Kaidan moved before he could think, ducking behind the nearest container with Liara on his heels as bullets rained down where they’d been standing moments before. He peeked out of cover, taking note of the group of geth, headed by a Krogan battlemaster. A favorite squad lineup of Saren’s, it seemed.

Shepard had rolled the opposite direction, his back pressed against the wheel of a truck, shots pinging off of the doors and shattering the windows.

“Kaidan!”

“Commander!”

“Take my left! Liara, stay put, we’ll divide and conquer!”

“Aye aye, sir!”

Kaidan took a breath, then tucked and rolled out of cover and across the open gap between himself and Shepard. A bullet or two found him but either buried into his armor or scraped by and hit the floor a ways off, instead. He came to a halt near Shepard, and took a moment to brace himself before making a break for cover on his left side. He flashed the commander a flirtatious grin. “Hey.”

He couldn’t see Shepard’s mouth too well behind the helmet, but he could swear his eyes were twinkling. “Go.”

Kaidan grinned, squaring his shoulders and throwing himself into a sprint toward a nearby cargo bin. He missed the bullets this time, skidding the last few feet on his side and then slamming his back up against the steel once he was safe. As soon as he had his bearings he propped himself up, picking off geth that got too close. He eyed the battlemaster, knowing Shepard would go straight for him, and tried to take out as many geth as he could so he could focus on helping the commander out.

Liara appeared to mainly use her biotics in combat, only pulling her pistol when an enemy drew too close. Otherwise she was tossing them about like rag dolls, even tearing a couple apart in a mess of sparks and wires. Kaidan would have swooned a bit if he wasn’t preoccupied; he’d have to get her to teach him that one. He saved his own strength for later, relying on his rifle and keeping an eye on Shepard as he engaged the Krogan and listening as the commander muttered curses under his breath.

Shepard appeared to lose his patience, stepping out of cover and giving Kaidan a heart attack. He shouted down the comms for him to get back down, but John ignored him, firing shot after rapid shot until the Krogan fell to his knees. Liara held him there with a force field, gritting her teeth to keep him in place while Shepard plugged him with a few more holes. Finally the battlemaster slumped, dead and lying in a steadily growing puddle of blood.

“Idiot,” Kaidan huffed under his breath, stalking up to Shepard and glaring at him. “You can’t just jump out of cover like that.”

“I had it under control,” Shepard told him, a little testily, as he holstered his weapon again.

“You could’ve gotten hurt,” Kaidan snipped back.

“I didn’t. Watch it, Kaidan.”

“Would hardly make sense for you to get shot before we even-”

“Enough, Lieutenant,” Shepard snapped, giving him a sharp look. “Why do you insist on questioning me in the field? I’m your commanding officer, fucking act like it!”

Kaidan’s face burned, his gut swooping at the obvious frustration in Shepard’s voice. “…yes, sir,” he mumbled, turning away. “Sorry, sir.”

Shepard sighed audibly, stalking away from him toward the ramp at the other end of the garage. Liara laid a gentle hand on Kaidan’s shoulder plate, lingering for a moment before following after the commander. Kaidan took a moment to breathe before doing the same, quiet with his head bowed.

* * *

Matriarch Benezia was beautiful and terrifying. Kaidan struggled to see the resemblance between her and her daughter, save for their eyes. Not that he’d gotten too good a look at them, pinned down under cover as he, Shepard, and Liara were all fired upon by Asari commandos and geth. They managed to pick them off slowly, exercising patience as wave after wave assaulted them and ran their ammo nearly dry. Well, as much patience as could be expected with John Shepard in charge.

“If this goes on much longer, we’re fucked,” Shepard snapped, frustrated. “When do they end?!”

“We can do this,” Liara said firmly, throwing a group of geth through the air and cracking open their plating on the far wall. “Just keep fighting!” With that she grit her teeth, getting to her feet and planting them in a wide stance. She lifted her arms, taking in a sharp breath through her noise, before releasing a burst of biotic energy with a shout of exertion. All of the Asari commandos in her path were stunned, the massive Reave arresting their bodies and keeping them in place.

Kaidan scrambled to his feet to take advantage of the opening, sending the unaffected geth skidding backward with the heaviest kick he could manage. Several of them fractured against the walls and railings lining the room, while others lost their footing long enough that they were easily picked off alongside the commandos. Liara couldn’t hold them forever, though, and as soon as they had control of their bodies again one of the commandos stuck a bullet in Kaidan’s bicep.

“Shit!” he hissed, getting her back with a hole in the forehead.

“You hit?” Shepard asked sharply in his ear, his eyes forward as he continued to lay heat on the commandos.

Kaidan grunted through grit teeth, briefly bending his arm to test it and finding no worrying pain. Bullet had likely not broken the skin, slowed by his armor. “Think I’m good. Let’s go, before the matriarch calls for back up.”

They both looked up as Liara stormed between them, her expression thunderous as she approached the center platform where Benezia had overseen the battle. “Mother!” she called, her voice echoing around them.

Kaidan glanced at Shepard, and they both hurried after her, jogging to catch up with her powerful stride. They ascended the steps to the platform, weapons at ready, but Benezia did not attack. She turned to face them, her expression odd, a mixture between cold and confused, her eyes hazy. Her skin was a pale and sickly aqua, contrasting sharply with Liara’s warm hue, and her eyes and lips were smeared with black. Beautiful and terrifying. Kaidan wondered what she had been like when Liara was small, what memories were coming to the surface of Liara’s mind as she glared.

“This is not over,” Benezia declared, advancing slowly. Liara’s fists clenched. “Saren is unstoppable. I am filled with his light. Everything is clear.”

“The rachni didn’t cooperate with you, so why should I?” Shepard snorted, and it was then that Kaidan noticed the large tank behind Benezia, housing what could only be the rachni queen. Was she aware that they had slaughtered her children on the floors below, Kaidan wondered? Would she care? It was difficult to imagine that something with no face to read and no voice to hear could care for anything.

Benezia didn’t answer, instead pressing a palm to her forehead, mumbling to herself for a moment. “I will not betray him,” she said shakily, her hands curling into fists. “You…I…” She lowered her hands, which trembled now, and her eyes immediately found Liara’s. “I do not have much time, you must listen. Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight him, but only briefly. The indoctrination is strong.”

“Indoctrination,” Kaidan murmured. “Shiala used that word. Benezia’s mind isn’t her own. She’s being controlled by Saren.”

“Mother,” Liara breathed, her hard expression melting away. “Let us help you. Please.”

“There is no time, love, you must listen. I was sent by Saren to this facility to find the location of the Mu Relay,” Benezia told them insistently, her face pinching inward as if holding onto her control was causing her pain.

“Why does Saren want to find the relay?” Shepard asked, speaking quickly as he tried to take advantage of the little time they had.

“Shepard, please,” Liara begged, watching her mother with wide, worried eyes. “We should bring her back to the Normandy, and question her there. Where it is safe.”

“Saren believes that it will lead him to the conduit,” Benezia interrupted, grimacing and holding her fingers to one of her temples.

“I keep hearing about this conduit, does anyone know what it actually is?” Shepard snapped.

Benezia shook her head slowly, eyes closed briefly. “I am sorry. I would tell you more, but I was not privy to such information. Only that Saren believes it to be key to the return of the Reapers. I was merely used as a tool.” She glanced over her shoulder, her expression grim. “I took the location of the relay from the rachni queen’s mind. I…was not gentle.”

“Come with us,” Liara insisted, taking a step toward her and offering her hand. “Come with us, and give us the information, and you can make it right.”

Benezia did not take the offered hand, her expression softening into melancholy as her eyes mapped Liara’s face. Like she was trying to memorize it. “I was not myself. But I should have been stronger.” She turned, plucking an OSD from the console top behind her before offering it to Liara. “I transcribed the information onto this OSD. Please take it.”

Shepard ran his tongue across his teeth agitatedly, and Kaidan could tell he was getting tense. None of them knew when Benezia would turn on them, or when reinforcements would arrive. “Just knowing the location of the relay isn’t enough. Where did he plan to go from there?”

“He would not tell me,” Benezia said, her voice becoming increasingly strained. “But you must find out quickly. I t-transferred the coordinates to him before you arrived.”

“Mother,” Liara murmured, reaching for her again. Kaidan took her arm, keeping her from getting too close. “Mother,” Liara repeated, more insistent.

“I can’t,” Benezia groaned, putting her head in her hands and frowning deeply. “Nngh. You m-must stop me, I can’t…can’t fight it. You must-”

“Mother!” Liara cried, her eyes visibly shining with tears. “Mother, don’t leave! Fight him!”

Benezia lifted her eyes to Liara’s face once more, a sad smile lifting the corner of her mouth. “You have always made me proud, Liara.”

With the last word her soft expression hardened, and her arm swept out in an arc, sending a wave of biotic energy colliding with their chests. They managed to keep their footing, stumbling a few steps before diving for cover. Liara ducked behind a pillar, tears shining on her cheeks but her brow set firmly.

Kaidan prepared himself for a fight, his gut twisted with anxiety and sorrow on Liara’s behalf. Benezia was clearly weakened, though, going down with only a couple of shots. At a glance, Kaidan could see that it was Liara that had fired, her pistol held tightly in her hands and drying tears still on her face.

Benezia slumped against the wall and sank to the ground, clutching the wound to her torso as blood spilled over her fingers. Liara ran for her, kneeling and resting a hand on her shoulder. “We have medigel,” she said shakily, patting around her armor as she tried to locate her canister. “We can-”

“No,” Benezia sighed wistfully, managing a weak smile even as she bled onto the floor. “He is still in my mind. I am not myself. I never will be again.” Liara shook her head fiercely, opening her mouth to speak. She was silenced as Benezia lifted her clean hand to cup her cheek, rubbing gently underneath her eye with a thumb. “Be careful, love. W-whatever this life brings to you.”

“Mother,” Liara croaked, clutching her hand tightly.

“Goodnight, Little Wing.”

Benezia’s eyes slid closed, and Liara choked weakly, reaching to catch her before she could slump to the ground. She steadied her, sobbing quietly as fresh tears spilled down her cheeks and her mother’s hand slipped away from her face.

Kaidan swallowed the lump in his throat, looking away to give her a moment. He felt like he and Shepard should leave the chamber, give her time, so he reached to gently touch the commander’s hand. John glanced at him, jaw set and his brow set low. He nodded quietly, following Kaidan just outside the door. Liara’s sobs intensified as soon as they were gone, echoing gently.

* * *

How some of the most important decisions in the galaxy managed to fall on John Shepard’s shoulders, Kaidan would never understand. One of the biggest, so far, being the fate of the rachni. His decision to release the queen and allow her to return to her people was…well, Kaidan’s immediate response would be ‘fucking stupid’. And certainly not one he had expected from John. But the commander had showed mercy, and Kaidan couldn’t fault him that. He wasn’t sure he would have been so kind had he been in his place.

Shepard had also taken it upon himself to ensure that Benezia’s body was retrieved and delivered to the matriarchs so that she may have a proper service. Liara had declined the offer to travel back to Thessia in order to attend the funeral, stating that she could best honor her mother’s memory by ensuring that her suffering was not in vain. Kaidan had offered to keep her company, as had John, but she had denied them both and insisted that she needed some time on her own to think.

It was as Kaidan was shuffling away from her quarters that he was snatched in the dark, a hand closing around his wrist and tugging him into Commander Shepard’s quarters. He only had a moment to calm his instant panic response before he was pinned against the wall inside the dark cabin, and hot lips were on his, rough hands underneath his shirt. He hummed quietly, sliding his own palms over Shepard’s shoulder blades as he kissed him back, hard and eager. He tasted a bit like whiskey, like he’d had a shot or two after the mission. Kaidan couldn’t really blame him.

For some reason, Kaidan’s mind came back to him just as Shepard was fumbling with his zipper. The coldness, the pushing away, the ‘I’m your commanding officer, so fucking act like it,’ and Kaidan turned his head away to abruptly break the kiss. “Shepard, stop.”

John’s hands and lips froze in an instant, and he pulled back, his eyes feverish in the dark. Kaidan could see the faint outline of his lips, already swollen and parted as he caught his breath. “What’s wrong?” Shepard asked, soft and low.

Kaidan searched his eyes, trying to decide if he was actually that dense, and scoffed before nudging him away. “I’m getting whiplash here, Shepard.”

“You’re gonna need to elaborate,” Shepard drawled, watching as Kaidan crossed the room to put some distance between them. Room enough to think.

“Are you serious?” Silence. “You’ve been so…I don’t know. Shepard, I gotta know where we stand, here,” Kaidan practically begged, running his fingers through his own hair. “You’re too back and forth. One minute I’m Kaidan, the next I’m Lieutenant. One minute you’re John, and the next…I don’t know.”

Shepard watched him calculatingly for a long moment, silent and stock still save for his eyes sweeping over every detail of Kaidan. Kaidan didn’t move, just letting him look until he found what he was searching for.

“I’m afraid,” Shepard said eventually, his voice quiet but clear. “I’m afraid of…you. Of this. Of us.”

“Why? Because we could get caught?”

“I’m your commanding officer,” Shepard said, and Kaidan flinched, so he backtracked. “I mean that I feel…as if I’m taking advantage of you. I have an authority over you that I acknowledge, and I respect, and I…I don’t want that to ever muddy things. And I’m afraid it already has, Kaidan. You keep…in the field, we can’t…”

Kaidan grimaced, looking away. “I know. I know that. I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” Shepard insisted, earnest in a way Kaidan had never heard him. “We…well, maybe we need to work on it.”

Kaidan paused, glancing up at him once more. “You…you wanna work on it? You don’t wanna…”

“What, quit you? Shit, Kaidan,” Shepard snorted, approaching him slowly, reaching to tuck a curl behind Kaidan’s ear. His heat enveloped Kaidan as their chests gently connected. “I couldn’t if I tried.”

Kaidan swallowed, trying to keep his head as his throat went dry. “You’ve been pushing me away.”

“I know,” Shepard murmured. “I’m sorry. I’m gonna stop. It’ll be hard, but…”

Kaidan let out a long breath through his nose, reaching to rest his hands on either side of John’s neck. He could feel the commander’s pulse beating underneath his fingers, faster than usual. “With everything that’s happening…it just feels so odd. Like we didn’t do this right. Like we missed a step.”

Shepard stepped a little closer, brushing stray curls out of Kaidan’s eyes. “I don’t know what I can give you, right now,” he said slowly, carefully choosing his words. “But after all of this is over, with Saren, and everything…I wanna see if we can figure out what step we missed. And maybe do it right. Until then…”

“Until then,” Kaidan sighed, before wrapping his arms around the commander’s neck, tugging him down on the bed and letting the sentence quietly die where their lips met.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan had an odd feeling as he sat in the cargo bay, playing a distracting game of cards with Ash and awaiting their descent onto Virmire. The council had informed Shepard that a salarian research team was sent to the planet to gather information about Saren, and that recently attempts at contact had been met with either garbled transmissions or radio silence. They had insisted that Shepard investigate with his crew, fearing that the team may be in danger.

Kaidan had an odd feeling.

“Lighten up, LT,” Ash murmured, smiling at him across the table. “You’ve got a little black raincloud over your head.”

Kaidan laughed quietly, leaning back in his chair. “Sorry. Just thinking. Worrying.”

“As usual.” Ashley set down her cards, so Kaidan did, too. They hadn’t played a hand in several minutes, anyway. “You seen Shepard?”

“Not since the order came through,” Kaidan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “He’s been holed up. You know how he is.”

Ashley nodded, running her fingers through her hair. She had it down for once, the strands thick between her fingers. “Ugh, I can’t be down here anymore. Let’s go to the commons. Maybe there’s still beer from the last supply run.”

“You read my mind, Williams.”

It was several hours before they finally got the call to gear up, and made their way up to the cockpit as Joker began the descent. Shepard was already there, in full armor and hovering behind Joker with his arms folded across his chest.

“I’m getting a signal, Commander. Must be the recon team,” Joker announced.

Kaidan came to lean on the co-pilot’s chair, frowning at Joker’s radar. “Damn. Look at those defense towers.”

Joker snorted. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem. I can’t get in close with those AA guns on my ass.”

“Drop the Mako,” Shepard instructed, eyes sharp as he surveyed the screen. “We’ll go in hot and take them out.”

“Aye, sir, standing by.”

Shepard spun on his heel, nodding for Ash and Kaidan to follow him. “Come on.”

They three of them rode the lift down to the cargo bay, silent for the most part. Kaidan rocked a little on the balls of his feet, always a little jumpy before a mission. He noticed Shepard glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, and tried to stop. “Sorry. Jittery.”

Shepard didn’t answer, but the corner of his mouth lifted and he reached to take Kaidan’s hand, squeezing gently. Kaidan felt the buzzing energy subside a bit, and carefully squeezed back. _Thanks_.

They exited the lift and crawled into the Mako, rolling her slowly into position to be dropped. Once Shepard notified Joker that they were ready, the drop hatch opened and the vehicle fell from the Normandy’s belly, skidding to a halt in the shallow waters on Virmire’s surface. They wasted no time, making their way toward the first AA tower so Joker could land.

Kaidan peered out at their surroundings, taking in the mountains, lush greenery, and sparkling beaches. “It’s beautiful.”

Shepard smiled just a bit, though his eyes were keen as they advanced, the Mako’s gun at the ready. “Maybe we’ll come back when it’s not full of geth.”

Kaidan grinned, ignoring Ashley groaning behind him. “Aw. You gonna take me on vacation, commander?”

Shepard smirked a little wider. “You’re distracting me, Alenko, keep it in your pants.”

Kaidan snickered and sat back, unable to help the grin even when Ashley shook her head at him. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” he drawled, nudging her when she just giggled.

It only took a minute of driving for them to stumble upon enemies, geth machines with long limbs to keep their circuitry out of the water. The way they moved reminded Kaidan of a giant, rigid spider, and he definitely did not shiver. Not even a little bit.

Shepard took the machines out easily, keeping his distance when he could and maneuvering the Mako’s gun and missile launcher with ease. Kaidan and Ashley just grimaced and held on for dear life, Shepard’s driving made even more erratic by the water and the slimy surface beneath it sending them into frequent skids. They approached the first AA tower, a concrete structure suspended between two rock formations. They slid to a halt, already under fire before they could even fully climb out of the Mako. Geth troopers had apparently stationed on the tower, and Shepard instructed Kaidan and Ashley to stay close to the rocks as they approached the stairway.

The troopers were tough, but there were only a few, so the fight to get to the AA controls themselves was short. Kaidan worked swiftly to deactivate the system, powering it down with a satisfied grin.

“Nice,” Ashley smirked. “Let’s get the next one.”

* * *

“Commander. Normandy’s touched down at the base, but it looks like we’re grounded.”

“Grounded? On whose authority?” Shepard asked sharply, frowning as he brought the Normandy to the recon team’s location.

“The Salarian captain can explain when you get here,” Joker sighed.

Shepard pursed his lips as Joker disconnected, shaking his head. “Yeah, they’d better,” he muttered to himself.

“Don’t get pissed off just yet,” Kaidan soothed. “Might be a misunderstanding.”

“You’re not seriously telling _Shepard_ not to get pissed off, are you?” Ashley teased, smirking at Shepard’s soft snort. Kaidan just shook his head, letting Ashley have this one if it lightened the mood a bit. Everyone was on age, one could feel it in the air.

They approached the recon team’s base, finding the Normandy landed a ways off and what looked like half the crew scattered on the beach. Garrus and Wrex were speaking with one of the salarians, and Kaidan and Ash stuck close as Shepard approached.

“Are you in charge, here?” Shepard asked, coming to a stop and folding his arms. “What’s the situation?”

“Captain Kirrahe,” the salarian introduced himself. “Third Infiltration Regiment STG. You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hotzone. You’ll need to stay put until the council sends the reinforcements my team requested.”

“Uh, yeah. That’s us,” Shepard snorted.

Kirrahe stared at him, blinking hard. “What? I asked them for a fleet!”

“Well, even if it was likely the council would ever send a fleet anywhere,” Shepard drawled, “We couldn’t understand your transmission. It was garbled. They sent us to investigate.”

Kirrahe gave a sharp sigh, rubbing the side of his face agitatedly. “That’s exactly what we were doing, investigating. I lost half my men _investigating_ here.”

“Have you found anything?” Kaidan asked, frowning.

“Yes. Saren’s base of operations,” Kirrahe informed them. “He’s set up some sort of research facility here, but it’s well-guarded by geth.”

“How can you be sure it’s his?”

“The geth are an indicator,” Kirrahe responded, a bit dryly. “Aside from that, we’ve intercepted comms referring to Saren. This is undoubtedly his base.”

“Must be my fucking birthday,” Shepard snorted.

“A research facility,” Ashley mused. “First the genetics labs, now this. What the hell is he up to?”

“Apparently, he’s using it to breed an army of krogan.”

Kaidan’s gut sank, and he grimaced as Wrex’s posture stiffened. “What?” Wrex snapped, his eyes flashing. “That isn’t possible.”

Kirrahe eyed him, clearly wary and resisting the urge to take a step back. “Apparently,” he said slowly, “Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage.”

“What’s that?” Ashley asked, frowning deeply. “What’s the genophage? A disease?”

“It was the solution to the ‘krogan problem,’” Wrex drawled, eyes still trained on Kirrahe’s face. “The salarians infected us with it, to ensure our kind couldn’t have children.”

“To quell their numbers,” Kirrahe corrected crisply. “Without it, the krogan would overrun the galaxy. And these krogan follow Saren.”

Shepard sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his neck. “A krogan army. He’d be almost unstoppable.” Kaidan fidgeted as he watched Wrex’s eyes flick to Shepard, instead.

“Exactly my thoughts,” Kirrahe agreed. “We must nip this problem in the bud, destroy this facility and all of it’s secrets.”

“I don’t think so,” Wrex interjected, squaring his shoulders. “My people are dying. This cure could save them.”

Kirrahe lifted his chin. “If that cure leaves this facility, the krogan will become unstoppable. We cannot make the same mistake again.”

Wrex growled, jabbing a finger into Kirrahe’s chest and causing him to stumble a step. “We are not a mistake!” he snapped, before stalking off down the beach, fists tightly clenched.

“He looks pissed,” Ashley murmured, clearly uneasy as she watched Wrex like a hawk.

“Wouldn’t you be?” Kaidan whispered back.

Kirrahe regained his footing, watching Wrex’s retreating back with a disdainful tilt to his mouth. “Is he going to be a problem?” he asked Shepard with a heavy sigh.

“No,” Shepard said firmly, giving Kirrahe a similarly distasteful look. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Good. While you do that, I will speak with my men. We need to rethink our plan of attack.”

Shepard passed a palm over his mouth as Kirrahe walked away, turning to look at Kaidan and Ashley with a meaningful expression.

“Yep,” Kaidan agreed. “Shit’s a mess.”

“I should probably go talk to Wrex,” Shepard muttered, his sentence punctuated by the sound of a gunshot. They all looked over their shoulders, grimacing when they saw the pissed off krogan himself, aiming his shotgun across the water and shooting at nothing with hard eyes. “…hm.”

“You should,” Ashley reassured him, though she peered over his shoulder tensely. “Just…do it carefully. We’ll be ready, just in case.”

“It’ll be fine,” Shepard said, expression hardening. “I can handle him.”

Kaidan clapped his shoulder plate. “Wrex has been a reasonable guy so far. Just be reasonable, yourself.”

Shepard nodded, taking a breath through his nose before marching down the beach.

“He’s fucked,” Ashley snorted.

“Stop,” Kaidan huffed, lifting his eyes to the ceiling. “Wrex isn’t a wild animal. It’ll be fine.”

“Krogan aren’t known for their patience, LT.”

They watched tensely as Shepard and Wrex spoke, starting out quiet and slowly increasing volume. Shepard, for his part, seemed to be remaining mostly calm. Wrex was growing visibly agitated, advancing on Shepard with heavy steps. Ashley gasped when Wrex pulled his shotgun and pointed it straight at Shepard, who put a hand on his own weapon. Neither fired, though, and Kaidan held onto Ashley’s arm when she reached for her pistol.

“Wait,” he urged, eyes trained on Shepard. “Just wait.”

A few more moments of tension, and Wrex slowly lowered his shotgun, Shepard following suit. He seemed to relax, though he still glared at Shepard suspiciously as he walked away.

“Shit, commander,” Ashley huffed, giving Shepard a look. “I thought he was gonna blow your head off.”

“Nah,” Shepard said casually, shrugging one shoulder. “Come on, let’s go resupply and speak to Kirrahe. I wanna get that facility shut down as quickly as possible.”

“Yes, sir.”

They approached Kirrahe on the far side of the beach where he spoke to a couple of his men, stroking his chin with a concentrated frown. He perked up as the three of them approached, turning toward them and clasping his hands behind his back. “Commander Shepard. I believe we may have a plan of action.”

“That makes one of us,” Shepard drawled. “Let’s hear it.”

“We’ve determined that we can convert our ship’s drive system into a 20 kiloton bomb.”

“Shit,” Shepard breathed, eyebrows raising.

“We drop that from orbit, the place is toast,” Ashley grinned, maybe a little too excited.

Kirrahe grimaced, shaking his head. “Unfortunately, the facility is far too well-fortified. We’ll need to plant the bomb at a precise location inside of the facility itself. You and your team will be taking it to be planted, on the far side of the compound.”

“That easy, huh?”

Kirrahe smirked a bit. “It never is. We will need to infiltrate first, take out AA guns and hostiles so that your ship can land and place the nuke.”

“On foot?” Kaidan asked, staring at Kirrahe. “We don’t have enough people for a ground force.”

Shepard glanced at him, frowning thoughtfully as he chewed the inside of his lip. “It does sound risky,” he admitted, sighing heavily. “Is there no other way, Captain?”

“Unfortunately, no. But I believe we can work around the lack of numbers,” Kirrahe told him. “I will divide my people into three teams and hit the front of the facility. You will lead a ‘shadow’ team, and sneak in the back while we have them distracted.”

Shepard blinked once, hard. “You’ll be slaughtered.”

The captain didn’t appear to be fazed. “We’re tougher than we look. Though it’s true, many of us will likely not make it out of this alive. But it is imperative that we complete the objective.” He took a breath. “That makes what I’m going to ask even more difficult.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Shepard snorted, crossing his arms.

“I need one of your people to accompany me, to help coordinate the teams,” the captain explained. Kaidan could at least appreciate that the man didn’t beat around the bush.

Shepard’s expression hardened. “That’s a bold request.”

“I’ll do it, commander,” Kaidan piped up, not backing down when Shepard’s eyes flashed at him.

“Shepard will need you to arm the nuke,” Ashley argued. “I’ll go with Kirrahe’s team.”

“It’s not your place to decide,” Kaidan huffed, frowning at her.

“Yeah, glad we all remember who’s in charge,” Shepard snapped sarcastically. “Can it, both of you, and let me think.” He sighed heavily, rubbing at his forehead with the heel of his palm. After a few silent moments he lowered his hand again, eyes sharp. “Williams, you go with Kirrahe. I’ll take Alenko with me to arm the nuke.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Ashley nodded, saluting briefly.

“Excellent,” Kirrahe nodded, straightening. “Well, if that’s settled, I need to prepare my men. I will have the ordnance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew.”

“Thank you,” Shepard murmured, turning to face Ashley and Kaidan as the captain walked away.

“Well,” Ashley sighed, “This is it.”

“Jesus, don’t say it like that,” Kaidan scoffed, nudging her. “It’s just one mission. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“I know,” Ashley nodded, though she looked a little edgy. “I know that. It’s just…weird. I’ve gotten attached to you idiots.”

“Aw,” Kaidan smirked. “Is this a love confession, Ash? D’you need a hug?”

“Gross,” Ashley deadpanned.

“No need to get teary eyed, Williams,” Shepard grinned, patting her back firmly. “We’ll see you on the other side.”

“Yeah,” Ashley said, more confidently, her back straightening. “See you on the other side.”

* * *

The base was, as Shepard eloquently put it, a clusterfuck.

Despite the fact that they were going in the back of the research facility, Shepard, Kaidan, and Tali had been in nearly constant firefights. Kaidan knew he shouldn’t complain. Based on what he could hear over the comms, Ash and Kirrahe’s squad had it way worse. The vein in Shepard’s forehead was pronounced, his jaw clenched; he clearly hated letting the captain have Ashley as much as Kaidan did, and only grew more tense as updates came in. Kaidan had hoped to take Ashley’s place, put himself on the front line because someone had to be there, but Shepard’s call had probably been the right one. No going back now, anyway.

The three of them had almost made it to the bomb site, roughed up and tired but not out of bullets, spurred on by pure adrenaline. They rested as they took a lift up a level, trying to make their way out of the depths of the facility and back toward sunlight. Tali leaned against the wall, wiping spatters of blood from her visor with the back of her hand - they’d had a run-in with the beginnings of Saren’s krogan army. “Keelah, this place is crawling.”

“We’re almost there,” Shepard told her firmly, clasping her shoulder and jostling her a bit. “We’ve got this.”

Tali reached and patted his helmet, causing him to smile wearily. “So serious,” she teased. “Of course we have this. I’m just going to need a long, long nap when we get back to the ship.”

“You and me both,” Kaidan snorted, rolling his neck and grunting when a couple places popped noisily. “Let’s get this over with.”

The lift doors parted, and Shepard checked their corners before waving for them to follow him out. They emerged into a dark room, bare except for rectangular windows spanning the tops of the walls a long catwalk that led to the center of the room. Before it sat what appeared to be a Prothean beacon, quite similar to the one they had seen on Eden Prime.

“The hell?” Kaidan frowned, cocking his head. “What’s that doing here?”

“Don’t know,” Shepard murmured, marching straight toward it.

“Hey!” Kaidan hissed, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him to a halt. “You crazy? Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

“It could have another message,” Shepard told him firmly. “I have the cipher now, it might not be as bad. Even if it is, if the beacon has information, I need to get it.”

Kaidan chewed his lip, letting his hand slip from Shepard’s shoulder. “Yeah. I know. Just…just be careful, okay?”

Shepard smiled lopsidedly, resting his palm affectionately on the top of Kaidan’s helmet, before slowly approaching the beacon. As soon as he got close, it began tugging him, just like the other. Shepard didn’t fight, moving with the pull until he was lifted into the air, suspended and grunting in pain. It didn’t seem as bad, Kaidan noted anxiously. His eyes were open, and he wasn’t shaking or making those awful wounded animal sounds he’d made before.

Finally, John was released, collapsing to the ground and catching himself on his hands and knees. He panted heavily, but otherwise seemed alright, able to push himself to his feet and wipe the bit of sweat from his forehead.

“John,” Kaidan breathed, hurrying to check on him. “You good? What happened?”

Shepard opened his mouth, but paused to look up in surprise. Kaidan followed his gaze, his lips parting when he saw what looked like a projection, a red cluster of light in the form of…something he’d never seen before. Some sort of insect, maybe? It looked almost like an Earth cockroach, but more…wrong. If the appearance wasn’t unnerving enough, Kaidan was officially creeped out when the thing spoke, it’s voice a low growl with a mechanical undertone that sent a shiver down his spine.

“You are not Saren,” it intoned.

“What is that?” Tali gasped, staring. “Some sort of VI interface?”

“Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh,” the projection sneered. “You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.”

“…hm. Maybe not,” Tali muttered.

“There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own that you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.”

“Sovereign. Like…Saren’s Reaper ship? I’m talking to a ship?” Shepard snorted, putting his hands on his hips.

“No,” Kaidan breathed. “It’s not a Reaper ship. It’s…a Reaper.”

“Reaper,” Sovereign scoffed. “A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they call us is irrelevant. We simply are.”

Tali shook her head, stepping closer where Kaidan felt like taking several steps back. Maybe out of the room altogether, because _fuck this_. “The Protheans disappeared over 50,000 years ago,” she insisted. “You couldn’t have been there, it’s impossible!”

“Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in mere years and decades. You wither and die, where we are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.”

Shepard snorted, jutting out his chin. “The end of everything, huh? There’s an entire galaxy of races ready to tell you to get fucked.”

Sovereign had no face, but the disdain could be felt, even through a projection. “Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, we extinguish them.”

“Why?” Shepard asked, a bit of his bravado giving way to confusion and dawning horror.

“The Protheans were not the first,” Sovereign told him. “They did not create the Citadel, or the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind.”

“Why would you construct the mass relays and leave them for someone else to find?” Shepard pressed, clenching and releasing his fists.

“Your civilization is based upon their technology, our technology.By allowing you it’s use, your society develops along the paths we desire.” Sovereigns voice reverberated on the walls, and Kaidan could feel it inside of his chest. Like it was everywhere and everything. “We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.”

“They’re…harvesting us. Harvesting our advancements, our technology,” Tali breathed, finally stepping back and away.

“Are you the last of your kind?” Shepard asked sharply, eyes still trained and narrowed on Sovereign even as he stepped protectively in front of Tali.

Sovereign was silent for a moment. “We are legion,” he declared. “The time of our return is coming, and our numbers will blacken the sky of every world. There is no escape.”

Shepard smirked, humorless and with eyes alight with defiant anger. Kaidan had to resist the urge to drag him back as he advanced Sovereign’s projection threateningly. “You’re not even alive,” Shepard sneered. “You’re a machine. And machines can be broken.”

“You words are as empty as your future,” Sovereign growled. “I am the vanguard of your destruction.”

John squared his shoulders, cocking his head to one side and baring his teeth in a snarl. “Try me.”

The projection faded to black, leaving them alone in the room once more. A moment later, the windows on all the walls shattered, glass flying into the facility and tinkling against their armor. “What the hell was that?” Kaidan gasped.

Shepard frowned, pressing his finger to his comm for a moment. “Shit. Joker says that Sovereign is headed this way.”

“Sovereign’s here?!”

“Apparently,” Shepard drawled, spinning on his heel and breaking into a jog. “Let’s move, people, up to the bomb site!”

They took off out of the room with renewed energy, following of the navpoint Kirrahe had sent them. Kaidan kept on John’s heels, his teeth clenched as the bad feeling he’d had since the mission began intensified. Something was going to go wrong. He wasn’t sure what, or how, but something was going to go wrong.

* * *

Kaidan really, really hated being right sometimes.

The bomb was planted, and they were just beginning to prep it when Ash had called on comms, breathing hard and shouting over gunfire. She and Kirrahe’s team were pinned down on the facility’s AA tower, overrun by geth. They weren’t going to be able to make it to the rendezvous point, they were being slaughtered.

“Go get them,” Kaidan had insisted, voice firm. “We still need some time here to arm the nuke. Just meet me back here.”

Shepard had stared at him hard for a long moment, then nodded and knocked his helmet against Kaidan’s, maybe a little hard or maybe not hard enough. Kaidan wished there hadn’t been so much distance. “I’ll be back,” Shepard had murmured. “I promise. I’m coming right back.”

“I know,” Kaidan had smiled. “Go.”

Now Kaidan was one of the last men standing at the bomb site, the others killed by a surprise geth swarm. He and a couple others were pinned down, exhausted and running out of ammo. His comm went off in his ear, and he hesitated before answering.

“Kaidan, I just spotted a geth drop ship headed to your location, what’s your situation?” Shepard asked, his voice tense.

“It’s already here,” Kaidan told him, strained as he tried to save what was left of his energy, forgoing biotics in favor of bullets. “We’re getting our asses handed to us.”

“Can you hold them off?”

Kaidan grit his teeth, his gut sinking as another man went down, and then another. “There’s too many,” he decided. “I don’t think we can hold them. I’m activating the nuke.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard snapped. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“I have to, the nuke has to go off no matter what!” Kaidan slammed his fist on the activation key on his omni tool, ducking behind the nuke to take cover from fire for a moment. He was one of three people left standing. “It’s done. Go get Williams.”

“Belay that,” Ashley snarled. “We can handle ourselves a little longer, go back and get Alenko!”

It was silent for several long moments, and Kaidan’s heart hammered in his chest while he shot at geth and waited for John to make the right decision, to not make the selfish decision.

“Williams, prep for evac. We’re gonna get on the Normandy and swing back around to get Kaidan. We gotta move fast, so get your ass in gear.”

“Yes sir,” she agreed, and Kaidan sighed in relief. Maybe they could do it. Maybe…

Shepard didn’t come. The Normandy didn’t come, or at least not fast enough. Kaidan had climbed to higher ground, keeping an eye on the nuke’s countdown on his omnitool. The relocation hadn’t helped, though, and he was overrun. His arms grew weak and heavy, the two soldiers still with him fell and he was left alone. His heart clenched as he realized he was fucked, backed up against a wall with no way out except to go out fighting.

“Alenko, we’re coming for you!”

Kaidan glanced at the timer on the nuke. Seconds left. He smiled sadly, sinking to just fucking sit down. He dropped his rifle, letting it clatter to the ground. He had a couple of holes in him, and they bled onto the concrete, but the relief of just being able to stop was enough that he didn’t notice the pain. He closed his eyes, conjuring up an image of Shepard’s cabin in the middle of the night, scarred fingers in his hair and warm lips on his. Something that almost was, but didn’t quite get to be.

“John. I’m sorry.”

“Kaidan just hold on, just _fucking_ -”

The last things Kaidan knew were blistering heat, sharp pain, harsh wind, and John’s voice screaming in his ear.

 

**END PART ONE**


	11. Chapter 11

**INTERLUDE**

**2166 CE**

_“Kaidan Michael Alenko!”_

Kaidan put his hands up, his mouth a perfect ‘o’ as he stared at the busted lamp, shattered in pieces all over the floor. “I didn’t mean it,” he insisted, trying to give his mother his best puppy dog eyes and failing. He was fifteen, that didn’t really work anymore. “I just got excited and it just happened, I wasn’t doing it in the house, I swear.”

His mother sighed heavily, crossing her arms and resting her weight on one foot. “Kaidan, these accidents have been happening too often. You’re starting to get out of control.”

Kaidan grimaced, dropping his hands heavily to his sides. “I’m trying to control it,” he said more softly. “It’s just…hard.”

He and his mother stood at opposite ends of the room for a long moment, the shattered lamp between them, before she sighed heavily and crossed the distance in three long strides. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tightly, her perfume sending him rocketing back to his childhood. Not that he wasn’t still a child. “I know,” she murmured against his hair. “We’ll figure it out, honey.”

Kaidan nodded, clenching his eyes shut and clinging desperately to her shirt. They would figure it out.

* * *

**2167 CE**

“The doctor says that they’re much more advanced than the L1’s,” Kaidan’s mother explained, smiling reassuringly at Kaidan and his father over dinner. “They’re still in the early stages, but they’re confident that the L2 implant is completely safe.”

Kaidan’s dad let out a breath through his nose, working his jaw to the side. “I don’t know.”

“Well, it’s either that or it stays the way it is. Breaking things, accidentally chucking things across the room. He’d be better off, don’t you think?”

Kaidan pursed his lips, slumping down in his chair and listening to them speak about him as if he isn’t there. Finally he had enough and spoke up. “I want it.”

They both paused, raising their eyebrows at him. “Kaidan-” his dad began, grimacing.

“I want it,” Kaidan repeated, meeting his eyes with a level expression. “If they’re gonna help, then I want the implants. Anything’s better than…being out of control. I hate it.”

His parents looked at each other for a long moment. After a stretch of silence his father’s shoulders deflated and he nodded slowly. “Alright, kid. We’ll go talk to the doctor next week, eh?”

Kaidan smiled, sitting up a bit farther in his chair. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

* * *

**2167 CE**

“I know, you said that the symptoms would lessen over time, but it’s been weeks, and my son is crippled and in horrible pain! Oh, don’t tell me he’s _lucky_ -”

Kaidan groaned, clamping his pillow over his ears so he wouldn’t have to hear his mother on the phone to the doctors, outside of his door and thinking he couldn’t hear. His skull felt like it was splitting, he couldn’t see even if the room wasn’t pitch black, his cheeks were stained with tears and his entire body was covered in a sheen of sweat.

Complications from the L2 implants were apparently common, so common it was all over the damn news. Brain lesions, abnormal cell growth, complete changes in personality or mannerisms that rendered the recipient an entirely different person. For Kaidan, it was migraines, one of the more minor symptoms reported. He was lucky, as the doctor said.

“Take it out, take it out, _take it out_!” he’d begged, screaming and sobbing and ignoring everyone that told him they couldn’t without possibly hurting him more, or killing him. “TAKE IT OUT, TAKE IT OUT!”

Lucky, his mind echoed, as he burst into a fresh wave of exhausted, pain-stricken tears, squeezing his head in his hands. Like he was trying to keep it from falling apart.

* * *

**2167 CE**

Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training - BAaT. Kaidan flipped through the brochures so many times he could recite them by heart, his mind racing with excitement at the possibilities. He could learn to control his biotics, learn how to do good with them rather than wreak havoc. He could meet other people like him, people that wouldn’t look at him like he was a freak about to blow. He could be…fucking _normal_.

* * *

**2168 CE**

Kaidan twisted the single flower in between his fingers, watching Rahna sitting with her friends and charming them all, as usual. He wished he could be like that. Wished he knew how she made friends so easily, or at all.

He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders, before marching up to her with the flower in his fist. He came to a halt, his mind going blank when she peered up at him, her dark eyes warm and her smile soft and sweet. “…Kaidan?” she asked after a while, tilting her head at him as he just stared. Her friends giggled and she frowned at them.

Kaidan came back to himself, thrusting the flower into her face. “I. Uh. I saw this, and thought of you. Because, it’s…pretty.”

Rahna blinked, her cheeks darkening a little, and she smiled widely as she accepted the gift. “That’s so nice, Kaidan. Thank you.”

“Yeah.” He spun on his heel and fled, his heart pounding and a wide grin on his face.

Later that evening, the pair took a walk around the BAaT compound, Kaidan with his hands shoved into his pockets and Rahna with her eyes shyly on the ground. He kissed her, very briefly, almost too quickly to really count, and was red as a tomato when she smiled and gave him a peck right back.

If he’d known that would be one of the last times she smiled at him, he would’ve taken a moment to appreciate the beauty.

* * *

**2169 CE**

Windows shattered. Books and papers strewn all over the floor. Furniture overturned, some of it splintered into pathetic pieces. Kaidan, sitting and rocking in the center of it all, glowing brightly blue and clutching his head as silent tears soaked his face and wracked his shoulders. He could almost see the blood on his hands, as red as the dust strewn on the floor. The small bag it had been purchased in, flung from the table in the wake of a young murderer’s misery.

* * *

**2172 CE**

The sun sank slowly behind the horizon, coloring English Bay with reds and purples and vibrant yellows. His parents’ balcony had a great view, completely unobstructed and high enough one could see for miles. Kaidan sipped his beer slowly, deliberately, letting the taste sit for a moment. He’d spent so long trying to bury himself, hide his face from the world. He was only just now learning how to see it again, what colors really looked like. What the soft wind drifting over him from the water felt like on his skin. He closed his eyes, inhaling slowly through his nose.

Things had to change, or they would just stay the same. Simple enough words, but his mother had been right. As usual. He’d had his time, done his hiding, and now he needed to either make a move or settle in for the mediocrity.

It wasn’t even a choice, really.

* * *

**2183 CE**

“Are you afraid of dying, John?”

Kaidan didn’t look up, even when he felt John’s eyes. He kept his cheek pressed to the commander’s chest, listening to his heart steadily beat underneath his ribs.

“…a little bit, I suppose,” John eventually murmured, fingertips trailing up and down Kaidan’s spine. John’s voice vibrated inside of him, a comforting rumble against Kaidan’s skin. “Are you?”

Kaidan blinked slowly into the dark, before closing his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered, loud in the silence. “I’m afraid to die.”

* * *

 

**2183 CE**

_“Kaidan Alenko has been recovered. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned.”_


	12. Chapter 12

**TWO YEARS LATER**

Pain.

Pain was the first thing Kaidan was aware of when his mind dragged itself into consciousness, like crawling out of a black pit. He opened his eyes, squinting as the light burned momentarily, and groaning when he shifted and all of his bones creaked like he hadn’t moved in years. It took a moment of confusion for him to realize a woman’s voice had woken him, urgent and echoing from some sort of intercom that he couldn’t see. He pressed his hands into the stiff bed beneath him, pushing himself up to sit and grunting as his stiff joints loosened a bit.

“ _Kaidan. Kaidan, can you hear me? You need to get moving, this facility is under attack_.”

He glanced around, finding himself in some sort of lab, his heart rate instantly increasing at the medical equipment and stark white and chrome surroundings. “What the fuck,” he slurred, rubbing at his forehead and frowning when he felt a bump in the skin that wasn’t there before.

“ _Your scars aren’t healed yet_ ,” the voice told him, and he blinked, looking around for a camera. “ _But I need you to move. Hurry_.”

Kaidan frowned, finally noticing the sounds of gunfire, explosives, and shouting outside of the door. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, getting to his feet and immediately stumbling as his knees gave out. “Fuck,” he hissed, bracing himself on the edge of the mattress.

“ _Walk it off for a moment, and you’ll be fine_ ,” the voice assured him. “ _There’s a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Arm yourself, and get going. I’ll guide you_.”

“Who the hell is that?” Kaidan muttered to himself, glancing around once more for a camera and finding none.

“ _I’ll explain everything later_.” Damn. Apparently she could hear him, too. “ _Someone is hacking the facility’s security and trying to kill you. We need to get you out of here and into a shuttle._ ”

“Where is here?” Kaidan asked, a little louder as he headed toward the exit. “And uh, I’m kind of a sitting duck in these civvies.”

“ _Explain later_ ,” she repeated firmly. “ _There’s an armory down the hall, you can get spare armor there_.”

“Great.”

He checked his corners before exiting the room, his legs still a little shaky but at least supporting him as he walked. Though he was thankful not to be wearing an assless hospital gown, the grey t-shirt and sweatpants didn’t do much more for him by way of protection.

Nothing about the place looked familiar, and he gripped the pistol a little tighter. Where the hell was he? Certainly not an Alliance facility, and it didn’t look like any civilian hospital he’d ever been to, either. He was shaken out of his thoughts by a pair of security mechs rounding the corner, shooting at him the second they noticed him. He swore harshly and ducked into one of the rooms off to the side, gritting his teeth.

He tried conjuring up a biotic field, grunting when pain stabbed at the back of his skull. He could still do it, though, so he stepped back out and sent the mechs flying backward with a heavy kick. He swore harshly when they went down, clutching his amp as it practically pulsated with agony. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“ _Don’t use your biotics unless absolutely necessary,_ ” the woman told him sharply, her voice echoing and certainly not helping matters. “ _Your implant is still acclimating_.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Kaidan asked sharply, glaring up at the ceiling.

“ _There’s no time, keep moving_!”

Kaidan growled quietly, frustrated, but pushed forward nonetheless. He located the armory with the woman’s assistance, retrieving a set of old, scratched up armor from a locker on the far wall. There was an insignia on the breast plate, but he didn’t recognize it. He clipped it all on as quickly as he could, constantly checking the door to ensure he wasn’t being attacked. He had so many questions it was making him dizzy, namely how the hell he got to the facility in the first place, but the need to escape overrode it all. He took a breath, marching back out into the hall and continuing to follow the instructions the woman’s voice called out to him.

The further he got into the facility, the harder she became to understand, however. Almost like their signal was breaking up. “I can’t hear you,” he called, frowning up at the ceiling as suddenly her voice went quiet. “Hello? …fantastic,” he sighed, realizing he was in the depths of the facility with no idea where the fuck he was. Nowhere to go but forward, he supposed.

It appeared that the facility’s security mechs had been hacked, as all of the enemies he encountered were mechanical. He’d seen no humans that weren’t dead, so far. When he heard a man’s voice shouting, he ran toward it, hoping to find someone that knew what the fuck was going on.

He emerged onto a full-on firefight, a team of mechs against one man who was alternating between bullets and biotics, staying in cover as much as possible to avoid getting shot. The man appeared military, with buzzed hair and clad in armor with that same strange emblem. Kaidan could have sworn he’d seen it before, but couldn’t put his finger on where or when.

Kaidan jogged toward the man, sliding to take cover with him behind a stack of metal crates. The man glanced at him, mouth open like he was going to say something, then his dark, large eyes went wide.

“Commander Alenko? Thought you were still cooking.”

“You know about as much as I do. I just woke up,” Kaidan shouted over the din. “And it’s Lieutenant.”

The man snorted, leaning out of cover to take out one of the mechs attacking them. “Oh, right. You wouldn’t know.”

Kaidan stared at him, getting a little pissed off with being confused. “Know what?!”

The man ignored him as they came under heavier fire, and Kaidan huffed, shifting his priorities for the moment. Before he could think, he used his biotics to lift a couple bots into the air, gasping and dropping them almost immediately when sharp pain lanced down his spine.

“Don’t strain yourself,” the man called. “I’ve got the biotics handled, you focus on laying down gunfire.”

The pair of them made quick work of the bots, emerging from cover once they were all down. The man turned toward Kaidan and held out his hand, shaking it firmly. “I’m Jacob. Sorry about the piss poor welcome back to the world.”

“Back to the- alright, wait,” Kaidan snapped, running his fingers through his hair. “What the hell is going on here? What is this?”

“Project Lazarus,” Jacob told him, reloading his gun and heading for the exit as he spoke. Kaidan followed after him quickly. “Our scientists spent the better part of two years bringing you back.”

“Bringing me-” Kaidan paused, a bit of the blood draining from his face. “Virmire. I…died.”

“Technically,” Jacob nodded.

“This doesn’t look like an Alliance facility,” Kaidan frowned. “Why would-”

“It’s not,” Jacbo said, firmly. “Can’t say much more than that. We need to rendezvous with Miranda and get you on an escape shuttle.”

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue, then glanced over his shoulder as an explosion sounded somewhere nearby. “Alright,” he eventually agreed, nodding once. “I’ll follow you, Jacob.”

“This way.”

They hurried through the next door, Kaidan following Jacob down winding halls that all looked the same to him. “Any idea who’s attacking? What they want?”

“No clue,” Jacob snorted, glancing at him briefly. “The mechs are ours. Someone hacked the security mainframe. My guess is it’s an inside job.”

“Shit,” Kaidan snorted.

“Tell me about it.”

“ _Check, check. Anyone still on this frequency? Anyone still alive out there_?”

Jacob glanced down at his omnitool, holding it closer to his face. “Wilson,” he sighed, relieved. “This is Jacob. I’m here with Commander Alenko. We just took out some mechs in D wing.” Kaidan frowned - there was the ‘Commander’ thing again.

“ _Alenko? How the - fuck it. Get him out of there, then. Take the service tunnels to the network control room._ ”

“Got it,” Jacob nodded, pulling his weapon once more. “Stay in radio contact.”

Kaidan hurried to follow as Jacob started down the hall again, his eyes sharp and flitting side to side as they walked. “Why do you keep calling me commander?” Kaidan asked. “I told you it’s lieutenant.”

“Not anymore,” Jacob told him. “You got promoted post-humously.”

Kaidan blinked, hard. “…yeah. That’s not weird at all.”

Jacob snorted, the corner of his mouth lifting. “It only gets weirder from here, commander.”

“Please, just call me Kaidan. Commander…doesn’t sound right.”

The other man hummed, peeking around a corner before proceeding into a darkened service tunnel. “Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t, would it?”

Kaidan was quiet for a moment, listening to their footsteps as they made their way through the winding passages, lit by dim, red bulbs overhead. He had no idea how Jacob was finding his way around; every corner they turned looked identical to the last.

“You said it’s been two years since Virmire,” he murmured eventually. “Any idea about my old team? Do they know I was brought back?”

“Not as of now, no,” Jacob told him. “It’s all a little complicated. We can talk more about it after we get out of here.”

“Right,” Kaidan scoffed, shaking his head. “Is Miranda the woman who was speaking to me over the intercoms, then?”

“Probably. I haven’t been able to get in contact with her, though. Let’s hope she’s headed to the shuttles, same as us.”

“ _Jacob! Hurry up, I’m pinned down in Server Room B!_ ”

“Wilson,” Jacob called sharply. “What’s happening?”

“ _Mechs got me cornered! I’m hit!_ ”

“On our way.” Jacob broke into a run, jaw set determinedly. “Let’s move, Kaidan.”

Kaidan hurried to match his pace, his head still spinning with confusion but somehow glad to have a goal. The sense of purpose helped him to feel less like he wanted to scream until someone answered his fucking questions. He followed Jacob to the server room, where they found three mechs scattered on the floor, full of bullet holes. Across the room was a man in a uniform similar to Jacob’s, clutching his thigh as it bled profusely.

“Jacob,” the man called, strained. “Bastards got me in the leg.”

“I’ve got medigel,” Jacob assured him, dropping to his knees and pulling a small canister. “Hold still.” He pressed the nozzle to Wilson’s wound, plugging it up quickly as Wilson grunted. “Can you walk?”

“Yeah,” Wilson wheezed, pushing himself up and standing, though he staggered a step. “Yeah, I’m good.” He paused, looking Kaidan up and down. “Damn. Almost didn’t recognize you, all…conscious and not full of tubes.”

Kaidan stared at him, not sure how to answer something like that. “…nice to meet you?”

“Wilson was on the team that brought you back,” Jacob explained, peering over the window over Wilson’s head as he spoke.

“Can we talk about this after we get the hell out of here?” Wilson huffed, scowling as he reloaded his gun. “I thought maybe I could shut down the security mechs, but whoever did this fried the whole system. We’re screwed.”

Jacob paused, his dark eyes flitting to Wilson’s face and narrowing. “Why do you even have that kind of clearance?” he asked. “You were in the bio wing.”

Wilson bristled, scowling right back at him. “Weren’t you listening? I was trying to fix this! Besides, what, you think I shot myself in the leg?!”

“Look,” Kaidan interjected firmly, crossing his arms. “As much as I’d love to sit here playing the blame game all day, I kinda wanna get out of here before more mechs come to kill us.”

“Right,” Jacob agreed, nodding once. “Let’s go find Miranda.”

“Nah, she was in D wing. The mechs were all over that sector. She’s probably dead,” Wilson scoffed.

Jacob’s hard stare turned onto Wilson again, his jaw clenching briefly. “It’d take a lot more than a few mechs to down Miranda. She’s alive.”

“Well, even if she is, we’re here and she’s not,” Wilson pressed. “We haven’t heard from her. We need to save ourselves.”

“Save it,” Jacob snapped, drawing himself up a few inches taller. “We head for the shuttle bay and try to contact her from there.”

“I would actually love to know who the hell you people are before I get into a shuttle with you,” Kaidan drawled. “Stranger danger, and all that.”

Jacob paused, his expression softening a bit. “…yeah. Guess it’s been a bit crazy.”

“Just a little.”

Jacob sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Alright. If I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?”

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow in response. “…maybe. Depends.”

“Jacob,” Wilson said warningly. “This really isn’t the time.”

Jacob ignored him, turning to face Kaidan fully. “The Lazarus project, the program that rebuilt you…it’s funded and run by Cerberus.”

Kaidan’s lips parted in surprise. “Cerberus. Like, the pro-human terrorist group?”

Jacob grimaced. “Well, that’s what the Alliance wants people to believe. But there’s a lot more to it. The Alliance declared you killed in action on Virmire, gave up looking even when they didn’t find a body. Cerberus spent a fortune to bring you back.”

“Why?” Kaidan demanded, shoulders tensing. “I was just a lieutenant, I was nobody.”

“Not to the Illusive Man.”

“I’m not working with terrorists,” Kaidan snapped. “I don’t care who brought me back to life or why.”

Jacob sighed heavily. “Look, I’d be suspicious too. But right now, we need to work together to get off this station. If you just trust me to get you out of here, I promise all your questions will be answered later.”

Kaidan stared hard at him, searching his eyes. He seemed sincere enough. He had one of those faces. Nice, open, made you wanna trust him. Kaidan hoped he wasn’t just falling for the pretty boy thing, but sighed and shrugged one shoulder. “Fair enough. Lead the way.”

They continued on, Wilson sticking close to them with his pistol drawn. The place was crawling, every corner they rounded leading to another firefight. Kaidan was a little concerned they would run out of bullets; the weapons locker he’d raided hadn’t had any mags. That, combined with being unable to use his biotics without his fucking head exploding, and he was starting to think they might be fucked.

“There,” Wilson gasped finally, jogging ahead of them toward a door at the end of a long hallway. “Through here. We’re almost at the-” The door opened to reveal a woman, tall with long black hair and stormy eyes. Wilson’s face fell, and he took a step back. “Miranda,” he choked. “But, you were-”

Kaidan blinked, and then there was a hole in Wilson’s forehead, Miranda’s gun pointed between his eyes. “Dead?” she drawled, sneering as Wilson’s body crumpled to the ground.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Jacob snapped, backing up a few steps as he stared at Wilson’s body.

Kaidan felt similarly, pulling out his gun and leveling it at Miranda’s head. “What is going on?” he asked through his teeth.

Miranda turned her gaze onto him, seemingly unfazed by the weapon in her face. “Wilson was a traitor. He sabotaged our security systems, killed my staff, and would have killed us.”

“What if you’re wrong?” Jacob asked tensely, though his eyes were on Kaidan’s weapon, not Miranda. “We’ve known him for years.”

“I’m never wrong,” Miranda smirked, almost playfully, at Jacob. “Thought you’d have learned that by now.”

“This is adorable, but I’m getting really fucking sick of people not answering my questions,” Kaidan snapped, face getting hot with frustration and nerves.

Miranda watched him for a moment, expression unreadable, before turning on her heel. “Come on. I’ll explain everything on the shuttle. I spent too long bringing you back to let you be killed now, let’s go.”

Kaidan ground his teeth together but followed her, holstering his weapon and glancing over his shoulder to ensure they weren’t being followed. Miranda led them to a shuttle, climbing inside and strapping herself in while Jacob and Kaidan followed suit.

“Where are we going?” he asked, speaking up to be heard as the vehicle’s engine started, the noise reverberating in the small docking bay, and they began to lift off of the ground. They all lurched a bit as they took off, rapidly leaving the facility behind. Kaidan glanced out the window to watch it shrink away, marveling at the seemingly innocuous building on fire from the inside out.

“My boss wants to speak to you.”

“Your boss? You mean the Illusive Man?”

Miranda’s eyebrows raised, then she fixed Jacob with a dry look. “Really?”

“Lying to him isn’t the way to get him to join our cause,” Jacob told her, pursing his lips.

“I told you already, I’m not joining shit,” Kaidan snorted. “I’m not working for Cerberus.”

“That’s your decision to make, of course,” Miranda said, though she sounded a bit too self-assured for Kaidan’s liking. Like she knew something he didn’t. “But the Illusive Man poured countless resources into the Lazarus Project. Into you. I think it only makes sense for you to hear him out. Wouldn’t you agree, Commander?”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at her, clenching his jaw. Well, he couldn’t really argue with that.

“…fine. Take me to him, then. And, it’s Kaidan.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Just through this door here.”

Kaidan’s eyes flitted back and forth, back and forth, as he followed Miranda down the winding halls of the station. The shuttle had barely landed and she was already off, her boots clacking noisily on the floor, Kaidan having to jog to catch up. He followed close to her heel, now, keeping an eye out for anything that looked suspicious. Though, he wasn’t sure he’d know it if he saw it. Everything to do with Cerberus was suspicious. Goosebumps rose on his skin.

“I still don’t feel comfortable just going wherever you tell me,” Kaidan snipped, jaw clenched as he and Miranda came to a pause in front of a large door. He watched as Miranda opened it via palm recognition, and internally cursed. Breaking out would be that much more difficult, if it came to that.

Miranda fixed him with a hard look, her eyes steely. “The Illusive Man will explain, as I said. If we were going to kill you, Kaidan, you’d be dead already.”

“Cerberus doesn’t need to kill to hurt people,” Kaidan muttered, looking up as the door slid open to reveal a room, empty save for a platform in the center.

“Step onto the platform,” Miranda instructed, ignoring his comment. “The Illusive Man will be in contact in a moment.”

Kaidan hesitated, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. She just stared back at him, face expressionless. She was a bit of an unnerving person, Kaidan had to admit. He didn’t really like not being able to read someone. He took a breath through his nose, carefully stepping through past the threshold and into the bare room. The door closed with a hiss behind him, and he paused for another moment before making his way up onto the platform, as instructed. The airtight seal of the door blocked out all sound, and an unnerving silence surrounded him. His footsteps practically echoed in the quiet.

As soon as his boots made contact, the platform lit up a soft blue, and a cylinder of light began to rise up and surround him, like it was scanning him from his feet to the top of his head. Some instinct urged him to stay still as it happened, so he did, frozen until the scan was complete. A moment later, a projected figure appeared before him - he swallowed down the increase in heart rate as he remembered the projection of Sovereign on Virmire. _Time for that later_.

The figure was a man, silver haired and lounging in a chair. He was dressed in a black suit, the first few buttons of his undershirt undone, and a cigarette was perched between his lips. His eyes were a bright, unnatural shade of blue, piercing through the projection like an eery pair of headlights.

“Commander Alenko.”

Kaidan straightened his back, standing at attention and lifting his chin in an attempt to appear confident. “Illusive Man, I assume.”

The man nodded, the corner of his mouth lifting just slightly. “You assume correctly.”

“You got a name? Or just the creepy title?”

The Illusive Man watched him for a moment, head tilted to the side as smoke billowed from between his lips. “How are you feeling?” he asked eventually, reaching somewhere off to the side to tap off excess ash.

“Irritated,” Kaidan snapped. “You spent all this money to bring me back, and from where I’m standing, it makes no goddamn sense. And no one will answer my questions. I want answers. Why?”

“For the defense and preservation of humanity,” the Illusive Man told him, sitting back in his chair and resting an ankle on the opposite knee. “Cerberus’ goal has always been the preservation and advancement of our species. And humanity is up against the greatest threat of it’s existence.”

“The Reapers,” Kaidan supplied, pushing down the anxiety once again, more and more flashbacks of his last mission coming to him the more time he spent awake. Sovereign declaring an invasion that would blacken the sky, heat blistering his skin and melting away his hair, John screaming in his ear to hold on. _Shepard, where is Shepard_?

“Good to see your memory is still intact.”

“That doesn’t explain why you brought me back,” Kaidan pressed, shaking himself from the memories frowning deeply. He clenched his hands to hide how they trembled. “I was - am, just one man. Just a soldier. Not even one of any rank. If you’re concerned about the fate of humanity, if you know something, you should bring it to the Alliance.”

The Illusive Man scoffed, getting to his feet and beginning a casual pace in front of the chair he had previously occupied. “The Alliance is far too busy painting our organization as terrorists to consider working together. Besides, from what I hear, the official claim is that the Reapers aren’t a threat.”

“There was a rogue Spectre. A turian, Saren,” Kaidan began. “He-”

“Has been taken down since your death, Commander,” the Illusive Man interrupted, taking another drag of his cigarette. “His attempted siege on the Citadel as a puppet of the Reaper Sovereign was foiled by a fellow Spectre. I’m sure you’re familiar with John Shepard.”

With just the drop of a name, the Illusive Man had Kaidan’s rapt attention. “Yes. I know him.” He paused. “Is he…did he survive the battle?”

“He did, and still lives as far as I am aware.”

“He’s the one you want to talk to,” Kaidan murmured, his heart racing all over again at the knowledge that John was out there, somewhere, still alive. “He knows more about this than I do.”

The Illusive Man nodded, putting out the butt of his cigarette in an ash tray Kaidan couldn’t see. “We attempted contact with him while you were still hunting Saren. He rejected an alliance, and we have since been unable to get in contact with him.”

“Did he know you were…bringing me back?” Kaidan asked, eyes fixed on the Illusive Man as he resumed his pacing. “When you tried to contact him the second time, did you mention it?”

“The Lazarus Project was a secret. No one outside of myself, my officers, and my staff were aware of it’s existence,” the Illusive Man explained. “And even if that weren’t the case, further attempts at contact weren’t simply ignored, they didn’t go through at all.”

Shit. That was going to complicate things. “That still doesn’t explain why _me_.”

“You were closest with him, weren’t you?”

Kaidan fought to keep his face neutral. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

The Illusive Man smirked just slightly, watching him for a long, silent moment. “And he trusted you. He brought you on every mission, trusted you to watch his back. And the truth is, we still need Shepard. Badly. And we believe that the only way he will agree to help Cerberus is if you can convince him.”

Anger bubbled in Kaidan’s stomach, crawling and burning up his throat. “You are seriously delusional if you think I’m working for you,” he snapped. “And you are _batshit_ if you think I’m gonna convince Jo-Shepard to do the same.”

“Not _for_ me. _With_ Cerberus,” the Illusive Man amended, calm and collected as ever. “We have a common enemy, Commander. A common goal.”

“I’m an Alliance soldier. I don’t need to partner with you to address the threat.”

“Well, in order to address the threat, isn’t it necessary to admit that a threat exists?” the Illusive Man scoffed. “The Citadel Council has denied all claims of an impending Reaper Invasion. Shepard has tried multiple times to warn them, and is ignored. And he’s a Spectre. Do you think you can do better?”

“We don’t need the Council,” Kaidan argued, though his words sounded weak to his own ears.

“Maybe not to mobilize Alliance forces. But what about Turian forces? Salarian, or Asari? If their councilor doesn’t endorse the reality of a Reaper threat, nothing will be done,” the Illusive Man said, each word slow and enunciated as his eyes bored into Kaidan’s. “And the Alliance on it’s own will be overrun.”

Kaidan was silent, the reality of the situation starting to hit him. He passed a hand over his mouth, wiping sweat from his upper lip. “What makes you think Cerberus can do better on it’s own?” Kaidan asked eventually, voice quiet.

“We won’t be alone. We are willing to do what is necessary to protect our species,” the Illusive Man told him firmly, almost passionately. “And once they see you, a loyal soldier and martyr for the cause, and Shepard, humanity’s symbol of strength, side by side, the men and women of humanity will rally. And then, we’ll have a chance.”

Kaidan was silent, frowning with the corners of his mouth turned down. The guy sounded like a damn marine recruitment pamphlet, but in a creepy, pro-human kind of way. “I…I’m still not convinced.”

“Miranda thought you’d take persuading,” the Illusive Man sighed, though his smile was easy. Content. Kaidan didn’t like it one fucking bit, almost as little as he liked Miranda thinking she knew a damn thing about him. “While you’ve been sleeping, Commander, human colonies have been going missing.”

Kaidan perked up a little at that, folding his arms over his chest. “Entire colonies? How the hell does that happen?”

“That’s what we’d like you to find out,” the Illusive Man drawled, lowering himself into his chair again and resting his elbows on the arms. “We believe it’s someone working for the Reapers. We have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom’s Progress, one of the most recent colonies to be abducted. You’re to go there and investigate the situation, and report back with news.”

Kaidan scowled, curling his lip back. “I don’t take orders from you.”

“Not an order, Commander. Just direction.” The Illusive Man smiled that irritating smile, looking at Kaidan like he was a toddler throwing an adorable tantrum. Fucker. “Miranda and Jacob will brief you. I ask that you go through with this one mission, and when you return, you make a decision about what you would like to do going forward.”

It was silent for several moments as they just stared each other down, Kaidan trying his best not to be so unnerved by the unnatural blue of the man’s eyes that he broke the gaze first. “Fine,” he said eventually, through the tight line of his teeth. “Fine. I’ll go to Freedom’s Progress. But not for you.”

“Whatever you like, Commander.”

“What about the old team I served with?” Kaidan asked. “What are they up to? Can I get in contact with them?”

“They disbanded some time ago, as far as I’m aware,” the Illusive Man said. “Many of them weren’t military, as I understand it. I’m afraid I don’t have much more information than that at the present moment. As I said, contact with any of them, especially those that were Alliance, is nearly impossible.”

Kaidan tried to ignore the sinking disappointment in his gut as he realized that getting to Shepard wasn’t going to happen, at least not anytime soon. He knew he hadn’t really been apart from him for two years in his own reality, but for some reason he suddenly felt the time and the distance. Like an aching tug on his heart. He missed John, he wanted John. John would know what to do.

“Miranda and Jacob will be waiting for you at the shuttle bay.”

He looked up, realizing he’d zoned out for a moment. “Fine. I’ll go meet them.” He paused, then turned on his heel and marched out of the room, hands clenched into fists and gut churning unpleasantly.


	14. Chapter 14

Kaidan was beginning to feel a bit like cattle, being herded from place to place with some Cerberus officer or another holding his lead. He stared out the window moodily as the shuttle brought himself, Jacob, and Miranda to Freedom’s Progress under cover of night. He watched the stars twinkling up above, wondering where Shepard was among them. He felt another pang in his chest, a swoop in his gut that only accompanied feeling lost and alone, or treading water in the middle of the ocean. What would John say if (no, when) they found each other again? Would he be angry with Kaidan for teaming with Cerberus, however temporary it may be? Would he still…feel the way he had? What if he’d moved on in those two years Kaidan had been dead?

Kaidan rubbed at the center of his forehead where it still ached, the throbbing leftover from when he’d tried to use his biotics before.

“Headache?” Miranda asked, watching him closely.

“Uh, yeah,” Kaidan mumbled, glancing at her briefly. “I get migraines.” He paused for a moment, then frowned. “Earlier, you said my implant was still…acclimating. What does that mean?”

“Well, we had to rebuild you. You were in pieces when we found you,” Miranda explained, her voice clinical. “The implant was still latched to your brain and spinal cord, but it did do a reboot when brain activity resumed. It’s basically like a less intense version of when you were first implanted.”

“So…” Kaidan swallowed thickly. “So I still…it’s still…”

“Yes,” Miranda said, voice more soft. “You still have the L2 implant. We were able to upgrade a lot of your systems, Kaidan, but removing the implant was just too risky.”

She avoided his eyes, looking out the window, and Kaidan watched her, unable to speak for a moment. “…thank you,” he murmured, realizing he truly, fervently meant it. “Thank you. For keeping it.”

Miranda nodded, the corner of her mouth lifting just slightly. She was quite lovely, Kaidan realized. If he paid attention. “Of course, Kaidan.”

Silence fell in the shuttle once more, and Kaidan rubbed his eyes, feeling more weary by the hour. For a man that had just been asleep for two or so years, he wanted nothing more than to collapse into a bed. “So what’s the plan at Freedom’s Progress?”

“That’s up to you,” Jacob told him. “The Illusive Man put us under your command.”

Kaidan squinted at him, brows low over his eyes. “Why?”

“He wants to see what you can do,” Miranda interjected. “Your abilities are without question, but your intentions are less so. Not to mention the fact that you were woken early.”

“My intentions?” Kaidan snorted, giving her an incredulous look. “I don’t think I’m the one that still deserves scrutiny. I didn’t ask for this.”

“Which is precisely why this entire ordeal makes me nervous,” she snipped, eyes hardening. “And why I will be keeping close watch over you.”

Kaidan scoffed, sitting back heavily in his seat like a petulant teenager. “Great. Watch away.”

“I wasn’t asking your permission.”

“Easy,” Jacob soothed, glancing between them. “Save it for after the mission. We need to learn to work together.”

Kaidan clenched his teeth, glaring out of the window again. “No. We don’t.”

* * *

Freedom’s Progress was a ghost town.

Kaidan wasn’t sure what he had expected when he’d heard ‘the entire colony was abducted,’ but the absolute emptiness of the place sent his skin crawling. He stepped carefully, as if afraid that any sudden moves or sounds would disturb…something. The ground was dusted lightly with snow, his boots making faint prints as he and his weird ass Cerberus squad advanced into the eerily quiet colony. They began their investigation by entering housing units, which were all unlocked. Stepping inside of the first abode, they found everything almost untouched, with dishes on the table and old food rotting on the counter.

“Odd,” Miranda murmured, her gaze sharp as she took in the details of the unit. “No bodies, blood. Nothing broken.”

“Almost like they just…got up and left,” Jacob agreed, his weapon pulled and held at the ready. “This is weird.”

They exited the home once again, Kaidan feeling dirty for having been inside at all. As they approached another building to search, Miranda held up her hand to halt them. “Wait. I hear something.”

Kaidan frowned, straining his own ears. “I don’t-”

He had a split second’s time for his instincts to kick in, tucking and rolling to cover as bullets pelted around them. He peered around the corner of the building he’d hidden behind. “More security mechs?!”

“Later!” Miranda snapped. “Take them out!”

Not only was Miranda beautiful and intelligent, she was also apparently a powerful biotic. She stepped out of cover, a blue dome forming around her and halting the spray of bullets coming toward her in their tracks. As they clattered to the concrete at her feet, she threw out a firm hand and sent a handful of bots flying back. Kaidan couldn’t help glancing at her out of the corner of his eye as he focused on laying down cover fire, thoroughly impressed by her. Even if she was a bit of an asshole. Although, so was Shepard. Maybe he just liked people that gave him shit. That was… certainly something to evaluate when not in the middle of a firefight.

While he was musing, the three of them managed to wipe out the mechs with no injury. Kaidan got to his feet, holstering his weapon and approaching Miranda and Jacob as they spoke. “What was up with that?”

“Those were the security bots for the colony. They shouldn’t have attacked,” Jacob muttered darkly, glancing at Miranda as if for confirmation.

She nodded, eyes sweeping the rest of the colony warily. “I have a feeling the people that abducted the citizens here are related to whoever tried to kill Kaidan and hacked our security.”

“Great,” Kaidan deadpanned.

Miranda ignored him, as usual. “Let’s move on. We likely aren’t alone here.”

They continued forward, searching the next few units and finding similar scenes - beds unmade, food and dishes left out, lights still on. No signs of battle or struggle. No bodies, no blood. The unsettling amount of nothing that they found made it all the more startling when they entered the next house and found themselves face to face with a small group of Quarians. The three of them lifted their weapons at once.

Apparently, the Quarians were equally surprised, as they all leapt to their feet and drew weapons of their own. “Stop right there!” one of them shouted.

“Prazza! You said you’d let me handle this!”

Kaidan blinked, lowering his rifle in surprise. “Tali?”

Tali paused, her head snapping toward him. “…Kaidan?” she breathed.

“Those are Cerberus operatives,” Prazza snapped, taking a step toward them. “I’m not taking any chances!”

“Put those weapons down!” Tali snapped at him, staring him down until he did as he was told, before slowly turning to gape at Kaidan once more. “You…you were killed. On Virmire.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan laughed weakly. “Guess I got better.” He grunted as she threw her arms around him, causing both Miranda and Jacob to tense. He ignored them, laughing again and squeezing her right back.

“Keelah, it’s good to see you,” she sighed, nearly cracking his ribs. “I can’t believe it’s you. Shepard will be so - and Joker, and Liara, and - have you spoken to them?”

“Not yet,” Kaidan wheezed, breathing easier when she finally let him go and held him at arm’s length. “I’ve been awake less than a day. And I don’t know where any of them are. Have you seen Shepard lately?” he pressed, unable to help his priorities.

Tali shook her head regretfully, ignoring her squadmates shifting from foot to foot and looking around at each other. “No. He’s been off the grid for a while now.”

Kaidan blinked, hard. “Off the grid?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “No one has been able to get into contact with him. I stopped trying.”

Kaidan didn’t like the sound of that. “…we can talk about it later. What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same,” she said slowly, her head tilting toward Miranda and Jacob briefly. “Why…are you working for Cerberus?”

“I’m not,” Kaidan said firmly. “We have a common goal at the moment and nothing more. They brought me back to life, so I suppose there’s also that.”

Tali scoffed, shaking her head. “Not that I’m not happy they did, but…a bit of an unfortunate source of miracle.”

“Tell me about it. We’re investigating missing colonists,” Kaidan told her. “Is that why you’re here?”

“We’re searching for one of our own, actually,” she explained. “Veetor. He was here on pilgrimage and we have not heard from him.”

“He’s odd. Unstable,” Prazza piped up, arms crossed over his chest. “Combine that with C02 poisoning and an open-air exposure infection, and he’s likely delirious.”

“He hid from us in a warehouse when he saw us landing,” Tali added, though her voice was a bit clipped as she glanced at Prazza. “We suspect he also programmed the mechs to target anything that moved.”

“There goes your theory,” Jacob murmured to Miranda, who just pursed her lips but didn’t reply.

“We’ll help you find Veetor,” Kaidan said, straightening as he prepared to move again. “Maybe he can give us some answers about what happened here.”

“Good idea.”

“Now we’re working with Cerberus?!” Prazza snapped.

Tali turned toward him, and Kaidan could feel the glare even if he couldn’t see it behind her visor. “No, you are working for me. If you can’t follow orders, go wait on the ship.” She stared challengingly, and when he didn’t reply, finally turned her back on him once more. “There are more attack drones further in. Head toward the warehouse through the center of the colony; I’ll mark a navpoint for you. We’ll circle around and draw fire to clear you a path.”

Kaidan nodded, clapping her shoulder firmly. “Sounds good. We’ll keep in radio contact.”

“I’ll sync to your frequency.”

* * *

They finally kicked open the door to the warehouse Veetor had holed himself up in, a little worse for wear now as the volume of mechs and drones had increased the closer they got to his location. Kaidan limped on a wound he hadn’t bothered to plug with medigel, yet, preferring to get the mission over with even as he bled down his leg. Jacob gave him a disapproving look, but didn’t say anything for the moment, everyone far too distracted by the wall of glowing surveillance screens. Before them sat a Quarian who could only be Veetor, mumbling to himself and rocking back and forth as he rubbed at his arms.

“Monsters coming back,” he muttered. “Mechs will protect. Safe from swarms. Have to hide. No more monsters. No more swarms.”

“Veetor?” Tali asked gently, approaching him slowly. His back remained to them, face tilted up toward the screens as if transfixed. Each monitor displayed a different portion of the colony, all completely deserted save for the littered remains of the mechs they’d taken out.

“No Veetor here,” he replied, voice shaky and weak. He sounded young. “Swarms can’t find. Have to hide.”

“What-”

“We don’t have time for this,” Miranda snipped, pulling out her pistol and blasting a hole in the center of one of the monitors closest to Veetor.

He jumped where he sat, scrambling to his feet and whirling toward them. He seemed a bit more lucid, now, speaking more clearly once he’d calmed. “You…you’re human,” he breathed. “They didn’t find you?”

“Who didn’t find us?” Kaidan asked, bracing himself on the edge of a table.

“The…monsters. The swarms,” Veetor whimpered, hugging himself again. “They took everyone.”

“We need more than that,” Miranda demanded. “Why wouldn’t the colonists fight back? Who took them?”

Veetor shook his head slowly, turning back toward the surveillance monitors. “You don’t know. You didn’t see. But I see everything.” He brought up what appeared to be earlier footage, the video being obstructed every so often by what appeared to be insects, fluttering in and out of frame. The swarm, Kaidan assumed. And past them, a hulking figure, clearly an alien but of no species Kaidan had ever seen. The monsters.

“My god,” Miranda breathed, stepping forward. “I think it’s a Collector.”

“What’s a Collector?” Kaidan asked, teeth gritted as he kept pressure off of his leg. He blinked as he was pushed back against the wall, Jacob’s hand firm on his shoulder. “What-”

“Sit down,” Jacob instructed. “No sense in letting the wound sit. Let me plug it.”

Kaidan huffed, straightening his leg and allowing Jacob access to the wound. “Fine. You still didn’t answer my question.”

Jacob gave him a brief, dry look, then retrieved his canister of gel as he spoke. “They’re a species from beyond the Omega 4 Relay. Only a few people have actually seen one in person. They usually work with slavers or hired mercenaries, which would explain the abductions. Especially if they’re somehow involved with the Reapers.”

“But how could they abduct an entire colony with no signs of struggle?” Miranda huffed, crossing her arms as she squinted at the footage.

“The seekers, the swarms, freeze you,” Veetor told them weakly. “Then the monsters take you away.”

“The seekers? What, the insects?” Miranda asked, frowning more deeply. “Do they bite or something?”

Veetor shook his head slowly. “I don’t know. I only know that they freeze. They swarm and freeze and you can’t move.”

“Did anything else happen?” Miranda pressed, staring hard at him.

Veetor’s hands began to shake, and Tali tensed, her protective streak rearing it’s head. “The monsters took the humans onto their ship and then flew away. But they’ll be back for me. No one ever escapes.”

“That’s enough,” Tali told Kaidan imploringly.

Kaidan nodded, agreeing with her assessment; Veetor looked like he could use some damn good rest. “Thank you, Veetor. You were very helpful.”

“I studied them,” Veeter told him urgently. “Lots of electromagnetic readings, dark energy. I recorded it with my omni-tool.”

“We should get that data to the Illusive Man,” Miranda insisted. “Let’s take the Quarian with us and get the data from him there.”

Tali bristled, glaring at her. “He is injured,” she snapped. “He needs medical attention, not an interrogation. You are welcome to his data, but I insist you let me take him with us.”

Kaidan nodded, no need to even consider his decision, really. He grimaced as Jacob filled his wound with omnigel and it began to slowly heal over. “Veetor will go with Tali and the others back to the flotilla. He can transfer his data to Miranda’s omni-tool before we go. Happy?” he asked, raising a sarcastic eyebrow at Miranda.

She mimicked the expression, and Kaidan could swear she seemed just a little amused. “I wouldn’t go that far. But it’ll do.”

Kaidan nodded, accepting Jacob’s hand and letting the man pull him to his feet. “Thanks,” he grunted, putting a little experimental weight on the bad leg and deciding it was good enough for now. They waited around a moment as Veetor transferred his data to Miranda, who immediately began encrypting and locking it up, Kaidan was sure. He turned toward Tali as they made their way out of the warehouse, touching her shoulder.

“You should come with us,” he suggested, smiling a bit. “Would be nice to have someone not-Cerberus around.”

“I want to,” she sighed, and he could hear the slight smile. “But I can’t. I have my own mission to take care of. But once it’s done, and if I’ve survived…we’ll see. I’d love to see you alive again, Kaidan.”

“Same to you,” Kaidan nodded wistfully. “Be careful out there. Keelah se’lai.”

She laughed quietly and clapped his shoulder plate. “Keelah se’lai. And good luck.”

* * *

“So, Commander Alenko. Was your trip to Freedom’s Progress enlightening?”

Kaidan crossed his arms, stood once again in the communication chamber and watching the projection of the Illusive Man lazily smoke a cigarette. He hadn’t had one himself in at least ten years, but the stress he’d been under since waking up made him envious. Another reason to want to punch the bastard in the throat.

“You could say that,” he replied. “I have a feeling you knew about the Collectors prior to sending me. If so, you’ve made your point.”

“I wasn’t positive,” the Illusive Man amended. “You confirmed my suspicion. Not only that, but Veetor’s data should prove useful once we’ve analyzed it. Good work.”

Kaidan clenched his jaw, not willing to accept praise for a job well done in the name of Cerberus. “What do you know about the Collectors, then?”

“They periodically travel to the Terminus Systems to gather items or specimens, usually in trade for technology. When their transactions are complete, they disappear beyond the Omega 4 Relay once more. Until now, there have been no recorded incidences of direct aggression by the Collectors,” the Illusive Man explained, leaning back in his chair as usual with his elbows resting on the arms, cigarette perched between his center and pointer fingers.

“I’ve never heard of anyone ever making it past the Omega 4 Relay,” Kaidan mused. “I thought ships were always destroyed if they attempted it.”

“Most are,” the Illusive Man nodded. “The theory is that the Relay reacts uniquely to Collector ships, allowing them safe passage. If they can manipulate Relays, that further implicates them in working with the Reapers. Helping them to return from dark space through previously impassable Relays.”

“Why humans? And why abductions?” Kaidan pressed, though he really wasn’t interested in bouncing ideas off of him.

“Your guess is as good as mine on that front,” the Illusive Man hummed. “Humanity did play a direct role in Sovereign’s destruction. That may have been enough to draw their attention. Another reason to recruit Shepard, I’m sure you’ll agree. He’s likely in danger.”

Kaidan pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes at the smug tilt to the man’s mouth. He would not allow the man to take advantage of that particular weakness. “Shepard’s a big boy.”

“Of course.” It was silent for a moment as they stared each other down. “In any case. The Alliance and the Council are content to believe that the Reaper threat died with Sovereign, but you and I know better. And there are others who know better. We can’t wait around until that threat is on our doorstep to act.”

Kaidan sighed, long and loud, as he weighed his options. He had been told he would be free to go if he wished, though his faith in that was shaky at best. Still, it was an option. He could always make a run for it. But the Illusive Man’s words ate at him. What if the Council really didn’t take the threat seriously? Or the Alliance? What if Cerberus were the only ones that would actually make a move?

“I”ll stick around,” he decided. “For now. But I plan to contact the Alliance, and the Council, and try to change their minds.”

“Be my guest,” the Illusive Man scoffed.

“And I’ll need a team,” Kaidan added. “A good one.”

“I’ve compiled a list of dossiers for you,” the Illusive Man smiled, reaching off screen. Kaidan received a ping on his omni-tool a moment later. “Their last known locations are in the files. Soldiers, scientists, and mercenaries that will all be incredibly useful, I’m sure. I will continue to track the Collectors on my end, and inform you when they make an appearance.”

“Fine.”

“Ah, before you go.” Kaidan paused halfway through turning his back on him. “First, I suggest seeking out Mordin Solus on Omega. He’s a brilliant Salarian scientist, and his work suggests that he may be able to help us with countering paralyzing Collector swarms.”

“Alright,” Kaidan nodded curtly. “What else?”

“I found a pilot you may like. One of the best. Someone you can trust.”

Kaidan blinked once. “Wh-”

“Hey, Kaidan. Just like old times, huh?”

Kaidan spun around, eyes going wide when he saw Joker shuffling toward him, weak on his joints as usual but still looking as well as ever. “Joker?”

“Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one that got blown up,” Joker snorted, grimacing when Kaidan instantly came at him for a hug. “Alright, okay, ow, ow, watch the everything.”

Kaidan laughed, letting him go carefully and grinning ear to ear with relief. “Holy shit, it’s good to see you.”

“You’re telling me,” Joker laughed, though Kaidan didn’t miss how his eyes swept over every inch of him. Like he was making sure. “Like I said, you’re the one that got blown up.”

The Illusive Man’s call had since disconnected, so Kaidan hurried out of the chamber, urging Joker along with him. “Man, I have so much to fucking tell you.”


	15. Chapter 15

“I still can’t believe it’s you.”

Joker snorted, glancing at Kaidan as they walked, slowly so Joker didn’t stumble. Kaidan’s memory might have been failing him, but he could’ve sworn he looked stiffer than usual. “Says the guy who was dead for two years.”

Kaidan grimaced, shaking his head at his own feet as they walked. “Guess that is kinda insane. I still haven’t really had a moment to breathe.”

“You look like hell.”

“Do I? Haven’t gotten a look at that either,” Kaidan admitted. “Been too busy trying not to die and being dictated to by a jackass who doesn’t button his shirt.”

Joker snorted, leading him toward the docking bay of the facility. “Yeah, well, that jackass built us a ship.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, head pulling back a bit in surprise. “A ship? And you’re alright flying something other than the Normandy.”

“I have to be alright with it,” Joker told him. “Normandy got fucked up, only a few months after you died. We don’t know who it was, but they split her right in two. We lost a lot of the crew, mostly the guys that worked below deck and couldn’t get to the evac shuttles in time. I kinda feel like an asshole for not knowing who a lot of them were.”

“Jesus,” Kaidan breathed, eyes wide. “The Illusive Man told me everyone was fine.”

“All our old operative team is fine,” Joker amended with a wry smile. “I’m sure he thought you only cared about Shepard, anyway.”

Kaidan pursed his hips, glowering straight ahead. “I wanna know how he knows about that.”

“Clearly someone’s been watching you, man,” Joker told him seriously. “He had you brought back to fucking life. He’s obviously invested in you.”

“For whatever reason,” Kaidan sighed. “I’m just a soldier.”

“We all say that.”

They emerged onto the docking bay, and Kaidan’s jaw dropped at the brand-spanking-new ship before him, almost identical to the old Normandy, but with the designation SR-2 painted on her side. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, wait ‘til you see the inside,” Joker grinned, sounding positively fucking giddy.

Kaidan followed him up the gangway, feeling a little dazed. The Illusive Man, Cerberus, had built them a ship. And not just any ship, but a replica of the Normandy, at least from the outside. The lengths that these people were going to to ensure Kaidan would feel comfortable enough not to hightail it at his first opportunity was starting to make his skin crawl. He was even more loathe to get Shepard involved, now.

As they stepped into the ship herself, Kaidan got the odd sensation of walking into a memory that was just a little off, like it had been tampered with. The CIC was almost identical, but a little bigger, spotless and barely used. He followed Joker to the cockpit, which was significantly different. The pilot chairs were still in the same place, but larger and farther apart. All of the tech was upgraded, the screens larger and the console at an angle, so as to be less of a strain on the pilot’s wrists. Kaidan was sure Joker appreciated that, was even more sure when the man beamed widely and carefully lowered himself into his chair like it was a throne.

“So? Badass, right?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed, a little numbly, as he looked around.

He nearly leapt out of his skin when light caught the corner of his eye, a blue, circular projection winking into existence from the console to Joker’s right. The man’s face immediately soured as he glowered at it. “Oh, right. That’s also here.”

“Hello, Kaidan,” the hologram greeted in a pleasant, slightly robotic feminine voice. Like one might hear on an automated voicemail.

“…uh, hey,” he greeted awkwardly, eyes swiveling to stare at Joker expectantly.

“This is EDI,” Joker introduced with huff, his lips downturned.

“I operate the ship’s electronic and cyberwarfare suites in combat,” EDI explained, her hologram glittering as she spoke. “I account for delayed human reaction times, while still allowing full navigational control to remain in the hands of the human pilot.”

“My reaction times aren’t delayed,” Joker snipped back, scowling at the projection. “Your reaction times are delayed.”

“I assure you they are not, Mr. Moreau. I was specifically created for-”

“Anyway,” Joker interrupted, giving Kaidan a significant look. “So that’s what I’m dealing with.”

Kaidan looked between Joker and EDI, who seemed content to remain quiet in the face of Joker’s attitude. “So you just work the weapons?”

“I also employ an anti-Reaper I also collate records of shipboard monitoring devices for the Illusive Man.”

Kaidan’s face fell, not liking the sound of that. “Like, video recordings? Audio?”

“No data available.”

Kaidan squinted at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “No data available, or the Illusive Man doesn’t want you to tell me?”

“There are missing pieces in my data banks,” EDI explained. “Whether or not these were removed manually or never existed is unknown.”

“Fantastic.”

“Let’s go,” Joker sighed, rolling his eyes and shifting to get to his feet again. “Pre-flight check is gonna be at least an hour, and I don’t wanna chat with the ship tumor listening in.”

“I can go offline for the moment if it will make you more comfortable, Mr. Moreau.”

Joker huffed, leaning back in his chair and glaring petulantly at the ceiling. “Fine, whatever. Not like there’s anywhere around here we can actually talk privately, anyway.”

Kaidan grimaced uneasily as EDI winked away once more, leaving them on their own in the cockpit. “Do you think she’s serious?”

“Never known an AI to have a thing for jokes,” Joker smirked dryly.

Kaidan sank into the co-pilot’s chair, something familiar and yet distinctly foreign about the whole thing. He was starting to feel the exhaustion right down to his bones, having to fight the random urge to burst into tears or tear his hair out. “But you still trust the Illusive Man?”

“Fuck no. But he brought you back. Gave me a ship. And they sound like they mean business when it comes to the Reapers.”

“I guess,” Kaidan nodded slowly, frowning into space. “So, no one has given it to me straight, and I know you will. What the hell happened when I died?”

Joker sighed heavily, leaning back in his fancy new chair and folding his hands over his stomach. “Well. We continued the mission, for the most part. Shepard was, uh…well. We got it done, but we all worried about him. He hardly came out of his cabin except to do debriefs and go planetside for a mission. Sovereign ended up attacking the Citadel, but we stopped it before it could do too much damage.

“Once that was over, the Council just wanted to cover everything up. They made Udina a councilor as a show of ‘good faith,’ but they basically pretended the whole thing had been a Geth plot and there wasn’t anything to worry about anymore. Shepard tried a hundred fucking times to get them to take shit seriously, but eventually…” Joker sighed, grimacing and glancing at Kaidan guiltily. “Look, he was real broken up over you. Didn’t hardly sleep, or eat, or talk to anyone. Not even Ash. I guess, especially not Ash.

“So he kinda lost it. Flipped out one too many times during a Council meeting, and was eventually honorably discharged from the Alliance. Disappeared after that. No idea where he is.”

“He disappeared?” Kaidan breathed, staring at him.

“Yep. It’s been over a year now. No one’s heard from him.”

“What about everyone else? Where’s Ashley?” Kaidan pressed, leaning forward.

“She’s still with the Alliance, got promoted. It’s hard to tell how Ash is doing,” Joker scoffed quietly. “She seems fine on the outside. But she threw herself into work, and trying to support Shepard, and I think she forgot that she’d lost you, too. Anyway. Haven’t heard much from her, or anyone else.

“Garrus and Liara kinda disappeared, too. Didn’t say much. Word is you saw what Tali’s up to. Wrex went back to Tuchanka. Rest of the crew got reassigned. I did hear we have Chakwas, though.”

Kaidan blinked in surprise. “Chakwas is with Cerberus?”

“Chakwas is with you,” Joker amended. “She heard what they were doing and I guess she wanted to be here for you. Like me. Or whatever. Don’t read into it.”

Kaidan snorted, nudging him gently with a crooked grin. “Aw. I love you too, man.”

“Fuck you,” Joker drawled.

Kaidan snickered, but it faded quickly. “I really need a bed,” he admitted, quietly, feeling odd and subdued. “I need to…I need a bed.”

Joker lifted the corner of his mouth, reaching to clap his shoulder reassuringly. “You’ll have the captain’s quarters. Deck 3.”

Kaidan pulled a face, dragging himself to his feet. “Yeah, that’s not weird as shit.” He stretched, feeling every ache and weary muscle. “Have someone wake me for take off.”

“Sure thing, Kaidan.”

Kaidan shuffled out of the cockpit, gazing around at the new and improved CIC. It was slowly filling up with personnel preparing for the SR-2’s maiden voyage. He found his way to the elevator, deciding to explore the ship later, after he’d had a goddamn nap. The lift was quieter and smoother than the one on the SR-1, and it made his eye twitch.

He stepped out onto deck three and into the only door available to him, which led into the captain’s quarters. They were huge, even bigger than Shepard’s cabin had been. To his left was a glowing fish tank, empty at the moment save for bubbling water. To the right was a desk, also mostly empty, and an open door that led to the bathroom. The room continued down a short couple of stairs, where there was a large bed as well as an L-shaped couch.

It all looked so oddly luxurious, and had Cerberus written all over it. Kaidan hated it a little.

He dragged himself into the bathroom first, despite how much he wanted to face plant the bed. He pulled off his armor as he went, down to the gray civvies he’d woken in, and felt a wave of relief when his skin met the cool air. He came to a stop in front of the mirror, glancing into it without a thought, and flinched as ice settled in his stomach.

Scars littered his face, bits of his skin separated like he was a patched pair of pants that hadn’t been finished quite yet. He looked…almost the same, but there was something off. He knew logically that the bomb had probably damaged his skin, his hair, his eyes, beyond repair, that they’d have had to be regrown from whatever bits of DNA Miranda had gotten her hands on. But the reality of that sank in as he noticed that scars he’d gotten used to seeing every day were gone. His eyes were a slightly lighter shade of brown. His hair didn’t quite curl the same way. He reached up, slowly, afraid to touch his own skin and feel someone else. He pressed his fingertips to his cheeks, then his mouth, his forehead, pulled lightly at the corners of his eyes where his crows feet were less prominent than they had been before. He traced the line of a still-healing laceration along his cheekbone, and felt his breath coming shorter.

He closed his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing before it could get out of control, but his head already felt light, the floor tilting beneath his feet. He backed up against the wall with a hard thud, sliding down to the floor and sticking his head between his knees. He gasped audibly for air, inhaling and holding, inhaling and holding, tangling up his fingers in his hair and pulling hard. “One,” he croaked, trying to find some way to center himself. “Fuck. One. T-two, th-r-ree, four…”

He counted to ten twice before he finally felt the panic attack subsiding, leaving him shaky and even more exhausted than before. He didn’t realize he had tears on his cheeks until they began to dry, leaving his skin itchy and cold. He wiped them away roughly with his sleeve, pushing himself up to his feet. He stumbled into the shower, fumbling with it before finally figuring out how to get the fucking water running. He hissed as cold water hit him, still clothed, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually move until it started to warm, staring straight ahead at the tile as the water beat down on him. The eventual change in temperature brought him back to himself, and he peeled off the now drenched shirt and sweatpants, depositing them carelessly on the floor with a wet slap. Slowly, ritualistically, he washed himself.

An hour later he collapsed naked into the lonely, enormous bed, staring up at the glass ceiling through which he could see the metal rafters of the docking bay. Once they were in flight, he was sure the view would be beautiful. He closed his eyes to it, feeling gravity pulling his body into the mattress, his skin prickling with goosebumps. His knees and elbows were beet red; he’d allowed the temperature of the shower to get a bit too warm as he scrubbed away his first day back among the living.

He shuffled underneath the covers with the last of his energy, and passed out less than a minute later.

* * *

Kaidan missed take off. He didn’t really care. This was not his ship, these were not his people. Not most of them, anyway. He woke early the following morning, rolling onto his back and noticing that he was right, the view above was enthralling. Stars and colors passing by, their distance betraying how quickly the SR-2 was truly traveling. He stared for a moment, before pushing himself up to sit.

He felt a little more rested, at least. And clean. His mind was still cluttered, but he wasn’t sure what to do about that at the moment. He wasn’t exactly feeling creative, he noted with a scoff through his nose. His usual outlet was scratching out a poem or two in his notebook in the corner of his bunk, usually melodramatic drivel that he could barely stand to look at a second time. This time, he wasn’t sure that would cut it.

Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed he stretched, his spine popping a few times along with his shoulder, before planting his feet on the ground and standing. His energy was back, for the most part, which he was glad for. He shuffled over to peek through the drawers, finding clothes already inside. Weird. He would need to make a stop at the Citadel and get his own, but he could settle for now.

He pulled on a pair of standard looking sweats, even more creeped out that they fit him perfectly. He went to the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror as he brushed his teeth with the toiletries provided. Once he felt like a person again he left the cabin, intent on exploring the rest of the ship and discovering how long they had left before reaching Omega.

Although the layout of the ship was clearly intended to make Kaidan comfortable, he had never felt more unsafe in his life as he took in all of the similarities. He knew that many Alliance ships had nearly identical layouts, but the SR-1 had been a unique design that Cerberus had almost perfectly duplicated, aside from technical enhancements. He was lost in thought as he approached the medbay, then grinned when he saw Chakwas through the window, having nearly forgotten her in the whirlwind of information.

“Dr. Chakwas,” he greeted brightly, stepping through the door. “I almost didn’t believe it when Joker told me!”

“Kaidan,” she sighed, smiling warmly at him and getting to her feet. She approached, reaching to feel underneath his jaw and turn his head this way and that as she examined him. “I’ll want to give you a physical as soon as you’re able. To ensure that you’re healing properly. You were woken early, so I hear.” Her voice was just a bit strained on the word ‘woken’, and Kaidan reached to squeeze her shoulder.

“I’m really, really glad you’re here,” Kaidan told her gently. “You have no idea how much better I feel knowing you’re around.”

Her smile grew a bit, her eyes twinkling, and she reached to affectionately pat his cheek. “And I’m glad you’re here, Kaidan.”

“Never thought I’d actually be happy I get to talk to you about whether or not I’m crazy today,” Kaidan joked, then paused when her expression faltered. “What?”

“Well,” she began, looking up as the door opened once more, a young woman with a warm, ginger pixie cut stepping through. “I’ll be conducting your routine physicals. Yeoman Kelly Chambers will be conducting your psychological evaluations from now on.”

Kaidan stared at Yeoman Chambers, his expression carefully blank as he tried to hide how much that made his gut sink. “Oh.”

“It’s so good to finally meet you, Commander,” Chambers smiled, saluting and releasing it once Kaidan half-heartedly returned the gesture. “I was trained in psychology, so I’ll be able to evaluate your wellbeing in a more thorough manner.”

“Yeoman, I…would really prefer to continue speaking with Chakwas,” Kaidan said slowly, frowning at her distrustfully.

“It’s alright, Kaidan,” Chakwas assured him, patting his arm. “Ms. Chambers is more than capable. You don’t need to worry about speaking with her.”

Kaidan glanced at her, searching her eyes and finding nothing to make him more nervous than he actually was. He released the tension in his shoulders minutely, giving Kelly a curt nod. “Alright. Fine.”

“Thank you for your trust, Commander,” Kelly smiled. “I’m sure we’ll work great together. I’d love to schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience.”

“I’ll…get back to you.”

“Very good, sir. I’ll be up in the CIC; in addition to evaluating the crew, I also keep track of your messages and appointments. If you need anything, please let me know.”

“Yeah. Alright.”

Kaidan watched her go, then glanced at Chakwas with a raised eyebrow. “Cerberus has me seeing an actual therapist, now? Were my Alliance records not clean enough?”

Chakwas snorted, settling back in her desk chair and giving him a dry look. “I assure you it was nothing from my reports that spurred this on. I assume once Ms. Chambers has a few sessions with you, she’ll see that in-depth evaluations aren’t necessary.”

Kaidan heaved a long sigh, rubbing his face. “Alright. Fine. No point fighting, anyway, I guess. I have enough shit to deal with.”

“So it seems. How are you, Kaidan?”

“Should you be asking me that?” Kaidan asked dryly. “Or should Yeoman Chambers?”

“I’m asking as your friend.”

Kaidan deflated, feeling a little bad for being a smartass with her. “I’m uh…well. I’m back from the dead. That should about sum it up.”

“I suppose you’re right,” she nodded, not smiling. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you until you’ve healed fully. The scars should go away on their own, but you’ll need to be careful with them for a while.”

“Right. I will. Thank you,” Kaidan murmured, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Seriously. I wouldn’t want anyone else as my doctor.”

“The scars aren’t the only thing that needs to heal, I imagine,” she said, watching him carefully. “What do you plan to do about Shepard?”

Kaidan glanced at her, trying to keep his face impassive. “What do you mean?”

Chakwas scoffed. “I know that the Illusive Man wants him recruited. And I know you want to find him, as well. Will you?”

Kaidan was silent for a long moment. “I…want to. But I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. This is a mess, and I…”

“You care for him,” she supplied, smiling when he blushed the tiniest bit. “The pair of you did think you were very sneaky back then. But to those of us that paid attention, you weren’t.”

“Shit,” Kaidan laughed weakly. “…yeah. I care about him. I wanna protect him from…all this.”

“I understand the sentiment,” Chakwas nodded. “However, I also know you quite well, after filling out so many evaluation forms for you,” she joked, smirking wryly as he chuckled. “And I don’t think it would be wise for you to try to go this alone. Even with myself and Joker here, you need some stability. Someone to be at your side.”

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, looking off into one of the corners of the medbay thoughtfully. “Even if I did decide I wanted to try to bring him here, I don’t know if he would come. I’m with Cerberus now, technically.”

“Yes. And Shepard is no longer with the Alliance,” Chakwas reminded him. “I’m sure Joker informed you. Wherever he is, he isn’t bound by the same principals and restrictions that he was before. He may be willing to listen, particularly to you.”

“…maybe.”

“Think on it,” she suggested. “In any case, I think it best we get your physical over with before we arrive at Omega. I would hate for you to go into a firefight and have your kneecap blow out.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“That was a joke, Kaidan.”

“A bad one, doctor.”

* * *

Omega was kind of a shithole.

Kaidan had known that already, but actually seeing it in person was an entirely different experience. Similarly, hearing about Aria T’loak and then actually meeting her in person were two completely different things. Hearing about Aria T’loak was like hearing about any notorious criminal; impressive, sure, but just words. Meeting her was enthralling, in a way. She was damn terrifying, with a sharp wit and tongue, beautiful in a way that was hard and angular. Like a diamond.

Kaidan might have swooned a little more if his heart wasn’t already completely hung up on a different asshole, somewhere else in the galaxy. As it was, he settled for a tiny fear-crush.

He stood in the VIP section of Afterlife, having taken pain meds preemptively when he’d heard they were going to a club, and damn grateful for it as he strained to hear Aria speak over the booming music. She lounged on her long white couch, surrounded by armed guards and squinting up at Kaidan calculatingly.

“You’re looking for the salarian doctor?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Last I heard he was helping plague victims in the quarantine zone.”

“There’s a plague?” Kaidan asked, frowning.

“Don’t worry,” she scoffed humorlessly. “It doesn’t affect humans. In fact, they’re pretty sure your kind caused it.”

Kaidan decided to file that away to worry about later. “Do you know anything about Mordin? Have you met him?”

“Only briefly,” Aria replied. “I like him well enough. Used to be part of the Salarian Special Tasks Group. He’s brilliant, and dangerous. As likely to kill you as he is to heal you.”

“Great,” Kaidan sighed. “Can I get into the quarantine zone?”

“You can try,” Aria drawled. “No guarantees. They don’t let anyone in. It’s in the slums.”

Kaidan nodded, getting to his feet. “Thank you, Aria. I’m grateful for your expertise.”

“Manners. How cute,” Aria smirked, giving him a sly look. “Run along, now. And behave yourself, Commander. I’ll be watching.”

A shiver ran up Kaidan’s spine as he left the club.

* * *

Mordin Solus was certainly…something. Salarians often tended to speak quickly, but Mordin was his own brand, shooting off sentences rapid fire and even omitting words to save time. His train of thought was also difficult to follow, jumping from one place to the next and somehow arriving at a conclusion. Kaidan wondered if he was all there, but everyone who knew of him had said that Mordin was a genius. He had to believe it.

Kaidan had called for backup from Miranda and Jacob before entering the infected slums of Omega, fighting his way to Mordin and being promptly rejected for his invitation to join Cerberus and help fight the Collectors. Mordin had cited the plague as his reason for needing to remain where he was. After Kaidan helped him to spread a cure through the ventilation systems, Mordin had been more amicable, especially when Kaidan had mentioned the Reaper threat.

“Reapers,” Mordin hummed, stroking his chin as he spoke, nearly too quickly to follow. “Reapers gone for thousands of years. Why come back now? Interesting.” He paused, glancing at Kaidan for a long moment, before straightening his back. “Unexpected to be working with Cerberus. Many surprises,” he smirked. “Eager to do what I can. Meet you on your ship. Assistant will take over clinic. Archangel and partner causing trouble, innocent people caught in crossfire. Need to continue to run.”

“Archangel?” Kaidan asked, remembering the name from his dossiers. “Do you know where I can find him? I’d hope to recruit him, as well.”

“Archangel and partner holed up in Kima District. Omega gangs joining forces, preparing for big counterstrike. Pair of them have been killing gang members, leaders. Causing trouble.”

“Our dossiers don’t say anything about a partner,” Miranda frowned, looking uneasy. “I don’t like it.”

“Can’t help you with that. Never shows his face. No name, not even codename,” Mordin told her. “Very interesting. Possibly dangerous. As unknown quantities are wont to be.”

Kaidan sighed, unfolding his arms from where they had been perched across his chest. “Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. We can’t leave without at least seeing what this guy is about.”

“Agreed,” Jacob nodded. “Let’s go. Maybe Aria will know something about how we can get to him.”

“Maybe,” Kaidan sighed. “Come on. Let’s resupply and get moving. Mordin, meet us at the ship.”

“Of course, Commander. Looking forward to it.”


	16. Chapter 16

“You are just full of questions today, Commander,” Aria smirked, surveying Kaidan down the bridge of her nose as he approached her once more. The thudding bass inside of Afterlife was getting to him more than it had the first time; painkillers were wearing off. “Heard you cured the plague. Anything you can’t do?”

Kaidan shrugged, settling into the seat she vaguely gestured toward. Miranda and Jacob sat beside him, keeping quiet for the moment. “Mordin needed our help, so we gave it. Wasn’t right to let people stay sick.”

“Hm. I have such a soft spot for the righteous hero types.”

Kaidan pulled a face at her, but her expression was impassive, so he just kept talking. “Anyway. I need to get to Archangel. Any idea how I could do that?”

“Archangel? You want him dead, too?” Aria scoffed, quirking an eyebrow at him.

“No. I want to recruit him. Heard he’s in deep with Omega’s gangs.”

“The ones that matter,” Aria nodded, resting her ankle on the opposite knee and leaning back. “He’s posted up in the Kima District. The Blue Suns, Eclipse, and Blood Pack all ganged up to pin him down and take him out. Getting to him won’t be easy.”

“Any suggestions?” Kaidan asked, smiling a bit. “You’re the Queen, after all.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” she replied, though her mouth tilted slightly before dropping again. “There’s a recruiter over in the corner.” She nodded toward a dark corner of the club, where a Batarian stood speaking to a group of young aliens and humans. “They’re taking volunteers as canon fodder. Might be the only way you get close enough to Archangel without getting shot before you can reach him.”

Kaidan grimaced, not thrilled at the idea of joining up with a gang. Even if it was only temporary. “I don’t know.”

“Well, if you think of a better idea, by all means,” Aria scoffed. “Otherwise, run along.”

Nothing came to mind, annoyingly. Kaidan huffed and got to his feet, eying the Batarian recruiter warily. “Alright. Thank you, Aria.”

She didn’t reply, so he walked away, shaking his head and silently wondering what the hell he was walking into.

* * *

Archangel and his partner were making a stand in an abandoned apartment building, overlooking an exposed bridge that was so tactically convenient it was almost too good to be true. For them, anyway. For Kaidan, he was a little concerned he and his team would be mowed down before they could even reach their target and explain themselves. The gangs of Omega had been sending recruits across the bridge, knowing they would be mowed down, in order to wear Archangel and partner down and use up their ammo.

Kaidan shook his head bitterly as he stood at the ready behind the barrier the gangs had created, Jacob and Miranda flanking him and the three of them surrounded by young recruits. It was disgusting, how easily their lives were being thrown away. Then again, they’d volunteered. Kaidan had to rationalize it, or he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He took a deep breath as one of the ranking gang members called for them to advance, then broke into a run with the rest of the group, all of them pelting onto the wide open bridge.

A spray of bullets took down a large group of recruits in front of Kaidan within the first moments of the assault, and he swore harshly, sprinting in a zigzag pattern to make himself harder to hit. “Take out the recruits!” he shouted into his comm, Jacob and Miranda beginning to open fire on the freelance troops around them. Kaidan looked up as the bullets from overhead stopped for a moment, two figures standing in the window of one of the apartments.

One was in blue armor, the shape of the helmet and shoulders visibly Turian. The other was harder to tell, clad in black with a helmet covering their face. Could be human, Asari, Batarian…impossible to know, especially from a distance. Despite their faces being covered, the two of them were clearly surprised at Kaidan and his team turning on the others, glancing at each other for a moment. After they’d gotten over the shock they resumed firing, avoiding Kaidan and the others and focusing on the freelancers.

Kaidan led the way into the apartment complex, taking out any recruits that had managed to get across the bridge amidst the chaos. Aside from a couple of stragglers, the assault had been an utter failure, most of the canon fodder dead and strewn across the bridge. Kaidan took the stairs up to the next floor of the complex two at a time, keeping his weapon drawn just in case either of their new friends were trigger happy. He still wasn’t sure what to think of the unknown partner. He opened the door to the apartment they were holed up in, stepping inside cautiously.

“Archangel?” he asked, and the Turian turned toward him, silent. What unnerved Kaidan more was his partner, whose head snapped up at the sound of Kaidan’s voice. He whirled around to stare at him, his helmet masking whatever expression he was wearing and making Kaidan more nervous. “…are one of you Archangel?” Kaidan repeated, slowly, holding his weapon more tightly.

“…Kaidan?”

One hundred thousand years could pass, and Kaidan would know that voice. It was warm whiskey burning in his throat, soft kisses whispered at his ear, strong hands pressed to his skin. He pulled off his helmet, because it seemed to be the thing to do, moving slowly like everything would disappear if he made a sudden move.

“John?” he murmured.

The man continued to stare for a moment, then reached and tore off his own helmet, and there he was. His hair had gotten long, scruffy and hanging over his ears and forehead. He looked tired, like ten years had passed instead of two. Everything else was the same. His eyes were still blue, his lips still full, his jaw still sharp and angular. He looked, pale, stricken, like he’d seen a ghost. Perhaps he had. Kaidan wasn’t sure yet.

John dropped his helmet to the ground, letting it clatter there carelessly, and approached Kaidan with slow steps. He pulled off his gloves, tossing them and his wrist plates to the ground as well, and reached to take Kaidan’s face into his bare hands. Kaidan kept perfectly still as Shepard’s fingertips traced his cheekbones, his brow, his lips and jaw. They curved underneath to his neck, pressing where his pulse beat strong and steady. That seemed to do it, and he let out a choked sob.

“Kaidan.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, and threw his arms around Shepard’s neck as the man yanked him close, kissing him so hard their teeth smashed together and their noses would probably be bruised.

He was home. He was fucking home.

“How?” Shepard breathed, shaky in between tears. “How?”

“It’s a long story,” Kaidan laughed weakly, reaching to wipe them away. “I’ll explain later, when we’re not gonna get shot.”

Shepard barely let him get the sentence out, kissing him hard again and wrapping him up tightly in his arms. “Fuck, Kaidan.”

Kaidan kissed him back, sliding his fingers into his overgrown hair and feeling like a thousand pound weight had just been lifted from his chest. “Missed you so much.”

“You’re telling me,” Shepard choked, half a laugh and half another weak sob. “Fuck.”

“Shepard.” Kaidan looked up, recognizing the voice of Garrus Vakarian. He’d taken off his helmet as well, his expression more gentle than Kaidan had ever seen from him. He looked exactly the same, though Kaidan wasn’t exactly sure how one could tell an aged Turian from a young one. “Normally I’d let you have a minute, but we’ve got another wave coming.”

“Right, shit,” Shepard sniffed, rubbing his eyes dry and reluctantly letting Kaidan go as he cleared his throat. “I’m good, I’m good.”

“Don’t have to be good, just have to shoot straight,” Garrus said fondly. He smiled as Kaidan followed Shepard toward the vantage point, reaching to clap his back. “It’s real good to see you, Kaidan. I know we weren’t best friends, but…the galaxy was emptier without you.”

Kaidan smiled back, though he couldn’t stop looking at Shepard for more than a second, like he was going to disappear if he did. He pressed close, wanting to put an arm around him but resisting. “Thanks, Garrus.”

Garrus nodded, watching the two of them for another moment, before turning toward the window again. “We’ll be butchered if we try to leave out the front,” he sighed, squinting out across the bridge still strewn with corpses. “We’ll need to hold this position until their defenses crack.”

Shepard stood nearly on top of Kaidan, even as he reloaded his weapon. His eyes were sharp, if a bit swollen from tears, as he surveyed the battlefield below. “Ah, I see them, they’re mustering behind the barrier,” he muttered, voice a little hoarse but otherwise back under control. “Fuckers have a mech.”

“I took care of that,” Miranda piped up, she and Jacob having been quiet until now. “Rearranged it’s targeting paremeters, it’ll turn on them and do some of our work for us.”

Shepard turned to look at her, raising a confused eyebrow like he’d just noticed that someone other than Kaidan was in the room. His eyes flitted down to the Cerberus symbol on Miranda’s chest, then swiveled to Kaidan as they sharpened. “Wha-”

“Explain later,” Kaidan promised, reaching to squeeze his hand. “Just trust me.”

Shepard paused, then nodded slowly and turned back toward the window, propping himself up with his weapon at the ready. “I do.”

The second wave came at them moments later, the gang leaders either not learning from their prevoius mistakes or just truly not caring about throwing so many lives away as they funneled recruits down the bridge. Kaidan, Miranda, and Jacob took up spots in the remaining windows of the apartment, though Kaidan stuck close to Shepard. They took out the freelancers easily at first, though more and more began to file through with bigger weapons and better armor. Soon it appeared that they were no longer only sending through recruits, but the higher up members as well. They didn’t go down as quickly, required more ammo to take out and even managed to fire a couple of shots up at Garrus and Shepard.

The pair of them were clearly getting tired, having to duck for cover often and catch their breath. Kaidan wondered how long they’d been at it. He peered out, swearing lowly as he saw the mech Miranda had tampered with stomping into the fray. “This better work,” he muttered, and only Shepard heard him, snorting quietly in response.

For a moment it looked like it might not, but then the mech’s guns turned on the gangsters surrounding it and opened fire, mowing them down with ease. “Fuck yeah!” Shepard grinned, eyes glittering as he watched the chaos. “Badass!”

“Good to know you’ve still got a hard-on for big guns,” Kaidan smirked, unable to help the giddy leaping in his chest despite the dire situation.

They only had another moment to celebrate, though, as a missile sailed through the air and obliterated the mech. In the same moment their ears were assaulted by roaring and rushing wind, a still in-tact window on the far side of the apartment bursting as it was pelted with bullets. A helicopter hovered outside, dropping troops and spraying the interior of the apartment with it’s own machine gun. Kaidan swore harshly and ducked for cover, slamming his back up against the back of a couch and reloading as quickly as he could.

“Well,” he drawled over the noise as Shepard slid into cover beside him. “This is a romantic reunion.”

“I certainly thought so,” Shepard scoffed, slamming a magazine into his rifle.

Kaidan grimaced as rapid gunfire began to tear apart the cushions of the couch, making it a less than viable option the more seconds went by. “Shit, these guys are seriously armed. A fucking helicopter?”

“Don’t get me started,” Shepard muttered, peering around the edge. “There’s a bookcase on your left. Head for it on three, I’ll go the other way.”

“Got it.”

Shepard counted up, and Kaidan took off at a sprint, ducking behind the bookcase just before bullets struck the ground where he’d been standing a second before. He stayed pressed against the bookcase for the moment, watching as Shepard reached behind the entertainment center that was his cover and pulled out what appeared to be a modified missile launcher. Kaidan wasn’t sure if it was the relief of reuniting, or if he had his own boner for big guns, but the sight of Shepard wielding that thing was…stupid hot.

The helicopter was out of sight for the moment, and the group of them were distracted by taking out the gangsters that had been air dropped, the close quarters making the situation hairier than usual. Kaidan decided to test out his biotics again, despite Miranda telling him to take it easy a little longer. He cast a Singularity on one of the large cabinets in the corner, lifting it and tossing it into a group of them. A couple went sprawling, one had his head split open. Kaidan hissed, feeling a bit of pain in the base of his skull, but not nearly as debilitating as it had been. Worth it.

He used his biotics at full power, almsot able to feel Miranda giving him a disapproving look. It felt good, though. He felt more competent than he had since fucking waking up, if he was honest. He could shoot a rifle, and he could shoot one well, but biotic combat was what felt most secure. Soon the last of the troops were down, and they had a second to catch their breath. The helicopter was still missing, and they kept an eye on the windows as they regrouped in the center of the apartment.

“Everyone alright?” Garrus asked, glancing around at them all.

“I’ll be better once we take that fucker out,” Shepard muttered, still holding onto the grenade launcher, his muscles straining with it’s weight, jaw clenched tightly with irritation.

Kaidan was way too gay for this.

“Troops have stopped coming from the bridge,” Jacob noted, peering out the window. “Either they ran out of guys, or they’re waiting for something.”

“Hm,” Garrus muttered. “That’s disconcerting.”

“ _Archangel_!”

Garrus’ head snapped toward the window, and he only had a moment to blink at the reappeared helicopter before bullets pelted the front of his armor. He stumbled back, losing his footing, as Kaidan and the rest dove for cover once more.

“You think you can fuck with the Blue Suns?!” the voice snarled, metallic and projected from the chopper, and Kaidan recognized it as the Blue Suns leader, Tarak, who he had met only briefly before the assault. “This ends _now_!”

Garrus pushed himself up to sit, crawling behind a splintered piece of furniture. His breaths were heavy but he seemed alright, until Tarak sent a missile sailing in his direction. It hit off-target, but closet enough to send Garrus sprawling and shrapnel flying dangerously close. He rolled several feet away from his previous position, and didn’t get back up.

“Garrus!” Shepard called sharply, staring like he was waiting for him to move. When he didn’t his expression pinched inward with rage, his eyes ablaze, and he stepped out of cover in that way that Kaidan hated. He held the missle laucher at the ready, gritting his teeth and firing it out the window and straight into one of the chopper’s blades. It fractured but didn’t break completely, so he shot another missile, and then another, and if Kaidan wasn’t so worried about him getting shot he would’ve been pretty fucking turned on by the whole display.

He shouted for John to get down, but it didn’t matter. A fourth missile sent the chopper spiraling, scraping the side of the building as it plummeted toward the ground and burst into flames on impact. Shepard looked around, eyes sharp, and dropped the weapon once it was clear that there were no more troops and no more bullets coming for them. He jogged toward Garrus, sliding the last few feet on his knees and rolling him onto his back. The Turian was alive, but coughing wetly, choking on blood.

The right side of his face was marled and burned, and upon further inspection, parts of his armor all down the right side of his body had been blown away. More burned skin, more blood that began to pool on the ground around him. Kaidan grimaced, checking his basic vitals on his omnitool. “He looks bad, Shepard.”

“We need a doctor,” Shepard snapped, his eyes fierce and helpless as he watched Garrus wheeze and hack, turning him onto his side in hopes that would make it easier.

Kaidan nodded, getting to his feet quickly. “Come on, Chakwas is back on the ship.

Shepard looked up at him, blinking in surprise. “Did I just have a stroke or did you say Chakwas?”

“I said Chakwas,” Kaidan scoffed. “Come on, carry Garrus. Let’s hurry, I’ll call Joker.”

“…right,” Shepard muttered, bending to haul Garrus into a fireman’s carry. “This is fucking weird.”

“Tell me about it,” Kaidan sighed, leading the way out of the apartment.

* * *

Garrus was going to be fine. It had been a little touch and go, or so Kaidan had heard from Chakwas, but he was already up and about again. Being interrogated by Jacob and Miranda, apparently, along with Shepard. Neither of them had agreed to join up yet, which Kaidan wasn’t surprised about. He’d been holed up in his cabin since bringing Shepard and Garrus onto the ship, happy to let John staying glued to his best friend’s side keep him from having a weird conversation. As a knock sounded on his cabin door, he was pretty sure that wasn’t going to last much longer.

He opened the door to John, clean and patched up, in a fresh set of clothes. He froze when he and Kaidan came face to face, his lips parted like he’d wanted to speak but had forgotten how.

“…come in,” Kaidan murmured after a long silence, stepping aside, and Shepard stepped through the threshold.

“Nice place,” Shepard commented awkwardly, standing in the center of the room with his arms folded over his chest.

“I hate it,” Kaidan snorted quietly, coming to stand in front of him. “It’s…too Cerberus.”

“Yeah.” Shepard frowned deeply, searching Kaidan’s face with sharp eyes. He skin was tinted blue from the fish tank, his eyes more piercing than usual. “Wanted to ask you about that.”

Kaidan grimaced, looking away, closing a palm over his amp. “It’s…complicated.”

“You were dead.” Shepard’s voice broke on the last word, but his expression didn’t waver. “You died. I buried you. I went to your funeral. I left flowers at your grave.”

Kaidan lifted his eyes to John’s, feeling like he was trying to stare directly into the sun. “I was dead. Cerberus…recovered my body. Brought me back to life. I only woke up recently.”

“Kaidan, that…” Shepard let out a shaky breath, passing a hand over his mouth. “That sounds insane.”

“I know,” Kaidan scoffed weakly, his shoulders tense as Shepard kept staring at him like…that. He wasn’t sure what to call the odd expression. “But it’s what they told me.”

“So you work for them now?” Shepard asked, his voice soft, like he was afraid to be too loud. “What about the Alliance?”

“Could ask you the same question,” Kaidan said, then grimaced when Shepard’s expression hardened. “I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t accusing.”

Shepard pursed his lips, shaking his head and putting his hands on his hips. “This isn’t about me. I’m trying to understand what the hell is going on.”

Kaidan nodded, taking a step toward him, reaching for him. Shepard tensed for a moment, then allowed Kaidan to take his hands and squeeze them. “I’m alive. Somehow,” Kaidan murmured, looking into Shepard’s eyes. “And I’m still me. I know I look a little…different. But I’m me. As me as I can be, anyway.”

Shepard nodded, stepping closer until they were toe to toe. “I believe you.”

Kaidan wanted to cry, but he didn’t. Not yet. “The Illusive Man is making moves against the Reapers, and another species they’re working with. The-”

“The Collectors,” Shepard supplied, nodding. “Heard of them. Was looking into it.”

Kaidan stared at him, then laughed shortly. “Of course you were,” he sighed, smiling when Shepard shrugged. “I heard that you tried to talk to the Council, and the Alliance. No one would listen. You got discharged.”

Shepard scowled, scoffing bitterly. “Yeah. They said it was for my health, but they just wanted to shut me up.”

“That’s why I’m using Cerberus,” Kaidan explained. “I’m using them to get the job done. I don’t work for them, alright? I swear.”

Shepard sighed slowly, resting his forehead against Kaidan’s. “Alright. I believe that, too.”

“Thank you.” Kaidan paused, swallowing thickly. “John, I’m so fucking glad to see you. But the Illusive Man, he wanted me to find you and recruit you. And I don’t think you should stay, it’s too dangerous. He wanted you to begin with, he told me.”

Shepard nodded, smirking humorlessly. “Yeah. Asshole really doesn’t take no for an answer. Resurrects your boyfriend to convince you if you say no the tenth time he asks for a favor.”

Kaidan laughed weakly, reaching to wrap his arms around Shepard’s neck. “Kinda clingy, if you ask me.”

John’s expression fell into something haunted. “Kaidan,” he whispered. “On Virmire, I…god, Kaidan. I didn’t mean to let you die. I let you die.”

“You were so close,” Kaidan murmured back fervently, holding him tighter. “You were so close, John, it just was the way it happened. The bomb went off, there was nothing either of us could do.”

Shepard shook his head, closing his eyes as silent tears spilled and he wound his arms around Kaidan’s waist. “Should’ve been faster. Failed you.”

“I was the one who set it off. And you saved Ashley,” Kaidan insisted. “I’m glad that you did.”

Shepard didn’t argue with that, just swallowed audibly and sniffed as more tears fell. Kaidan pulled his sleeve over his hand and wiped them away with the soft material of his hoodie, smiling shakily. Shepard didn’t return it, but he did take a deep breath, getting a hold of himself and nodding once.

“I’m gonna stay.”

“Shepard,” Kaidan sighed, pulling a face.

“No,” Shepard interrupted, frowning at him. “I want to be here to help you. Garrus will stay if I do. We can help you keep an eye on Cerberus. And we’ve got some intel that might help you.”

Kaidan didn’t like it one fucking bit, especially not the fact that the Illusive Man was getting his goddamn way after all. Shepard looked determined, though, and god, Kaidan had missed him so fucking much.

“Alright,” he agreed, resting his head against Shepard’s chest. He smiled slightly when Shepard slowly threaded his fingers into his hair, gently kissing the top of his head. “Alright. Thank you, John.”


	17. Chapter 17

Something about curling up with Shepard, so familiar and comforting, in his strange Cerberus cabin made Kaidan’s head spin. Didn’t make it any less of a relief, though, as he rested his head on John’s chest, listening to his heart beat and closing his eyes to enjoy the fingers in his hair. They’d been silent for nearly a full hour, both of them realizing how tired they were once John had agreed to stay with Kaidan. They’d crawled into bed and hadn’t moved since, clinging to and reassuring each other.

“Kaidan?” Shepard whispered into the silence.

Kaidan opened his eyes. “Yeah.”

“I…so you…” John paused, carefully choosing his words as always. “When you say that they brought you back…what does that mean? I mean that explosion, it…you would’ve been…” He cut himself off.

Kaidan propped himself up, arms folded on top of Shepard’s chest, to get a good look at his face. “I’ll be honest, Shepard, I don’t understand it much, myself,” he admitted softly. “But from my understanding, a lot of it was done with my DNA. Y’know…regrowing and…stuff.” Fuck, that sounded even weirder out loud. “So, like…I bleed. And have working organs, and stuff like that.”

“So you’re human, still,” Shepard said softly, searching his eyes.

Kaidan opened his mouth, then slowly closed it. “I…I…” He stuttered, not sure how to answer that. Was he? What did it mean to be human? Wasn’t he technically man-made, living organs mixed with synthetic enhancements he probably wasn’t even aware of? Just because something bled, didn’t make it human.

“Kaidan,” Shepard murmured, frowning deeply at him. “Kaidan, you need to breathe.”

“Sorry,” Kaidan gasped, only just realizing he was having another panic attack. Great. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Hey.” John pushed himself up to sit and Kaidan followed, bracing his hands on the mattress and trying to even out his breath. John’s hands found his cheeks and tilting up his head, their eyes meeting. “Everything’s alright, K. I’m sorry. Everything’s okay.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, focusing on Shepard’s eyes and rough palms against his cheeks. Eventually the panic attack subsided on it’s own and he relaxed, feeling wrung out and a little shaky. “Sorry,” he mumbled again. “I’m, uh. Adjusting. Apparently.”

“Don’t.”

Kaidan didn’t like the look on Shepard’s face. He looked haunted, guilty, maybe a little bit sick. Kaidan didn’t want to sicken him.

“Shepard-”

“I should go,” John murmured, his hands falling away as he got to his feet. “You need to rest, you look exhausted.”

“I can rest with y-”

“I need to check on Garrus,” Shepard interrupted, avoiding his eyes.

Kaidan’s face burned and he dropped his eyes to his own hands, twisting in his lap as his fingertips prickled. “Okay,” he whispered. He felt Shepard watching him for another moment, before dropping a kiss on top of his head and leaving the cabin. Probably couldn’t leave fast enough, Kaidan mused bitterly.

Of course everything would be different. It had been two years. Shepard had buried him. Kaidan was working with terrorists, was only a shadow of himself. A regrown, manufactured copy. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, missing Shepard’s warmth already, and squeezed his eyes shut as they stung.

* * *

“The Illusive Man wants to speak to you and Shepard together.”

Kaidan gave Miranda a suspicious look. He’d taken a shower and gotten his shit together since his conversation with Shepard, feeling a bit more stable but no less anxious. “Together?”

“Of course. You’re the faces of humanity, now, aren’t you?” The way she said it was almost sarcastic. Kaidan couldn’t help the humorless snort.

“That’s a little melodramatic, even for him.”

Miranda smirked just slightly, but quickly wiped it. “Hurry. I’ve already informed Shepard, he’ll be on his way shortly.”

“Fine.”

He gathered his courage for a moment, trying to convince himself that facing Shepard wouldn’t be weird. They just had some shit to work through, that was all. Everything would be alright soon. He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders before marching out the door.

He met Shepard outside of the communication chamber, smiling awkwardly. “Hey,” he greeted, voice quiet.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” John asked, giving him a quick once-over.

“I’m alright. Sorry about that,” he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “That was embarrassing.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s a strange situation,” John soothed, speaking lowly so they wouldn’t be heard. “I’m sorry for taking off.”

Kaidan smiled weakly, giving him a slight nod. “It’s okay. Just…some weird shit to work through, eh?”

“Yeah,” Shepard scoffed quietly.

They passed into the chamber together, the platform lighting up and automatically connecting them to the Illusive Man as they stepped on. Shepard’s brow hardened when the projection flickered to life, his arms crossing over his chest.

“Commander Alenko. And Shepard,” the Illusive Man greeted, his crooked smile far too self-satisfied for Kaidan’s liking. “I’m pleased we’re finally speaking. We went through great pains to get in touch.”

“Yeah,” Shepard drawled, quirking an eyebrow. “I’d say resurrecting one of my squadmates and sending him to pick me up qualifies as ‘great pains.’ You really know how to woo a guy.”

The Illusive Man took a drag of his cigarette, taking his time exhaling a plume of smoke before speaking. Kaidan could already see Shepard’s eye twitching. “While it’s true we had hoped that Commander Alenko would assist us in recruiting you to our cause, that isn’t the only reason that we made him the focus of the Lazarus project. As I’m sure you can attest to, he’s a model soldier. One of the best examples of the strength and good of humanity. On top of that, he’s a martyr.”

“What?” Kaidan scoffed. “A martyr?” He glanced at Shepard, but he was staring intently at the Illusive Man, jaw clenched.

“You died for the cause. And now that you’ve been given back your life, you’re willing to do it again,” the Illusive Man explained. “That is the type of man that we need as the face of our organization. And you, Shepard, are an example of humanity’s power and strong will. Our willingness to get the job done, no matter the cost. Even if it costs us someone we love.”

Shepard’s back and shoulders went rigid. “Watch it,” he hissed through his teeth. “You don’t know me.”

The Illusive Man tilted his head, his eyes boring into Shepard’s but his expression impassive. After the two of them had had their staring contest, he straightened up in his chair, tapping ash off of his cigarette. “I have another dossier for you, Commander. I’d like you and Shepard to work together as often as possible. I’m sure you won’t object.”

“I’d like to know what you’re implying,” Shepard snapped venomously.

“Shepard,” Kaidan murmured. “Relax.”

John glanced at him, his lip curled back in a snarl. He didn’t speak again though, his arms folding tighter as he went silent. The Illusive Man smirked a bit wider, but Kaidan could deal with him being smug if it meant Shepard didn’t give away more than was wise.

“As I said. I have another dossier for you,” the Illusive Man resumed. “The name is Subject Zero, but she currently goes by Jack. She’s being held on the Turian prison ship Purgatory, and we have arranged for her release. You’re to go to Purgatory and retrieve her.”

“A prisoner?” Kaidan asked. “What is she in for?”

“We don’t have much further information. Only that she is the most powerful known human biotic and is extremely dangerous.”

“…great,” Shepard deadpanned. “So we’re recruiting a woman that has a history of unknown levels of violence and is a crazy powerful biotic. This can’t possibly go wrong.”

“I’m sure you’ve both seen worse,” the Illusive Man pointed out. “If we can recruit her to our cause, she’ll be a powerful ally.”

“Just give me the coordinates,” Kaidan huffed. “Let’s get this over with.”

* * *

As odd as things were between them, Kaidan found that his nerves were diminished considerably with Shepard beside him in the shuttle. They’d decided to go the operation alone, as it was pretty much just a grab-and-go rather than combat. Kaidan watched out the window as they approached Purgatory, an enormous, insect-like ship with rigid legs jutting off of it’s core. Cell blocks, probably. Kaidan reached, taking Shepard’s hand and lacing their fingers tightly. Shepard squeezed back, the material of their gloves squeaking softly, and Kaidan was more relieved to feel it than he’d like to admit.

“John,” he murmured, glancing over at him. “…the Illusive Man knows. About us.”

“I gathered that,” John sighed, frowning deeply. “How? Did you tell him?”

“No,” Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes. “What, you think I’m stupid?”

“I’m just asking.”

“No, I didn’t tell him. I think…Joker seems to think that he had someone watching you, back when we were hunting Saren. Like maybe a plant.”

“We were careful,” Shepard argued.

“Not as careful as we thought. Chakwas knew, too,” Kaidan sighed softly.

“…shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t like that,” Shepard admitted. “I don’t want him to have that to use against either of us.”

Kaidan nodded, squeezing his hand tighter. “I know. I don’t like it either. Do we just…keep pretending?”

“I guess,” John sighed. “Better than just giving the fucker what he wants. What does he want, a poster couple?”

Kaidan couldn’t help laughing at that, mostly giddy at Shepard calling them a couple. It made the strangeness seem like less of a threat. “Oh, man. Are we a celebrity couple, now? What’s our couple name?”

“Couple name?”

“You know, where they smash the people’s names together.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Come on, I’m serious! Jaidan? Alenkard?”

“Those are fucking terrible, stop it.”

Kaidan snickered as the shuttle docked in Purgatory’s bay, the pair of them crawling out and into the station. They approached a guard posted in front of the entrance, keeping their weapons holstered.

“Welcome to the Purgatory,” the guard greeted. “Your package is being prepped, and you can claim it shortly. Please relinquish your weapons. Security protocol.”

“Can’t do that,” Kaidan replied immediately.

“Everyone stand down.” Kaidan peered over the guard’s shoulder, another Turian approaching them quickly. “Commander, I’m Warden Kuril, and this is my ship. I assure you, your weapons will be returned on your way out. This is simply standard procedure.”

“It’s not happening,” Shepard spoke up, his voice hard. “The Commander said we keep ‘em.” Kaidan lifted his chin a little higher, having to fight the smile. It felt good to have Shepard so vehemently support him, was all.

Kuril stared hard at them both, his eyes flitting between them, before his expression relaxed all at once. “Let them proceed,” he instructed the previous guard. “Our facility is more than secure enough to handle two armed guests.” He nodded as the guards proceeded to unlock the door behind him. “We’re bringing Jack out of cryo. As soon as the funds clear you can be on your way. Please follow me to out-processing.”

Kaidan nodded, he and Shepard exchanging a look before following Kuril farther into the facility. They emerged into a long hallway, lined by glass windows on the right wall. Through them, Kaidan could see the prison itself, though it didn’t look like any prison he’d ever seen. More like a storage facility. “Where are the cells?” he wondered aloud.

“You’re looking at them,” Kuril explained, nodding to the metal pods Kaidan had mistaken for storage bins. “Each cell is a self-contained, modular unit. I’ve blown a few out the airlock as an example.” Kaidan grimaced at the back of the man’s head. He almost sounded proud. “The ship is comprised of 30 cell blocks identical to this one. We keep tight control over the population.”

“Seems expensive,” Shepard snorted, peering out onto the cell block. “Bet people try pretty hard to escape.”

“We’re in space,” Kuril said. “They have nowhere to go. And they know it. Still, we do exercise extreme caution. We house dangerous, violent criminals exclusively.”

“Can you tell us anything about Jack?” Kaidan asked.

“Only that she’s the meanest, most violent individual I’ve encountered. Crazy, and powerful. You’ll have your hands full.”

“Great.”

They came to the end of the hall, Kuril pausing outside of the door leading to the next wing. “Just keep going past the interrogation room and the supermax wing,” he explained. Kaidan noticed John’s shoulders go tense in his periphery, and glanced at him curiously.

“You’re letting us go on our own? Thought you were high security,” Shepard asked, squinting at the Turian.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” Kuril said dismissively, turning away from them and walking back down the hall.

Kaidan frowned, eying Shepard again as the passed through to the next wing. “What’s up?”

“I don’t like this,” Shepard murmured, his eyes sharp and flitting from side to side. “Keep your guard up.”

Kaidan didn’t argue, sweeping the area with his own gaze as the pair of them continued along. If Shepard said he was suspicious, Kaidan would take his word for it. John had a gut instinct for these things that Kaidan wasn’t sure he shared. They passed by more cells, keeping their eyes forward as the prisoners inside beat on the doors and shouted obscenities at them.

They entered the out-processing suite, finding the desks inside empty. Shepard grunted lowly, expression darkening further. “Careful,” he muttered, and Kaidan nodded, tense as they slowly proceeded inside. The door slid shut behind them with a sharp hiss, a dull thunk sounding as it locked. “…fuck.”

“Apologies, gentlemen,” Kuril’s voice said over the intercom. “You’re far more valuable as prisoners than customers.” A door on the far end of the room opened to reveal a pod, not unlike the ones they’d just seen out in the cell block. “Drop your weapons and step inside this cell, and you won’t be harmed.”

“Fuck you,” Shepard scoffed, glaring up at the ceiling.

Kuril didn’t seem to waste any time calling for backup, as Kaidan and Shepard only had a few moments to find cover before guards were filing into the out-processing suite. Bullets pelted the walls and the desks they were hiding behind. Kaidan squinted at one that tinkled to the ground, noting that they were only stunning rounds. Kuril really did want to sell them off, not kill them. Sick fuck.

The two of them made quick work of the prison guards, Kaidan admiring how quick and accurate with a gun Shepard had gotten in his time gone rogue. Fuck, the bad boy thing really worked on him.

“Reinforce out-processing! Alenko and Shepard are loose!”

“Shit,” Kaidan hissed.

“Let’s move, we need to get Jack and get out quickly,” Shepard said sharply. “Before they overwhelm us. Can you use your biotics?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kaidan nodded, following him back out the door with his rifle at the ready. “Just a little twinge.”

Shepard gave him an unsure glance from the corner of his eye, but didn’t argue. “Alright. So, how do we get Jack out? We don’t even know which cell is hers.”

Kaidan frowned, glancing out onto the cell block through the glass window. “I don’t know. Maybe there’s a control console somewhere?”

“Good place to start,” Shepard shrugged. “Come on, let’s move. I hear shouting.”

They continued down the hall, feet moving quickly. Their boots made noisy, metallic clangs every step they took. Good news for them, as it meant that they’d be able to hear any guards coming a mile away. Bad news for them, because the guards would hear them coming, as well.

Sure enough, footsteps sounded from behind them, giving them a few extra seconds of warning, and Kaidan whirled around, lifting the couple of guards that had caught up with them into the air. His amp twinged, an ache spreading through the base of his skull, but he ignored it in favor of tossing the guards into the far wall. They connected with a sick thud, then fell in a motionless heap.

“Nice,” Shepard complimented, giving him an appreciative smirk and looking him up and down. Kaidan bit back the grin.

“Easy, tiger.”

Finally, they approached a platform that appeared to be meant for overseeing the entire block at once, a large expanse of glass the only thing between them and the rows and rows of pods. In the center of the platform was a console station, and Kaidan approached it, frowning as he worked out the controls. “No way to know which cell is Jack’s,” he noted, glancing up at Shepard.

Shepard hummed quietly, curling his fingers around his chin as he frowned thoughtfully out at the pods. “…we could always open all of them.”

Kaidan blinked once, hard. “You wanna open all the cells in a max security prison. At once.”

“You got a better idea?” Shepard drawled, quirking a manicured eyebrow at him.

Kaidan huffed, half pouting and half scowling, before turning back toward the console. “Fine. Get ready.”

He pressed the release button, and he and Shepard watched tensely as all of the pods throughout Purgatory slowly opened. Their attention was caught by a large, crane-like mechanical arm reached down and pulled a cryo tube up from the floor with a noisy hiss. It opened to reveal a still-sleeping woman with her arms and legs strapped down, short but thickly muscled. She was bare from the waist up, apart from a strap of leather across her chest. Every visible inch of her skin, apart from her face, was tattooed, her head shaved to a soft buzz. Her eyes opened with a snap, her expression instantly enraged as she began to glow electric blue.

“Oh, shit,” Kaidan breathed, back away from the glass. “Get back, get back.” He and Shepard turned away, shielding their faces as the glass wall burst from the force of Jack’s biotic kick. She’d destroyed her shackles, as well, and was facing off with three security mechs when Kaidan could get a good look again. Before he could suggest they rush down to help, she let out a feral shout, her lip curled back to bare her teeth as she obliterated the mechs in one burst of power. Kaidan could feel it raising the hairs on his arms and neck even from a distance. Once her opponents were destroyed, Jack took off at a sprint, clearly intent on escape.

“Fuck, come on,” Shepard hissed, whirling around and running back down the hall. “Let’s catch up with her!”

“Right behind you!”

They hurried to the lower level, following a trail of chaos that Jack was leaving in her wake. Fires, destroyed pods and mechs, and dead guards all led them on a winding path through the facility. Kuril’s voice sounded on the intercoms once more, shouted for the remaining prison guards to restore order with lethal force, but not to kill Jack. A second voice, automated and female, announced cell blocks one by one as they lost life support from all of the damage.

Kaidan could certainly see why, when they emerged onto one of the blocks and nearly got knocked the hell out by a falling cell pod. The place was in flames, pods destroyed and debris littered everywhere. The place was lit up red from the emergency lights. The lockdown siren blared in Kaidan’s ears, and he grimaced, knowing for damn sure this was gonna lead to a migraine. He was overdue, anyway.

“All prisoners get back into your cells or I’ll open every goddamn airlock on this ship!”

“Someone’s testy,” Shepard called over the din, and Kaidan snorted.

They continued to fight through the facility, the guards no longer using stunners but actual bullets. The automated voice kept updating them on the degradation of the ship’s systems, and Kaidan clenched his jaw when it announced a hull breach. “Fuck, John, we have to hurry.”

They rounded a corner and came face to face Kuril, looking bloody and haggard with a shotgun in his hand. He snarled, and Kaidan barely dodged the shot.

“You two are more trouble than you’re worth,” Kuril snapped. “But at least I can recapture Jack.”

“Not happening,” Kaidan snapped, ducking behind a pile of debris beside Shepard. “You’re nothing but a two bit slave trader, Kuril!”

“I do the hard things that civil governments aren’t willing to do! For the good of the galaxy!”

Something about that seemed to throw Shepard, who frowned deeply and froze in place for a moment. Kaidan nudged him roughly before leaning out of cover, firing a few rounds and managing to send Kuril stumbling back a few steps. “Wake up, John, help me out!”

John snapped out of it at once, propping himself up on one knee and firing a deadly accurate shot. It struck Kuril in the center of his forehead, and the warden staggered a few steps before collapsing sideways. Kaidan let out a slow breath, eying John as he got to his feet.

“Are you alright? You zoned out for a second.”

“I’m fine,” Shepard said firmly. His eyes flitted upward, and Kaidan followed his gaze, spotting the same thing he did. Jack, dashing down the hall above them, taking out guards as she went.

“Shit, go.”

They took off sprinting once more, desperate to catch up to Jack before she got herself killed or reached the shuttle and fucking stole it. They finally found her in the docking bay, facing off with a couple of prison guards. She looked exhausted, probably still recovering from coming fresh out of cryo. Shepard and Kaidan raised their weapons, taking out the two guards within seconds. Jack straightened, spinning around to face them.

Her eyes instantly flitted to the emblems on their armor, and her face went pale. Her expression was enraged, her teeth still bared and her fists tight. Kaidan could see how they shook though, and how her eyes flitted about. She was petrified.

“What the hell do you want?” she snapped, her voice strong and masking her fear.

“You’re in a bad situation. We want to get you out of here,” Kaidan told her, holstering his weapon. He could feel Shepard glaring absolute daggers at him for putting his gun away, but ignored him.

“Shit, you sound like a pussy,” Jack snorted, sneering at him. Her shoulders were still squared, ready for a fight. “I’m not going anywhere with you, Cerberus.”

“We’re not Cerberus,” Kaidan insisted. Shepard kept quiet, clearly content to let him do the talking. “Not technically.”

“You show up in Cerberus armor, with a Cerberus shuttle, to take me away somewhere. You think I’m fucking stupid?”

“No, I think you’re smart to be suspicious.”

“Compliments aren’t gonna get you anywhere, pretty boy. I’m not some bitch at a bar you can sweet talk the pants off of,” Jack snapped.

Kaidan ignored that. “Look. Let’s try this again. I’m Kaidan, this is Shepard. We’re in a temporary alliance with Cerberus to address a galaxy wide threat, and we need your help. But we do not work for them.”

Jack narrowed her eyes at him, searching his face, and Kaidan kept silent as he let her. She glanced over his shoulder, taking in the flames and destruction, then peered out the window at the shuttle, and the Normandy off in the distance. “There’s nothing stopping me from taking you out and stealing your shuttle,” she eventually said lowly. “You want me to come with you, make it worth my while.”

“What did you have in mind?” Kaidan asked warily.

“I bet your ship’s got lots of Cerberus databases,” Jack said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I wanna look at those files. See what Cerberus has got on me. Then, I’ll join.”

Kaidan thought for a moment, then nodded once. “Fine. I’ll give you full access.” He ignored Shepard snorting softly beside him.

Jack stared at him for another moment, then straightened her back all at once, releasing her arms. “Then why the hell are we standing here?”

“Let’s go,” Shepard murmured, nodding toward the shuttle. Kaidan followed him, and Jack watched them closely for a silent moment, before trailing along behind.


	18. Chapter 18

Kaidan was laid up in bed for almost the entire next day following Jack’s recruitment, the migraine he’d anticipated hitting him like a truck. Not the worst he’d ever had, but bad enough he downed as many painkillers as he could safely manage and just slept the storm away. He woke in the early evening, blinking slowly up at the ceiling as he did a quick assessment of himself. Sitting up slowly, he didn’t notice any residual pain, just felt a bit groggy, and he let out a sigh of relief.

“Kaidan.”

“Jesus,” Kaidan gasped, nearly leaping out of his skin as he noticed Shepard sitting across the room, perched on the leather couch with a datapad balanced on his legs. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” John laughed quietly, setting the pad aside and coming to sit beside him. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Kaidan nodded, rubbing his eyes blearily with the heels of his palms. “How long have you been here?”

“Since this morning. Miranda was looking for you so I came to get you, but you were already passed out.”

Kaidan snorted softly. “Oh, right. Probably should’ve debriefed before I took meds. Then again, the Illusive Man can bite me, so.”

Shepard snickered softly, nudging him. He was still sitting a respectful distance away, and Kaidan scooted to close the gap, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. John paused before draping an arm over Kaidan’s shoulders in return.

“I gave him the basics of what happened,” Shepard said, voice still soft. It rumbled deep in his chest when he was that quiet. “Miranda’s fucking pissed at you, by the way.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “What’d I do now?”

“Gave a convict access to Cerberus databases.”

“Oh, right, that. Well, she can bite me, too.”

A quiet laugh, and gentle pressure as John rested his chin on top of Kaidan’s head. “Miranda seems alright, though. Bit stiff, but alright.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan admitted, a little begrudgingly. “She’s alright.”

“I kinda have to like her. She brought you back to life. That kind of favor at least deserves a fruit basket.”

Kaidan grinned, pressing closer. “Maybe a bottle of wine, too.”

“Yeah, she seems like a wine girl.”

Kaidan sat up, tugging Shepard with him until they were both lying down face to face with their legs entangled and arms draped over each other. They were quiet for a while, just looking at each other, Kaidan taking note of every new scar on Shepard’s face. Though, maybe the memory of them had just been lost to him during his rebirth. He shoved that thought down before he could have another existential crisis.

“Heard you managed to defeat Saren,” he murmured eventually. “And Sovereign. Knew you could.”

Shepard hummed, his mouth an impassive line. “Yeah, we got it done.”

Kaidan reached to run his fingers through his hair, realizing he’d never done that before. It had always been buzzed. Now it was pin straight, soft brown, and silky between his fingers. If Kaidan pushed it back, he could see the edge of the scar on his hairline. “Joker said…well. Joker said you weren’t doing so great.”

“Did he?” Shepard asked dryly. “Didn’t realize he was my shrink.”

“John.”

Shepard sighed quietly, his eyes flitting away from Kaidan’s. “Of course I wasn’t ‘doing great,’ Kaidan. I got you killed.”

“You didn’t-”

“And then on top of that, the Council took the fucking siege and wrote it off as Geth bullshit. They’re trying to pretend the threat isn’t real. Like the Reapers aren’t real, as if they didn’t see one right in front of their fucking eyes,” Shepard snapped, voice still quiet but speech becoming more rapid the more frustrated he grew. “I-shit. I guess I could’ve handled it better, but I just had nothing left to fucking give.”

Kaidan was silent for a long moment. “Why did you get discharged?” he asked softly.

“Because Anderson thinks he’s my fucking father,” Shepard grunted.

“That’s not an answer.”

“They said I was too close to everything and discharged me when I refused to take a backseat.” John huffed, letting Kaidan go and rolling onto his back. Kaidan propped himself up on an elbow so he could still see his face. “Anderson expressed concerns and then I was out.”

“Are you still a Spectre?”

“Yeah. Guess they wanted to keep their human attack dog around. Works for me, I’ve been able to get shit done.”

Kaidan frowned, not liking the way Shepard was talking, and resumed carding his fingers through his hair, scratching gently at his scalp. “What happened after everything? What did you do?”

John’s face became carefully blank, so Kaidan knew to expect bullshit. “Nothing, I guess.”

“Really.”

“Kaidan.”

“Don’t _Kaidan_ me,” he frowned. “We’ve been through a lot and I’m just trying to keep my head above water, here. I need you to talk to me.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Shepard reiterated with a snap, glowering at him. Kaidan glared right back. “What do you want to hear?”

“The truth,” Kaidan insisted. “I wouldn’t have been okay if it was you that had died.”

“Fine, fuck,” Shepard huffed, pushing himself up to sit. He worked his jaw from side to side irritably, before finally relaxing. Kaidan stayed where he was, propped up on his side and watching him closely. “I say I did nothing at first because I just…sat in my apartment and…wallowed, I guess. It’s fucking embarrassing. But I guess I lost you, and then I lost the Alliance, and…I didn’t really know what the point of anything was, anymore. Felt like I’d had all my power, all my energy, fucking stripped from me.”

Shepard leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees with his back facing Kaidan, eyes on the far wall, as he continued. “Missed you. Didn’t know I could miss anyone that much. But it sat in my chest, I could almost feel it like there was a weight there. And I felt like such a bastard because I made the call that killed you.”

“I wish you would stop saying that,” Kaidan murmured. “That call saved Ashley.”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded with a heavy sigh. “Yeah, it did. And I’m glad for that. It…I’ve gone through it in my head, a thousand times. And objectively, it was the right call. I was nearly to her when I called you. It wouldn’t have made sense for me to go all the way back. If I’d done that…hell, you both might’ve died.”

Kaidan nodded along as he listened to John reason through, though he didn’t sound fully convinced of his own words. He sat up, pressing his chest up against John’s back and wrapping his arms around him. Shepard rested a hand where Kaidan’s folded over his stomach. “You’re right, John. It was the right call. I’m happy that you made it, that I can trust you to do the right thing. You’re a good man.”

Shepard grimaced bitterly, shaking his head. “You always say that. Even though we both know it’s bullshit.”

“I don’t know that.”

“Why are you comforting me?” John asked angrily, finally turning to look at him. “Why do you always fucking do that? You’re the one who’s gone through hell, fuck, Kaidan.”

“Sh,” Kaidan whispered, keeping his arms around him and pressing forehead gently to John’s temple. They were quiet for a while, Shepard breathing agitatedly through his nose but not pulling away, Kaidan trying to soothe him. Eventually he spoke again. “Tell me about how you and Garrus ended up on Omega.”

Shepard snorted softly, seeming a little calmer for the moment. “He was about as pissed as I was at the Council ignoring everything. And I guess he got sick of me sitting around my apartment drunk all the time, too, so-”

“Drunk?” Kaidan asked, blinking hard. “Wh-”

“So,” Shepard continued quickly, like he’d realized his mistake. Kaidan gave him a suspicious look, but left it for another time. “He came to me one day and said he quit C-sec and had a lead on a drug supplier on Omega. Wanted to know if I wanted to join him, take down some tangible threats and do some good. Sounded like a hell of a distraction, so I took him up on it.”

“Figured Garrus would quit C-sec eventually,” Kaidan hummed. “He always seemed so…frustrated.”

“That’s an understatement,” Shepard scoffed fondly. “He hates all the limits and rules and politics. I can relate. Though, if you can believe it, I mellow him out a bit.”

“I can’t believe it,” Kaidan smirked. “But I’ll take your word for it.”

Shepard nudged him gently with his shoulder, the corner of his mouth quirking a bit. “Anyway. So we head to Omega. Figured out how bad the gang problem actually is, there. Garrus took on his dramatic ass codename and used it to recruit us a squad. It went well for a long time, we pissed off nearly every fucker on that rock,” Shepard chuckled, then it faded into a frown. “We got screwed over, though. Not long before you showed up, actually.”

“What happened?”

“One of our guys fucked us. Gave me and Garrus a false lead and left the rest of the squad open to be slaughtered by the Blue Suns.” Shepard sighed heavily, rubbing his face. “By that time, we learned that they’d also allied temporarily with Blood Pack and Eclipse and they were planning on taking us out. So we holed up and…that’s when you showed up. Like a goddamn angel,” he grinned.

Kaidan snorted, cheeks turning a little pink. “Sap.” He was silent for a while, arms hanging loosely around Shepard’s neck. “Have you spoken to Ash recently?”

Shepard’s face fell a bit, and he shook his head. “No. Haven’t spoken to anyone, really. Couldn’t risk it. …miss her.”

Kaidan nodded, frowning deeply. “Me, too.”

John turned to look at him, and Kaidan pecked his lips softly, briefly. It felt so nice, though, warm and comforting. Kaidan leaned in for more, his arms winding a bit more tightly around John’s neck as he kissed him. Shepard went still, his hands resting on Kaidan’s hips. He returned the kiss, but it was tentative, like he was nervous or holding back. Kaidan slid to straddle his lap, holding him tightly, needy as he tried to get him to react.

“John,” he murmured against his mouth, pressing his hips down onto Shepard’s. “I missed you so much. Please.”

Shepard took a shuddering breath, backing off a bit. “I can’t,” he whispered, brows pulled in tight. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“Just what?” Kaidan pressed, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “Why not?”

“I just can’t,” Shepard sighed, face pinched as if he were in pain. “I’m sorry. It doesn’t…feel right.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Kaidan asked desperately, holding onto John tighter when he started to stand. “Don’t leave, John, please.”

“I’m not trying to upset you,” Shepard insisted, sitting back down but pulling himself out of Kaidan’s arms. “This is just too…I just have to adjust, still. That’s all. I don’t think I’m ready to go back to how it was, yet.”

Kaidan had a pretty good idea of what exactly Shepard had to adjust to. He was suddenly hyper aware of the lighter shade of his eyes, the scars on his face, all of them new. He must have looked half-stitched to Shepard, like an unfinished Cerberus Frankenstein’s monster.

“Right,” he murmured eventually. “Of course. Sorry, I didn’t mean to…I’m just sorry.”

Shepard squeezed his hand, and Kaidan tried to take comfort in the contact.

* * *

“Gentlemen, I think we have them.”

Kaidan was honestly getting a little tired of listening to the Illusive Man congratulate himself. “Please enlighten us,” he sighed, Shepard folding his arms across his chest beside him.

“Another colony in the Terminus Systems, Horizon, just went silent,” the Illusive Man explained, ignoring his tone. “It’s a prime target for attack, if it isn’t already in trouble. Does Dr. Solus have a solution for the seeker swarms?”

“Not yet,” Kaidan sighed. “He’s still working on it.”

“Hm. Let’s hope he works well under pressure,” the Illusive Man mused, taking a brief drag of his cigarette. “There’s something else you should know. One of your former crewmates, Ashley Williams, is stationed at the colony.”

Kaidan hoped his face hadn’t given away how quickly his heart leapt. “But-she’s Alliance. Why would she be all the way out in the Terminus Systems?”

“Officially,” the Illusive Man scoffed, “it’s an outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies. But they’re up to something. Big, if they’ve sent Chief Williams.”

Kaidan stole a quick glance at Shepard, who looked thoughtful but otherwise didn’t react. “Send the coordinates,” he said, looking back toward the Illusive Man. “We’ll head there right there away.”

“This is the most warning we’ve ever had, gentlemen. Good luck.”

* * *

Horizon was eerily quiet as Kaidan stepped off of the shuttle, Shepard and Garrus beside him. Garrus had been eager to get back out in the field, and away from Chakwas, as he put it. He had a nice scar, now, covering most of the right side of his face, but Kaidan thought he wore it pretty well. Guy like Garrus just suited gnarly scars like that.

“Hm,” Garrus hummed, surveying the deserted colony. “Think we might be too late.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, inclining his head. “Let’s look around.”

They advanced into the colony, Kaidan feeling tense as the silence practically roared in his ears.

“Anybody else hear buzzing?” Shepard asked, frowning.

“Think you’ve had one too many head injuries, Shepard,” Garrus snorted.

“No, I hear it, too,” Kaidan murmured, holding up a hand for them to be quiet. A soft buzz, like a fly some distance away, tickled his eardrums. The longer they listened, the louder it became, and then a cloud of seekers began to come quickly toward them from across the colony. They were fast, and bigger than Kaidan expected, nearly as big as his hand. “Shit.”

“Let’s hope Mordin’s anti-seeker toys work,” Shepard snorted, watching the swarm tensely. “Or else we’re boned.”

The seekers approached, and Kaidan readied his weapon, but the insects flew past them, continuing on through in search of stray colonists. Kaidan let out a quiet breath, straightening up. “Well. Guess it works. They didn’t see us.”

“Makes our lives easier.”

They found no signs of life as they searched the living units throughout Horizon, which Kaidan would use as an excuse for why he nearly pissed himself when they almost tripped over a dead husk. “Fuck me!”

Shepard snorted a little, blinking at him. “Uh, you good?”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan huffed, clearing his throat and glaring at him. “Shut up.”

“So, they’re…what, turning colonists into husks?” Garrus mused, nudging the corpse with the toe of his boot.

“No,” Shepard frowned, shaking his head. “There’s none of those creation spikes around, remember? They must’ve brought husks with them. Took the colonists alive.”

“For…what?” Kaidan asked, quietly. He really didn’t want to know the answer.

Shepard let out a long breath through his nose. “Let’s keep looking and maybe we’ll-shit, get down!”

Kaidan blinked as he was shoved to the ground, gunfire sounding around them a moment later. He scrambled into cover, clutching his rifle. “Thanks,” he breathed, glancing at Shepard briefly.

He peered out of cover, gritting his teeth when he saw that it was Collector forces attacking them, probably rounding up any colonists that had been missed in the original abduction. Kaidan first took out the enemies closest to them, giving his squad a bit of room to breathe, before conjuring up a biotic field and stepping out of cover. He took a moment to gather his energy, bullets pinging off of his field as he did so, before barreling several Collectors over at once with a heavy kick. A few of them, thankfully, didn’t get up again.

It soon became obvious that Kaidan had miscalculated just how many Collector forces had stayed behind on Horizon, as he found himself growing exhausted, wave after wave of enemies filing out from further inside the colony. If the muttered cursing was anything to go by, he’d say Shepard and Garrus were getting frustrated, as well. As soon as Kaidan started to wonder if they were going to actually die on this stupid fucking mission, shots sounded from somewhere to his right, taking out Collectors rapidly. He blinked in surprise but took advantage, and they finished the fight with bullets to spare.

When all was quiet, Kaidan slumped, dropping his arms and his field with it. Sweat was rolling down his forehead and into his eyes, and he pulled off his helmet to wipe it away, squinting at Shepard and Garrus. “You two alright?”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded, getting to his feet and holstering his weapon. “Well. That was bullshit. Whoever that was saved our asses, though.”

“Tell me about it,” Kaidan snorted, turning back around to look for them and blinking when he saw a figure standing several yards from them. Alliance, he noted, glancing at the emblem. Wait- “…Ash?”

The figure just stared at him for a moment, then tore off it’s helmet to reveal Ashley, her hair sticking to her forehead and her cheeks flushed, eyes round and wide. “Kaidan?”

They just looked at each other for a long moment, with their mouths open like dead fish, before Ashley broke into a sprint to cross the distance between them. Kaidan laughed and caught her when she collided with him, their armor clanging and scraping but neither of them paying it any mind as he spun her around in a circle. “Ash!”

“Holy shit!” she cried, grabbing his face as he set her back on her feet, like she would be able to tell if it was really him by squishing it. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears but she just laughed shakily, and he could see her taking in his scars with a pinched brow. “Holy shit, it actually is you. I didn’t believe it when I heard!”

“It’s a long story,” Kaidan sighed, wanting to avoid that for as long as he could.

“Wha- wait, Shepard?!” Ashley cried, even louder, hugging him too and then shoving him hard. “What, you can’t call?!”

“I’m sorry!” Shepard insisted, stumbling a step with a wide smile. “I couldn’t contact anyone.”

Ashley took a deep breath, pushing her hair back away from her eyes and just looking at them both for a moment. Her eyes landed on the Cerberus symbol on Kaidan’s breast plate, and her face fell. “…that’s true, too, then,” she mumbled, meeting his eyes again. “You’re working for Cerberus.”

“It’s not that simple, Ash,” Kaidan grimaced.

Ashley didn’t answer, glancing at Shepard instead. “You, too?”

“It’s a temporary alliance,” Shepard amended carefully. “Cerberus is making moves against the Reapers that the Alliance just isn’t. The threat needs to be addressed, by whatever means necessary.”

“By working with terrorists?” Ashley snapped, her eyes welling up again. “I get that they let you go, Shep, but this is way too far.” She looked at Kaidan, and he had to avoid her eyes. He couldn’t stand the heartbroken look in them. “Kaidan, you’re an Alliance soldier, you both were. Like me. You can’t think this is right.”

Kaidan swallowed, setting his jaw before meeting her gaze. “I don’t like it,” he told her quietly. “But it…it feels like the right thing to do right now, Ash. I know it’s messed up, but something has to be done. We’ll all die if something isn’t done, you’ve seen it.”

“This isn’t the way to do it,” she insisted sharply. “I don’t care what they did for you, this is wrong. I thought you had more integrity than that.”

“Ash, come on,” Kaidan begged weakly.

“No,” Ashley interrupted. “You, both of you, you’ve…turned your back on everything we stood for. Cerberus can’t be trusted, and you damn well know that.”

“You know I’d only do this for the right reasons,” Kaidan insisted, though he felt sick with guilt. What if she was right? “The Collectors are working with the Reapers and targeting human colonies.”

Ashley sighed, taking a step away from him. “I’d like to believe you. But…I don’t trust them. Don’t even know if I can trust you, anymore. What did they do to you?”

A lump settled in Kaidan’s throat. “Ash, come with us, and I’ll show you. You can trust me, I swear, they didn’t do anything.” _Didn’t they, though? They put you back together. Who knows if they did a little rewiring?_

“I will never work for Cerberus,” she told him firmly, her mouth set in a hard line. “I’m sorry, Kaidan.”

“Ashley-”

“I’m reporting back to the Citadel,” Ashley said, turning away. “I’ll let them decide if they believe your story.” She took a step, then paused, looking over her shoulder at Kaidan, and then Shepard, eyes softening as she murmured “…good luck, you two.” Then, she walked away, leaving Kaidan staring after her.

He jumped a little when he felt a hand on his shoulder, but it was only John, the corners of his mouth turned down and the lines in his forehead pronounced. “We have to go,” he murmured softly.

Kaidan nodded, rubbing his eye before shoving his helmet back onto his head. “Yeah. Let’s get the hell off this planet.”


	19. Chapter 19

Kaidan shuffled to his cabin as soon as they returned to the Normandy, his head bowed and answering Shepard’s worried questions with quiet mumbling. He didn’t want to see or be seen by anyone, not after…that. Not after Ashley had looked at him like he’d taken her heart and shattered it underneath his fucking boot. Like she couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore.

The cabin door whispered closed behind him, and he locked it before sliding down the wall and to the floor. He didn’t cry or panic, just stared into space, Ashley’s face and words bombarding him over and over.

_I don’t know if I can trust you anymore._

_I thought you had more integrity than that._

_What did they do to you?_

Kaidan let his head hang, supported it with the heels of his palms, and let a long breath out through his nose. He was tired of the people he loved looking at him like he was a monster.

* * *

Kaidan hadn’t really considered the consequences of answering truthfully when Shepard asked him if he’d been practicing his hand to hand. To be fair, it was over Kaidan’s first cup of coffee, the day after Horizon and the morning after a sleepless night, so he wasn’t completely mentally present. He pouted when Shepard gave him a deep frown. “What?! I’ve been dead for two years!”

“Not funny.” Shepard sighed, regarding him with a long look. “Alright. We’re gonna have a sparring session tonight, see how shitty you are. And then we’ll get back to lessons.”

Kaidan groaned loudly, slumping in his chair like a petulant child. “Come onnnn.”

Shepard snorted, quirking an eyebrow at him. “Really? What are you, four?”

“I hate you,” Kaidan mumbled, narrowing his eyes at him.

“Uh huh. Want a refill?”

“…yes, please.”

* * *

The cargo bay of the SR-2 was much bigger, and more well-lit than the bay on the SR-1. It was also better insulated, the background noise of the ship a soft whir rather than a loud rumble. Kaidan stepped off of the elevator to find Shepard waiting for him, in sweats and a tank top that should be illegal in council space. Kaidan couldn’t help staring at his arms as he approached him, Shepard too distracted by something on his data pad to notice him at first. He looked up and smiled briefly, and Kaidan tried his best to meet his eyes rather than his biceps.

“Hey,” John greeted, setting aside the pad and stretching his arms over his head. He laughed as he watched Kaidan strip off his hoodie and toss it aside. “You look like you’re going to the gallows, Alenko.”

Kaidan gave him a very unamused look. “All my memories of these sessions include getting my ass kicked.”

“I did not kick your ass,” Shepard smirked. “If I’d kicked your ass there would’ve been injuries.”

“Uh huh. So what kind of torture am I in for?”

Shepard snickered, stretching his arms over his head again and applying pressure to his elbows to loosen his shoulders. “Let’s start with sparring, just to see how sloppy you are.”

“If the insults are supposed to charm me, you’re doing a shitty job.”

“Square up, Commander.”

Kaidan grimaced, slipping into a defensive stance. “That sounds even weirder coming from you.”

“Why?” Shepard asked, circling him slowly, like a predator.

“I don’t know. ‘Commander’ was always you. Plus it’s hard to feel like I earned the rank just by dying.”

Shepard’s jaw flexed, but he didn’t give Kaidan time to apologize for the crass joke before he was speaking. “You didn’t earn it that way. You earned it by being brave, and dedicated to the mission.”

Shepard threw a quick jab at Kaidan’s shoulder, and he grunted as it landed while he was distracted. “I did what any other soldier would have done in my place,” he argued.

“I don’t think I believe that,” Shepard hummed, throwing a couple more punches and smiling a bit when Kaidan blocked them with his forearms. “Nice. But no, I’ve served with a lot of people, and you’re a special brand, Kaidan. I’ve never met anyone like you.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the small smile. “Are you flattering me, John?”

“Nah,” Shepard laughed quietly. “What would be the point?”

“You’ve got me there.” Kaidan took the opening while Shepard’s guard was down, proud when he landed a hit in his gut. He blinked when Shepard coughed harshly. “Jesus, you okay? I didn’t think I hit you that hard!”

Shepard laughed, clutching his stomach with a bewildered, albeit impressed, look. “Fuck. Did Cerberus put steel in your knuckles?!”

“I don’t think so,” Kaidan replied, his eyebrows nearly raised to the top of his forehead. “That wasn’t even as hard as I could hit.”

“Let me see how hard you can hit, then,” Shepard grinned. “Hang on, there must be arm guards around here somewhere…” He shuffled over to the nearby equipment locker, digging through with noisy clangs and sending a few items tumbling to the floor. Kaidan smiled fondly, shaking his head. He clearly didn’t mind breaking some things if they belonged to Cerberus.

“Anything?”

“Yeah, got something.” Shepard came back with a pair of guards, slipping them on and wiggling his fingers into the holes. “Alright, let’s do this. Give me your best shot.”

Kaidan nodded, cracking his knuckles briefly before winding up, clenching his fist and striking Shepard’s forearm with a sharp jab. John stumbled back two steps, laughing delightedly again, and Kaidan joined in. “Seriously?”

“I dunno what happened, but you are at least twice as strong as before. And that’s saying something,” Shepard praised, his grin nearly ear to ear and making Kaidan’s chest swell. “That is so hot.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the giggle, though he’d deny it if anyone asked. “Okay, well, if you’re done getting off to my weird super strength…”

“Right, right. Sorry. Let’s work on your form, it looks like shit.”

“There it is.”

They sparred for nearly two hours, Shepard stopping them every once in a while to critique or give advice. Near the end of their session Shepard was complaining once again about Kaidan’s feet, the placement of which was apparently incredibly offensive. He certainly mentioned it enough. Kaidan was irritated until he found Shepard’s chest pressed against his back, both of them nearly soaked with sweat. Shepard’s strong hands took his hips, angling them properly as he used his foot to nudge Kaidan’s into place. His voice gave instruction in Kaidan’s ear, but for the life of him, he couldn’t hear what he was saying over the rush of blood as he flushed.

Kaidan peered over his shoulder, finding John very near, near enough that he could feel his breath on his cheek. Their eyes met, and a shiver cascaded down Kaidan’s spine and sent his toes pressing into the floor. John’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, his grip tightening on Kaidan’s hips. Kaidan leaned closer, his eyes growing lidded, and nearly lost his footing when Shepard suddenly stepped away. The frustration was so great he almost stomped his foot like a bratty kid.

“Shepard-”

“I should go,” Shepard murmured, hurrying toward the elevator.

Kaidan tangled his fingers up into his own hair, sending a frustrated growl toward the ceiling as the infuriating bastard of a man ran from him again.

* * *

He’d had just about enough.

That was what he muttered to himself as he waited for Shepard that evening. They’d been sharing the same bed since Shepard had come aboard, and despite all of the weirdness, they hadn’t stopped. Kaidan paced his cabin for a while, then got tired of that and sat heavily on the couch instead, jiggling his leg for lack of anything better to do to relieve his energy. He was so wound up that he nearly shouted in surprise when Shepard finally slipped through his door. He got to his feet, advancing on John with his eyes intently focused on his mouth. It was time to do two of the things that terrified him - be frank, and ask for what he wanted.

Shepard blinked at him, starting to speak but cut off when Kaidan kissed him roughly, backing him up against the wall. He hesitated for a moment, but grunted and melted when Kaidan nipped at his lips. “Kaidan, wha-”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Kaidan whispered, his voice breaking a little bit. He tried to steady it. “I can’t keep this up, John, I need…” He sighed heavily, pressing his forehead firmly to Shepard’s, their hips and chests slotted together. “If you don’t want me, then say so. But if you do…if you still do, John, please…”

“It’s not that simple,” Shepard practically whimpered, holding him tightly and pulling him close but still, there was something holding him back, damn it all. “Kaidan-”

“Just give me a yes or a no,” Kaidan begged.

“But there isn’t just a yes or a no!” Shepard insisted, his voice raising. He pushed Kaidan away, and then dragged him back again, and fuck if that wasn’t a goddamn metaphor.

Kaidan growled and let him go completely, pulling at his own hair again as he resumed his pacing. “Why?!”

“Because it _hurts_ , Kaidan!” Shepard’s voice was the one to waver this time. “You have no idea what-fuck!”

“Then tell me!” Kaidan shouted, his eyes stinging as he came to a halt in front of him. “Talk to me!”

“How am I supposed to talk to you about this?!” Shepard took up Kaidan’s place pacing the floor. Kaidan watched him, arms crossed over his chest. “How am I supposed to confide in you about what your death did to me?!”

“I-”

“You _screamed_ when you died,” Shepard told him sharply, his eyes wild and shining. “You screamed into my ear, that was the last thing I fucking heard, and then the comm line went dead, and I saw-” He scrubbed away the wetness on his cheeks almost angrily. “Fuck! I saw that fucking bomb go off, and I heard Ashley screaming at Joker to get you, and it was my fault! It was my fault! Don’t!” he shouted when Kaidan opened his mouth. “Don’t you fucking dare tell me it wasn’t one more goddamn time, Kaidan! I can’t move past it. I can’t do this, I can’t look at you and kiss you and hold you and feel like I deserve a bit of it!”

“Wait,” Kaidan croaked, blood draining from his face. “Wait, don’t talk like that, we can-”

“We can’t,” Shepard said, quietly now, rubbing his eyes dry again. “We can’t. It’s too…it’s just too much, Kaidan. We can’t do this.”

“Don’t,” Kaidan begged, grabbing his arms when he turned toward the door. “Don’t do that, John, come on. We can get through it, I’m sorry I pushed, I just-”

John shook his head, meeting Kaidan’s eyes. “I’ll always care about you, and I’ll always be your friend. But more than that…I just don’t think it’s in the cards for us. Look at us. We’re fucking miserable, trying to hold on to this.”

“Don’t do that,” Kaidan said again, tearfully as Shepard slipped out of his hands, turning toward the door. “John.”

“It’s gonna be better this way,” Shepard murmured. He didn’t look entirely convinced of his own words, but Shepard was a stubborn bastard when he’d made up his mind. “We can focus, and you can find someone.”

Kaidan clenched his fists, miserable rage flaring up in his chest. “I don’t want anyone else,” he snapped.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you, or punish you, or anything. It’s just…we can’t go on like this.”

“Fine,” Kaidan snarled bitterly. “Get the hell out, then.” He regretted it as soon as Shepard turned away, guilt turning his stomach. “Wait. I didn’t mean that, I-”

“You should try to mean it,” Shepard told him with a small smile. “It’ll suck less, that way.”

Kaidan called for him to come back, but he didn’t. The door closed, and the elevator took him down, and Kaidan was all alone once more.


	20. Chapter 20

After murdering Vyrnnus, Kaidan had lost himself.

Not only did he not recognize himself in his actions, he didn’t even feel like a person anymore. He didn’t sleep, rarely got hungry. His most disturbing memory of the years following BAaT was his inability to feel anything, emotionally or physically. He didn’t laugh, would only show emotion in random bursts of temper and tears. He couldn’t feel rain on his skin or wind in his hair, or see colors the way he used to. He tried to break through the numbness with adrenaline, with bar fights and gambling and a nasty red sand habit that he thankfully kicked before it became a problem. Took him longer to kick the cigarettes, but eventually he tossed the last butt and crushed it beneath his boot, as well.

Point was, Kaidan had known numbness before. It was eerily familiar as it settled over him where he lay, alone and cold in his large bed. Colors rushed by the skylight overhead, but he stared past them. He ought to be sleeping, he knew. They were on their way to Illium, a couple of dossiers pointing them in that direction - an assassin and an asari justicar, which was about par for the course for Illium.

He’d sat out the last mission, investigating a dossier detailing a krogan warlord named Okeer who, in his attempts to save his people from the genophage, had become familiar with Collector technology. Of course, the Illusive Man had perked up like a fucking deer at that information, and had assigned both Kaidan and Shepard to the mission immediately. Kaidan had ignored all knocks at his door and calls to his comm, and eventually they had gone without him, Shepard heading the squad. He’d read the report when it came in, surprised to find that Shepard had not returned with the warlord, but with a tank bred krogan that Okeer had apparently deemed the ‘perfect specimen’ of the race. He had been brought onboard still in his tank, and Kaidan was a little wary of what would happen when he was brought out.

Kaidan knew he was being fucking ridiculous, locking himself away like a teenager who’d been dumped. He had a job to do, even if he wasn’t loyal to Cerberus. There was a threat to address, and a team to assemble. And like John had said, they were still friends. And he still cared about him. He couldn’t let him do everything alone. One mission, though. One mission sat out to mope, and then he could push through the numbness long enough to get through the day, then drag himself back to his cabin to stare at the ceiling again. Until eventually, hopefully, it stopped feeling like a dagger was being continuously twisted inside of his gut.

“Commander Alenko, report to deck 2,” came a voice from his omni-tool, scaring the shit out of him briefly before he realized it was Jacob. “We’ve got a situation!”

Kaidan pushed himself up to sit, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and already pulling his boots on. “What kind of situation?”

“Shepard let the krogan out of it’s tank. He’s denied backup but we think you should head down there.”

Kaidan muttered to himself as he pulled on clothes and grabbed his pistol. Yeah, sure, because Shepard always listened to him. Everything was real great on that front. He stalked out the door, pursing his lips as he rode the elevator to deck 2, imagining the piece of his mind he was going to give Shepard for this particular bullshit. Would make him feel marginally better, at least.

He emerged to find Jacob and Garrus hovering outside of the door to the room the krogan’s tank had been housed in. Jacob was pacing, and looked relieved to see Kaidan. Garrus looked…tired of Shepard’s shit. Kaidan could relate.

“What’s going on?” he asked, approaching the small group and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Shepard released the krogan from it’s tank,” Jacob told him, his jaw tense. “It attacked him when it came out, but he’s refused to let anyone inside. The door’s locked.”

“Attacked him?” Kaidan asked, frowning. “Is he hurt?”

“No,” Garrus sighed, shaking his head. “He said he had no injuries, but it had him pinned to the wall. He says the situation is under control, but…”

“Yeah, that doesn’t mean anything,” Kaidan snorted, holding his omnitool closer to his face and voice calling Shepard. He got an answer within a few seconds.

“Hey, Kaidan.”

Kaidan lifted his eyes up to the ceiling. “Hey. Quick question.”

“Yeah.”

“Uh, what the hell are you doing?”

“Negotiating.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan scoffed, scowling at the door even though he couldn’t see Shepard through the metal. “Why’d you let the krogan out of his tank?”

“Well, he can’t do much fighting sitting in there.”

Kaidan rubbed his face, sighing heavily. He really didn’t want to be talking to John right this second, and his brash attitude was pissing him off more than it usually might. “Is he violent?”

“We’re talking it out. Actually, you kinda interrupted.”

Kaidan bristled. “Oh well, fucking excuse me,” he drawled bitterly. “Good luck, Shepard.” He hung up and turned on his heel, heading straight back for the elevator. “He’s fine. Getting his head bashed in might be good for him.”

He didn’t know where he was going, just that he wanted to get the fuck away from everyone. Somehow that brought him, not back to his cabin, but below deck. It was dark and quiet, and Kaidan furiously kicked the wall as soon as he was alone. “Fucking _asshole_ ,” he hissed under his breath, kicking again and wincing when he hurt his toe that time. “Fuck.”

“Jesus, what happened t’you?”

Kaidan whirled around, blinking when he saw Jack, leaning against the far wall with her arms crossed over her chest. “Shit, you scared me,” he breathed. “Sorry. Forgot you were bunking down here. Y’know there’s beds on deck two…”

“I like it here better. Mostly because people don’t come down here,” she added, giving him a pointed look.

“Sorry,” Kaidan muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “Just, uh…I dunno. Sorry.”

Jack shrugged, pushing away from the wall but not coming any closer. “I don’t give a shit. You’re quiet enough. And you haven’t stared at my tits yet.”

Kaidan shrugged, smiling a little. “Didn’t notice them.”

“Sure you didn’t.”

“I’m hung up on someone, so I guess I’m distracted.”

“’Someone,’ he says. We all know you and Shepard are fucking.”

Kaidan’s mood darkened again and he frowned at the floor. “Were. Although I wouldn’t even really call it that. We haven’t had sex in two years, technically.”

One of Jack’s eyebrows quirked. “Weren’t you like…sharing the fancy cabin upstairs or whatever?”

“We broke it off,” Kaidan told her with a heavy sigh. “Or, he did. You don’t wanna hear about it, sorry.”

Jack stared at him for a long moment, chewing the inside of her lip. “You’re right,” she snorted eventually. “I really don’t. You look like you’re gonna pop a blood vessel though. Want a smoke?”

“I quit,” Kaidan told her.

“One won’t kill you, pansy,” Jack snorted, rolling her eyes. “Come on.”

Kaidan hesitated, then pursed his lips and followed her back to the secluded corner where she’d been spending all of her time since coming on board. It was simple, with just a cot and a footlocker that she plucked a pack of cigarettes from. Kaidan snorted softly as she handed him one.

“What?” she asked, squinting suspiciously.

“Nothing. I used to smoke these, that’s all.”

“Seriously? These are trash, it was all I could find or I wouldn’t have fucking bothered.”

“Yeah well, I was twenty and didn’t care, I guess,” Kaidan snorted, looking around. “Uh. Should we be smoking in here?”

“Jesus,” Jack sighed, giving him an exasperated look. “Are you always this uptight? I can still kick you out.”

Kaidan smiled, taking the lighter she offered and only feeling marginally guilty as he lit up the end of the cigarette. He took a short drag, closing his eyes and reveling in the light burn in his chest. “Surprised you haven’t already.”

“Yeah, well. Like I said, you’re quiet, so you’re less likely to piss me off,” Jack said casually, inhaling deeply and released a plume of smoke into the air.

A few drags was all it took for Kaidan’s nerves to settle again, his thoughts slowing and his limbs relaxing. Hm. Not good. “I really can’t have more than one. I don’t wanna start again.”

“Whatever you say, boyscout.” Another inhale, another cloud of smoke. “So. Uh, thanks, I guess. For letting me look at those files. Haven’t found anything yet, but…thanks.”

Kaidan glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “Sure. Why don’t you trust Cerberus, anyway? I mean, I don’t either, but you’re…well.”

“A criminal?” she jeered, smirking at him. “Just because I’m fucked up doesn’t mean I’m Cerberus’ brand of fucked up.”

“Mm. Guess not.”

“Thought you’d be up their ass,” Jack continued. “Saw some shit about you while I was looking around. They brought you back from the dead?”

Kaidan nodded slowly, releasing smoke from between his lips with a soft exhale. “Yeah.”

“Fuck,” she replied, shaking her head. “You were Alliance before, huh?”

“Yeah. I…guess I still am?” Kaidan frowned, tilting his head. “I don’t know. I’ve tried getting in contact with people and it hasn’t gone through. And now they probably know about me working with Cerberus; ran into one of my old squadmates.”

“So you might be getting shit-canned.”

“Might be.” Kaidan’s gut twisted. “Got no choice, though. We can’t just do nothing.”

Jack leaned back against the wall, bringing her feet up onto the cot and resting her forearms on her knees. Her cigarette still burned where it dangled between her fingers. “Sounds like we’re in for hell, if those reports are true.”

“They are,” Kaidan murmured. “I’ve seen a Reaper myself. And most of that intel is Shepard’s. He knows more than I do, and he’s trustworthy.”

“Even though he dumped you, huh?”

Kaidan lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “I’m not fifteen. I’m not gonna hold a grudge against him for moving on.”

“I have a scuff on my wall that says otherwise.”

“Technically, it’s my wall.”

“Technically, it’s Cerberus’ wall, so blow me.”

Kaidan snickered, putting out the butt of his cigarette against the side of a cargo bin. “Yeah. Guess that’s true.” He was silent for a while, watching as Jack flicked her own butt onto the floor carelessly. He rolled around the residual taste of his cigarette in his mouth, comforted by the familiarity of it. “Thanks for the smoke.”

“Sure,” she nodded. “Don’t get all touchy feely about it, alright? And definitely don’t think you can come bum one every time you and your boyfriend are having a fight. Buy your own shit.”

“I’m not buying my own, this was it,” Kaidan said firmly. “And he’s not…he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Whatever, boyscout.”

* * *

The krogan’s name was Grunt, and Shepard had fucking adopted him.

Shepard had emerged from Grunt’s room with little injury other than a couple bruises and a cut on the center of his forehead. When asked where he’d gotten it, Shepard had casually said that he didn’t recommend head-butting a krogan unless you wanted to bleed a little. Fucking Shepard.

Since the altercation, Kaidan had noticed Shepard visiting Grunt often, spending time talking with him or teaching him how to shoot at the range down in the cargo bay. Grunt seemed to have an innate skill with almost every weapon Shepard put in his hands. Kaidan figured it had something to do with that ‘perfect krogan DNA’ or something. Either way, despite Shepard’s apparent comfort with him, Grunt’s demeanor still made Kaidan nervous. Kaidan’s only true experience with a krogan was Wrex, who Kaidan had thought was quite intimidating and aggressive.

He now realized that Wrex had had age to temper him, where Grunt was technically newborn and full of a dangerous energy. He was thrilled by violence, and took to breaking things and shouting when he was left without something to do. Even his speaking volume was booming, grating on Kaidan’s ears and setting his teeth on edge. Shepard seemed fond of him, though, which really shouldn’t have surprised Kaidan in the least.

When the Normandy docked at Illium, Kaidan practically had to drag himself into his armor. He was feeling a little better, but that only meant that he was now able to get out of bed without feeling like collapsing all over again. He still felt sick and numb, and couldn’t stand to look at Shepard more than was absolutely necessary, much less talk to him. Shepard had sent him a text to apologize for the Grunt incident, but Kaidan had ignored it, deleting it from his inbox completely so he wouldn’t have to see it. They hadn’t spoken face to face except during debriefs with the Illusive Man.

He took his sweet time getting to the comm room, not looking forward to having to face Shepard and the Illusive Man at the same time. When he entered the room and found Shepard already waiting, he kept his eyes on the floor as he approached. He felt Shepard staring at him.

“…hey,” Shepard murmured eventually.

Kaidan worked his jaw to the side. “Hi.”

“You look tired,” Shepard frowned. “Maybe you should sit out again…”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan said, clipped, and lifted his chin. “I’m fine.”

Shepard was quiet after that, face forward as the Illusive Man’s projection appeared before them. “Gentlemen. I’m told you’ve docked at Illium safely.”

“Yeah. Send over the dossiers,” Kaidan replied shortly.

“I will, but there is one thing. You’ll need to speak with an information broker before you do anything else. She has the locations of our potential recruits. You may remember her - Dr. Liara T’soni?”

Kaidan’s heart skipped a beat and he glanced at Shepard, whose eyebrows had risen. “Liara’s here?”

“We received a message that she wanted to speak with you,” the Illusive Man said. “Talk to the concierge and I’m sure they’ll direct you. Good luck.” With that, the projection winked away.

“…wow,” Kaidan breathed, his anger and grief momentarily making way for shock. “Liara’s on Illium. Not the first place I’d expect to find her. And as an information broker?”

“Yeah,” Shepard murmured, looking deep in thought as he turned to leave the comm room. “Best go see what she’s been up to.”


	21. Chapter 21

Illium was an uncomfortable place to be decked in armor and strapped with weapons, but Kaidan didn’t think he would ever be able to brave the planet without either. It wasn’t overtly violent like Omega; in fact, the projection of wealth and power could fool any tourist into believing Illium was perfectly safe. Underneath the facade was uglier, though, drug and labor trade as common as fine wares. Proximity to the Terminus Systems ‘necessitated’ legalization of goods and services that would otherwise be illegal in council space, making for a dangerous visit for anyone without street smarts. Kaidan liked to think he had enough to get by, and Shepard was practically at home on Omega, but the decadent veil Illium draped over it’s criminal society was out of both of their elements.

“There’s no way Liara’s working for the Shadow Broker,” Kaidan murmured, looking around mostly in an effort to avoid his gaze landing on Shepard. The fact that they still were running missions together to keep up the appearance of a united front was wearing on him. He wanted to forgive Shepard and move on with their lives, maintain a friendship that was important to him, but he’d been given no time to lick his wounds. Trying to heal under the gaze of the man that had broken his heart was easier said than done.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed. He allowed Kaidan to keep his distance, which he could appreciate, he supposed. “Doesn’t seem like her style. Then again, I haven’t spoken to her in almost two years.”

They made their way through Illium’s marketplace, ignoring vendors calling out to them and shoving jewelry and electronics into their faces as they passed. Liara’s message had directed them toward the set of stairs past the market, stating that her office was located at the very top, overlooking the docks. She’d likely seen them disembark, then, and knew they were coming.

Kaidan remembered Liara as kind, quiet, intelligent, and skilled in combat, especially for an academic. Entering her office to hear her snapping down her comm at some poor soul, threatening to flay them with her mind, came as a bit of a shock. She glanced over her shoulder when she heard the door hiss, disconnecting the call at once.

“Oh, it really is you,” she breathed, staring at Kaidan with a dumbfounded expression. “It…is you, isn’t it?”

“Pretty sure,” Kaidan laughed quietly. “Yeah.”

Liara sighed and crossed the room in three strides, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tight. “It’s so good to see you,” she murmured warmly, and Kaidan squeezed her back, finding he’d missed her more than he realized. She gave good hugs.

“You too, Liara,” Kaidan smiled.

She stepped back and gripped his shoulders in her hands, before turning to Shepard, her face splitting into a grin. “Shepard,” she greeted, wrapping her arms around John’s middle and embracing him as well, her cheek pressed to his chest.

John’s expression softened as he returned the affection, rubbing her back before patting it twice. “Hey, T’soni. Nice dress.”

“Oh, don’t get me started,” she laughed, looking up at him with bright eyes. Kaidan was reminded of that special connection he’d once been jealous of. “I hate this thing. If I were to be attacked I’d have to rip it on both sides just to be able to move properly.”

Shepard snorted, and Kaidan watched Liara as she locked the door behind them and went to sit behind the desk at the far end of the room. The office was lavishly decorated, but none of it seemed to belong to Liara. Plants Kaidan had never seen before were potted on many of the surfaces.

“Is you being attacked a likely scenario?” Shepard asked, taking one of the chairs on the opposite side of the desk. Kaidan took the other quietly.

Liara glanced over their shoulders, her smile growing thin. “Being an information broker will do that,” she said breezily. “You’re in no small amount of hot water yourself, I’ve heard. Moving against the Collectors with Cerberus.”

“Which is why we need your help,” Kaidan nodded. “We need people we can trust.”

Liara sighed, folding her arms on top of the desk and drumming her fingers against her elbow. “I can’t,” she told them. “I have commitments here. Things I need to take care of.”

Shepard frowned, leaning forward. “Like what? Are you in trouble?”

“No, nothing like that,” she assured him, avoiding his eyes. “I just…have some debts to repay.”

“That sounds like trouble.”

She smiled, reaching to squeeze Shepard’s forearm briefly. “Please do not worry about me. And I will try not to worry about you, as difficult as it may be. I am happy that you found each other again, at least. Perhaps that will help.”

Shepard was silent, and Kaidan swallowed down the bitterness as he looked out the window to his left, watching cars flying by on their way around the planet.

“…is something wrong?” Liara asked tentatively.

“You’re dodging my questions,” Shepard interrupted, his voice harder. “Why can’t you just talk to us?”

“I want to,” she insisted, frowning at him. “This isn’t because I don’t trust you. This is Illium. Anything I say is likely being recorded.”

Shepard let out a sharp sigh through his nose, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms as he regarded her. “Come on board the Normandy, then. We can talk there.”

Liara didn’t blink at the ship name. Kaidan supposed with her contacts, she was already aware of the SR-2’s existence. “…alright. Tonight.”

Shepard nodded, satisfied. “Good. Just give us a call. I’ll…Kaidan will have you allowed aboard.”

Liara glanced at Kaidan briefly. “Very well. I will see you tonight.”

* * *

The ship was eerily quiet while it was docked. Kaidan had walked himself down to a private corner in the cargo hold, feeling a little odd that the only noises were himself, the scuffling of his boots, and the low sound of his biotics warping space around him. They had a few hours to kill before Liara would be able to come aboard, and he figured he would do something useful rather than go stare at the ceiling in his cabin.

The silence was good for concentration, at least, although that just gave him more time to notice how messy his biotics were. They had more of a kick to them than before, and also seem to require a lot more of his energy. It made him sluggish, and sloppy, and it was starting to piss him off. He remembered Shepard saying that he fought like shit, and he got a little more pissed off. What the hell was he good for, then?

Not to mention that the added exertion required to conjure even a simple throw made his implant twinge. He’d had a similar problem when he’d first started at BAaT, but via lessons he’d learned to redirect his energy more efficiently. He felt like he was starting at square one again, almost, like he was a kid with a new implant and no sense of his own strength. No instructors here, though, thank fuck. Unless-

He made his way to the crew deck with a determined frown, marching up to Miranda’s office door and knocking twice. When she called for him to enter he slipped inside, finding her sitting at her desk reading something on a data pad. “Hey, Miranda. Am I interrupting anything? I can come back.”

“No,” she assured him, setting the tablet aside. “I can get back to it. Did you need something, commander?”

“Kaidan,” he corrected, knowing she probably wouldn’t listen. “Yeah, actually. Nothing serious, just…I’ve noticed that my biotics are a little rusty. I don’t know if it’s because I was asleep for two years, or…”

“They likely don’t feel quite the same as they did before your death,” Miranda told him, watching him carefully as she leaned back in her chair. “As I said, they had something of a reboot. There will be an adjustment period, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, I figured. But it’s not just that, I mean…even before all this happened, I’ve just felt like-like I’m not living up to my potential,” he mused, slowly sitting in a chair across the desk from her. “Like I know that I spike high, and I can feel it, and it feels…it feels like there’s always a little more I could do, a little more I could be _using_. But I don’t know how.”

Miranda hummed quietly, her brown pulled in just slightly as she thought. “You’ll cause yourself pain if you push too hard, Kaidan,” she told him. “You can’t just strain your biotics like a muscle and expect more output. It doesn’t work like that.”

Kaidan looked up at her, meeting her eyes. “Could you teach me?” he asked.

Her eyebrows rose, her neck pulling back a bit. “You want me to teach you?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan confirmed eagerly. “If you want to, and have the time, of course. I’m just really impressed, and kinda envious, at what you can do. You’re really skilled, not just powerful, and I wanna learn.”

“Are you sure you want someone from Cerberus overseeing your training?” she asked dryly. “You’ve been awfully vocal.”

“Like you said,” Kaidan smiled, “if you’d wanted to hurt me, I’d be dead already.”

“Hm.” Miranda paused, watching him with a sharp gaze for a long, silent moment. “Alright, Kaidan. If it will increase your efficiency, I’ll train you.”

Kaidan’s face split into a grin. “Thank you. Seriously. I really appreciate it.”

Miranda smiled back, though it was a little ominous. “Don’t thank me yet, Kaidan.”

He had to suppress a shiver as he left her office, wondering what he’d just volunteered for.

* * *

Kaidan got the call that evening that Dr. Liara T’soni was requesting permission to board. After granting it he rolled out of bed, putting on his boots as quickly as he could. It was almost a routine by now; drag himself out of bed in the morning, force himself through the day, collapse into bed again, roll back out for dinner or whatever bullshit called him, fall back in for sleep. And all the time, tension in his shoulders as he tried to avoid Shepard, expecting to run into him around every corner. God. This couldn’t go on. Kaidan couldn’t fucking stand it, it was making him _sick_.

He made his way to Shepard’s quarters, a small room off of the observation deck, where they had agreed to speak with Liara. It was one of the more private areas on the ship Kaidan could think of. He stepped inside to find Shepard and Liara waiting for him already, speaking quietly. Liara smiled when she saw him, inclining her head. “Good evening, Kaidan.”

“Hey, Liara. Thanks for coming,” he said, settling in a chair in the corner of the room. He avoided Shepard’s eyes completely. He could feel Shepard’s on him for a long moment, but he didn’t budge. Fuck, he was sick with the hurt.

“So,” Shepard began. He turned away from Kaidan. “Why don’t we start with you dodging my questions.”

Liara sighed through her nose, giving him a stern look. “Shepard. There are some things that I just cannot tell you.”

“Why?” Shepard pressed. “We’re alone here, Liara. You don’t have to hide shit.”

“Shepard,” she sighed, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “It isn’t so simple as that. My life, at the moment, is dedicated to finding and killing the Shadow Broker.”

Shepard stared at her. “Killing the Shadow Broker? What the hell for?”

Kaidan frowned a bit when Liara’s eyes flitted almost imperceptibly toward him. He didn’t have time to mention it as she leaned forward, taking one of Shepard’s hands firmly in her own.

“Shepard,” she said again, more softly. He fixed her with a stubborn look. “I know you are worried for me, and I appreciate it. You are a good friend. But this is something that I need to handle on my own. You have enough to deal with.”

He huffed in response, clenching his jaw and squeezing her hand. “I want to help you, but you won’t let me,” he muttered irritably.

“No. I won’t,” she replied simply. She let go of his hand to cup his cheek, smiling briefly. “Stop worrying.”

“Don’t count on it,” Shepard murmured, though he looked less ready to snap when she dropped her hand again. “Alright. Fine. Can you help us, then?”

“I can certainly try. What do you need?” Liara asked, sitting back in her seat and crossing her legs.

“We’re looking for a couple people who were sighted on Illium. An asari justicar named Samara, and an assassin named Thane,” Kaidan explained. “We were wondering if you might know anything about that.”

“Hm. Well, the justicar, certainly,” Liara hummed. “Everyone with their ears to the gorund knows of her, though I’m not sure what her purpose is here. You’ll want to speak to a tracking officer; they will be able to help you further. As for the assassin, my sources tell me that he is here pursuing a target, Nassana Dantius. Dantius’ former head of security still resides here, and Thane was in brief contact with her. She may be able to assist you.”

Shepard sighed heavily, lifting his eyes to the ceiling. “Great. More running the fuck around.”

Liara smirked fondly at him. “You are an impatient man, Shepard.”

“What are you, new here?” Kaidan snorted, lifting the corner of his mouth a bit. It fell as quickly as it had risen when Shepard smiled at him, and he looked away quickly.

“…right. Well, thank you, Liara. We appreciate the help,” Shepard said, sounding a little strained and awkward.

“Of course,” Liara nodded, getting to her feet. “I should be going. I have been away for too long, as it is.”

She turned to hug Shepard again, and then Kaidan, squeezing tightly. “Be careful. Both of you. Please.”

“We’ll do our best,” Kaidan promised her. “You too, you know.”

She didn’t respond, or nod. “Goodbye,” she said instead. And with that, she was gone.

Kaidan didn’t realize he was about to be left in a room alone with Shepard until the door had closed behind her. He stared at the ground, fidgeting as something infuriating inside him kept him rooted to the spot. He ought to flee, but his legs wouldn’t work.

“So,” Shepard said eventually, his voice soft from across the room. “I uh, I think it might make sense for us to assign teams to each dossier. We’re not sure how long Samara and Thane are going remain on Illium, so-”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, not looking at him. “I agree. That makes sense.”

“Great. I’ll uh, let you handle that. Of course. Unless you want help.”

“I can do it.”

“Great. Good. Okay, then.”

Kaidan hesitated a moment longer, then got to his feet stiffly. “I’ll, um. Let you know. When I’ve figured out the teams.”

“Okay,” Shepard replied, voice still gentle and low in his chest. _Damn him_ , Kaidan thought miserably, a sad warmth blossoming in his chest at the tone. “Get some rest, Kaidan.”

Kaidan finally looked at him, fixing him with the hardest stare he could muster. Shepard didn’t break his gaze, but he looked as exhausted as Kaidan felt, bags under his eyes and a deep crinkle between his brows. Kaidan felt his own eyes burning and he turned on his heel, unable to look at John for one more second. He marched out of the room, letting the door slide closed behind him without a word.

Damn him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this up late guys! I have no excuse except my brain was on fire this weekend and writing did not want to happen lmao. Thanks for all the love so far <3

Kaidan assigned himself and Shepard to separate squads, and he only felt a little guilty about it. He knew the Illusive Man would be pissy, and he could see the hurt in Shepard’s eyes as they ran through their briefing, but it didn’t change his mind. Seeing and working with Shepard all the time was killing him, making him actually sick to his stomach, and he needed to create a bit of distance. Wounds festered if you didn’t let them breathe, after all.

Shepard, Miranda, and Garrus went after Samara, while Kaidan, Jacob, and Mordin pursued Thane. He’d expected a bit of trouble, being that Thane was an assassin and all, but locating Nassana’s prior head of security and tracking down the drell himself was hardly a strain. What was a little more difficult was getting through Nassana’s formidable security detail, nearly every inch of her headquarters crawling with guards and mechs alike.

“This guy better be worth it,” Jacob sighed, leaning back against the wall of the elevator as they rode up to Nassana’s office. Kaidan wondered why he so often found himself in elevators. “We had no idea this place would be so secure.”

“Not secure enough,” Mordin smirked. “Still got through.”

“And with no injuries to boot,” Kaidan pointed out. “Almost a little too good to be true.”

Jacob grimaced. “Don’t jinx it.”

They emerged from the elevator, entering Nassana’s office with their weapons drawn. The office was sparse, a desk and console in the center of the room and framed by a wall of windows behind it. The light outside had turned burning orange, the shadows cast by Illium’s sky scrapers dark and long. Nassana stood behind her desk, flanked by guards. An asari woman with a severe brow, she scowled and jutted out her chin as Kaidan as his team carefully approached, Jacob holding her at gunpoint just to be safe.

“Before you kill me, just tell me who hired you,” she demanded, voice even but tense.

“We’re not assassins,” Kaidan told her. “But we are looking for one.”

Nassana snorted, her lip curling back from her teeth. “You break into my building, decimate my security, just to find the person hired to kill me? What exactly are you playing at?” One of her guards straightened, her head whipping to the right, and Nassana huffed. “What?”

“I heard something,” the guard told her, frowning.

“Damnit,” Nassana spat. “Check the other entrances. And you,” she snapped, jabbing a threatening finger at Kaidan. “Stay put. You and I are going to-”

Kaidan blinked, and Nassana’s guards were crumpled on the floor, necks snapped and eyes deathly wide. He lifted his weapon, but he was too slow. A drell had appeared as if from nowhere, his skin a warm green and eyes black. One hand gripped Nassana’s arm, holding her fast, and the other pressed a pistol to her stomach. She only had a moment to gasp before the assassin pulled the trigger, the bullet exiting through her back and the casing tinkling to the floor with a spurt of blood. He didn’t let her fall, catching Nassana’s dead weight and easing her to lie on the desk. He took her arms, folding them delicately over her chest, and then took a step back, holstering his weapon and lacing his fingers in front of himself, as if in prayer.

Kaidan lowered his weapon slowly, a little uneasy. He stepped forward, watching the drell closely as he bowed his head, eyes closed. “Thane?” he assumed. “I’m Commander Kaidan Alenko. I…was hoping to talk to you.”

Thane opened his eyes, lifting his head slightly to glance at Kaidan. “I apologize. But prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”

“You’re praying for the person you killed?”

“Not for her. For me.”

Something about that sat oddly in Kaidan’s chest, but he decided to analyze that at a later time. “Right. Sorry,” he said awkwardly.

Thane searched his face for a moment, black eyes flitting back and forth as they mapped his face. Then he straightened, the prayer apparently completed. “The measure of an individual can be difficult to determine through actions alone,” Thane said, walking around the edge of the desk, his voice low and almost rumbling. “You, for instance. All of this destruction, all in an effort to locate me. Well.” He came to a stop in front of Kaidan, holding out his hands at his sides. “Here I am.”

It felt as if Thane was looking inside of him when Kaidan met his eyes, but he didn’t break the contact, holding his chin up. “I won’t beat around the bush. I need you for a mission.”

“Indeed?”

“Are you familiar with the Collectors?”

Thane hummed quietly, his arms behind his back as he clutched one of his wrists, still regarding Kaidan closely. “By reputation,” he confirmed.

“They’re abducting human colonies,” Kaidan explained. “Cerberus is working to take them out, and I’m working with them.”

“Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 relay,” Thane frowned. “No ship has ever survived the journey.”

Kaidan nodded. “So I’ve heard. First time for everything, right?”

“Hm.” Thane paused, turning to gaze out of the windows lining Nassana’s back wall. It was as if he no longer noticed her corpse still lying on the desk, or her guards crumpled on the floor at their feet. “This was to be my last job,” he murmured eventually, eyes sliding closed. “I am dying.”

“You’re dying?” Kaidan asked, jerking his neck back a bit. “Are you sick?”

Thane huffed what could almost be a laugh through his nose, though he didn’t smile. In fact, his face held hardly an expression at all. “It is not contagious, don’t worry. And it won’t affect my work.”

He sounded confident enough, but Kaidan still planned to have words with the Illusive Man about recruiting a sickly drell. “So you’ll join us?”

“I will,” Thane nodded, turning to face him again. “The universe is a dark place. I am trying to make it brighter before I die.”

Kaidan nodded, finding he could at least respect that, and holding out a hand. Thane had apparently worked with humans before, because he shook the hand without missing a beat. “I appreciate the help, Thane. Any expertise you can lend us would be great.”

“Provide me with your reports, and I will see what I can do, Commander Alenko.”

* * *

Kaidan had read the same poem at least three times, and had still retained almost none of it’s meaning.

He released a heavy sigh through his nose, setting his book on the nightstand and roughly scrubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He was exhausted, but every time he tried to lay down and go to sleep, his mind would race and his heart rate would increase and he would sit right back up and turn the light on. There was a dull ache in the center of his forehead, and he grimaced with dread. He wondered if he would wake up with his head imploding behind his eyes, or if he would be spared a few more days.

The door to his cabin opened abruptly, and he reached for the pistol beside his bed for a split second before dropping his hand. “John,” he sighed, flopping back against his pillows. “Don’t do that, you scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” Shepard mumbled, his eyes on the ground. He looked flushed, pink in the cheeks, and he supported himself on the wall with a heavy hand. “Forgot.”

Kaidan frowned deeply, getting to his feet as he took in how he slumped and slurred his words. “John, are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” John sighed, curling in on himself when Kaidan approached.

He took John’s jaw into his palms and tilted his head up, peering into his eyes. He smelled his breath then, and his gut twisted unpleasantly. “John, are you drunk?”

John didn’t look at him, but his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed, his eyes shining. “No.”

“Don’t lie. What are you doing here?” Kaidan asked shortly.

“Miss you.” It was a whisper, barely audible over the soft bubbling of Kaidan’s fish tank. “I miss you.”

Kaidan bristled, choking on a confusing mix of emotions. “You’re the one that left,” he pointed out bitterly. “You left me.”

“I know.” Shepard’s voice broke.

“You don’t get to do that and then come stumbling in here drunk, John. What the hell is the matter with you?”

John looked away, twisted his body away from Kaidan, and put a hand over his eyes as his shoulders started to shake. Something in Kaidan’s heart softened, and he swallowed thickly, putting an arm around his waist. “Come on. You should drink some water and lay down.”

“N-no, I can-”

“Please stop running from me, John.”

John went still, and allowed Kaidan to guide him to the bed.

It was a little hard going, but John was at least able to stay on his feet, even as he leaned much of his weight against Kaidan’s side. Kaidan supported him easily, gently lowering him to sit on the edge of the bed. “Stay there. I’ll be right back.”

He went to the bathroom, shaking his head at his own reflection as he filled up a glass of water. He’d hoped John would change his mind, but he hadn’t expected it to happen while he was wasted. Hadn’t wanted it to happen that way. Now it was all muddied and confusing - although, what else was fucking new when it came to them? Kaidan pursed his lips and took the cup into his fist, exiting the bathroom once more.

John had kicked off his boots and shuffled further onto the bed, leaning back against Kaidan’s pillows. He was staring at his socked feet, his legs bent and his forearms resting on his knees. His eyes flitted upward when Kaidan approached, the color still piercing but a little unfocused.

“Here,” Kaidan murmured, pressing the cup into his hand. “Drink that.”

Shepard huffed, sipping it slowly. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t argue with me right now.”

Kaidan crossed to the other side of the bed and sat beside him, crawling on until their shoulders were nearly pressed together. Not quite touching, though. John continued to sip his water, so at least they wouldn’t have to argue about that.

“…why are you here?” Kaidan asked again, quietly.

Shepard paused, setting aside his glass and avoiding his eyes. He rested his arms on his knees again, his fingers picking at already torn up cuticles. “I’m selfish. That’s why.” Kaidan watched him as his jaw worked silently, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “I’m selfish, and I can’t…can’t stop thinking about you, and-” He choked up again, his eyes welling up, and Kaidan realized that this conversation was going to go nowhere unless Shepard sobered up.

“Okay,” he sighed. “We don’t have to talk about it right now.” He blinked as John slid sideways, colliding gently with his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his middle. He considered pushing him off and laying him down to sleep, but the traitorous part of him that wanted to hold and be held by John won out, and he returned the embrace. “I…miss you, too,” he whispered.

“Fuckin’ made the wrong decision,” John sighed, not slurring so much but clearly very emotional. More than Kaidan had ever seen, even more than when he’d seen him for the first time since coming back from the dead. “Thought it was right, thought you’d be better off.”

“Neither of us are better off,” Kaidan pointed out, his voice still gentle. “I’m miserable, and so are you.”

John nodded weakly, glancing up at him. His eyes were sparkling, red at the rims, a little puffy. Kaidan reached to wipe away the tears with his sleeve. Shepard leaned forward, and Kaidan didn’t stop him when he gently brushed their lips together. The kiss lingered, but it was gentle, a barely-there press. Kaidan lifted the corner of his mouth slightly, brushing his thumb along Shepard’s cheekbone.

“I think we should go to sleep. Talk in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Shepard murmured, voice a little hoarse. “Sorry. Yeah.”

“Don’t be sorry. I know.”

Shepard slid down to lay on his back, sighing heavily up at the ceiling. “Couldn’t sleep. S’why I came here.”

Kaidan watched him quietly for a moment. “When I can’t sleep I usually read.”

“Don’t like reading,” Shepard told him, scrunching up his nose.

“I know.” He was quiet for a moment, his fingers twisting in his lap. “I could…read to you?” Kaidan flushed as soon as he said it, expecting a dry look and some sarcasm at any moment.

Instead, Shepard’s eyes swiveled slowly to meet his, soft and still delicately sparkling. “Yeah. Okay.”

“…okay,” Kaidan echoed, smiling a little and reaching for the book he’d had his nose in before Shepard interrupted. “I was reading old Earth poetry before you came in.”

“How old?” Shepard asked, readjusting a little so he could see Kaidan’s face better. Kaidan flushed again.

“Old as balls,” he joked quietly, smiling when Shepard snorted. “They’re love poems too, you okay with that?”

“Don’t make me cry again, K. Jesus.”

“It’s not as pathetic as it sounds,” Kaidan protested, though he smiled and shook his head as he turned to the next page. “Okay, yes it is.”

John gave a dissenting grunt, scooting closer to him. “Not pathetic. You read poems. I drink. I think we know who wins.”

Kaidan shrugged. “I also had a cigarette with Jack.”

“One cigarette. You rebel.”

“Shut up,” Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes. His heart swelled just a little bit at the familiar banter. “Can I read now?”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan took a breath and began.

 _I do not love thee!—no! I do not love thee!_  
_And yet when thou art absent I am sad;_  
_And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,_  
_Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad._

 _I do not love thee!—yet, I know not why,_  
_Whate’er thou dost seems still well done, to me:_  
_And often in my solitude I sigh_  
_That those I do love are not more like thee!_

 _I do not love thee!—yet, when thou art gone,_  
_I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)_  
_Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone_  
_Thy voice of music leaves upon my ear._

 _I do not love thee!—yet thy speaking eyes,_  
_With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,_  
_Between me and the midnight heaven arise,_  
_Oftener than any eyes I ever knew._

 _I know I do not love thee! yet, alas!_  
_Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;_  
_And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,_  
_Because they see me gazing where thou art._

He glanced down at Shepard, expecting him to be smirking or scrunching up his face. Instead he looked thoughtful, the lines between his brows a little deeper, his eyes on Kaidan’s face. They held each other’s gaze for several heartbeats.

“I liked that,” Shepard whispered eventually. “Can we read another one?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, smiling at him. He paused, leaning to kiss Shepard’s forehead softly, and then turned the page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem that Kaidan read is called "I Do Not Love Thee", by Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton.


	23. Chapter 23

When Kaidan woke, he was warm, almost sweltering, the steady thump of a heartbeat in his ear. He squinted groggily, frowning and reaching to rub the sleep from his eyes. He lifted his head to find John’s face, slack as he gently snored, inches from his own. Kaidan had apparently latched onto John in the night, his arms and legs wrapped around him like an octopus, and he slowly disentangled himself. In his sleep, Shepard tightened his arm around him, keeping him from going any farther, and grunted as he stuck his face into Kaidan’s neck.

Affection nearly choked him, and Kaidan reached to slowly run his fingers through John’s hair, scratching his scalp lightly like he was a cat. He was too afraid to hope just yet, too afraid that sober John would change his mind, be a self-sacrificing bastard like he usually was. He closed his eyes, resting his head gently against Shepard’s.

He just had to have a little faith. And maybe cross all of his fingers and toes, just in case.

It took some time for Shepard to wake, rousing with a sniff and a frown as he sat up a little in bed. He looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings, then paused when his eyes settled on Kaidan. “…ah.”

“Ah?” Kaidan repeated, raising an eyebrow. “I’d settle for ‘good morning,’ to start off.”

“Morning. Sorry, I, uh…shit.” Shepard rubbed his face, letting out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry I came here like that, last night, that was so fucking stupid.”

Kaidan couldn’t really deny that, so he didn’t. “I think we should talk.”

Shepard’s expression softened, and he nodded slowly. “…yeah. Probably should.”

“Feel okay? I’ve got some meds.”

“Your meds are strong enough to kill a horse, K,” Shepard teased quietly, nudging him.

Kaidan rolled his eyes with a slight smile. “I have lightweight ones.”

“Heh, right. I feel alright, anyway. Thanks.”

“Sure.” It was silent for several heartbeats, charged but not anxious. They both just needed some time to find their fucking words, for once. “John, I…I don’t wanna live without you. I like having you in my life. It feels…emptier, when you’re not.”

John swallowed thickly, his eyes not on Kaidan but on the far wall, sharp with concentration as he listened. “I feel the same,” he murmured. “I don’t want to live without you, either. I just…I need a bit more time to process everything that happened. And I need you to be patient with me. Just because you tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty…that doesn’t mean I don’t. But that also doesn’t mean we should be apart in the meantime.”

Kaidan released a soft breath through his nose. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ve been pushy, I’m sorry.” More silence. “You know, we have a therapist on board. Kelly. You could talk to her.”

“…ew.”

“Come on,” Kaidan snorted, pushing him gently. “I talk to her.”

“Yeah, because you have to.”

“Well, yeah. But she’s nice. And she’d probably like talking to someone who actually needs her.”

Shepard paused, glancing at him. “Are you suggesting you don’t need her?”

Kaidan blinked right back at him. “I’m fine.”

“…Kaidan. You had a panic attack when I asked if you were human.”

Kaidan looked away. “Yeah, well. I’m adjusting. This isn’t about me, Shepard.”

“It is, actually,” Shepard said firmly. He sat up straighter, crossing his legs and turning to face him. Sensing a serious discussion coming up, Kaidan bit back a sigh and mirrored him. “Kaidan. I wanna be with you. But neither of us are all there in the head, right now. And this isn’t gonna work if we both just keep pretending we’re fucking fine.”

John’s words sent his stomach turning and his jaw clenching, his stubborn mind slamming down a steel wall to protect itself. He was fine, he was an officer, he had people under him, he had a mission to complete, a threat to address. If he wasn’t fine, then he was a liability, he was weak. If he wasn’t fine, he would fail, and people would die. If he wasn’t fine, he wasn’t a soldier.

He was brought out of his spiraling thoughts by hands on his cheeks, and blue eyes boring into his own. “Kaidan,” John murmured.

“I’m okay,” Kaidan told him shakily. “Just…I…shit.”

“Yeah,” Shepard snorted, his smile weak. “We’re kinda a fucked up couple, eh?”

“No kidding.” Kaidan lifted his hands to wrap around Shepard’s wrists, squeezing gently. “Okay. I…I’ll try to start talking to Kelly about stuff, if you go see her, too.”

Shepard took a long, deep breath in through his nose, and out slowly again. “Alright,” he said eventually. “I’ll try it. Okay?”

“Okay.” Kaidan leaned forward, kissing him gently. “I missed you.”

“Missed you, too. I’m sorry,” Shepard frowned.

“Okay, another rule.” He wrapped his arms around John’s neck, settling comfortably in his lap simply because he was craving the closeness. Shepard’s constant heat warmed his skin, like the hearth in a family home. “No more apologizing. We’ve done enough of that. We’ve gotta move on.”

The corner of Shepard’s mouth lifted a bit, and he kissed Kaidan between his eyes. “Okay,” he agreed. “No more apologizing.”

“Good.” They held each other for several minutes, petting hair and kissing cheeks and inhaling scent. Kaidan pressed his cheek to John’s shoulder, rubbing the material of his shirt between his fingers. “And…I’ll stop trying to jump you. I was…I don’t know. Being selfish, I guess.”

“We were apart for a long time,” John whispered. “Even longer for me, technically.”

“It’s not that. I mean that’s part of it, but…” Kaidan frowned, trying to make the words come out of his mouth the same way they aligned in his head. This was why he wrote poetry; the simple act of articulating himself was near impossible, some days. “I think subconsciously, I…I still don’t feel like me? I mean, I do, but…my body feels…like it’s not mine. Sometimes. And I thought maybe if we had sex, if I knew you still wanted me that way, it would feel more…” He stopped when his eyes started to sting, clearing his throat. “I dunno.”

Shepard frowned at him, but he didn’t seem angry. He brushed his thumbs along the healing scars on Kaidan’s cheeks. “Kaidan, that’s…I do want you,” he murmured. “I do. I’ll always want you. You’re the most…fucking beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life. My hangup is with wondering if I…can. Or should. I guess. And I’m just gonna need a little more time to get past it. But it’s not because you’re not you.”

Kaidan nodded, choked up again. He hadn’t realized how fucking badly he needed to hear that. “Yeah, okay,” he said hoarsely, smiling. “I understand. I won’t push anymore.” He closed his eyes as Shepard kissed him softly.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel right in your body,” Shepard murmured. “That’s gotta be hell.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Kaidan snorted, holding tighter to him. Despite the heavy conversation, he felt lighter than he had in a long time. “I’ll be alright. Eventually.”

John nodded, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. “Good. If I can help, tell me.”

Kaidan squeezed him back, closing his eyes and tucking his face into his shoulder. “Same to you.”

* * *

With all current dossiers closed out and no further leads, the Normandy remained docked on Illium for several days. In that time, the crew focused on resupplying, resting, and training. In the mornings Kaidan trained with Miranda, honing his biotics and finding that the skills he learned were worth the minor headaches from straining himself. In the evenings he would train with Shepard, finding less progress on that front but still progressing, nonetheless. Afterward they would go to bed together, and Kaidan would read aloud, and John would quietly listen. They would fall asleep in each other’s arms, slowly learning how to be near each other again.

One afternoon found them lounging in bed, Kaidan rereading a report he’d practically memorized, Shepard’s head in his lap.

“ _Commander, we have an Alliance soldier requesting permission to board. Ashley Williams?_ ”

Kaidan almost knocked Shepard out of bed scrambling to his feet. “What? Are you sure?”

“ _Positive, sir_ ,” came the crew member’s voice, crackling a bit over his omnitool.

“Permission granted,” he said breathlessly, he and Shepard staring at each other with open mouths. The comm link disconnected, but they were both too stunned to move. “Do you think-”

“Let’s go find out,” Shepard grinned, grabbing his hand and tugging him out of the room. Kaidan stumbled after him, trying to calm his pounding heart. If it wasn’t her, he didn’t want to be let down. It could be a trap, or a misunderstanding…

They both hurried toward the cockpit, drawing glances from everyone they passed but paying them no mind. When they reached the entrance they came face to face with Ashley, in full armor, frowning at a very perturbed looking Miranda.

“We aren’t accepting new recruits, especially not Alliance soldiers picked up off the streets of Illium,” Miranda told her firmly, arms crossed over her chest.

“I’m not a recruit,” Ashley snorted. “Thought you people were starting a collection on this vessel. Randoms from all corners of the galaxy.”

“That’s not-”

“Ashley,” Kaidan interrupted, eyes wide as he and Shepard hurried toward her, coming to a stop a few feet away. He wanted to hug her, like he had on Horizon, but everything she’d said echoed in his ears and rooted him to the spot. “What are you doing here?”

Ashley’s expression melted into one of relief, and she hurried forward, chucking all of Kaidan’s worries out the window as she threw her arms around his neck and squeezed the life out of him. “I’m sorry!” she gasped, shoving her face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I was totally wrong. I want to help you.”

Kaidan tightened his hold around her waist, letting out a long breath. “Ash, the Alliance. Are you AWOL? You can’t-”

“I’m not, I’m not,” she assured him quickly, stepping back so she could see his face. Her eyes were bright, a little manic with excitement. “I talked to Anderson, he knows I’m here. He promised he’d smooth it over for me. We just wanna help you and Shepard.”

“Are you-ow, okay,” Shepard laughed, wheezing a bit as Ashley tried to crack his ribs as she hugged him, as well. “Yeah, hi, missed you, too.”

She grinned up at him, reaching to ruffle his hair. “You’re looking scruffy, Shep. Cerberus doesn’t have a barber on call for you?”

“No, they didn’t include that in the benefits package,” Shepard drawled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. He sobered quickly, though, frowning down at her and holding onto her shoulders almost protectively. “Ash, are you sure about this? You know who we’re working with.”

“I do,” Ashley nodded, her expression serious as she met his gaze. “I’m not here for them. I’m here for you and Kaidan. I love you guys, I can’t let you do this without me.”

Kaidan smiled widely, hugging her from behind as Shepard did the same, squishing her between them. “We love you, too, Ash.”

“Saps,” Ashley grinned, looking thrilled at the affection.

“Commander,” Miranda interrupted, her lips slightly pursed. “If we are bringing on a new team member, then I will inform the Illusive Man.”

She looked pissed, Kaidan noted with a grimace. “Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll uh…I’ll stop by your office in a little bit.”

“Whatever you like.” She brushed past him, stalking down the hall and out of sight behind a door.

“Well. She’s nice,” Ashley snorted sarcastically.

“She’s not that bad,” Kaidan sighed. “She’s just…got a lot on her plate. I haven’t made things easy for her.”

Shepard clapped Ashley’s shoulder plate gently. “Come on. Let’s get you set up in a bunk. You wanna go talk to Miranda, Kaidan?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan murmured, smiling appreciatively at him. “I’ll see you guys in a few.”

He watched as John walked Ashley toward the bunks, laughing quietly as he heard her loudly commenting on how fucking creepy it was that it looked almost exactly like the old Normandy. Kaidan couldn’t say he disagreed. He took a deep breath through his nose before marching toward Miranda’s office, prepared for a bit of a chew out. He knocked gently on her door, entering when she called for him to do so.

“Hey. Got a minute?” he asked, smiling weakly as he found himself glued to the doorway by her sharp gaze.

“You seem to do whatever you want, Kaidan, so please, do continue.”

He pulled a face, letting the door close behind him and sitting in the spare chair. Miranda’s desk sat between them. “Alright, alright. I know I’ve been a bit of a-”

“Pain in the arse?” she offered, her expression blank but tone dripping with sarcasm. Kaidan couldn’t help a meek laugh.

“Yeah, that’s one way to put it. I know you deal with a lot, and I know that you still don’t really trust me.”

“Just as you don’t really trust me,” Miranda pointed out.

“It’s…I dunno,” Kaidan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not you, personally. It’s Cerberus I don’t trust.”

“But you trust the Alliance?”

“I have to. I’m a soldier,” Kaidan told her. “If I don’t trust my superiors, I risk lives and I risk the objective.”

Miranda hummed quietly, sitting back in her chair and considering him for a moment. “So why not just go back, then? Blindly follow despite their inaction?”

Kaidan shook his head, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the desk. “It’s not that simple. I’m not a sheep. I trust…I trust that if I do the work here, I can scrape together enough proof that the Alliance and the Council will come around. If they have sufficient evidence, I truly believe that they won’t ignore the threat.”

“Your idealism is admirable,” Miranda replied, her voice soft and quiet. “But it will kill you, one day.”

“Maybe. Until then, I suppose I can only do what I’m able.”

There was silence between them, for a time, as they mulled over what had been said. “Ashley will be an asset,” Kaidan said eventually. “She’s loyal to the Alliance, but she’s also loyal to me and to Shepard. She’ll help as long as we’re involved.”

Miranda let out a heavy breath through her nose. “I don’t doubt that her help would be useful. I do, however, hesitate to pick up stray Alliance soldiers off of the streets and allow them access to our ship and our data.”

“Ash has been with Shepard and I practically since the beginning,” Kaidan assured her. “She’s about as knowledgeable about the Reapers as me, maybe more now. All that side, what harm is there in one more set of capable hands?”

Miranda searched his face for a moment, her jaw tense, before shaking her head minutely. “Fine. In the future, please consult me before making last-minute personnel changes.”

Kaidan smiled a bit. “Fair enough. I’m sorry for making things difficult for you.”

“It seems to be one of your many talents,” she snorted, though her expression was softer. “I appreciate you coming to clear the air.”

“Sure. Thanks for making time.” Kaidan got to his feet. “I won’t bother you more. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Kaidan. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, 0600.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

That evening found Kaidan, Shepard, and Ashley sitting at the table in the crew lounge, catching up over MREs. It had only been two years, but Ashley looked older, tired, some lines having formed around her eyes and dark circles underneath.

“I’m a little surprised to hear that the Alliance was looking into the Collectors at all,” Shepard said, both elbows resting on the table. “And that they’d send you out as far as Horizon.”

“Not everyone agreed it was necessary,” Ashley told him, shrugging one shoulder. “Anderson managed to get me dispatched with a small unit. Obviously it wasn’t enough,” she muttered, frowning down at her plate. “Whole colonies going missing. Doesn’t make any sense.”

“We’re confused, too,” Kaidan sighed. “If they just wanted to make them into husks, they wouldn’t need to waste the resources getting them off-planet. Something else is going on.”

Ashley nodded, her brow furrowing a bit. “Guess it’s good you showed up when you did. I probably would’ve been with them.”

Kaidan smiled, gently kicking her boot underneath the table. “Nah. You can handle yourself.”

She was quiet in response. “I’m…really glad you’re alive, Kaidan,” she murmured eventually. “I mean, I prayed for you every night, that you’d come back somehow. I missed you so bad.” She cleared her throat, only taking a few seconds to compose herself. “And now here you are. It’s like a miracle.”

“Makes me sound less like Frankenstein’s monster when you say it like that,” Kaidan snorted, though his heart swelled a bit. “…thanks, Ashley. For that, and…y’know. For coming back. It means the world.”

Ashley’s face split into a crooked smile, and she reached to ruffle his hair playfully. “We’re getting gross with age.” She sat back in her chair, pushing her empty plate away. “I gotta say, I wanted to be surprised that you two had found each other again. But I’m really, really not.”

Kaidan laughed quietly, exchanging a look with John. “Yeah. I wasn’t going to look for him, but…I found him on accident, instead.”

“Must be nice,” Ashley said coolly, giving Shepard a dry look. “Wish he’d accidentally found his way into my message inbox once in a while.”

“I already told you, I couldn’t contact anyone. It wasn’t just you,” Shepard told her, though he looked a bit sheepish. “It was too risky, and Omega’s communication hubs are shit, anyway.”

“Uh huh. I expect you to make it up to me,” she told him with a smirk.

“How?”

“Get creative, Skipper.”

Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes at them. He looked up as he heard footsteps, Jack coming around the corner a moment later. She seemed to wear the same cargo pants and boots every day, but had recently taken to a black tshirt with a smattering of holes in it. Kaidan had asked her about her tendency to walk around topless, once, during the evening when they had a smoke together.

 _If I put it all out there_ , she’d said, not looking him in the eye, _no one can take it without my permission_. He took her recent inclination toward shirts as a sign that she was getting more comfortable.

“Hey, Jack,” he greeted, smiling even when he didn’t get one back.

“Hey,” she replied, flicking his forehead as she passed by. He rubbed the spot, giving the back of her head a look as she made her way toward the kitchenette. “We got booze yet?” she asked, calling over her shoulder.

“Yeah, picked some up yesterday.”

“Kickass.”

Kaidan smiled fondly, facing forward again. He caught Ashley staring over his shoulder, eyebrows raised and lips forming a soft ‘o’. He blinked, glancing and confirming that she was, indeed, staring blankly at Jack as she rummaged through the fridge. He grinned slowly, knocking his knee against hers.

“Careful, Chief, you’re gonna drool all over the table,” he muttered, snickering when she snapped out of it and punched his bicep. “Ow!”

“Shut up,” she huffed under her breath, pouting at him. “I’m not drooling!” She sent Shepard a death glare as he tried to hide his laughter in his cup. “Oh, fuck you both.”

“Hey.” They all looked up as Jack interrupted, standing in front of them with an open beer in one hand, and the other on her hip. “You’re that Alliance chick, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Ashley nodded, her eyes round as dinner plates. “That’s me. Ashley.”

Jack squinted at her for a long moment, Ashley’s cheeks going redder the longer it went on. “Thought you people were too anal to work with shitheads like Cerberus.”

Ashley shrugged, still a little pink in the cheeks. “Well. Sometimes you’ve gotta work with shitheads to get things done. I’m here for Kaidan and Shepard, anyway. Not them.”

“Hm.” Jack considered her for another moment, then took a swig of her beer. “Alright then. Just don’t pull anything with me.”

“Don’t give me a reason to,” Ashley replied. Kaidan grimaced for a moment, then was surprised when Jack smirked, and Ashley returned it with a grin.

“Alright, Alliance,” Jack replied, a little lower, before sauntering off once more.

It was quiet between them for a long moment.

“…Ash, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a look of pure gay panic in your eyes,” Shepard said dryly. “You’re absolutely pathetic.”

“Shut up!” Ashley shrieked, kicking him hard in the shin. “She just - has…a lot of tattoos!”

Kaidan nearly choked on air. “A lot of tattoos huh? That was it?” he asked through laughter.

Ashley groaned, hiding her head in her arms and muffling her sounds of anguish. “Shut uuup.” She peeked out with just her eyes when Shepard patted her head condescendingly. “I’ll bite you.”

“We’ve all been there, Ash,” John grinned. “We’ve all been there.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another late one, sorry guys T_T My weekend was taken up with making sure my mebb was all set to go up, and then the past couple of days got away from me! Will probably post an extra, short chapter this weekend to make up for the delay <3

Kaidan was starting to believe there might be something to that thing people always said, about gifted kids. If you never had to try that hard to be impressive as a kid, then having to work hard later in life made you kinda feel like shit.

Biotic ability had always come easily to him. He was powerful without any training or real effort, even after receiving his flawed amp. After joining the military and growing older he’d realized that what he had in power, though, he lacked in finesse and true skill. Even in his twenties, his approach to using biotics in combat was to just throw all of his energy into the hardest kick he could manage, migraines be damned. He didn’t feel quite the same way when he was locked in the dark in his room trying to keep his head from bursting, but it worked for him in the field. Mostly.

Getting older had sapped some of his stamina, and the rattle and reset his amp had gone through when he’d died had fucked up whatever control he’d managed to gain since enlisting. Combined, he’d been starting to feel useless and weak.

Asking Miranda for help had been the next logical step he could think of. He’d always been a strong believer in teaching and being taught, especially since he’d known so many shitty teachers in his lifetime. When done right, passing on knowledge was the best way he knew to improve society, on Earth and beyond. Learning from the mistakes of those with more experience, as well as treasuring advice based on successes. Building someone up to be your equal, maybe even to surpass you. Knowing you’d left a positive mark on the world, however small.

Kaidan admired Miranda for her skill, strength, and accuracy with her biotics. He’d just never really thought about how difficult that level of focus would be for him to implement.

“Kaidan, where is your head?”

A bit of deja vu struck him for a moment, and he could have sworn he heard the voices of at least three of his school teachers in his ears at once. He was faced with Miranda, though, frowning at him as he worked to suspend a spare tire in the air. He’d started with it several feet above them, but since his mind had wandered, he’d apparently allowed it to lower down to his own height without realizing.

“Shit. Sorry,” he muttered, setting it down as he lost his focus entirely. “Started thinking about something else.”

He knew he was in for it when Miranda crossed her arms over her chest, lifting an eyebrow at him and pursing her lips. No wonder Shepard liked her, he mused dryly to himself. “I’m sorry, am I boring you?”

“No,” he huffed, scowling a bit at the familiar words. “I’m not doing it on purpose. Sometimes my mind wanders. I’ve done it since I was little.”

“Done what? You’ve always had trouble focusing?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kaidan sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Get distracted easily. Talk without thinking. It’s not as bad now that I’m older, but…yeah.”

Miranda hummed quietly, her expression a bit less severe as she considered him for a moment. “That may be your problem with this,” she mused, nodding to the abandoned tire. “You need to practice focusing more precisely, forcing your mind to stay in one place for longer than a few seconds.”

“I’m, uh…not sure I can just force it.”

“Well, of course not. But it’s a bit like fine motor skills. Things like walking and running and lifting, those are all things small children can do,” Miranda told him. “That’s sort of like your penchant for big bursts of biotic energy. But when you get older you learn how to tie knots, and write, work controls, that sort of thing. That’s like a Reave. It just takes practice, working small. You already know how to run, now we can…teach you how to tie a knot.”

Kaidan nodded slowly, brow furrowed as he allowed her words to settle so he could think them through. “Seems like I should’ve learned all of this, by now. I’ve been trained.”

“BAaT was not a good place to learn, I’ve heard,” Miranda noted. “And the Alliance will have taught you as much as was necessary to deem you battle ready. You are quite powerful, they wouldn’t have needed to do much.”

“Thank you. I just…I don’t know. Feels silly.”

“Nonsense. Now, come on. Try it again,” Miranda instructed, stepping back and out of his way. “Find a spot to focus on, don’t let your mind wander. Just keep looking at that spot and direct all of your energy to keeping that tire up in the air.”

Kaidan took a deep breath, and tried again.

* * *

“There you are.”

Kaidan smiled briefly at Shepard as he sat across from him on the crew deck, large mug of coffee in hand. “Yeah, hey. Sorry. Me and Miranda went kinda late this morning.”

“That’s fine. How’s it going?” Shepard asked, sipping from his own nearly empty cup. “You look kinda beat.”

“It’s going pretty good, actually. I’m exhausted, but…I feel like it’s helping,” Kaidan said, half to Shepard and half to himself. “She was full of analogies this morning.”

Shepard snorted in amusement. “Analogies?”

“Yeah. Long story. Anyway, figured out that my problem is I’m scatter-brained, so…I guess that’s helpful.”

John hummed quietly, tilting his head at him. “I don’t know if I’d call it that. Sometimes you’re a little all over the place. She thinks that’s a problem?”

He took a long drink before answering; Miranda had seriously kicked his ass, and he needed the caffeine. “Not just her. I’ve noticed, too. Can’t focus long enough to be very precise, y’know? So we’re gonna work on that. I’m not sure how well it’s gonna go, but I’m willing to give it a shot.”

“Hm. Well. Sounds like fun,” John grinned, nudging his knee playfully underneath the table. Kaidan smirked and bumped him back. “Have I ever told you your work ethic is incredibly sexy?”

Kaidan laughed, his cheeks burning with a pleased blush. “You may have once or twice. I could stand to hear it again.”

John smiled his lopsided smile, and winked, and Kaidan had to fight not to visibly swoon. “You’re a sucker for flattery, Alenko.”

“Am not,” Kaidan protested, though he couldn’t keep a straight face as he said it. He took another long drink of coffee, smirking around the lip of his cup. “Anyway. Seen Ash around? How’s she adjusting?”

“She’s good. She keeps disappearing below deck for mysterious reasons,” John smirked. “Not sure what’s down there that’s so interesting…”

Kaidan snorted into his cup. “Oh, man.”

Ashley and Jack had hit it off pretty quickly, which Kaidan could admit had surprised him. Jack could be…abrasive, and Ash wasn’t much better if she didn’t know you well. Maybe they’d bonded over their mutual desire to fuck with Cerberus.

John distracted him from his thoughts, sitting back in his seat with a frown as he read a message on his omnitool. “Damn,” he sighed, pushing away from the table. “I gotta go check on Grunt.”

“Grunt?” Kaidan asked, blinking up at him. “Why?”

“Got a message from Garrus. Guess the kid’s been breaking shit again, he’s making the crew nervous.”

‘Kid.’ Kaidan resisted the urge to shake his head in disbelief, focusing on the more pressing matter. “I’ll come with you. Don’t want a repeat of last time you were in a room alone with him while he was…agitated.”

Shepard snorted, but didn’t argue when Kaidan got to his feet and followed him toward the elevator. “I still say I had that under control. The kid respects authority, if he thinks you deserve it.”

“What happens when you don’t measure up anymore?” Kaidan asked dryly.

“You wound me, K.”

“Just saying.”

The pair of them traveled to the storage room Grunt had made his own, which really just meant he slept and broke shit in there. Shepard didn’t bother knocking, opening the door to reveal Grunt pacing up and down the length of the room, shattered electronics near his feet and dents in the wall the size of a large fist.

“Hey, Grunt. Everything okay?” John asked, stepping into the room with no trepidation. Kaidan hovered near the door.

Grunt whirled to face Shepard, as if he hadn’t noticed him, his eyes shifty and his fists clenched tightly. “Shepard,” he mumbled. “Something’s…wrong.”

John frowned deeply at him in concern. “What is it?”

The krogan resumed wearing a path into the floor, his breathing a bit labored and frustrated and his fists releasing and clenching repeatedly. “I feel…wrong,” he repeated. “Tense. I just wanna kill something. With my hands.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows slowly rose to the top of his head. John didn’t seem as put off. “Alright. We can take you on the next mission,” he suggested.

Grunt shook his head quickly, his teeth grinding. “It’s more than usual. Like it’s not my choice. Like I just wanna-”

He growled low in his throat, then slammed his forehead into the wall in a swift headbutt, leaving another large dent to join the others. He stared at it for a moment, then rounded on Shepard again, advancing on him so quickly that Kaidan reached for his weapon. Shepard held out a hand to still him.

“See?” Grunt snapped, staring insistently at Shepard, almost pleading. “Why do that? What’s wrong with me?”

“I…don’t know,” Shepard admitted. “Okeer didn’t, I don’t know…imprint something, to help you figure this out?”

“No,” Grunt muttered, rubbing his forehead agitatedly. “This is a…a blood haze in my head. When we’re moving and fighting I feel normal, but when we’re here, on the ship, my mind screams, my plates itch, I can’t- can’t focus, can’t get control. I want control, Shepard.”

Shepard considered him for a moment, his jaw working back and forth. “EDI,” he called out. “Any records in the database about krogan diseases with these symptoms?”

“Cerberus has records of several krogan autopsies,” EDI’s voice announced, echoing over the intercom, “but none of this age and situation. Krogan are extremely reluctant to release medical records.”

Grunt snorted. “My people were defeated by doctors and labs. They would never allow that kind of information to leave Tuchanka.”

“Then maybe we should go there, instead,” Shepard mused, glancing at Kaidan. “Speak to some of the older krogan, see if anyone can tell us what’s going on.”

Kaidan still wasn’t used to Shepard deferring to him, and it took him a moment to realize he was meant to make a decision. He straightened a bit, glancing between Shepard and Grunt while chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. He was extremely reluctant to go to the krogan homeworld unless absolutely necessary, if he was being honest with himself. But seeing Grunt fidget and pace, his eyes flitting all around the room and his breath a bit labored, he felt some pity and gave a heavy sigh.

“Yeah. Alright. We’ve got no leads at the moment, and we need everyone at their best. We can make the trip.”

Shepard nodded, reaching and clapping Grunt’s shoulder roughly. “We’ll leave ASAP. We’ll get this figured out.”

Grunt nodded once, starting to pace again. “Thank you.”

Shepard followed Kaidan back out of the room, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close to kiss his cheek once they were alone. “Thanks.”

Kaidan smiled a bit. “Like I said. Need everyone at their best. And if he’s sick, well…should get him some help.”

John nuzzled his temple affectionately, and Kaidan couldn’t help the quiet giggle in response.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy extra chapter <3 New one still coming Monday!

The Illusive Man was…miffed, Kaidan supposed, when he found out about the pit stop at Tuchanka. They were using Cerberus resources, after all, and it wasn’t on the agenda. Kaidan pointed out that there was no agenda, at the moment, since the Illusive Man couldn’t seem to find them any leads. That shut him up, at least for the moment, and the Normandy had proceeded to set it’s sights for the krogan homeworld. Despite his trepidation about the whole Grunt situation, Kaidan chalked it up as a win; getting the Illusive Man to shut the fuck up once in a while was one of the few pleasures he’d gained since beginning his work with Cerberus.

He knew it was a little pathetic, but since reconciling with Shepard, his energy was back to acceptable levels and he spent less time lying on his back in bed and staring up at the skylight, watching stars pass by like a melancholy teenager. Shepard wasn’t quite the center of his universe, but he was pretty damn close, and that realization ought to have been scarier than it was. Kaidan was an independent sort of man, holding few friends and even fewer true lovers, and being so attached to another person was as unnerving as it was exciting. He supposed that was just what felt like to be in-

He shoved the heavy, looming word back down. Added it to the list of things he was trying to process, and figure out what they meant for him going forward.

Despite having read the same paragraph three times, Kaidan was getting nowhere with the report in his hand. He’d been standing at his desk, staring at the wall with the datapad held loosely in his hand, and he set it aside resignedly. Clearly his mind was elsewhere. Since Miranda had pointed it out to him, he was starting to notice his wandering thoughts more than usual. Felt like he was in school again, being chided for staring out the window or doodling on his paper when he was meant to be working.

He was jarred from that train of thought by the door to his cabin opening. He looked over his shoulder and smiled when he saw it was only Shepard.

“Hey,” he greeted, turning and leaning in for a brief peck. It didn’t stay brief, though, John stepping into his space and lingering when he tried to pull away. Kaidan’s eyes fluttered closed, goosebumps rising on his skin as John’s hands found his hips, and his hot lips parted against Kaidan’s. Kaidan laughed quietly, murmuring into the kiss, “mm, hello there.”

John smiled widely, pulling Kaidan a bit closer and kissing across his mouth and down the length of his jaw, then down to his neck. “Hey. Missed you.”

“What, since this morning?” Kaidan teased softly.

“Mhm.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the pleased sigh, his body more than thrilled at the attention it hadn’t received in…well, years, technically. He and John had been sleeping in the same bed, had, of course, kissed on multiple occasions. But it wasn’t with this level of…intent. John’s palms were hot as they crept underneath his shirt and pressed to the small of his back, and his lips found the spot underneath Kaidan’s ear that made his back arch and his cock twitch interestedly.

“John-”

“I-wanna try something,” Shepard whispered, making Kaidan shiver all over again as his breath caressed his skin. Kaidan realized what he meant when a thumb popped open the button on his pants.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to-”

“I know,” Shepard murmured, kissing his lips firmly, but with a purposeful kind of calm. He wasn’t frantic, and he wasn’t drunk, either. Kaidan felt himself relax a bit.

“Yeah,” he agreed softly. “Alright.”

John smiled again, crooked and charming and damn, as if Kaidan would ever be able to resist that face. Those eyes. He was done for. Absolutely lost to the galaxy, enraptured by an imperfect, brave, wonderful man. Shepard dropped to kneel before him, slowly, his knees making no sound on their impact with the floor, and Kaidan’s heart leapt into his throat.

Long fingers carefully pulled down his zipper, blue eyes focused with pupils blown wide. Kaidan wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, felt like he looked pretty damn awkward just standing there while Shepard looked like _that_ , so he braced them on the desk behind him. John pushed Kaidan’s tshirt up and away, just enough so that he could press open-mouthed kisses to his lower abs and pelvis. Kaidan swallowed thickly, his muscles contracting in response to the touch, and tightened his hold on the edge of the desk. He made a soft noise in his throat when Shepard’s tongue dipped into the crevices between his abs, and breathed a chuckle when the asshole winked up at him in response.

Back to business within a few seconds, Shepard’s nimble fingers slid into his pants and underwear both, pulling them down until they rested underneath his ass - why was it whenever they had sex, they were always only half undressed? They were always rushing, always running out of time. One day, Kaidan would force them both to take it easy. For now, he slid his fingers gently into John’s head of dark brown hair, pin straight and soft to the touch, and watched as he held Kaidan’s solid erection steady with his thumb and forefinger. The first press of his lips against the length made his toes curl, and he bit down on his lip as Shepard kissed up to his pelvis and then back down to the head. His tongue was hot and wet as it swirled around his tip, pressing gently to the slit before Shepard began to slowly sink down and take him in, inch by inch.

Kaidan’s eyes rolled back into his head as his cock was enveloped in heat and slickness, Shepard’s mouth relaxed for the moment as he worked to take as much of Kaidan as he could. He hollowed his cheeks on the upstroke, moving slowly and devastatingly and driving Kaidan out of his goddamn mind already. Kaidan inhaled and exhaled slowly to keep his patience and focus, his entire world becoming Shepard’s hair, Shepard’s mouth, Shepard’s soft breath through his nose. Shepard’s hands curling gently around his thighs, keeping him close and grounded. Soon the strokes came more quickly, John beginning to bob in earnest but still not too fast. His thick, manicured brows were furrowed in concentration, soft and happy sounds emanating from his chest and vibrating Kaidan’s foreskin maddeningly. Kaidan cracked his eyes open when he heard a zipper, and realized that Shepard was slowly stroking himself in time with his own mouth.

“Fuck,” he croaked, and Shepard’s eyes snapped open, watching Kaidan’s face hungrily, his lips still stretched around his cock. “Fuck, John,” Kaidan repeated, almost whining, making a loose fist in his hair. “Feels so damn good.”

Shepard moaned quietly, eyelids fluttering as he pressed into Kaidan’s hand. He tightened his hold experimentally, tugging a bit on John’s hair, and nearly lost it when John moaned even louder.

“Jesus, you’re gonna kill me,” he breathed, eyes closing again as he found himself much closer to the edge than he had been a second or two ago. “Don’t stop,” he begged quietly.

Shepard’s fingers dug into the flesh of his thighs, and he began to bob faster, a silent _wouldn’t dream of it_. A minute later, and Kaidan felt the telltale build up in his loins, and groaned a low warning. Shepard didn’t pull away, and when Kaidan came, he swallowed steadily, forehead smoothing and lashes resting gently on his cheeks.

It took a few long moments for Kaidan to come back down from the high of his orgasm, panting and looking down at Shepard through slitted lids. He realized he was holding tightly to his hair and released the fist, frowning a bit. “Sorry.”

John grinned up at him, catching his breath and pink in the cheeks. “S’okay. I liked it.”

Kaidan hummed softly, brushing his thumb over Shepard’s cheekbone. “Come here. Let me return the favor, hm?”

“Uh.” John laughed, pointedly glancing down somewhere near Kaidan’s feet. “I’m, uh, good. …let me just get a towel…”

A glance down at the floor, and Kaidan laughed, reaching to tilting John’s head back with both hands. He kissed him softly, still giggling against his lips. “Go lay down. I’ll clean up.”

Shepard obeyed with a snicker, and Kaidan grabbed a towel from the bathroom to clean himself up as well as the floor. He had a goofy grin on his face the entire time, and it stayed there as he filled up a glass of water and brought it over to the bed. He handed it over to John, flopping down beside him with a heavy, content sigh. John sipped it gratefully, and he rested his head on Kaidan’s shoulder with his own silly smile.

“Well. That was fun,” Kaidan grinned, voice quiet.

“Mhm,” John agreed, eyes closed as he steadily sipped. Once he’d finished half of it, he gave the glass to Kaidan, who finished it off in a couple of gulps. “Parched, Alenko?” Shepard teased with a smirk.

“Little bit.” He pulled John closer, resting his chin on top of his head and closing his eyes. “How you doing?”

“I’m good,” Shepard murmured. “Really good. Missed…you. Y’know. Like that.”

“Yeah. Same.” A little part of Kaidan wanted to ask what had happened to make him change his mind, but a larger part told him to shut the hell up and just enjoy the moment. So, he did, settling back against the pillows and dozing, John’s head pillowed on his chest and arm draped loosely over his stomach.

* * *

Tuchanka was fucking hot.

Kaidan had known that, in theory, but the first step off of the Normandy was still a bit of a shock to the system. Without his armor it would have been ten times worse, probably resulting in heatstroke within minutes, but still. He surveyed their surroundings, the dust and sand whipping past them in the wind causing his eyes to narrow instinctively.

He and Shepard had decided to go with Grunt alone to speak to whatever krogan elder could help them figure out what was wrong with him. They’d considered bringing Ashley, before Garrus told them that she’d gone off somewhere with Jack. Neither of them had said what it was about, only that they would be back once they were ‘finished.’ Whatever the hell that meant.

Grunt was more jumpy and tense than ever, hardly giving them time to get off of the shuttle before he was stalking in the direction of the large stone building before them, the house of Tuchanka’s capital. He was stopped almost immediately by a pair of guards, and his fists clenched as if ready to swing.

“Easy,” Shepard interrupted, stepping forward and placing a firm hand on Grunt’s chest plate. Kaidan swore that one of these days, Shepard’s over-comfort with Grunt was going to cost him a limb. Grunt didn’t lash out, though, scowling at Shepard but lowering his fists with a gruff noise of assent. Shepard leveled his own hard look at the guards, facing down their weapons as if they didn’t faze him at all. “There a problem, here?”

One of the krogan grunted shortly, looking them all up and down. “The clan leader wants to speak with you,” he said. “Keep your rutting pet on a short leash,” he added, curling his wide lip back at Grunt. “Get him the Rite soon, or put him down.”

“Do you know what’s wrong with him?” Shepard asked, frowning. “What’s the Rite?”

The krogan guard snorted. “There’s nothing wrong with him,” he sneered, jerking his head toward the entrance. “Just talk to the clan leader.”

Shepard nodded once, glancing up at Grunt. “Come on.”

Grunt followed after him silently, though his eyes were narrowed and trained on the guard as they brushed past. Kaidan couldn’t relax until they were inside, and the chance of a brawl was minimized. He wasn’t sure what the Rite was, but apparently Grunt’s behavior was odd even by krogan standards. That couldn’t bode well.

As they passed through the halls of the decrepit structure, they studiously avoided the gazes of all of the krogan they passed. No one spoke to them or got in their way, but their was a charge in the air that made Kaidan think the residents were uneasy and suspicious. He wondered if that had anything to do with Grunt, or if it was just because they were humans, or perhaps both.

They emerged into a large chamber, wide open with sunlight filtering in through cracks and gaps in the ceiling. On the far end sat what appeared to be some type of throne made of slabs of concrete, and a crowd of krogan stood before it. Assuming this was where the clan leader could be found, they approached, stopped once again by another set of guards before they could get too close.

“Halt,” the guard said, holding out a hand. “You must wait until the clan leader summons you. He is in talks.”

Kaidan peered around the guard’s shoulder, blinking in surprise when he found none other than Wrex sitting on the throne, slumping and looking annoyed as hell as he listened to a petitioner.

“You know what tradition demands - clan Urdnot must respond!” the petitioner insisted. “Your reforms will not go unopposed, and you risk appearing weak at a critical-”

Wrex’s eyes drifted toward them, and he perked up as they locked onto Shepard. “Shepard!” he called, his voice echoing in the high ceiling.

Shepard grinned, brushing past the dumbfounded guard. “Excuse me,” he said smugly, just as Wrex turned his back on the petitioner and approached with a similarly eager glint in his eyes.

“Shepard, my friend!” Wrex exclaimed, grinning and clasping Shepard’s hand firmly. He noticed Kaidan and laughed, clapping his back so hard he stumbled forward a step. “And Kaidan! You look well for dead. Should’ve known the void couldn’t hold you.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Kaidan shrugged, reaching to shake Wrex’s hand with a wide smile. “Great to see you, Wrex.”

“Clan leader,” Shepard noted, whistling lowly. “Guess it’s good we didn’t have to kill each other on Virmire, eh?”

“Ha!” Wrex snorted. “Virmire was a turning point for the krogan. Destroying Saren’s genophage cure freed us from his manipulation, and prevented him from creating an army of our people. You made the rise of clan Urdnot possible. Don’t get a big head about it,” he added dryly when Shepard grinned.

“You abandoned many traditions to get your way,” the krogan from before interjected. “Dangerous.”

Wrex turned to him, then slammed his forehead into the other krogan’s with a brief growl. “Speak when spoken to, Uvenk,” Wrex told him, his voice even despite the aggression. “I’ll drag your clan to glory whether it likes it or not.” Wrex walked back to his throne, settling into it as Uvenk went bitterly quiet. “So. What brings you here?” he asked, turning his attention to Shepard once more.

Shepard glanced at Grunt briefly, who had been quietly observing the proceedings, though his fists were clenching and releasing repeatedly. “This is Grunt. He’s on our crew,” Shepard explained. “He’s got some kind of sickness and needs treatment. I was hoping we could get help here.”

Wrex turned a calculating gaze onto Grunt, who stepped forward, meeting his eyes evenly. “Where are you from, whelp?” Wrex asked. “Was your clan destroyed before they could teach you what is expected of you?”

“I have no clan,” Grunt told him. “I was tank bred, by Warlord Okeer. My line is distilled from Kredak, Moro, Shiagur-”

“You recite warlords,” Uvenk snapped, visibly agitated with his lip curled back in disdain. “But you are the offspring of a syringe.”

Shepard bristled, looking like he wanted to defend him, and Kaidan reached out to keep him still.

“I am pure krogan,” Grunt said evenly, clearly not fazed and lifting his chin. “You should be in awe.”

Wrex stared him down, eyes flitting back and forth as he considered him closely. Grunt didn’t squirm underneath the gaze. “Okeer is a very old name,” he murmured eventually. “A very hated name.”

“He is dead.”

“Of course,” Wrex snorted. “You’re with Shepard; how could he be alive?”

Shepard let out a breath through his nose. “Do you know what’s wrong with him?” he pressed.

“There’s nothing wrong with him,” Wrex told him, eyes still on Grunt. “He’s just becoming a full adult.”

“So…he’s just going through krogan puberty?” Kaidan asked, blinking hard.

Wrex waved him off. “I don’t care what aliens call it. Krogan must undergo the Rite of Passage before reaching adulthood.”

Uvenk tensed, advancing on Wrex angrily. “Too far, Wrex!” he cried. “Your clan may rule, but this thing is not krogan!”

“What did I say about speaking when spoken to?” Wrex snapped, drawing himself up to his full height. Uvenk stared witheringly at him, before brushing past and stalking out of the chamber entirely.

“Idiot,” Wrex scoffed, before turning back to Grunt. “So. Grunt. Do you wish to stand with clan Urdnot?”

Grunt was quiet as he thought it through, frowning deeply at the ground. Finally he lifted his eyes and nodded once. “It is in my blood. It is what I am for.”

“Good boy,” Wrex said approvingly. “Speak with the shaman, on the second level. Give him a good show, and he’ll set you on the path.”

“Thanks, Wrex,” Shepard smiled. “Good seeing you. Can I convince you to come with us?”

Wrex shook his head, snorting quietly. “Wish I could. But I have to keep these short-sighted fools in line. Fight well, you two.”

“Nice to see you, Wrex,” Kaidan said.

“You too, Kaidan. Try not to die again.”

Kaidan followed Shepard and Grunt up to the second level, an even greater feeling of dread in his gut than before. Whatever the krogan Rite of Passage was, he couldn’t imagine it would be simple. Or safe.

They emerged onto the landing of the second floor to find another gathering of krogan, Uvenk at the head of them and facing down with an elderly looking man. His garb indicated that he was likely the shaman Wrex had mentioned.

“You go beyond yourself, Gatatog Uvenk,” the shaman snarled. “The rites of Urdnot are dominant.”

“How can we be sure it will challenge him?” Uvenk argued. “He is unnatural! The beasts of the Rite could ignore him like he is one of their own.”

“The beasts know blood, no matter the womb. Your barking does not help your case.”

“I’ll speak for myself,” Grunt interrupted, shoulders squared and tense.

The shaman turned to him, giving him a long, measuring look. “This is the tank bred?” He approached Grunt, humming deeply in his chest. “It is very lifelike. Smells correct, as well. Your protests ring hollow, Uvenk.”

“Urdnot Wrex has given us permission to seek clan status for Grunt,” Shepard told him.

Uvenk snarled and stepped forward. “If this is to stand on ceremony, then I invoke a denial! My krantt stands against him! The tank bred has no one.”

The shaman huffed an irritated sigh. “My patience is tested, but Uvenk is within his bounds. Who is your krantt, tank bred? Your allies willing to kill and die on your behalf?”

“I am,” Shepard said instantly.

Kaidan hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Me, too.” Probably a dumbass move. Too late.

“Aliens don’t know true strength!” Uvenk insisted. Shepard’s jaw clenched, but he said nothing. “My followers are true krogan! Everything about this tank bred is-”

Shepard interrupted Uvenk’s ranted by throwing his helmet into the thick plate on Uvenk’s forehead, mimicking Wrex’s dominating gesture from before. Kaidan’s jaw dropped, too stunned by Shepard’s utter _balls_ to even grab his weapon in preparation for the repercussions.

The shaman threw his head back with amused laughter. “Ha! I like this human! He understands!”

Uvenk glared at Shepard, clearly taken a little taken aback. “I withdraw my denial,” he muttered. “This will be handled…elsewhere.” He nudged Shepard out of the way, leaving the group with clenched fists.

The shaman snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’ve provoked him. Enough reason for me to like you. Whenever you are ready, the Rite can begin.”

Shepard exchanged a look with Grunt, then Kaidan, before nodding. “We’re ready. Let’s do this.”

“Excellent. Follow me.”

They followed the shaman down the hall, Shepard and Kaidan hanging back a bit. Kaidan looked over at Shepard, still a bit stunned.

“You headbutted a krogan clan leader.”

“Yep.”

“…I’m weirdly turned on, right now.”

Shepard grinned, nudging him with an elbow in his ribs. “You would be.”

* * *

The krogan shaman took them far from the capital, the drive taking them across uneven and barren terrain for nearly an hour. Finally they came to a halt, and he led them into what appeared to be some sort of ritual platform surrounded by pillars, outdoors and open to the elements. Dusty wind whipped past them, and Kaidan was glad for his helmet as bits of sand pattered against his visor.

They were left alone on the platform, and the ritual began. As expected, it was a trial by combat, swarms of creatures Kaidan had never seen before appearing from within the walls of solid rock surrounding them. Some scuttled across the ground, like man-sized crabs, and others were great flying beasts with snarling teeth and powerful wings. Grunt took out half of the enemies on his own, ecstatic war cries ripping from his throat. Shepard and Kaidan worked to provide backup, ensuring that the airborne creatures didn’t try and snatch any of them up when they weren’t looking.

Soon, the last beast fell, and Kaidan straightened, unnerved by the odd quiet. That was…a bit too easy, for a trial that was meant to test the mettle of a young krogan. Grunt seemed confused as well, looking around suspiciously with his armor flecked with blood and gore. Kaidan glanced at Shepard, then paused as he felt the ground beneath his feet begin to tremble. “What’s that?” he asked warily, holding his weapon more tightly.

Grunt’s eyes flashed eagerly, his arms flexing as he readied himself for the new challenge. “I am ready.”

All at once, an earsplitting shriek filled the air, and the ground before the platform split open. The head of a tresher maw came surging upward, it’s body arching as it screamed toward the sky. Shepard let out a hoarse, heavy breath, almost sounding…terrified. Kaidan remembered Akuze, something he only knew of because he’d heard about Shepard’s exploits, the man never wanted to talk about it- oh, fuck.

“Shepard,” he called sharply. John was frozen in place. “Shepard!” He swore harshly and dragged John into cover behind one of the large pillars, slamming him up against it and taking hold of his shoulders. Grunt had begun firing on the thresher maw, releasing another war cry that echoed all around them. “John, you need to snap out of it! We need to help Grunt!”

John blinked, straightening up as Kaidan’s voice seemed to cut through to him. “I’m fine! I’m fine,” he called over the din, nodding when Kaidan clapped his helmet twice. “I’m fine.” With that, he took hold of his rifle once more, set his jaw, and stepped out of cover, laying down cover fire. Kaidan decided that that would have to be enough for the moment, and dove out to assist.

The fight was as frustrating and exhausting as it was terrifying. The thresher maw periodically disappeared beneath the ground, bursting out in a new location each time, as if to throw them off and catch them by surprise. The ground quaked underneath them almost continuously, making their footing uneven and their shots off-center. Grunt was not to be stopped, though, and he took a running leap while the threw maw’s head was bowed, landing on it’s forehead and aiming his shotgun straight into it’s eye. Two shots, reload, two more shots, and the thing shrieked, swinging it’s body wildly and sending Grunt flying and rolling across the ritual platform. It took nearly a minute to die, destroying bits of the wall and pillars and sending debris flying as it thrashed. Finally it collapsed, twitching and oozing blood from it’s various injuries, and didn’t stir again.

Grunt pushed himself up to his feet, breathing harshly and grinning. “It is dead!” he declared triumphantly. His smile faltered. “…we have company.”

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder, his stomach sinking when he saw Uvenk approaching, flanked by two krogan and his stride purposeful. “You live,” he said, almost sounding impressed. “And you brought down the thresher maw. No one has done that in generations; Urdnot Wrex was the last.”

Grunt lifted his chin proudly. “My krantt gave me strength beyond my genes-which are damn good.”

“This will cause discussion,” Uvenk noted. “Hm. You say you are pure? No alien meddling in your construction, only Warlord Okeer?”

“Yes,” Grunt said lowly.

“And you are truly powerful,” Uvenk hummed. “That is a tolerable loophole. A reason to accept you. You are a mistake, but your potential could tip the current balance of the clans.”

Grunt clenched his bloodied fists. “You spit on my father’s name, on Shepard’s name! But now you stop ranting because I’m strong?”

“With restrictions,” Uvenk said. “You could not breed, of course. Or serve on an alien ship. But you would be clan Gatatog in name.”

“Hmph. I am pure krogan,” Grunt snarled. “You are the pretender, Uvenk.”

Uvenk glared, baring his teeth. “Your head is valuable whether you are alive or dead, tank bred!”

“Just try to take it!”

They were already exhausted from the previous battle, but even so, the fight was short. Kaidan supposed there was a reason he had never heard of clan Gatatog, and why Uvenk was so desperate to gain sway with clan Urdnot. Soon the clan leader lay dead, his krantt beside him and one of Grunt’s bullets buried in his forehead. They left him sprawled across the concrete, and exited the platform with Grunt on point, head high and shoulders drawn back.


	26. Chapter 26

Kaidan was roused from sleep with a sniff, bleary and confused, as the weight beside him in his bed shifted. He opened his eyes to a squint, rubbing them until they no longer stung. It took him a few moments for his vision to adjust, his cabin dark save for the soft glow of the fish tank and the stars passing overhead. Slowly, he was able to make out Shepard’s back, facing toward him as he sat up on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face wearily.

“Hey,” Kaidan murmured, pushing himself up further and reaching to touch him. He paused when Shepard flinched, and frowned as he realized he was trembling. “Hey, what’s wrong? You okay?”

“Yeah,” Shepard muttered, his voice a bit rough. He pressed shaking hands to his face, rubbing harshly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Go back to sleep, K.”

“You don’t look fine.” Kaidan shifted closer, sitting up completely and folding his legs under himself as he watched Shepard worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

Shepard let out a long, heavy breath through his nose, not looking at him as he dropped his hands into his lap. “Shitty dream. That’s all.”

Kaidan worried the inside of his lip between his teeth, reaching to carefully touch Shepard’s hand. He didn’t flinch that time, so he got bolder and laced their fingers. “M’sorry. Wanna tell me about it?” Stubborn silence. Kaidan remembered John’s face draining of color, his breath coming short as he stared up at the thresher maw rearing it’s head and blocking out Tuchanka’s sun. “…was it about Akuze?”

Shepard’s jaw clenched visibly, even in the dim light. “Kaidan, please.”

“Sorry,” Kaidan winced, looking down. “That’s fair, if you don’t want to.”

It was quiet between them for a moment. “It’s really not,” Shepard sighed, voice low. “You’ve told me about all your shit.”

“That doesn’t mean you owe me anything,” Kaidan argued gently, resting his head on John’s bare shoulder. His skin was warm, a little damp, like he’d been sweating as he dreamed. “It’s okay. I get it.”

Silence. The fish tank bubbled, the gentle light just enough for Kaidan to make out Shepard picking at his already shredded and inflamed cuticles.

“The threshers on Akuze were bigger. I think,” John murmured. Kaidan’s eyes swiveled up to look at him, his cheek still pressed to Shepard’s shoulder. “Not sure if it’s just my memory making them seem that way. You’d think with something so big, you’d know it was coming a mile away. Even if it was underground. But…” Shepard shook his head, passing a hand over his mouth.

“John,” Kaidan whispered. “Don’t force yourself.”

“Just-let me get it out, Kaidan,” Shepard begged quietly, so Kaidan closed his mouth. Shifted a little closer. “Got us when we were sleeping. We were there all fucking day, I mean-can thresher maws fucking plan? Do they have enough brains for tactics?” Shepard asked rhetorically, scoffing bitterly into the dark. “Anyway. They got us when we were fucking sleeping. Didn’t even get any warning, just…I woke up to my guys screaming.”

_You fucking screamed when you died! That was the last thing I fucking heard!_

“Y’know, we’re trained for all kinds of combat situations,” Shepard murmured, frowning deeply into space. “As marines, I mean. To be ready for anything. But when you’re faced with something like that, something that doesn’t use tactics or soldiers or…or fucking logic, it’s just an animal…it’s easy for guys to forget their training. Shit, I went through N7 and when I came out of my tent and saw-” He closed his eyes, grinding his teeth so hard Kaidan could hear it. “Everyone just lost their shit. We managed to kill one of them, and I thought then that some of us might be able to get out of there. Then I started hearing less and less shouting and shit, and then it was…it was quiet. I tried sounding off, but-there was no one. It was just me, and the fuckin’ demons under my feet.

“So.” He released a breath that shuddered all the way out of his chest. “I’d slept in my armor. Guess something told me shit was gonna go down. So I had my comm, but I wasn’t really sure…I mean, I wanted to call in a fighter, right? Bomb the fuckers to hell. But then I thought, well maybe the threshers’ll just take ‘em right out of the sky. I’d already lost my entire goddamn platoon. Everyone. The smell…blood, death. I’d seen my share of shit, but this was just…sudden. And so _much_.

“Anyway. I stayed in one spot for a long time. The threshers must’ve thought they got everyone, because I wasn’t moving around or anything, but I could feel them still, under my feet. Like an earthquake or something, right? So I was fuckin’ frozen in place, trying to figure out what the hell to do. End up crawling my ass through…everyone. Got ‘em all over me. Took so long, but I didn’t dare move any faster. And I didn’t wanna risk talking, so I just kept hitting the button on my comm over and over, hoping someone would get the fucking hint. Made it out of the colony, and I found somewhere to hide. I can’t remember where. Kept hitting that fucking button, until finally someone caught on and sent an evac. Apparently, I hadn’t gotten far enough away, because as I was running for it, the fucking ground splits open and there’s one of the bastards again! Nearly took us all out, I barely even had time to get inside before the pilot decided ‘fuck it’ and took off. And then…and then I reported in that I was the only one left. Everyone else was dead.

“I’ve never been so fucking scared. And so…helpless. That was the thing that really got to me, what those shitty nightmares keep drilling into my head. I couldn’t do anything. I just had to sit there, and…and listen to them all die. It broke my fucking heart.”

Before Kaidan had met John, he’d been a little afraid of him, the stories painting him as ruthless, aloof, a force of nature. When they’d finally come face to face, he’d thought he was an asshole at first, and then slowly come to think of him fondly, even as a friend. Then, he’d fallen for him, not head over heels, but slowly, carefully. With even, measured steps. John was exciting, oddly affectionate, tactile and passionate. He was also mysterious, willing to accept and validate others’ emotions and experiences but not his own. It had been difficult for Kaidan to feel truly close to him for a long time.

Kaidan was assaulted now, with affection and a quiet awe at bearing witness to John Shepard’s soul laid bare. In that moment, he realized he was in love, deeply, irreversibly in love, and the knowledge nearly choked him. But how could he not be? John was brave in a way Kaidan could only aspire to be, a leader in a way he could only hope to emulate. John made him want to be a better man. Kaidan wrapped his arms around his waist, squeezing him close and closing his eyes when Shepard held him in return.

“John. I…” There was nothing that could really be said. How do you tell someone about such deep, life-changing emotions without the words falling flat? Instead Kaidan stretched, pressing his lips tenderly to Shepard’s cheek and lingering for several seconds. “Thank you for telling me.”

John seemed to understand him, and tilted his head to rest gently against Kaidan’s. After a bit of quiet he breathed a soft laugh against Kaidan’s cheek. “Why do we always do this shit in the middle of the night?”

Kaidan smiled, pulling him to lay back down. “Because we’re tired, so we forget to be stoic jackasses.”

“Hm. Sounds about right.”

Kaidan rested his head on Shepard’s chest, slowly twirling his chest hair around his fingers as his eyelids grew heavy again. “Think you can go back to sleep? D’you wanna read a little?” He figured John could use a distraction, and a way to move on from such a heavy conversation.

Shepard was quiet for a moment. “…would you mind?”

“Nah.”

He sat up, reaching to turn on the lamp, and plucked the well-used book of poetry off of the side table. He took out the bookmark he’d stuck in between the pages, letting Shepard snuggle up close as he found where they’d left off.

“Ready?”

“Mm.”

Kaidan began.

 _Reach me down my Tycho Brahé, – I would know him when we meet,_  
_When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;_  
_He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how_  
_We are working to completion, working on from then to now._

 _Pray remember that I leave you all my theory complete,_  
_Lacking only certain data for your adding, as is meet,_  
_And remember men will scorn it, ‘tis original and true,_  
_And the obloquy of newness may fall bitterly on you._

 _But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learned the worth of scorn,_  
_You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn,_  
_What for us are all distractions of men’s fellowship and wiles;_  
_What for us the Goddess Pleasure with her meretricious smiles._

 _You may tell that German College that their honor comes too late,_  
_But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant’s fate._  
_Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;_  
_I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night._

* * *

The Illusive Man woke them early with messages in their inboxes, informing them that he finally had a lead. He didn’t say much more than that, of course, because he just loved it when he had information that they wanted. He was an asshole like that.

Kaidan sat up in bed, squinting into space and grumbling quietly. He was absolutely exhausted, the late night heart-to-heart having fucked with his sleep schedule. He was glad it had happened, though, even if he did feel like he’d been hit by a truck. Shepard looked much fresher as he rolled over and onto his feet, always able to function on far less sleep than Kaidan. He bent to kiss Kaidan’s cheek good morning, who couldn’t help the small smile in response.

“Come on. Let’s get coffee before we go see what he wants,” Shepard suggested, crossing to Kaidan’s set of drawers that they now practically shared. Didn’t stop him from borrowing one of Kaidan’s hoodies, though.

They did just that, Kaidan yawning and leaning sleepily on John while the latter poured them both coffee on the crew deck. They took their mugs with them to the comm room; as much as they wanted to make the Illusive Man wait a little bit, they were eager to hear that some progress could finally be made. Since Illium, they’d had next to nothing.

Kaidan was relieved to feel the caffeine flowing through him as they stepped inside and onto the platform, waiting for the Illusive Man to connect. His projection appeared before them, and Kaidan had to wonder if he was truly always smoking, or if he just lit one for dramatic effect right before calling. Either way, it was fucking annoying, and Kaidan had to wonder why, if his body had basically regrown itself, why hadn’t the ghost of his fucking nicotine addiction been ‘healed’ somehow? The Illusive Man had to know it bothered him, the smug son of a-

“Commander? Are you with us?”

Kaidan blinked, jarred out of his irritable reverie. “Yeah. What?” he asked, practically pouting at the Illusive Man. Shepard snorted quietly.

“As I was saying,” he continued dryly, “We have the location of one of your old crew members, Tali’Zorah. She’s on a mission on Haestrom for the Migrant Fleet Admiralty Board. Details are classified, but you’re to go there and recruit her for the mission.”

“We can try,” Shepard snorted. “If she’s on a mission for the Fleet, she’s probably gonna want to see that through rather than help Cerberus.”

“Make it happen, gentlemen,” the Illusive Man said firmly. “We need her engineering expertise to get us through the Omega 4 Relay. I’ll speak to you again once the mission is complete.”

Haestrom was “balls deep” in geth space, as Shepard eloquently put it, so they had a bit of time to kill on the journey there. After taking a shower and finally feeling like a real person again, Kaidan searched the ship for Ashley, who had returned from whatever errand she was running with Jack in the middle of the night, to inform her of the mission. He didn’t find her anywhere on the crew deck, or hanging around the CIC, so he headed below deck to see if she was spending time with Jack again. He rounded the corner to the alcove Jack had been occupying, freezing when he certainly found Ashley, pushed up against the wall with Jack’s hand up the front of her shirt and mouth trying to suck her face off. He felt nearly his entire body turn pink, from his head to his toes, and turned right back around and made a beeline back to his cabin.

Shepard was still there, rubbing his hair dry after his own shower. Kaidan was so mortified that he couldn’t even fully appreciate the fact that Shepard was only wearing a clingy pair of briefs.

“Uh, you good?” Shepard asked, snorting at whatever look was on his face. Kaidan imagined existential horror.

“Found Ash,” he said weakly.

“Okay…and?”

“She’s…occupied. With Jack.”

Shepard frowned at him for a long moment, then his lips popped open to form an ‘o.’ “Did you see them fucking?!”

“No!” Kaidan hissed, turning even more red. “Not…yet, anyway! They were working on it.”

Shepard threw his head back and fucking cackled at the ceiling, having to brace himself on the set of drawers so he didn’t topple over. “That’s fucking hilarious!”

Kaidan whined, pulling his hood over his head and yanking on the drawstrings, hiding his face entirely. “Is not!”

He scowled out of the tiny hole that was left, even as Shepard continued to giggle and hug him tightly. A nearly naked Shepard would not alleviate his desire to be fucking dead at that moment. Or maybe bleach his brain. “You poor thing,” Shepard sighed, patting his head condescendingly. Kaidan pulled his hood open again only to nip at his fingers. “Hey! No biting.”

“You’re an asshole, I’ll bite you whenever I want.”

“Can I at least have a safeword?”

Kaidan grabbed a pillow off of the bed, chucking it at his head as hard as he could and unable to stifle the grin as Shepard just continued to laugh at his expense.

* * *

He ended up sending Ash a message instead, and he and Shepard met up with her while climbing into the shuttle in preparation for the drop onto Haestrom. Ashley noticed he was being weird right away, and poked and prodded at him until he confessed.

“I…may have walked in on you and Jack.”

Ashley’s eyes went wide. “Uh. When?”

“You were still fully clothed,” Kaidan assured her, chin lifted high to conceal his discomfort. “But there were…hands. Places.”

She stared at him for another second, then snorted, and shoved him hard. “What, you just saw us making out? You look like you caught us ass naked.”

“I saw more than I ever wanted to,” Kaidan declared gravely.

“Oh, grow up.”

“It was like watching my little sister get…busy!”

“Holy shit, you are so ancient. Get _busy_?!”

Shepard had no comment as they snipped back and forth the entire ride down to the planet’s surface, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Their conversation was cut short as he disembarked, and the mission took priority.

“Next time, maybe try knocking,” Ashley snorted as she leapt out of the shuttle.

“Oh, believe me, I will.” Kaidan blinked and reached out as she started to walk ahead, taking her arm and holding her fast. “Watch it. The sun depletes your shields. We gotta stay in the shadows.”

Ashley glanced up at the sky. “Killer sun, huh? Cool.”

“Right?” Shepard grinned, elbowing her playfully. “Come on.”

Advancing into the colony, they stuck to the shadows cast by walls and buildings around them. They met none of the Geth presence that the Illusive Man had warned them about, at first, which only served to make them all more tense in response to the eery quiet. They found them soon enough, though, and Kaidan swore softly as he realized that this may turn out to be a rescue mission, rather than a recruitment one.

Geth were swarming the colony, dead Quarians littering the ground. Kaidan didn’t see anyone else alive, and wondered if they were too late with a sinking feeling in his gut. In the midst of battle, pressed up behind a concrete slab with Ashley to his left and John a few paces down to his right, he heard a voice. Metallic, a little muffled.

“ _Break-break-break OP-1, this is squad leader Kal’Reeger, do you copy?_ ”

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder for the source, realizing it was coming from the communicator on one of the deceased Quarians. “Shepard!” he called, nodding to the body as it was closer to his position.

John look at him, then at the body, before rushing over and scooping the communicator off of the corpse while keeping his head low.

“This is Shepard of the Normandy. Can we be of assistance?”

“Patch your radio in to channel 617 Theta,” Kal’Reeger told him. He resumed speaking once they’d all done as he asked. “We were on a stealth mission, high risk. We found what we were looking for, but…the geth found us. They’ve got us pinned down. Can’t get to our ship or transmit data.”

“How many of you are left?” Shepard asked with a deep frown.

“Started small to begin with. Dozen marines, plus the science team,” said Kal’Reeger. “We’re down to half strength, now.”

Shepard grunted quietly, peering across the way toward the other end of the colony. “How’re you holding up? We can be there in a few minutes.”

“We can hold for a few. Take it slow and steady. We’re bunkered down at base camp across the valley. I left Tali’Zorah at a secure shelter and then doubled back. Getting Tali out is top priority; if you can extract her, we’ll cover you.”

Shepard nodded, making eye contact with Ashley and Kaidan. “Hold position,” he instructed Kal’Reeger. “We’ll hit their back flanks.”

“Standing by.”

They pushed forward, mowing down more Geth as they went. They seemed to never end, and Kaidan found that he was exhausted by the time they reached the other end of the valley. Ashley accidentally stepped into the sun without thinking, and although Shepard dragged her back within a few seconds, she fried half her shields. “Shit,” she hissed, sounding as breathless as Kaidan felt. “Can we hurry up so we can get the fuck out of here?”

Shepard snorted and nodded, taking point as they proceeded around a corner, just beyond which lay Kal’Reeger’s signal. They found him taking shelter behind a wall, flinching as bullets pinged off of the concrete near his head but didn’t connect. He was bleeding a little, but nothing appeared to be life threatening.

“Kal’Reeger,” Shepard shouted over the noise, hurrying toward him. Kaidan followed tight on his heels, Ashley beside him as they kept their heads low to avoid fire.

“Get to cover!” Kal’Reeger replied sharply. “Before the colossus gets ideas!”

Kaidan blinked, glancing out from behind cover to find that the guy wasn’t fucking with them; a Geth colossus stood at the far end of the camp, poised to strike.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered.

“Still got no idea why you’re here,” Kal’Reeger scoffed breathlessly. “But this ain’t the time to be picky. Tali’s inside the observatory over there. The colossus is blocking the way. The Geth killed the rest of my squad trying to get to her, and the most I’ve been able to do is just get their attention.”

“Are you sure she’s still alive?” Shepard asked.

“The observatory is reinforced; even the geth will need time to get through,” Kal’Reeger told him. “I’ve been making it difficult for them, so far, but I can’t go on forever.” He flinched and shifted further back into cover when bullet’s ricocheted near his head, and the other three followed suit. “Shit. The geth are nearly at platoon strength, but the colossus is the worst part. Tried getting past it, but that just left me open to the Geth, and one of them shot me right through my suit.”

Kaidan blinked, looking down at his injuries. “How bad is the suit damage?” he asked anxiously.

Kal’Reeger shook his head. “Combat seals clamped down to isolate contamination, and I’m swimming in antibiotics.” He scoffed sharply. “The Geth might get me, but I’m not gonna die from infection during a fight. That’s just insulting.”

Shepard pursed his lips, peering out at the battlefield briefly. “Any advice you can give me on how to advance?”

“Best shot is probably the left side of the field,” Kal’Reeger advised. “Gives you some cover from the colossus. That’s how I got shot, though, leaves your ass open to fire from the Geth. Move slow and stick close to your squadmates so you can cover each other.”

“Sounds risky,” Shepard huffed, his jaw working back and forth and eyes flitting across the field of battle.

“We’ll probably need to just prepare for some injury and get it done as quickly as we can,” Kaidan told him tensely. “Try not to get our heads blown off and make friends with medigel.”

Kal’Reeger sat up a bit straighter. “I’m not moving so well, but I’ve got a rocket launcher that the sun hasn’t fried yet. I’ll keep the colossus busy so you can get in close and take it out.”

Shepard shook his head forcefully. “You’ve done enough, soldier. You don’t need to throw your life away, we can handle this.”

The quarian’s shoulders squared stubbornly. “Wasn’t asking your permission. I need to protect Tali, and this is our best shot,” he said fiercely. He leaned forward, as if to move out of cover, and Shepard reached out to shove him back against the wall.

“We don’t have enough people on our side for you to take one for the team!” he snarled, the old note of authority creeping into his voice. “Stand down!” Kaidan felt a soft tug of pride in his chest; John didn’t need a rank in front of his name to command respect.

“I’m not gonna stand there while you run into enemy fire!” Kal’Reeger shot back. “They killed my whole squad!”

“I get it,” Shepard told him sharply. “I do. But we need you here in case the Geth call for reinforcements! You go out in a blaze of fucking glory like that, and our backs are wide open! If you wanna honor your squad, cover mine.”

Kal’Reeger stared at him for a long moment, before finally nodding curtly. “Alright. We’ll do it your way, Shepard. Keelah se’lai.”

Shepard clapped his shoulder twice, before nodding to Ashley and Kaidan. “Let’s move, people.”

They reloaded, braced themselves, and then darted out of cover. Gunfire was on them in an instant, and they hugged the wall tightly as they made their way along the left side of the battlefield. Kal’Reeger had been correct; the colossus couldn’t get a lock on them, but the Geth had easy targets. Bullets pinged off of his armor, and with little to do other than keep running, Kaidan set his jaw and pushed harder. His vision tunneled, his eyes trained on the back of Shepard’s head as he focused all of his energy on just following as quickly as he could.

He miraculously avoided getting shot through his armor, and the three of them slammed their backs up against the concrete wall just behind the colossus.

“Sound off,” Shepard called.

“All good,” Kaidan replied.

“Hit in the shoulder, not serious,” Ashley shouted. “Can still shoot.”

“Alright.” Shepard reloaded his weapon with swift hands. “Kaidan. I need you to Overload that thing so we can take it out.”

Kaidan stared at him, lips parted. “I-I can try,” he stuttered. “I’m not sure-”

Shepard knocked his helmet against his, an affectionate gesture he’d been fond of back before…everything. Kaidan smiled weakly.

“You’ve got this,” Shepard told him firmly. “You can.”

“Okay. Okay,” Kaidan nodded, setting his jaw determinedly. “I can do it.”

“Good. Ash, when Kaidan fucks it’s shields, fire at it’s eye. It’s a weak point.”

“Got it.”

Kaidan took a steadying breath, already building up energy and feeling his skin prickle in response. He ground his teeth together and stepped out of cover, squeezing his eyes shut and snarling with effort as he threw an Overload toward the colossus. It twitched and sparked, but didn’t freeze. It’s shields stayed in tact. Kaidan’s face fell. “Fuck.”

“Try again!” Shepard shouted, picking off Geth with Ashley.

Kaidan swallowed thickly, clenching his fists and doing as he asked-one more time, one more time. His mind was racing, his thoughts spiraling through worst case scenarios and what the fuck they were gonna do when this didn’t work, it wasn’t going to work, he wasn’t strong enough-

“ _Focus, Kaidan!_ ”

Kaidan opened his eyes. He picked a spot on the colossus-the eye, it’s weak spot, Shepard had said-and kept his gaze trained there as he began to redirect all of his energy once more. He ignored how exhausted he was, the gunfire around him, the fact that the thing had now turned to face him and looked ready to fire. The space around him began to warp and glow, the sound of it in his ears like feedback on a guitar amp. He threw his hands out in front of him, his amp suddenly ached with a sharp, stabbing throb, and he let out a cry of effort and pain as the next Overload slammed into the colossus and froze it in place, it’s shields winking out all at once.

“Now, Ash!” Shepard cried, and the pair of them fired their heaviest weapons at the thing’s eye. Kaidan pulled out his rifle to help, and just as it’s shields began to stir again, the eye burst into a mess of sparks and wires, short-circuiting the rest of it’s body. It collapsed, no more than pile of junk, and flattened a few geth in the process.

After that, it was short work picking off the rest of the geth, and Kaidan sagged against the nearest wall, catching his breath and pressing a palm to his forehead. Fuck, he felt kind of woozy, actually. He lowered his hand, blinking slowly as Shepard’s face filled his vision. He stared at him, watching his mouth move but unable to understand what he was saying. “Huh?” he slurred, squinting.

“-said are you alright?” Shepard’s voice finally became clear, as if Kaidan had emerged from underwater. “You’re sheet fucking white, K.”

“M’fine,” Kaidan insisted, taking a step and having to lean up against the wall again as the ground seemed to tilt beneath him. “Ugh. Think I overdid it.”

“Shit,” Shepard sighed. “Here, sit-Kaidan!”

One moment Kaidan was standing, the next he was on his back, staring up at the sky blearily. “I’m fine,” he insisted again. “Just need a second.”

He couldn’t see Shepard’s face, and he didn’t reply at first, so Kaidan just closed his eyes to try and center himself and ignore how much he suddenly wanted to throw up.

“Ashley. Keep an eye on him, here. I’ll go get Tali, we’ll be right back.”

“I’ve got him.”

Kaidan felt a palm on his cheek, and lips on his forehead, and then it was just him again. Him and the ground moving underneath him like a fucking waterbed.

It was always fucking something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The excerpt Kaidan read was from The Old Astronomer by Sarah Williams.


	27. Chapter 27

Kaidan’s eyes opened to slits, and he wasn’t dead.

His head pounded a little, right at the base of his skull, but he was otherwise in one piece. He squinted into the bright light, finding that he was still on his back on Haestrom, except now his head was elevated a bit and he could hear clearly the rustling wind and quiet voices several feet behind him, rather than muffled like he was underwater. He craned his neck, finding that the pillow under his head was actually Ashley’s legs.

“And he lives,” she snorted, holding out a hand to steady him as he pushed himself up to sit. “You okay?”

“I think so,” Kaidan nodded, wincing when his head throbbed more with the movement. “Ugh. Gonna have a killer head-splitter, later.”

Ashley nodded sympathetically. “You were a fucking badass, though. That was so cool.”

He snickered softly, pulling off his glove and rubbing his sore eyes. “Thanks. Still have a lot to work on, apparently.”

“I’ll give you that maybe you shouldn’t pass out in the middle of a battle every time,” Ash shrugged. “Still was pretty impressive.”

“Mm.” Kaidan glanced over his shoulder. “Did Shepard get to Tali? Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’s alright. You’ve only been out a couple minutes. Kal’Reegar made it, too, although Tali almost fucking killed him herself for being a self-sacrificing jackass.”

“I know the feeling,” Kaidan drawled, smirking a bit. He pushed himself up to his feet, frowning and swaying in place as all the blood rushed from his head. He waved Ashley off when she tried to steady him, managing it on his own and taking a deep breath once the world had righted itself once more. “Alright. I’m good.”

Ashley gave him a wary look. “Sure you are. Good as new. Just go see Chakwas when we’re done here, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

The pair of them followed the dampened voices into the observatory, finding Shepard talking to Kal’Reegar and Tali, arms crossed over his chest. When Kaidan and Ashley entered, Shepard looked like he was about to start nagging Kaidan about walking. He was interrupted as Tali gasped and dashed forward to hug Kaidan tightly.

“Hey, Tali,” he laughed, squeezing her back. “Long time, no see.”

She snorted and swatted his arm gently. “I can’t believe you’re here! You show up at the strangest times.” She glanced at Ashley, then did a double take. “And-Ashl-what is happening? I thought you were still with the Alliance?”

“I am,” Ashley laughed, blinking and catching Tali as she threw her arms around her as well. “Hi.”

“It’s so good to see you all,” Tali sighed.

“What were you doing all the way out here?” Kaidan asked her. “Was this the mission you told me about at Freedom’s Progress?”

Tali nodded, distractedly sifting through data on her omnitool. “Yes. It’s been a disaster. Haestrom’s sun is destabilizing, much more quickly than should be natural. When this was a quarian colony, it was just a normal star, and that wasn’t all that long ago. The Admiralty Board sent me to investigate.”

“Any idea what’s causing it?” Ashley asked, frowning at her.

“At a guess? Dark energy affecting the interior, like when stars enter a red giant phase. That’s what it looks like, anyway. But like I said, Haestrom’s sun is far too young for this to be occurring naturally.”

Shepard hummed, glancing toward the open door. Kaidan was pretty sure they were thinking the same thing; the killer sun rays certainly made a lot more sense.

“Lot of quarians lost their lives here,” Shepard noted quietly, looking to Kal’Reegar and then back to Tali. “Was it worth it?”

“It damn well better be,” Tali muttered, almost bitterly.

“We could use you on the Normandy, Tali,” Kaidan said. “Can you come with us, now?”

Tali nodded, fiddling with her omnitool again. “I promised to see this mission through, and I have. I will join you. And if the Board doesn’t like it, they can go to hell.”

“I’ll send the data on the sun back to them,” Kal’Reegar suggested, and Kaidan could hear the slight grimace in his voice at the way Tali was talking. Still, he didn’t argue with her.

“If you need a lift, we can take you,” Shepard offered.

Kal’Reegar shook his head. “My ship isn’t damaged, I can make it back alright.”

Tali turned toward him, laying an affectionate hand on the side of his helmet, where his cheek might be if she could touch his skin. “Thank you,” she murmured. “For everything. I owe you my life.”

“Just doing my job,” he replied softly.

Kaidan looked away, sensing that he was witnessing something that ought to be private. Shepard appeared to get the same feeling, leading the way back outside, Kaidan and Ashley following behind.

* * *

The second they set foot back on the Normandy, Kaidan made a beeline for his cabin and popped a couple of painkillers. Thankfully, that dulled the ache in his skull to something minor and slightly irritating, rather that debilitating, so he took what he could get. He took off his armor once he was sure he was going to be alright, piece by piece and hanging it up on it’s stand in his closet. He felt instant relief and disgust once his skin met the air, realizing that his uniform was damp with sweat. He grimaced, pulling that off as well.

He was down to his t-shirt and briefs when Shepard came through the door, already peeling off his own armor. Kaidan laughed. “You’re hot too, huh?”

“I feel fucking disgusting,” Shepard snorted, setting his bloodied bits and plates of armor on the desk. Kaidan gave him an unimpressed grimace. “What? I have to clean it.”

“On my desk, though?”

“…yeah?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, pulling his shirt over his head. “Just disinfect it when you’re done, you animal.”

Shepard snickered, getting the last of it off and started to remove his uniform, as well. “Yes, sir.”

The playful honorific reminded Kaidan of the feeling he’d had on Haestrom, when Shepard had taken charge and filled Kaidan with overwhelming pride and admiration. “Hey. Can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah. Can we talk about it in the shower, though?” Shepard asked with a laugh.

Kaidan snorted, nodding and following him to the bathroom. “Sure. You act like you’ve never been covered in blood before. And who knows what else. This is mostly sweat.”

“If I don’t _have_ to be nasty, then I’m not gonna,” Shepard told him, reaching to turn on the shower. “Enjoy your luxuries while you have them, and all that shit.”

Kaidan smiled fondly, shaking his head. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and froze. Fuck. He’d forgotten he was covered in scars now, scars that weren’t there before, that he hadn’t earned. They’d just appeared, the product of being only half baked. And Shepard hadn’t seen him naked since then, had only gotten far enough to pull his pants halfway down and his cock out and that was it.

He was trying to decide if he should flee and throw his shirt back on when Shepard turned to look at him, frowning in confusion at his silence. His eyes softened when he saw Kaidan staring into the mirror, and he approached slowly. Kaidan’s gaze swiveled toward him instead, and he tensed up when he reached out to touch him.

“K,” Shepard said quietly. “It’s just some scars. We’ve got lots of those.”

“Not like these,” Kaidan murmured, avoiding his eyes. “I look…”

“Good,” Shepard supplied, smiling and bending to kiss him gently. “You look good. Now come on. We smell terrible.”

And that was that. No cliches, no trying to make him admit he was beautiful, no speeches about how Shepard still felt the same way even if he was a patchwork of a man. Just a simple fact - that he looked good naked. Kaidan laughed quietly, taking a breath through his nose and pushing his underwear to the floor, as well.

Right. Just some scars.

He stepped under the spray with Shepard, sighing in relief as his hair was soaked and his skin warmed. He turned his face up into the water, taking a moment to scrub away sweat and dirt with his palms. He smiled when he felt thick arms wrap around his waist, and he pressed back against John’s chest. “Hey.”

“Hey,” John whispered back, kissing his ear gently. He turned Kaidan around slowly, his eyes sweeping over him. “Don’t think I’ve seen you naked since before.”

Kaidan laughed quietly, shaking his head. “No. Don’t think so. I’m a bit more beat up than I used to be.”

“Just souvenirs,” Shepard told him. “Of what you’ve been through to get back to me. Or, well. Not just me, but...”

Kaidan smiled, reaching to run his fingers through his soaked hair. Rivulets of water trailed down Shepard’s cheeks, and he kissed one of them away. “No. I came back to you.”

John smiled softly, pressing his forehead to Kaidan’s. “Thank fuck for that.”

They separated only to retrieve soap and start washing up. John lathered up a cloth, but instead of himself, he reached to take one of Kaidan’s arms, scrubbing gently at his skin. Kaidan blushed a little at the intimacy, but allowed it, watching him with gentle eyes. As John moved on to his chest, he remembered what he’d wanted to say earlier. “So I wanted to talk to you.”

“Mm. Yeah. What’s up?” Shepard asked, still methodically cleansing Kaidan’s skin.

“Back on Haestrom. You really took charge, in a way you haven’t since coming aboard here,” Kaidan pointed out, his voice gently.

Shepard grimaced, glancing up at him guiltily before going back to what he was doing. “Yeah. I’m sorry. Shit got hairy, and I guess it just…happened. I’ve been trying not to.”

“I’m not mad,” Kaidan assured him. “I…liked it.” Shepard looked at him again and he took a breath, trying to piece the words together. “I just…I’ve had people under me, of course. And I can lead, when I need to. But I’m not…you’re just a natural, John. And when we’re in the field, I want to follow you. I’m _proud_ to follow you.”

John was quiet for a few moments, brow slightly furrowed as he processed. “I appreciate that. Is that what you want?” he asked eventually, turning Kaidan around gently and beginning to scrub his back. “Do you want me to step up?”

Kaidan let out a heavy breath, enjoying the cloth lightly scratching his skin and Shepard’s palm pressing into his sore muscles. “I don’t know. Yes. I do. But…” He huffed bitterly, shaking his head. “This is exactly what the Illusive Man wanted.”

“What do you mean?”

“He never wanted me,” Kaidan scoffed. “He brought me back to get to you. You’re the one he wanted at the head of everything, so he could try to…I don’t know. Warm you up to Cerberus’ cause. Put the Savior of the Citadel as the face of his organization. And I practically handed you to him gift wrapped.”

Shepard grunted disapprovingly. “I’m a grown man, Kaidan. I’m not so easily manipulated.”

“I know that,” Kaidan conceded. “But he knew you would help me. And I’m sure he knew that eventually, you’d step up and take the leadership position. He probably even figured I’d ask you to take it.”

He was spun around once again, coming face to face with Shepard’s wolfish eyes gazing seriously into his own. “Alright. Look,” he began, his hands on Kaidan’s shoulders. The spray beat gently on the back of Kaidan’s head, dulling the ache there. “We’re in this together, now, and we’re in this because we choose to be. Any minute we could leave. The Illusive Man knows that, and we know that. But we won’t, because we have a job to do. I’m here because I want to be. Not because you weaseled me in, and sure as shit not because the Illusive Man wants me.”

“I just feel guilty,” Kaidan admitted softly. “I never wanted you involved at all, but somehow…”

“We’re a team, K,” Shepard interrupted, cupping his cheek. “And if what you need is for me to step up, then I will. And with you watching my back, the Illusive Man won’t be able to do shit to either of us. We’ll get this done, and we’ll do it our way.”

Kaidan smiled weakly, leaning forward to sweetly peck his lips. “Okay,” he whispered.

“Okay,” Shepard replied.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the week break between chapters, y'all - I just finished up my school year and was traveling to visit family during that time period, so I really needed the time to just focus on that! Thanks for being lovely, as always <3

While aboard the SR-1, Kaidan had spent a lot of time on the observation deck. It was quiet, with a small library (that he’d mostly stocked himself), comfortable chairs and dim lighting. The SR-2 was hardly different, though with less books at the moment; Kaidan hoped to rectify that…sometime. He supposed it depended on the outcome of their mission.

The SR-2’s observation deck also had a large window, nearly floor to ceiling, exposing the stars and vast blackness beyond the Normandy’s walls. He approached it slowly, letting out a slow sigh as he took a moment to let his mind quiet. They were stagnant again. Well, not really. They were making upgrades to the ship, Tali taking the lead and instructing Cerberus’ engineers as they improved the Normandy’s shields and armor. Garrus was also working hard enhancing the Normandy’s weapons, installing canons that would allow them to take out any Collector ships that tried to get in their way.

Everyone was working hard trying to up their chances of surviving the trip through the Omega 4 Relay - a trip that no one in galactic history had lived to tell the tale of.

Kaidan’s gut curled once again, and grimaced through the sickly swoop, like he’d missed a step coming down stairs. The reality of the fact that this might be a suicide mission had been pushed aside until recently. He’d been too busy worrying about coming back to life, worrying about Shepard, worrying about Cerberus. Now their team was complete, and all that was left was to prepare the Normandy, and pray that it was enough to survive the trip through the relay. Even if they didn’t make it back out, they at least had to get to the Collector base, before the Reapers used them to launch their assault before the Milky Way could prepare.

“Commander.”

Kaidan inhaled sharply, startled, but relaxed when he realized it was only Samara. Since bringing her aboard, he really hadn’t gotten chance to speak to her much. She kept to herself, meditating on the observation deck and never taking meals with the rest of the crew. Apparently Ashley had been spending time with her, which struck him as…odd. Ash had grown in recent years regarding her views on aliens, working closely with members of so many different species having tempered her. Still, he’d never known her to actively try to become buddies with an alien, and certainly not to seek out one-on-one time.

Nonetheless, she and Jack had disappeared on another errand, this time with Samara in tow. They’d been gone for a couple of days while the Normandy remained dock at a port in the middle of nowhere as repairs and upgrades were made.

Kaidan realized, now, that he really didn’t know much about Samara. He knew that she was a thousand-or-so year old asari justicar, that she spoke often of her daughters who were ardat-yakshi, one of whom had gone rogue and she was hunting down. Morinth. Kaidan wondered if that was why Ash and Jack had gone with her. The thought of them facing down an ardat-yakshi, especially one that was being hunted down for her crimes by her own mother, made him nervous.

“Hey,” he greeted, turning to face Samara as she entered the observation deck, seeming to glide across the floor in her powerful grace. “You were gone a couple of days. Everything alright?”

“Ashley and Jack are unharmed,” Samara assured him, her voice deep and lilting. She approached the window, standing beside Kaidan and slowly folding her arms over her chest. “My daughter, Morinth. She is dead.”

Kaidan frowned deeply. “Dead? I’m…sorry, I -”

“I killed her,” Samara corrected him, still gazing steadily out the window. “It needed to be done.”

Kaidan watched her for a long moment. “You said she’d gone rogue. What…what had she done?”

Samara let out a long sigh through her nose. “She had become addicted to using her ardat-yakshi abilities to murder her lovers. She was sick. Lost to me. I…the Code demanded that I end her life.”

“Can’t have been easy,” Kaidan murmured. “Even if it was necessary. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Samara said, a little stiffly, like she wasn’t sure how to respond. “In any case. I am now free to focus on this mission.”

Kaidan nodded, leaning with one shoulder against the wall as he ran his fingers through his hair agitatedly. “Yeah. Would be nice if we weren’t always just sitting around waiting for something to happen.”

Samara’s piercing eyes were on him, then, and he met them expectantly, but she was silent for nearly a full minute before speaking. “It is likely we will die on this mission,” she said eventually.

Kaidan blinked, but nodded once. “It’s…possible. But we’re doing everything we can to avoid that.”

“But it is likely.”

“…yeah.”

“Then,” she sighed, turning toward the inky blackness and smattering of stars once again, “I would suggest you enjoy the peace while you can, Commander. I would not hasten death.”

***

“Commander. Collect Shepard and the both of you report to the comm room. The Illusive Man has a lead.”

Kaidan changed direction, having been making his way to his quarters, and headed toward the cargo bay instead. “Will do. Thanks, Miranda,” he replied, closing out the comm channel as he stepped into the elevator. His heart began to race a bit as he rode down, bouncing on the balls of his feet. A lead. What did that mean? They had no more dossiers to pursue, so that could only mean…maybe another colony?

He stepped out as the door parted, smiling a bit as he found Shepard and Grunt once again at the shooting range. Shepard had graduated Grunt to bigger and bigger weapons, but the krogan seemed to prefer a shotgun to all others. Close range, big impact. Made sense.

Shepard looked up when he heard Kaidan’s footsteps, grinning and waving. Grunt waved too, with the hand holding the shotgun, and Shepard swore and quickly took it away. “Don’t wave that around!”

Grunt cackled, slapping Shepard’s back so hard he stumbled a step. “You’re so uptight, Shepard!”

Since completing the Rite, Grunt had become more stable, less irritable. He was still loud, and enjoyed fighting, but he didn’t break things, and he laughed more often. He could hold a conversation without pacing or twitching or flipping over a table. Kaidan was starting to see what Shepard liked about him.

“I am not uptight,” Shepard sniffed, glaring at Kaidan as he snickered. “I just don’t think we need to be dealing with a friendly fire incident this far along in the mission.

“Friendly fire,” Grunt snorted. “My people call that ‘should’ve gotten out of the damn way.’”

Shepard lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “Cute. Here,” he said, holding the shotgun back out for Grunt to take. “No shooting crew members.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

John turned toward Kaidan, leaning to kiss his cheek briefly. “Hey. Haven’t seen you all day. What’s up?”

“We’ve gotta go talk to the Illusive Man,” Kaidan informed him. “Miranda says he has a lead. I dunno what that means, but…”

John’s brow furrowed and he nodded, turning to clap Grunt’s shoulder. “You take it from here, bud. I’ve gotta run.”

“Can do,” Grunt said with a grin, promptly blasting two holes in one of the targets with a glint in his eyes.

Kaidan and John made their way to the communication chamber, Kaidan bouncing on the balls of his feet again while Shepard worked to shred his cuticles with his own teeth. Kaidan reached to take his hand so he would stop, receiving a grateful squeeze in return.

They stepped inside of the room, the Illusive Man’s projection appearing almost immediately. “Gentlemen,” he greeted. “I hope you’ve been resting during this lull, because the culmination of all of our hard work is drawing near.”

“I hope so. We’ve been all over the damn galaxy, and when we’re not doing that, we’re tickling our assholes at some port in the middle of buttfucking nowhere,” Shepard drawled. “The Reapers will have time to take a vacation on their way here and still fuck us all up.”

The Illusive Man stared at him for a moment, silently taking a drag of his already half-smoked cigarette. “We’ve intercepted a distress call,” he said eventually, releasing smoke from between his lips. “From a Turian patrol. They stumbled upon a Collector ship, beyond the Korlus system. They were wiped out, but not before they disabled the vessel.”

“Disabled it?” Kaidan repeated, raising his eyebrows. “That’s…handy.”

“Indeed,” the Illusive Man agreed. “The two of you, and a small team, are to board that ship and get us some hard data on the Collectors. This may be our ticket to finding a way onto their homeworld.”

“If the Turians were investigating, why didn’t they send in a recon team when they lost contact with the scouts?” Shepard asked, narrowing his eyes.

“They will. Eventually,” the Illusive Man said simply. “But I’ve intercepted the transmission. In the meantime, we’re feeding them false reports.”

It was silent, Shepard trying to read the Illusive Man’s face while the latter just gazed back at him impassively, slowly working at his cigarette. Eventually Shepard straightened, his chin jutted outward and his hands clasped behind his back. You could take the man out of the military…

“Fine. Send me the coordinates.”

The Illusive Man quirked an eyebrow. “No longer content to take the backseat, John?”

Shepard curled back his lip, snarling his words. “It’s Shepard.”

The corner of the Illusive Man’s mouth twitched almost imperceptibly. “I’ll send over the coordinates along with further instruction. When you reach the vessel, establish an uplink with EDI. She’ll mine their data for information regarding how to pass through the Omega 4 relay.”

“Fine.” Shepard disconnected the call, passing a hand over his mouth with a harsh sigh through his nose. He met Kaidan’s eyes, shaking his head slowly. “…god, I fucking hate that guy.”

Kaidan snorted, loudly, and nodded. “Yeah. Join the club.”

***

As Joker brought them to the coordinates the Illusive Man had provided, Kaidan allowed Shepard to decide who would be on their team to board the Collector vessel. In the meantime, he occupied himself with making sure they were well-supplied, which included paying a visit to Mordin in the lab. He stepped through the door, finding the salarian humming some jolly tune Kaidan didn’t recognize, bobbing his head along to the beat. He glanced up briefly from what he was doing, nodding once to acknowledge Kaidan presence.

“Hey,” Kaidan greeted, coming to a stop in front of Mordin’s desk. “I hope I’m not interrupted anything.”

“Nothing that can’t be resumed,” Mordin assured him. “Need something?”

“Yeah. I was wondering if you’d made any progress on enhancing that anti-seeker stuff. If we’re gonna be boarding a collector ship, and their homeworld, we’re probably gonna be dealing with really, really big swarms.”

“Been looking into it,” Mordin murmured, turning back to what he’d been working on before Kaidan interrupted. Kaidan now noticed that it was a dead seeker, pulled apart so Mordin could fiddle around inside. For some reason, it was odd to see. “Nothing, so far. Repellent only works short range, low volume of targets. Considering likely volume of seekers on homeworld…” Mordin too a deep, audible breath through his nose, “…problematic.”

Kaidan frowned, crossing his arms over his chest and watching as Mordin swept through data on his tablet. “So what’s the alternative? We’re on our way to a disabled Collector ship right now, and after that it won’t be long before we’re passing through the relay.”

Mordin hummed, not answering him for a moment as he continued to click through his files. “Seekers repelled by biotic fields. No cloaking effect; less efficient than repellent in that way. But will do the job. Get team through the base.”

“So we just make sure every team has a biotic when we infiltrate,” Kaidan said, nodding slowly. “We can do that.”

“Agreed.”

“What about this vessel? Do you suspect we’ll need more than your repellent for that?”

Mordin shook his head, setting his tablet aside. “No. Will be sufficient. Unlikely to be a large volume of seekers; probably similar to what has been encountered in colonies.”

“Mm,” Kaidan nodded. “Makes sense. Alright, well, I won’t take up anymore of your time.”

Mordin waved him off. “Not at all. Glad to be of service, Commander.”

***

Shepard had added Jack and Ashley to their mission roster, not surprising Kaidan in the least. The four of them did work well together, though, with Shepard and Jack acting as muscle while Ash and Kaidan laid down cover and made sure shit ran smoothly. Hadn’t steered them wrong so far.

Kaidan was quiet as he and Shepard strapped themselves with weapons in the cargo bay. It had been easy to ignore the grave reality of their situation when there was still so much to do, so much between them and the moment of truth. He could feel Shepard’s eyes on him, knew he was worrying him, but he just wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to say quite yet. Wasn’t sure what one was _meant_ to say when they were preparing for not only their own voluntary death, but those of people they loved.

Joker announced over the intercom that they were approaching the Collector vessel, so the pair of them made their way to the cockpit on swift feet.

“Low level emissions,” EDI said as they approached. Joker’s eyes were still on his monitors, but he didn’t interrupt her. “Passive infrared temperatures suggest that most systems are offline. Thrusters are cold.”

Joker whistled lowly, sitting back in his seat. “That thing is huge. How did the Turians take it out?”

“Good question,” Shepard murmured, squinting at the image of the ship on Joker’s screen.

“You two playing nice now?” Kaidan asked, glancing between Joker and EDI’s projection.

“Eh. She’s alright,” Joker shrugged.

“She?”

Joker stiffened, glaring at him defensively. “Don’t push it, Alenko.”

Kaidan snickered quietly, letting it go.

The Normandy slowly glided closer to the downed ship, and Kaidan was also impressed by how enormous the thing was, easily dwarfing the Normandy, and wondered the same thing Joker had - how the hell had a Turian scout team taken that thing down?

“No hull breaches detected on this side,” EDI announced. “I also detect no mass effect distortions. The drive core appears to be offline.”

Joker let out a breath through his nose, nodding to Shepard and Kaidan briefly. “Rendezvous in 30 seconds. Good luck.”

“Thanks, Joker.”

Kaidan followed Shepard to the cargo bay at a jog, where Ashley and Jack were already armored up and waiting by the shuttle.

“Pile in,” Shepard instructed, waiting until everyone had seated themselves inside of the vehicle before climbing in himself.

Kaidan took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth as the shuttle pilot took them out of the cargo bay and down to the drop point, an entry point in the side of the Collector ship’s hull. It didn’t look to be a breach, but the vessel was so unnatural to Kaidan it was honestly hard to tell. He fidgeted as he waited for the approach, his leg jiggling.

“Jesus, who let Alenko have caffeine before the mission?” Jack snorted.

“I’m not hyper, just nervous,” Kaidan retorted. “Don’t be a pain in the ass.”

Jack snorted, smirking and reaching to clap her hand roughly on his helmet. It almost reminded him of Shepard’s affectionate helmet slaps, except a little harder. “Don’t be nervous, boyscout. I’ll protect you.”

Ashley snickered.

“I don’t know why I talk to you people,” Kaidan sighed, secretly relieved to have the banter to distract him. “You’re all terrible.”

“Ouch,” Shepard drawled.

“Don’t even start, you’re the worst of all.”

Shepard just smiled, clamping a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder and shaking him gently. “It’s gonna be fine. We’ve been through worse, right?”

Kaidan took another long, slow breath. “Yeah. Been through worse,” he murmured, looking out the window again as the drop point grew nearer. The hatch on the shuttle released, and the soft hum of the vehicle was replaced by the roaring silence of open space.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another delay y'all, my lord. It has just been One of Those Summers. My obligations are mostly taken care of now, though, so we should be back to regularly scheduled programming! Thank you, as always, for being awesome and for all the love <3

Kaidan craned his neck back as he followed Shepard onto the Collector ship, Ash and Jack close on his heels. The hallway they’d found themselves in was dimly lit, the walls of the ship coated in a sticky substance that squelched underneath his boots. He could hear faint dripping in the distance.

“It’s like some kind of…hive,” Ashley breathed, taking in their surroundings herself.

“Fucking weird,” Jack drawled, though her jaw was tense and her eyes sharp as they darted from side to side.

“EDI,” Shepard said, pressing his fingers briefly to his comm. “What have you got for us?”

A moment passed, and then EDI’s voice broadcasted to each of them. “Penetrating scans have detected an access node to uplink with Collector databanks. Transferring navpoint to your hardsuit computer, Shepard.”

Shepard nodded once, disconnecting the communication and pulling his rifle out of it’s holster. “Alright. Let’s push, keep an eye out. Kaidan, watch thermals.”

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan said automatically, not even realizing it until he noticed Shepard glance at him almost imperceptibly. He didn’t comment, hoping John would just let it go.

They continued on down the passage, the ceilings high and walls far apart. The ship was clearly meant to carry a large volume of soldiers, as well as the swarms of seekers. Kaidan caught light out of the corner of his eye and glanced upward, instantly grimacing at the glowing clusters of sacs attached to the ceiling, steadily dripping a slimy substance onto his visor.

“The fuck?” Jack practically reeled backward, pointing her pistol up at them. “Are those eggs?!”

“I’d rather not find out,” Shepard snorted. “Don’t shoot them open.”

Ashley nudged Jack playfully, her mouth tilted in a smirk. “You scared of bugs? I’ll squish them for you.”

Jack narrowed her eyes at her, placing a hand on Ash’s helmet and shoving lightly. “You think you’re sooo funny.”

“Focus, people,” Shepard admonished, shaking his head. “It’s like herding cats with you three.”

Kaidan’s jaw dropped. “Hey!”

John didn’t take it back, and Kaidan kicked his boot before continuing to follow him down the passage. It was deathly silent, their footsteps echoing in the tall ceilings.

“Shepard,” said EDI’S voice, “I have compared the ship’s EM signature to known Collector profiles. It is the vessel that you encountered on Horizon.”

Ashley’s hands tightened on her rifle. “Seriously? The colonists might still be aboard!”

“Easy,” Shepard said lowly, his eyes still narrowed and flitting back and forth as he continuously surveyed their surroundings. “If they’re here, we’ll find them. But we gotta keep taking it slow. We don’t know what we’ll find.”

Ashley let out a long breath through her nose, but nodded once. “Yes, sir. I mean. Shepard.”

The hall they’d been walking down came to an end, branching off to the right and left. Shepard made to lead them down to the right, then paused and huffed quietly, the noise crackling over Kaidan’s comm. “Blocked.”

Kaidan came to stand beside him, frowning at the cluster of opened, man-sized pods, their shape vaguely familiar and causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise. “Hey. Those are like the pods on Horizon. Just…empty.”

“Yeah,” Shepard murmured, and Kaidan could hear the frown in his voice. “Come on. Let’s keep moving.”

The path to the left led them into a larger chamber which veered off and became another hallway. The ceiling rose even farther and held bigger clusters of the same glowing sacs. Below these, a pile of dark flesh that Kaidan recognized as human remains upon closer inspection, dried up like the life had been sucked out of them before they were cast aside.

He grit his teeth, his lips forming a hard line. “Bastards.”

“Why would they just leave dead people lying around?” Jack asked tensely. “What the hell’s the point?”

“Could’ve been experiments. Got thrown away when the Collectors were done with them,” Shepard murmured lowly.

“There could still be people alive,” Ashley insisted, her voice a sharp snarl. “We need to keep looking!”

Shepard reached to clap her back twice, nodding in approval when she held onto her weapon more firmly. “We’re going to. Keep your head, Williams.”

She took a deep breath, straightening up. “I’m good. I’m good.”

Their push through the vessel was met with more and more piles of corpses, parts littering the floors and old, blackened blood squelching beneath their boots. The closer they got to the core of the ship, the more the density of the membrane-like material covering the floors and walls thinned out and made way for technology Kaidan recognized, but also didn’t. Almost as if it were a patchwork of many different kinds that didn’t normally go together.

The hall began to split off into rooms, most of which contained nothing of pertinence. One, however, was filled with occupied pods, which sent Ashley dashing into the room without warning.

“Williams,” Shepard called roughly. “You’re gonna get yourself shot!”

“No hostiles,” Kaidan assured him, though he shook his own head at her behavior. “Ash, do you see anything?”

Ashley frowned, leaning over one of the pods where it lay flat on the ground and peering in through the glass. “I…it’s a Collector.”

“Were they experimenting on their own guys?” Jack wondered, coming to stand beside her and squinting into the pod herself.

Shepard was quiet for a moment, looking slowly around the room. “Kaidan,” he said eventually, “That terminal, beside the pods. Can you upload the data to EDI?”

“Yeah, give me a minute,” Kaidan nodded, approaching the terminal with a furrowed brow.

It was odd, but not unlike other alien tech he’d been trained on. Probably had something to do with the Collectors living up to their name, borrowing knowledge from other species for their own gain. No wonder they’d latched onto the Reapers. He broke his own musing and got to work.

Within a minute or so he’d uploaded the data and sent it back to the Normandy. “Alright, EDI. See if you can figure out what they were up to, here.”

“Data received. Analyzing.”

Kaidan’s jitters came back as they waited, and he bounced on the balls of his feet, chewing the inside of his lip as he watched Shepard slowly walking the perimeter of the room. His head was tilted back to take in the pods lining the walls. EDI’s voice startled a soft gasp from Kaidan as she came back online.

“The Collectors were running baseline comparisons between their species and humanity.”

“What did they find?” Shepard asked, still circling the room with measured steps.

“A quad-strand genetic structure, identical to traces collected from ancient ruins. Only one species is known to have this structure: the Protheans.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Kaidan said slowly. “The Protheans are extinct.”

“The species known as Collectors were once Protheans, but their genes show distinct signs of extensive genetic rewrite,” EDI explained. “The Reapers have re-purposed them to suit their own needs.”

“Repurposed?” Kaidan murmured, horror clenching his gut and draining the blood from his face. “They…completely changed them. Mutated them.”

“The Reapers didn’t wipe out the Protheans,” Ashley said hauntedly. “The Reapers turned them into monsters and enslaved them.”

Kaidan turned away from the the terminal and came to a stop beside the pod, staring down past the glass at the Collector lying dormant inside. A twisted remnant of a once all-powerful race. “Doesn’t matter,” he murmured eventually. “They’re working for the Reapers now. Past help. We have to stop them, before another species meets the same fate.”

Shepard’s gloved palm closed over his shoulder plate, jostling him affectionately for a brief moment before letting him go again. “You heard the man. Let’s move.”

They exited the room, passing by more with similarly occupied pods as they continued to the inner depths of the ship.

“I have scanned the pods located on this vessel,” EDI announced. “No life signs detected. It is likely that the inhabitants of the filled pods perished when the ship lost primary power.”

Ashley’s shoulders visibly drooped, her gun pointing toward the ground. “None?”

“Affirmative.”

Ashley was silent for several moments, staring hard at the ground. Jack reached out, resting a hand on the back of her neck just underneath her helmet, and something about the contact seemed to bring her back to herself. “Let’s just finish this and get the hell out of here,” she muttered, continuing on down the passage.

As they walked, Kaidan made note of the locations of promising Collector tech that could be salvaged. “We should send a team over once the ship is cleared, to collect some of this tech. Could be helpful.”

Shepard nodded in agreement, his eyes still sharp as he kept watch over them all. “Mm. Tali will appreciate that.”

“Guys,” came Joker’s voice over the comms. “You gotta hear this. I had a weird feeling, so I asked EDI to run an analysis on this ship.”

“I compared the EM profile against the data recorded by the Normandy SR-1 two years ago,” EDI piped up. “They are an exact match.”

Shepard came to an abrupt halt, and Kaidan followed suit, blinking at him in confusion. “What? What does that mean?”

“This is the ship that destroyed the SR-1,” Shepard breathed. “The same ship dogging me for two years? That’s hardly a coincidence.”

“Something doesn’t add up,” Joker agreed. “Watch your back.”

The hall opened up into an enormous chamber, several stories high and wide and every inch of the walls and floor lined with pods, some full and many still empty.

“Jesus,” Jack breathed, her eyes wide as she craned her head back. The hairs on Kaidan’s arms and neck stood up as she lit up faintly blue.

“There’s so many,” Ashley whispered, her voice weak. “They could pillage every colony in the Terminus Systems and they still wouldn’t fill them all.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, looking to Shepard. “That terminal said they were looking at human genes. They’re going to target Earth.”

Shepard’s shoulders squared, his head bowing slightly as he stared out at the hundreds of thousands of pods. Though Kaidan couldn’t see his face past his helmet, he could picture the clenching of his jaw.

“Not if we stop them,” John muttered darkly.

* * *

“Guys, I think I found the control panel EDI was talking about.”

Kaidan looked over his shoulder, jogging toward Ashley with Shepard on his heels. She stood over a panel, sat atop a large pedestal full of intricate circuitry. Kaidan squinted at it, pulling up his omnitool and fiddling for a moment before finding a connection strong enough to reach the Normandy.

“Alright, EDI, I’m setting up a bridge between you and the Collector ship. See if you can get anything useful from the data banks.”

“Data mine in progress.”

For a moment it was silent as EDI worked, Kaidan drumming his fingers on the panel surface. He grimaced as his comm began to crackle noisily, like he’d lost the signal, and he reached to fiddle with the dial. The other three reached to do the same, and he only had a moment to open his mouth before the control panel burst into a brief shower of sparks and smoke. He hissed and yanked his hand away, but his armor had saved him from more than superficial burns. “Shit!”

“Joker,” Shepard snapped down the comm. “What just happened?”

“Power surge,” Joker told him. “Everything went dark, but we’re back up now.”

“I managed to divert the majority of the overload to non-critical systems,” EDI told them. “This was not a malfunction, this was a trap.”

The ground beneath Kaidan’s feet lurched suddenly, and he widened his stance and spread his arms to avoid toppling over. Suddenly he realized they were rising into the air, part of the floor having separated from the rest like a bit of tiling. “Uhh, EDI. Little help?”

“I am having trouble maintaining connection. There is someone else in the system.”

At the far end of the chamber, Kaidan spotted two more platforms like theirs gliding toward them, a hoard of Collectors on each. He grimaced and ducked down behind the raised lip at the edge of their platform, pressing his back up against it while the others followed his lead. “EDI!”

“Connection re-established,” she told him. “I need to finish the download before I can override any systems.”

“Then do it fast,” Shepard told her sharply, glancing over the edge of their cover as the Collectors came to a halt just outside firing range. “We’ve got company.”

The Collectors opened fire, though they seemed content to keep their distance for the moment. Normally Kaidan would be thankful, but it was making their jobs a lot harder given that none of them was carrying a weapon with much reach. Kaidan returned fire to no avail, only managing to sink a couple of bullets but not enough to even the odds. “Shep, cover me. I’m gonna bring them closer.”

“On it.”

Kaidan took a breath before getting to his feet, already generating a field around himself. “Jack! Help me out!” he called over the gun fire, reaching out and plucking a few of the Collectors right off of the ground with much less strain than he was used to. Levitating tires with Miranda in the cargo hold was apparently doing it’s job.

Jack followed his lead, and together they dragged the Collectors into firing range, holding them in place while Shepard and Ashley picked them off. Just when Kaidan thought they might be wrapping things up, another platform came toward them, Collector forces aboard it’s surface.

“EDI, let’s speed shit up, here,” Shepard called tensely.

“I am simultaneously fighting Collector firewalls in over 8,000 nodes,” EDI replied, and Kaidan could almost swear he heard a bit of snip in her even-keeled tone. “I am tasked to capacity.”

“Fuck me sideways,” Shepard huffed, reloading his weapon. “Second wave, people, get ready!”

It was soon apparent to Kaidan that simply holding the Collectors up in the air for Shepard and Ash to take out wasn’t going to do it; they’d just end up shot by the ones they couldn’t carry. Instead, he went on the offensive, working with Jack to throw Collectors off the side of the platform and to the ground below. Jack let out a feral yell as she brought her fists together in front of her face, dragging them apart again with her biotics mirroring the action by tearing a Collector down the middle.

Just as Kaidan was starting to feel the burn of each kick, the last of the Collectors fell, and they all slumped in relief.

“Is that it?” Ashley asked warily, panting through the words.

“No hostiles detected,” Shepard confirmed. “EDI, how we lookin’?”

“Download complete,” she told him. “I have regained control of the platform. I can navigate you to the other side of this chamber.”

“Great.” The platform began to move once again, sending them all stumbling a step as it rose into the air and traveled past the rows and rows of pods. “Did you get what we needed?” Shepard continued, one hand holding onto the lip of the platform for balance.

“Yes. I found data that would help us to successfully navigate through the Omega 4 Relay,” EDI confirmed. “I also located the Turian distress signal that served as the lure for this trap. The Collectors were the source. It is unusual.”

“Makes sense to me,” Jack shrugged. “They faked us out.”

“No,” EDI said. “It is unusual because Turian emergency channels have secondary encryption. It is corrupted in this transmission. It is not possible that the Illusive Man would believe that the distress call was genuine.”

“What the hell?” Ashley asked sharply.

Shepard held up a hand to still her. “How can you be sure?” he asked EDI.

“I found the anomaly with Cerberus detection protocols. He wrote them.”

“He knew it was a trap,” Kaidan said darkly, his fists slowly curling. “Why would he do that?”

“Sounds about right to me,” Jack scoffed bitterly. “Cerberus bullshit at it’s finest.”

Shepard growled, shaking his head irritably. “We don’t have time for this. We’ll question him when we’re out, but right now that’s the goal. To fucking get out.”

“Uh, Shepard,” came Joker’s voice. “We’ve got another problem, the Collector ship is powering up!”

“Fuck, seriously?!”

“You gotta get out of there before the weapons come back online, I am not losing another Normandy!”

“I do not have full control of their systems,” EDI informed them. “I will do what I can. Sending coordinates for shuttle extraction.”

The platform lowered them back to the ground on the opposite side of the chamber, and Kaidan followed the others as they leapt off and began to run. “Move, move!”

As they rounded the corner they immediately came under fire, and Kaidan skidded to a halt as Shepard clamped his hand over a spurt of blood from beneath his ribcage. “Fuck! John, you hit?”

“Don’t worry about it, eyes up, Alenko!” Shepard snarled through clenched teeth, still returning fire with one hand on his weapon while the other kept pressure on his wound.

Kaidan nodded, skidding into cover and taking out the Collectors they’d encountered as quickly as possible. Luckily they seemed to be few in number, perhaps a small team getting the ship running rather than a full force. Within a minute they were alone again, and sprinting toward the coordinates EDI had sent. Shepard kept up easily, despite blood now running over his fingers and down his hip.

“Guys, I hate to rush you, but those weapons are about to come online.” Joker sounded strained, more than Kaidan could ever remember hearing him. “Might wanna double time it, so y’know, we don’t die.”

Around the next corner they were met with an opening like the one they had entered from, the shuttle waiting just outside, and in between them a hoard of husks. All at once the creatures noticed them and began sprinting toward them at alarming speed, snarling and moaning.

“We’re out of time, just get through them and onto the shuttle!” Shepard shouted over the din, firing at whichever husks were in his way and ignoring the rest. Kaidan and the others followed suit, blasting their way through and sprinting from the husks that gave chase. Shepard skidded to a halt just before entering the shuttle, shoving each of them inside with a firm hand on their backs before leaping in himself. The door lowered and closed with a hiss, the husks pounding and dragging their nails on the hull. The shuttle lifted up and away, taking them back toward the Normandy at top speed. Out of the window Kaidan could see the lights on the Collector vessel slowly but surely illuminating as the ship came back to life, it’s canon beginning to glow faintly red.

The cargo bay had barely closed before Joker sent the Normandy into a full-speed escape, so fast that Kaidan and the rest had to brace themselves on the wall of the shuttle as everything shifted with the momentum. They could hear the deafening blast of the ship’s laser canon, but felt no impact, instead lurching once more as Joker dodged. They held on for dear life, Kaidan reaching to wrap an arm around Shepard when it was clear he was in too much pain to hold on tightly to the bracing handles. All at once, the movement ceased, and Joker’s voice sounded on the comms.

“Well, I probably have a few more gray hairs. But we’re in the clear. EDI got us relayed somewhere else, she saved our asses.”

“Thank fuck,” Ashley sighed, standing up and removing her helmet to reveal frizzy hair partially matted to her forehead. “That was…such bullshit.”

Shepard snorted, getting to his feet and promptly sinking to one knee with a grimace. “Nngh.”

“Alright, come on,” Kaidan said firmly, bending to lift him into his arms. He nearly had Shepard off his feet before he was met with a dissenting grunt and a weak shove. “Don’t be proud, John. You shouldn’t be walking any more than you already have.”

“I can walk,” Shepard snipped, glaring at him. “Don’t be a pain in the ass.”

“Oh, bite me.” Kaidan scooped him up with ease, ignoring the decidedly undignified whine of protest, and proceeded to carry Shepard toward the elevator. He was reminded of Feros, when he’d had to carry Shepard back to the Mako while he was sick and shivering, and yet the man had still insisted he walk in front of the colonists. “…you can walk to the medbay. But only because it’s just a few steps. Alright?”

Shepard nodded, apparently already half over whining and snuggling up to Kaidan’s chest plate instead. “Mhm.”

Kaidan did as he had promised, lowering John to his feet when the elevator reached the crew deck and allowing him to limp the short walk to the medbay while the rest of the crew could see him. Chakwas tsked at him and instantly pushed him onto an exam table as soon as they were through the door. “Armor off, Shepard. Let’s see what you’ve done this time.”

Kaidan smiled a bit and helped John to remove the bits of his armor that he couldn’t reach without painfully stretching his wound. “I don’t think it’s too bad, but he was running a lot while wounded. Lost a lot of blood.”

“Thank you, Commander,” Chakwas nodded. “What of the rest of your squad?”

“Nothing major, ma’am. I can fix us up, save you some trouble. You’ll have enough with this one, eh?”

“Hilarious,” John deadpanned, his torso now bare. He grimaced as Chakwas eased him onto his back, better to access his wound. It really wasn’t bad, thankfully, one plug and the bleeding was already slowing. Despite the relief, a bittersweet swoop clenching Kaidan’s gut. One day, their luck was going to run out.

Instead of voicing his thoughts, he lifted the corner of his mouth and reached to brush Shepard’s sweaty hair away from his forehead. “I’ll come back and get you when Chakwas is done with you, yeah?”

“Okay. Then, I think we need to have a little talk with the Illusive Man,” Shepard murmured, opening his eyes to meet Kaidan’s, the blue icy and angry.

Kaidan frowned deeply, his jaw tightening and his teeth grinding together. “Oh, yeah. Definitely need a little talk.”


	30. Chapter 30

“Kaidan. Come below deck when you’ve got a sec. …something you need to see.”

Kaidan frowned as he made his way below deck. Jack’s voice message had come as a surprise, as she didn’t usually reach out to anyone except Ashley. The tension in her voice had sent his gut curling, his anxiety already high in anticipation of he and Shepard’s talk with the Illusive Man. He had a lot to answer for. But what could they do about it, when they were so close to their goal? Leave?

He descended the stairs into what had long become Jack’s quarters, the lighting a bit dimmer and the surroundings still sparse. The only difference was that Jack had hijacked two mattresses from the bunks upstairs and shoved them together in her corner, and Ashley’s hair ties and Alliance branded water bottle sat off to the side. Jack was cross-legged on the mattress to the right, closest to the wall, a data pad in her hand and a frown on her brow as she glanced up at the sound of his footsteps.

“Hey,” she greeted, uncharacteristically quiet. “Come here.”

Kaidan approached, sitting on the left hand mattress when Jack gestured vaguely toward it. “What’s wrong? You seem weird.”

She snorted humorlessly, frowning down at her hands. “I found something. In Cerberus’ records. Buried deep, but…”

He shifted a little closer, then another inch when she didn’t flinch away. “Whatever it is, Jack, it’ll be okay. D’you want me to get Ash, or…?”

“No,” she interrupted, shaking her head. “It’s not about me, it’s…it’s about Shepard.”

Kaidan blinked, his neck jerking back a bit. “About Shepard?”

Jack nodded, slowly, lifting her eyes to meet his as she handed over the data pad. “Found a report about some thresher maw experiments. A whole Alliance squad taken out, with one survivor. Location says Akuze.”

Kaidan stared at her, taking the pad out of her hand almost in slow motion, before finally breaking her gaze to read. The further he got into the report, the more his stomach turned to ice. Cerberus had been using the thresher maws on Akuze for experimentation, and had set them on an Alliance marine squad to observe their hunting habits. A squad that had been obliterated down to but one man.

Commander John Shepard.

Kaidan released a shaky breath, locking eyes with Jack once more, his mouth half open, the words lost before they could come out. “I…what do I do with this?” he croaked eventually. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“He should know,” Jack said firmly, though her brows were pulled in tight. “He needs to know.”

“Does he?” Kaidan asked shakily. “How will this help him?”

“He can get revenge! Everyone deserves the truth, even if it’s shitty,” Jack snapped. “You can’t keep shit from people just because the truth will hurt them. Would you want him to keep shit from you?”

Kaidan groaned, dropping the pad to the mattress and sliding his fingers into his hair in distress. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’d want.”

Jack released a harsh breath through her nose, her back hitting the wall with a dull thud as she slumped. “Look. I can’t tell you what to do. But this is fucked up,” she said sharply, a long finger jabbing angrily toward the data pad between them. “And Cerberus can’t keep _getting away_ with it. They can’t.” She said it all through her teeth, snarling with her eyes alight with fury.

Kaidan watched the screen as it went black from disuse, twisting his fingers around themselves and chewing the inside of his lip. “I just don’t want to hurt him more,” he murmured. “He’s been through so much, I don’t…I don’t want to put him through more.”

“I get that,” she replied quietly. “I really do. But if it was me, I’d wanna know. So I could make them fucking pay.”

* * *

Kaidan was going to fucking vomit.

He sat on the edge of he and Shepard’s bed, his leg jiggling anxiously as he waited for John to return from chatting with Garrus. It was reaching a late hour, but Kaidan couldn’t even think about starting to wind down, not with his current task tensing his shoulders and sending his heart into overdrive. He nearly leapt out of his skin when the door to the cabin slid open and John stepped through, looking relaxed with an easy smile. It broke Kaidan’s heart even more that he was going to have to wipe it away.

“Hey,” John greeted, bending over to kiss him gently. “Want a drink? Watch a vid before bed?”

Kaidan nodded silently, watching as John crossed to the bar and poured them both drinks, opening and closing his mouth as he worked up his courage. “Hey, so…” he finally murmured, taking the half glass of whiskey Shepard offered, “I need to tell you something.”

Shepard frowned at him, sitting slowly on the couch. “Okay.”

Kaidan got up to follow him, perching a few seats down. He took a sip to steel himself. “It’s…it’s bad news.”

“What’s wrong?” Shepard asked, leaning toward him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, it’s not that,” Kaidan assured him, rubbing his forehead. “Um. Jack found something, while she was looking through Cerberus’ files. Something about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. And…and Akuze.”

Shepard’s expression darkened slightly, and his shoulders went tense. “What about it?” he asked lowly.

Kaidan forced himself to meet his eyes and to keep his expression calm. “She found a report, that said Cerberus was responsible for the thresher maw attack on your squad.”

The silence that followed roared in Kaidan’s ears, but he forced himself not to fill it with babbling.

“How can you be sure it was mine?” Shepard finally asked, his voice quiet.

“They said it was Alliance squad, on Akuze. The year was right, everything was right. And they said there was only one survivor.” Silence. “They were studying the thresher’s hunting habits. I guess they were planning on using them as weapons, I don’t know…” Kaidan trailed off, watching Shepard’s face closely as he remained quiet. “…are you alright?”

John stared into space, his jaw clenched tightly and his lips thin. All at once he stood, stalking toward the door, and Kaidan hurried to grab his arm and stop him.

“Hey, where are you-”

“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him!”

“Shepard, no,” Kaidan argued, holding tighter when Shepard tried to pull away. “You don’t wanna do that.”

“Like hell I don’t, Alenko! Let go,” Shepard snarled, his eyes flashing dangerously. “First the Collector trap, and now this?! Let _go_ , Kaidan!”

Kaidan dug his feet in, dragging Shepard back toward him. “No! Let’s just calm down for-”

“ _Don’t tell me to fucking calm down_!”

“Hey!” Kaidan shouted back, drawing himself up. “That’s enough, alright? Just breathe for a second, John!”

John growled, ending on a strangled shout of frustration, and ripped his arm out of Kaidan’s hand. He didn’t try to leave again, though, instead pacing up and down the length of the room like a caged animal.

Kaidan softened with the immediate danger of John running off to strangle the Illusive Man lessened. “John. I understand that you’re angry, and you’re not wrong for that. But I can’t let you just run off and murder him.”

“ _Let me_ ,” Shepard scoffed. “You don’t get to _let me_ do anything. If I wanna get on a shuttle and go fucking tear his limbs off, I’ll fucking do it.”

“Alright, enough,” Kaidan said again, frowning at him. “I just know you’d regret it, John. I’m not trying to be controlling, I’m just…stopping you from doing something stupid.”

“He deserves to die.”

“Yeah, maybe. But not right now,” Kaidan said softly. “We still have a job to do, and like it or not, we need him to do it. After it’s done, we can bring him to justice.”

Kaidan could hear Shepard’s teeth grinding. “Your idea of justice is letting the Alliance have him.”

“Isn’t that yours?” Kaidan retorted, crossing his arms. “Maybe you really have been spending too much time with Garrus.”

Shepard snorted, though his shoulders relaxed a little. “Thought you liked Garrus.”

“I do. But his idea of justice is a little different from mine,” Kaidan amended. “Used to be different from yours, too.”

For a minute or two John stared at the floor while Kaidan watched him, his jaw working from side to side and his fists clenching and releasing. “…I know you’re right. I just fucking hate it.”

Kaidan smiled weakly. “I think I’ve heard that before.”

Sinking onto the couch again, John put his head in his hands. “That fucker,” he mumbled. “That fuckin’ bastard.”

“I know.” Kaidan sat slowly beside him, hesitating. “Can I…hug you, or-”

Shepard turned toward him, wrapping an arm around Kaidan’s waist and shoving his face into his neck. Kaidan blinked, then sighed quietly and pulling Shepard into a tight hug. They stayed like that for a while, Kaidan rocking Shepard back and forth very slowly. Shepard didn’t sob, but Kaidan could feel a few tears, Shepard’s fists clenching his shirt. He rubbed slow circles into his back to soothe him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered against Shepard’s temple. “We’re gonna make him pay, alright? I promise.”

Shepard nodded, pulling back and rubbing his eyes with one rough swipe of his knuckles. “Mm.” He paused, taking a shaking, cleansing breath. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to look him in the eye.”

“You’re strong,” Kaidan assured him, reaching to wipe a stray tear from the corner of his eye. “You can do it. I’ll be right there with you.”

That seemed to strengthen John’s resolve, and he nodded more firmly, taking Kaidan’s hand into his and squeezing.

“Thank you.”

* * *

Kaidan had wanted to give Shepard a bit of time to process, but Shepard had insisted that they had already spent too much time fucking around as it was. Despite his grief, they needed to continue on.

And so, the next day found Kaidan and Shepard delegating squads to complete the final errands they needed to run before the Normandy was as ready as she would ever be for passage through the Omega 4 relay. Tali had mentioned needing a few more materials to complete her upgrades to the ship, and they had sent Ashley, Jack, and Samara off in a shuttle to get them at the nearest port. They’d also noted that much of their weaponry needed updating or was just plain unusable, so Grunt, Mordin, and Thane had been tasked with visiting a weapons dealer whose whereabouts Mordin just “happened” to know. Kaidan would have sent Garrus, given that he was one of their more knowledgeable weapons experts, but he and Miranda had taken off on their own without much explanation. All Garrus had told Shepard was that Miranda needed his help, and that they needed to go alone.

The Illusive Man had instructed Shepard to keep a ready squad on hand, as information on another mission was forthcoming. Jacob and Tali remained on the ship, working together below deck while Shepard and Kaidan worked out duties in their cabin.

“How many more of these bullshit errands is this asshole gonna send us on before we actually get to leave for the fucking Collector base?” Shepard snapped, rubbing irritable circles into his temples.

“Hopefully not many,” Kaidan sighed, leaning back in his chair and pushing the lists of names away from himself. “Feels weird, though. To be feeling so rushed to get to what’s probably a suicide mission.” He said the last bit quietly, avoiding Shepard’s eyes though he could feel them.

“Yeah,” Shepard murmured. “You’re probably right.” A pause. “Kaidan, I-”

“ _Gentlemen_.”

Kaidan sighed heavily through his nose. “What?”

“ _Meet me in the comm room. I have a lead for us_ ,” instructed the Illusive Man’s voice, a bit muffled over his omnitool.

“Fine.” He disconnected the call abruptly, getting to his feet. “Did you wanna say something, John?”

Shepard shook his head, looking at the floor like it was interesting as he rose from his seat as well. “Nah. Later.”

The ship was oddly quiet as they made their way to the comm chamber, the only people around being the essential crew on their way to their stations or the crew quarters. It took barely a second for the Illusive Man to answer their call once they arrived. Kaidan had to wonder if he ever left whatever room he was in.Wondering too hard about someone like the Illusive Man was liable to give him a headache, though, so he didn’t dwell long.

“My sources have located a downed Reaper in the Thorne cluster,” the man said, wasting no time with even a breath to acknowledge them. “I already have people on site.”

“Hi,” Shepard said sarcastically, arms crossed over his chest. “How was your day?”

The Illusive Man gave him a hard look. “Save your sarcasm for another time, Shepard, this is quite serious. You two and your squad are to infiltrate this derelict Reaper and acquire it’s IFF; that will be the missing piece that will ensure a successful trip through the Omega 4 Relay. This is our last step.”

Shepard’s expression had hardened at the scolding, his fists clenching and his eyes lighting up with fury. Kaidan reached out to touch his arm, trying to soothe him as subtly as possible.

“Not worth it,” he murmured. Shepard grunted and said nothing, though his posture did not relax.

“Leave immediately,” the Illusive Man continued. “I will send over the coordinates.”

“Fine,” Kaidan nodded, steering Shepard out before he could try to strangle a hologram. “We’ll leave within the hour.”

“Good.”

Kaidan took Shepard back to their cabin, grimacing when he heard his breath picking up. “I know, I know. Come on,” he murmured, stepping through the cabin door and locking it behind them. Shepard threw his fist into the wall as soon as they were through, leaving no damage anywhere but his own knuckles. “Hey,” Kaidan sighed, taking his hand. “Don’t do that, now look. You’re bleeding.”

“Doesn’t hurt,” Shepard muttered, not looking at him. “Fucker.”

“I know.” Kaidan reached for his first aid kit before leading Shepard to the couch, still holding onto his hand. “Come here. Let me wrap that up, it’s just gonna rub on your gloves and irritate you.”

Shepard snorted. “True.”

Shepard sat down and Kaidan knelt before him, holding his hand delicately as he disinfected the cuts on his already-bruising knuckles. “Grunt’s starting to rub off on you.”

“Ha ha.”

Kaidan smirked up at him briefly before getting back to work. “Then again, you’ve always been hot-tempered.” He carefully wrapped a bandage around Shepard’s hand, leaving his thumb free and tying it off snugly. “There.”

“Thanks.”

“Mhm.” Kaidan kissed the bandaged knuckles before getting to his feet. “One day you’re gonna break yourself, hitting inanimate shit.”

“Well, you told me I wasn’t allowed to kill him,” Shepard drawled. “So I tried to kill the wall instead. Next best thing.”

Kaidan shook his head, smiling as he stood between Shepard’s legs, the man’s head tilted back to look up at him. He ran his fingers through John’s hair as worn hands rested gently on his waist. “You’re terrible,” he murmured affectionately.

John snorted, tilting his head back a bit further in search of a kiss that Kaidan gave gladly. “Yep. The worst.”

“Let’s go get this over with,” Kaidan sighed, stepping away regretfully. “I’m so tired of running around.”

“Preaching to the fucking choir, K.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update day for the rest of the summer is gonna be Wednesday :D This may change again in September, but I will let y'all know <3

The approach on the derelict Reaper found Kaidan and Shepard in the cockpit, hovering behind the pilot’s chair as Joker brought them close enough to deploy a shuttle. They could see the Reaper in the distance, floating suspended in space with it’s glowing red lights deathly black and it’s insect-like limbs hanging loose. The red dwarf Mnemosyne loomed in the background, and the closer they drew, the tighter Joker’s jaw clenched as the Normandy rattled and shook through heavy gusts sweeping off of the dwarf’s surface.

“Brace, this shit is too choppy for a shuttle to get through,” he instructed sharply, and Kaidan clutched the back of the pilot’s chair while Shepard did the same with a divot in the ceiling. Joker abandoned the previous plan of dropping them a safe distance away, instead steering the still shuddering Normandy directly toward the Reaper.

“There’s another ship beside it. Geth,” Joker continued, speaking loudly over the din of the wind whistling past their windows and the heavy turbulence alarm bouncing off the walls. “Guess we know why the science team stopped responding.”

All at once, the turbulence ceased, and the Normandy began to once more fly smoothly. “What happened?” Shepard asked, frowning at Joker’s screen.

“The Reaper’s mass effect fields are still active. We just passed into the envelope,” Joker told him, slowing them down as the drew close to the Reaper itself. It loomed tall and long, making Kaidan’s knees feel a bit weak from such a close distance, casting a dark shadow over them. They passed between it’s limbs, and Kaidan felt another shiver run down his spine his shoulders and toes and fists all clenching in a moment of primal fear of being trapped.

“Drop in 30. Watch your asses in there.”

Shepard clapped the back of Joker’s chair, so as not to accidentally shatter his shoulder, and Kaidan took a moment to shake himself before he followed John out of the cockpit and down to the cargo bay. They were getting close, so fucking close, to completing this mission, and yet it felt so far from over. Or maybe part of him wanted it to be far from over, wanted to delay as long as possible because at the end of the day, yes they would stop an invasion (with luck), but they would most likely die in the process. No one ever returned from a trip beyond the Omega 4 relay, after all.

He shoved those thoughts aside as he and Shepard approached the shuttle, Jacob and Tali already geared up and waiting for them inside. The shuttle lifted off, coming down to rest on a small docking bay nestled underneath the Reaper’s darkened eye. Kaidan’s head spun as he tried to wrap it around the fact that this was a body, a now-dead but still sentient being, and yet it looked like a ship. Not like any ship he’d ever seen in his life, but a ship with a docking bay and doors and - who knew what else inside. Kaidan was no coward, but for a brief second, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to find out.

The four of them exited the shuttle, and Kaidan craned his head back to stare at the enormous, looming appendages that surrounded them on all sides. He got the distinct feeling of, quite literally, entering the belly of the beast. He felt a hand patting his shoulder pad and looked over to find Shepard giving him a serious look. He tried to square his shoulders, look a little bit less like he was shitting himself, but Shepard just gently knocked their helmets together.

“We’ve got this.”

Kaidan nodded once, taking a deep, heavy breath. “Yeah. Totally.”

“ _I’m gonna take the Normandy to a safe distance,_ ” Joker announced over comms, and Kaidan looked over his shoulder as he watched the Normandy retreating and leaving the shuttle behind. “ _I’ll still be within range_.”

“Got it.”

At the far end of the docking bay sat a door, and upon their approach it opened as if sensing them. As they stepped inside of the Reaper and the door slid closed behind them, Kaidan was struck by the overwhelming silence that seemed to envelope them. A nondescript hall was their first sight, and Shepard took point as they continued on and found themselves in another. Kaidan wondered if the whole thing was full of hallways that looked the same with blind corners and deafening silence. He took a deep breath through his nose. He really needed to get his shit together.

“Exploring abandoned places, always expecting something to jump out at any moment…” Tali hummed, her pistol drawn as they advanced. “Just like the good old days.”

Shepard snorted, his eyes sharp as he kept vigilant. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember poking around inside a Reaper corpse.”

“Well, that’s different, of course. We’ve gotten stupider.”

Once Kaidan’s nerves had settled, he realized that the hangar they’d found themselves in was actually of human design, probably constructed by the Cerberus scientists that had been investigating in order to make coming and going from the Reaper easier.

“John, I wonder if there’s logs on any of these computers,” Kaidan murmured, feeling as if he had to be quiet in the eerie silence. He nodded to what looked to be a small lab the scientists had thrown together, lined on either side with monitors. “From the scientists. I could check.”

Shepard nodded once, turning his back to him and facing the hall. “Go ahead, we’ll cover you. Tali, check the others.”

As Kaidan and Tali worked, the only sound was that of their fingers on the keys and the occasional groaning of machinery in the distance. “This is spooky as hell,” Jacob muttered.

Shepard snorted in agreement, shifting his weight to his other foot as he kept a watchful eye on the hall’s points of entry. “You’ve got that right. Not sure what I expected from looking around inside a dead Reaper, though.”

“I dunno, but hopefully this is quick,” Jacob sighed. “The longer we stay here, the more I get the feeling something’s…wrong.”

“Wrong?” Shepard asked. Kaidan lifted an eyebrow, glancing at them briefly before getting back to scrolling through data.

“I don’t know. Just a weird feeling,” Jacob frowned, his hands gripping his weapon a little tighter. “Like on the back of my neck. Almost like we’re being watched.”

It was silent for a moment. “You must be fun at parties, Jacob,” Tali drawled.

Jacob made a mildly amused noise in the back of his throat, though he didn’t take his eyes off of the entrance he’d assigned himself to watch. “Yeah, yeah. Just a feeling.”

“Well, I don’t plan to be here a second longer than necessary,” Shepard snorted.

Tali held up a hand to interrupt them, her eyes on her screen as she brought up a video log. “I’ve found something.”

The video was of a man in Cerberus blues, his eyes a bit shifty and his jaw a little tense, but otherwise perfectly fine. He stood close to the camera and spoke softly, as if trying not to be overheard.

“ _The airlock has been installed, and we’ve begun pressurization. The crew seems…edgy. I reassured them it’s mere nerves, a superstition to what this thing represents. The corpse of a vast, ancient life form. Privately, I can’t deny the atmosphere._ ”

The man drew even closer, his face taking up the entirety of the screen and his eyes growing a bit wider.

“ _The angles of the walls seem to press down on you. I find myself clenching my teeth._ ”

The recording cut out abruptly, and Kaidan blinked as he realized he’d begun to clench his own teeth, and his shoulders had gone almost painfully tense.

“Well, that didn’t sound good,” Jacob said, eyebrows raised. “Cabin fever?”

“Sounded like something else,” Shepard murmured, frowning at the screen for a long moment. Then he looked away, shaking his head. “Come on. If there’s nothing on the rest of these, let’s continue.”

The pushed further into the Reaper, encountering no further terminals for the moment. The hangar came to an end at another door, which they approached cautiously, the silence they’d been met with so far putting them ill at ease. Suddenly the Reaper lurched, and Kaidan stumbled into the wall before he could steady himself with a hand.

“ _Normandy to shore party_!”

Shepard pressed a finger to his comm. “What just happened, Joker?”

“ _Our scans say the Reaper put up kinetic barriers,_ ” Joker told them, his voice tense. “ _I don’t think you’ll be able to get back through from that side_.”

“If we could avoid being trapped inside a Reaper, that would be great,” Tali said, looking around as if she was expecting the walls to begin closing in.

Shepard let out a harsh breath through his nose. “We’ll have to find the barrier generators and take them down. Joker, put some more distance between us and you. I don’t wanna risk this thing having some kind of security trip that blasts apart anything nearby.”

Joker sighed, quiet for a moment. “ _Alright, will do. What about extraction?_ ”

“We’ll manage with the shuttle. If we need repairs, we need repairs. Fuck it.”

“ _Aye aye. I’ll keep in contact as well as I can._ ”

“EDI, can you help us locate the generators?” Kaidan asked. “Heat signatures or something?”

“ _At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in the Reaper’s mass effect core_ ,” EDI replied. “ _Sending coordinates now_.”

“Thanks.”

“ _Be advised_ ,” she interrupted, her tone still even and pleasant. “ _These generators are also maintaining the Reaper’s altitude_.”

Shepard sighed sharply again, rubbing the back of his neck in an agitated manner. “So when we take out the barriers, we also go plummeting to the dwarf’s core.”

“ _And that means everyone dies, yeah, got it_ ,” Joker snipped, his voice sounding even more strained than before.

“Hey,” Kaidan replied, “Don’t stress, Moreau. We’ve got this.”

“ _Yeah, great_ ,” Joker snorted, though he sounded a bit softer. “ _Like I said. Watch your asses._ ”

The call disconnected, and they carried on. The door ahead opened upon their approach, and Kaidan’s gut twisted as it became clear why the place was so hauntingly quiet. Bodies littered the ground, dried up and covered in blackened blood, just as those they’d seen on the Collector ship. The chamber they’d emerged into was vast, and dark, and the technology was distinctly Reaper; this was the corpse proper. They were truly inside the thing, now.

“Did the geth do this?” Tali whispered in horror. “They are not normally so…gruesome with their killing.”

Shepard was quiet for some time, walking carefully between the bodies. “Let’s see if we can find more logs,” he suggested softly. “Maybe there’s clues.”

As they continued on through the Reaper, traveling along scaffolding that the scientists had erected for their research, they continued to step over corpses and pass by terminals. Most of them simply held research data, charts and reports and numbers that Kaidan couldn’t parse off the bat. Soon, they came across another log, and Kaidan allowed it to play, the voices loud and echoing around them.

The video showed two men in Cerberus uniforms, the angle of the camera slightly upward as if from surveillance footage. They spoke to each other, their postures rigid even as their voices seemed relaxed.

“ _You’re married? You never mentioned that._ ”

“ _Yeah, Katie had anger management issues. When my brother got married, the best man tried to hit on her. She kicked him down the church steps!_ ”

“ _Wha-wait, Katie’s_ my _wife. I must have told you that story._ ”

“ _N-no, I know my wife. I remember, that day was the only time I ever saw her wear stockings._ ”

“ _…yeah. The kind with seams up the back. That’s what I remember, too_.”

“ _What the hell is this? How can we remember the same thing_?”

The footage cut off abruptly, and the four of them were silent for several moments.

“What was that?” Kaidan asked quietly, his gut icy and the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

Jacob shook his head. “Sounds like the Reaper was affecting their minds. Messing with their memories.”

“Jesus.”

Shepard straightened and turned in the direction they’d been heading, gesturing with his rifle. “Let’s push. This way.”

The further they traveled along the scaffolding, the less bodies they came across, until there were none at all. The science team hadn’t gotten far into the Reaper before being killed, then. Rounding a corner, Kaidan wasn’t sure why he was surprised to find husks waiting for them, but the initial groan still nearly made him jump out of his skin. There were only a couple, and the battle was brief, but Kaidan still found his heart rate difficult to slow once they were alone again.

“I knew the husks couldn’t have come from the geth,” Tali said, reloading her weapon. “This confirms that they originate from the Reapers.”

“Great. Doesn’t make me feel better,” Shepard snorted, leading them further into the Reaper, and further into the darkness.

* * *

Another terminal, another clip of surveillance footage, this time of different men. These were more tense, had heavier bags under their eyes, with twitchy eyes and fingers.

“ _Third day with this headache. You’d think I could get a few hours off_.”

“ _Not likely, on this assignment_.”

“ _Yeah, no ki-_ fuck!”

“ _What?!_ ”

“ _That thing, that gray thing! It came out of the damn wall, where we took off that panel!_ ”

“ _I-I didn’t see anything. Maybe you should lie down._ ”

“ _It disappeared when I looked at it, I- I’m telling you, man, this thing isn’t dead! It_ knows _we’re inside it!_ ”

“ _Calm down. Now I’m getting a headache_.”

The clip ended.

“Okay. Hated that,” Kaidan said, his voice an octave or so higher than usual.

Shepard’s hand clapping his back didn’t do much to console him. “Let’s just keep moving, and get this done as quickly as possible. Kaidan, start saving these logs.”

“Already done,” Kaidan nodded, trying to hide his shiver. “Let’s hurry the hell up.”

* * *

“ _They said the ship was dead, and we trusted them. They were right, but even a dead god can dream. A god, a real god, isn’t some old man with magic powers, it’s…a_ force _. It warps reality just by existing. It doesn’t have to want to, it doesn’t have to think about it. It just_ does _. That’s what they didn’t get, until it was too late. The god’s mind is gone, but it still dreams. He knows now. He’s tuned in on our dream. If I close my eyes, I-I can feel him. I can feel every one of us_.”

The frantic, whispered tone of the man’s voice echoed in Kaidan’s ear well after the recording had ended.

* * *

They stepped into the next room, and Kaidan barely had time to survey their surroundings before a telltale growl sounded in his ear. He whipped around, his biotics flaring in response to his alarm and sending the husk sprawling to the floor. Several more joined it to attack them, and then more after that, and they struggled to regain their footing after being surprised. One of the husks leapt onto Kaidan, latching on like a leech, knocking his rifle from his hands and wrapping a sickly hand around his neck. He gasped and coughed, kicking his feet as it hoisted him into the air. He heard Shepard shouting for him, and he started trying to concentrate enough to free himself with a biotic kick. Before he could manage it, though, the husk’s forehead had a hole in it, and then another, and Kaidan was dropped to the ground.

He looked up to quickly thank whoever had saved his ass, though he was finding it difficult to speak around the pain in his throat, but he hadn’t even gotten back to his feet when several more shots were fired, and the rest of the husks were taken out. Not by anyone in their squad, but by a sniper, some distance away. He scrambled up, retrieving his weapon and searching for whoever had come to their aid. All he found was a lone geth, holding a sniper rifle and staring at them from the other end of the room.

“Shepard-Commander,” it said.

Kaidan had never heard a geth speak English in his life. Hearing it say John’s name didn’t help how unnerved he felt, and he stepped closer to him protectively. “What the hell is that? Why does it know your-”

He hadn’t finished the sentence before the geth disappeared as quickly as it had come, retreating farther into the Reaper and out of sight.

“Uh. Since when do geth talk to organics?” Jacob asked, his eyes round.

“It shouldn’t be able to talk at all,” Tali replied, sounding perplexed and a little tense. “A single geth has no more intelligence than a varren.”

“Well, it did.”

“Let’s just…keep going,” John murmured, looking around like he was expecting the geth to reappear somewhere. Satisfied that they were alone, he turned to Kaidan, reaching to rest a hand on the side of his helmet. “Are you alright? That thing choked you out good.”

Kaidan snorted, wincing a bit at the soreness in his throat. “I’ll live. Let’s move,” he said, his voice a little raspier than usual.

Shepard sighed but nodded, dropping his hand and turning forward again. “Come on.”

They continued on, fighting their way through hordes of husks that got thicker the deeper they went. Soon they reached the Reaper’s core, where the IFF could be extracted and the barriers could be shut down. Kaidan couldn’t say they’d reached it a moment too soon, wiping blood and gore away from his visor so he could see properly while Tali worked to open the door; it was the only one they’d encountered that was locked.

When they stepped inside, they were greeted by a circular chamber, dark save for a swirling, blue orb of energy in the center, suspending between metal fixtures that appeared to be keeping it in place. They further they walked into the room, Kaidan began to feel a bit of a tingle at his implant site and a high pitched ring in his ear. He shook his head to try and clear it, to no avail. Standing before the Reaper core was the geth that had spoken to them earlier, it’s hands working the control panel and it’s attention rapt. Behind it, husks dragged themselves across the scaffolding, and the geth seemed to sense their presence, turning away from it’s work and taking them all down with a pistol. More appeared, though, seeming to be dragging themselves up from the lower levels of the ship and up onto the platform the geth and core were on.

“Should we help?” Jacob asked uneasily.

“Yes,” Shepard replied firmly. “Those things are between us and that control panel. We can deal with the geth if we need to.”

The group of them followed his lead, engaging the husks in combat. It was a rough fight, with little to no cover in the wide open, circular room. The geth assisted them for a while, but eventually it was overpowered and collapsed to the ground. The husks seemed to be endless, their numbers thickest here, where the Reaper was vulnerable. Even in death, the thing was hellbent on protecting itself.

Kaidan had been learning a lot while working with Miranda, but the constant noise of the husks groaning and the core humming all echoed off of the metallic walls and rattled inside of his skull. Despite this, he was able to use the more intricate powers Miranda had taught him, tearing husks apart, freezing them, sending a group of them careening into the opposite wall. He felt his implant straining, blood pounding in his ears and the back of his head, but he couldn’t let up.

Finally, the last monster went down, and the four of them rushed toward the control panel. The geth still lay in a heap on the floor, it’s body dormant, and Kaidan stepped over it as he activated the console and began the process of extracting the IFF.

“What should we do with it?” Jacob asked, glancing from the geth to the rest of them.

“Leave it there!” Tali cried. “You know what it is! If it gets into the Normandy’s computers-”

They were interrupted by a sound that made Kaidan’s heart drop into his stomach - telltale groans, and the heavy drag of flesh against metal as more husks dragged themselves up from the lower levels. “Fuck, fuck, we need to go,” he muttered, watching the IFF slowly but surely download onto his omnitool.

Shepard turned a sharp eye on Tali. “You said it yourself. No one has ever found one of these things in tact.”

“That’s true, but-”

“We’re taking it,” Shepard decided, turning around and scooping the geth up and throwing it over his shoulder.

“Shepard, it’s not worth the risk!”

“There’s no time to debate it,” Shepard snapped, turning toward the exit. “Take out the core, that’ll deactivate the barriers.”

The four of them turned their weapons onto the orb of energy, the husks approaching fast just behind them. Soon, the humming began to increase in volume, almost as if to warn them to get the hell out of there. Almost on cue, the IFF download completed.

“Alright, move! Back to the shuttle!” Shepard cried, sprinting toward the exit with the geth still inert on his shoulder.

Kaidan followed right on his heels, ignoring the husks in favor of escape, even as their nails scratched at his armor. He was reminded of their escape on the Collector ship, and wondered if this was how this fight with the Reapers was going to be. Organics sprinting away, boots heavy on metal, ignoring small threats in favor of outrunning the big one. Tunnel vision, eyes trained on the next corner, the hallway, the next path toward survival. And damn any corpses they trod on as they fled.


	32. Chapter 32

The Normandy was nowhere in sight, and the comms were dead.

Kaidan watched Shepard calling Joker, over and over, his teeth grinding audibly and his fingers scratching at his mutilated cuticles. They’d escaped the Reaper corpse and fled in their shuttle, the thing nearly coming apart as they passed through the rough air between the mass effect field and open space. They made it, though, and the field had contained the explosion inside of it’s envelope. Now they were stagnant, nowhere to go without coordinates from Joker.

And Joker wasn’t answering.

“Son of a fucking bitch,” Shepard snarled, ripping off his helmet and letting it clatter to the floor. It rolled and collided with the body of the Geth they’d encountered, lying dormant near their feet.

“Something must’ve happened,” Jacob said tensely, his thick brows pulled tightly together. “This isn’t like him.”

Shepard grunted in agreement, his jaw working as he thought through the frustration. “No one with a personal comm channel is aboard,” he added darkly. “Everyone’s on fucking errands. How the fuck-”

“Normandy to shore party! Come in, I repeat, Normandy to shore party!”

“Joker,” Shepard replied, his eyes wide. “Joker, we read you. What the hell happened?”

“Shit’s gone south commander,” Joker told him, and his voice was a little shaky. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he’d ever heard Joker’s voice tremble before. “Fuck.”

Shepard frowned deeply, getting halfway up like he wanted to pace, but then realizing he was in a shuttle with a low ceiling and sitting back down. “Are you under attack?”

“Not anymore. S-send coordinates, I’ll come pick you up.”

“Not any-?!”

“Can’t explain right now, Shepard,” Joker snapped. “Send coordinates.”

Shepard let out a rough breath through his nose. “Fine. Sending now.”

He disconnected the call, staring at his own knees for a moment before looking up to meet Kaidan’s eyes. Kaidan swallowed, his heart pounding against his ribcage.

“That didn’t sound good,” he murmured, knowing he was stating the obvious but unable to conjure up anything better.

“No,” Shepard snorted. “It sure fucking didn’t.”

* * *

“Holy _shit_.”

Joker snorted weakly, his chair swiveled to face the four of them. “Yeah, you’re telling me.”

The ship was deathly quiet, and after a jumbled and fast-paced debrief from Joker, Kaidan realized it was because the entire crew had been kidnapped by the Collectors. While they were gone, a ship had descended upon the Normandy, snatching up their personnel and leaving none behind but Joker and EDI. Joker had managed to escape by crawling through the shafts to avoid detection. He looked a little pale, Kaidan noticed, and winced when he moved.

“Jeff, are you good?” Kaidan asked tensely. “I know you hate when people ask that, but-”

“I’m fine,” Joker told him firmly. “Just need some painkillers. And to not move for about a week. Or a month. I’m not picky.”

Kaidan snorted, shaking his head but letting it go. “So you said you had to…unshackle EDI? What does that even mean?”

“It means that I am now in full control of the Normandy’s systems,” EDI informed him, her hologram winking into existence to his left and bathing the cockpit in soft, blue light. “Jeff’s assistance allowed me to jump the Normandy to safety, and to operate all of the systems that have previously been run by human crew members.”

“Sooo, you have full access now?” Kaidan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. When the crew is retrieved, I will, of course, return system control where appropriate,” EDI replied.

“Right.”

“We’re out of time,” Shepard declared, his eyes on fire with rage. “The Collectors have our people. We need to go to the Collector base immediately. No more time to prepare.”

Joker let out a breath, rubbing the back of his neck. “The IFF is downloading now. Shouldn’t take more than a few hours, with EDI unshackled. We’ll head there as soon as the rest of the squad gets back.”

Shepard nodded, straightening and turning to leave the cockpit. “Keep me updated.”

Kaidan watched Shepard go over his shoulder, feeling a lurch in his stomach so intense he thought he might actually be sick.

This was it. This was fucking it.

 

* * *

Kaidan paced the observation lounge, which was empty for once, avoiding going to his cabin until the last possible second. Joker had started them on their way toward the Collector base, and the ship was quiet. More quiet than Kaidan could remember it ever being; there was usually someone speaking loudly, or laughing, or cooking noisily in the crew lounge. No one was out, though, the remaining squad members retreated to their own corners to attempt rest before their suicide mission. Fuck, it was a suicide mission. They could die. They were probably going to die.

Kaidan turned on his heel, marching toward the elevator.

He found Shepard already in the cabin, sitting on the bed in sweatpants and shirtless, staring at the ground, as if he’d been halfway through getting dressed and just zoned out. He looked up when he heard Kaidan, but he didn’t smile like he usually did when he saw him. His expression was tense, not obviously to anyone that didn’t know him, but Kaidan could see it. The lines between his brows, the downward turn of his mouth, the slight widening of his eyes. Shepard was terrified, and angry, and Kaidan had to admit he felt the same.

He didn’t speak as he approached him, shuffling slowly to stand between Shepard’s legs. He reached out carefully to brush John’s hair out of his eyes, to gently trace the shell of his ear with his fingertips. John tilted his head back and closed his eyes, and Kaidan kissed him, softly at first. Death loomed over them like a storm cloud and he pressed harder. He crawled onto the bed, straddling Shepard’s waist and wrapping his arms tightly around his neck, John’s fingers in his curls and their tongues tangling with desperation.

John lowered onto his back, taking Kaidan with him and holding tightly to his hips. Kaidan wasted a few minutes worrying about how loudly he was breathing (he’d always been self-conscious about it) and trying to keep it quiet. But then John’s mouth latched onto his throat and Kaidan gasped and suddenly nothing mattered. Nothing except the fact that this could be the end, but they weren’t dead yet. They were alive, he could feel it in the pulse underneath his tongue as he licked at John’s skin, in the wild heartbeat he could feel drumming in time with his own, in the hardness pressing against his thigh. All of their being, a desperate rush of blood. They were fucking alive, and Kaidan didn’t want to waste the time they had left.

He sat up straight, his thighs still clamped on John’s waist as he pulled his shirt over his head. Rough, scarred hands smoothed over his stomach and chest, thumbs brushed his nipples and he hummed in approval. John wrestled himself into a sitting position so he could strip as well, and Kaidan had thought about what this would feel like, had thought that maybe they would only ever have intimacy in short bursts. Half dressed, half cocked, stealing moments when they could find them. But now they had time, they had hours with nothing to do but gradually approach death, and here they were. Still rushing.

Kaidan reached to take John’s hands, which he could feel were shaking in his grasp, pausing him as he tried to fumble with Kaidan’s belt. “Slow,” he whispered, kissing John’s full lips. “Slow.”

John searched his eyes, his breath coming a little ragged. Then he swallowed, taking a deep inhale through his nose, and nodded.

“Okay,” he murmured in reply.

His fingers went back to Kaidan’s belt, pulling it open more calmly as he returned the kiss. Kaidan sat up on his knees again, letting John push down his pants and underwear both. He smiled as John got distracted for a moment, kneading his ass cheeks with his palms and kissing his hip reverently. Kaidan pet his hair, letting him do what he wanted instead of urging him to continue. Time, they had time.

Eventually, John got back on track, letting Kaidan sit back so he could pull the garments the rest of the way off and then toss them carelessly to the floor. Before he could descend on him, Kaidan reached to tuck his fingers into the waistband of Shepard’s sweatpants. “Now you,” he murmured, smiling lopsidedly.

Shepard laughed quietly, settling back to kick them off. “Sorry. I always get distracted by you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It is.” Shepard grinned at him, then paused as his eyes trailed all over his body. Kaidan felt himself flush, looking away to avoid Shepard’s gaze.

“What?”

“You just look…amazing naked,” Shepard told him intelligently. “Like, holy shit.”

Kaidan snorted, loudly, and couldn’t help the giggles as his face burned even hotter. They’d seen each other naked before, having showered together, but this was…different.

“Uh, thanks. So do you,” he replied, reaching to rest his palms on Shepard’s bare hips. The muscle was defined, as if cut from marble, but warm and a little soft. He rubbed his thumb where the bones protruded a bit, then slid his hands down powerful thighs. He gave himself a moment to appreciate John in all of his glory, golden skin, curls on his legs and pelvis, then a trail of fuzz leading up his stomach and expanding onto his chest. Every muscle was sharp, and nearly every inch of skin held a scar. Some thin and white, some bumpy and pink. He kissed a few of them, enjoying the heat of Shepard’s furnace body underneath his lips. Shepard’s stomach contracted in response to the contact, so he did it again, closer to his pelvis. That earned him a slight arch of Shepard’s back, as well.

He slid a little further down the bed, pressing more kisses to Shepard’s pelvis and then up the shaft of his now-rigid dick. It was thick, hot, and velvety to the touch, and Kaidan took it into his mouth greedily once he reached the tip. He bobbed slowly, having to force himself to follow his own rule rather than just go to fucking town. He wanted to savor everything, though, just in case. Just in case.

He hummed happily around Shepard’s cock when fingers slid into his hair, holding on but not pulling. He splayed his own hands over Shepard’s stomach, giving himself some balance as well as admiring the powerful muscle. He ground up against the mattress as Shepard began to breathe heavier and moan deep from his chest, the sounds sending a shiver down Kaidan’s spine and straight between his legs. Soon he couldn’t take it and pulled away, crawling up Shepard’s body and kissing him bruisingly, biting at his lips. Shepard responded enthusiastically, returning a few nips and tightening his hold on Kaidan’s hair.

“Fuck me,” Kaidan begged, his voice a shaky whisper against John’s mouth.

John paused, pulling back to look Kaidan in the eye. “You sure?” he asked breathlessly.

Kaidan nodded erratically, leaning forward to kiss him impatiently again. “Yeah. Please.”

There were a few minutes of heavy breath, of grinding and groaning and biting, before Shepard tore himself away. Kaidan tried to go after him, fucking starved for him already, but let up when he realized Shepard was rifling through his nightstand. “Bottom drawer,” he panted. “Condoms, too.”

Shepard grunted, twisted, and leaned halfway off the bed to reach the drawer, grinning when Kaidan snickered at him. “Don’t laugh at me, Alenko.”

“Sorry. You look funny,” Kaidan teased, reaching to tap his ass playfully. The banter was bringing him back into his head a bit, which he supposed was probably a good thing.

Shepard sat back up with a small bottle of lubricant and a string of cheap condoms in his grasp. Kaidan smiled, crawling forward and kissing him softly, slowing them down again, bringing them back. Shepard returned the affection just as delicately, dropping the items to brush his rough knuckles against Kaidan’s cheek. Kaidan felt the enormous words on the tip of his tongue again, but he choked on them before he could get them out. Fuck.

“Lay back,” Shepard instructed softly, pushing on Kaidan’s chest until he was slowly lowered onto the pillows behind him, propped up comfortably with his legs spread. John took a moment to tilt his head, whistling lowly. “Now that’s a view.”

“Stop,” Kaidan snorted, turning pink again.

“Sorry,” John grinned.

He popped the cap on the lube and slicked up a finger generously, shuffling backward until he was at a comfortable angle. He took one of Kaidan’s legs, hooking it over his shoulder and keeping him spread open, before gently pressing the digit into him. Kaidan closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and then released it slowly. It didn’t burn yet, especially with the lube, but it was always something one had to get used to before it was any fun. Luckily, that only took a couple of minutes, and soon he was loose and warm enough for Shepard to add a second, and that was enough to nudge something pleasant inside of him. He gasped happily, curling his toes a little.

“Right there?” John asked, his voice like liquid smoke, like whiskey burning it’s way down his throat and into his chest, warming his belly.

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied.

John kept the pace easy for a while, working mostly to get him loose, but soon they both got caught up. John started to finger him more quickly, watching his face with wide eyes. Kaidan wasn’t sure what he looked like, but he soon stopped caring as John jabbed his prostate and sent his hips off of the mattress entirely. “Fuck!” he croaked. “Fuck, okay, I’m ready.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, yes. I’m sure. I’m ready.”

John nodded, withdrawing his finger and leaning over the bed again to grab a discarded towel. He dried his fingers briefly before sitting up on his knees, tearing open the condom. It took him a few tries with his shaky fingers, and they both snickered helplessly as he struggled. Finally he managed it and rolled it on, then slicked himself with a generous amount of lubricant. Kaidan reached for the towel and slid it underneath his own hips, anticipating a mess.

“You’re lube-happy,” Kaidan teased when Shepard raised an eyebrow. “You’re gonna soak the bed at this rate.”

Shepard snorted and leaned forward to bite his earlobe in retaliation. “I assumed you’d like to be able to walk when we get- when we get there.”

Kaidan grinned, refusing to acknowledge the mission right then. They could worry about that later, worry about death later. Right now was about this. He widened his legs and lifted up his hips a bit, watching John’s face as his cock breached him and slowly slid inside. Shepard only let him take a couple of inches before pausing, pressing hot kisses down the side of Kaidan’s neck.

“I can take more.”

“Not about what you can take.”

Kaidan sighed but allowed it, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s torso and resting his hands on his back. When the impatience subsided, he was hit with a startling wave of emotion as he processed what was happening. He wasn’t afraid, he wasn’t even nervous. He just felt warm, protected, surrounded, adored. John pressed in a little farther and Kaidan felt full, from his body to his heart and his soul, and his eyes stung.

“Does it hurt?” Shepard asked, frowning down at him. Kaidan realized his eyes must be shining.

“No,” he whispered truthfully. “Feels good.” He reached to rub his thumb gently on Shepard’s cheek, and gasped weakly when he finally bottomed out, their hips pressing firmly together. He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath, and just enjoyed the connection.

“I love you.”

Kaidan’s eyes opened up to John’s, blue and shining just like his, a little hazy with pleasure. Kaidan swallowed, his throat constricting and his tears finally spilling over and rolling down his temples as he brushed his thumb over Shepard’s quivering lips.

“I love you, too,” Kaidan whispered hoarsely.

John kissed him deeply, his tongue caressing Kaidan’s hungrily as his hips began to pump. He thrust slowly, but using every inch, striking at Kaidan’s core with accuracy. He seemed to waste no second of movement, going slow enough that Kaidan could feel every bit of him, and it soon became overwhelming. Kaidan curled his toes into the mattress, then brought his legs up to wrap around John’s waist so he could hold him more tightly. Then his ankles dug into John’s ass, trying to drag him farther in until they just fucking melded together.

“Faster,” Kaidan begged softly, his lips brushing John’s, and whimpered when he obliged before the word was even fully out of his mouth. The strikes came more quickly, jolting just the right spot over and over again. Kaidan groaned, lifting his hips to meet each thrust greedily. He dragged his nails down John’s back, and he imagined happily the red trails he was leaving behind, like tiger stripes to remind him he was strong. That he could make it, that they could both make it.

They panted into each other’s space, Shepard pressing his forehead against Kaidan’s without a care for how slick their skin was.

“I love you,” Kaidan said this time, knowing he was moaning through tears but finding it difficult to give a damn. Shepard wasn’t much better off.

“Fuck,” Shepard groaned, kissing him roughly. “Fuck, I love you so much, Kaidan.”

“We’re gonna be okay,” Kaidan whispered feverishly, hardly realizing what he was saying as his orgasm began to loom. Shepard’s cock had begun to throb inside of him as well, and Kaidan rolled his hips to chase both of their pleasure. “I love you.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard gasped, pressing his face into Kaidan’s neck. “Kaidan.” After a few more gasps of his name, like prayers falling from Shepard’s lips, Kaidan was filled with heat. Shepard shook above him, his nails digging crescent moons in Kaidan’s shoulders, and Kaidan climaxed almost simultaneously with him.

“John,” he whimpered, clamping his legs around him and his hips twitching erratically as he came between them, splattering his own stomach and Shepard’s pelvis. It came in waves, seeming to begin from deep inside of him and spread out to the tips of his fingers and toes. He could feel himself shaking but couldn’t stop, didn’t want to, instead just rode through the pleasure and let himself just not fucking think for once.

Eventually, the world became quiet once more. Kaidan opened his eyes, slowly, and found John beside him, holding him close with his mouth pressed to his shoulder. Kaidan turned to face him, reached and rubbed away the tears underneath his eyes with his thumbs. John just watched him, silent, the corners of his mouth pulled down and his eyes red rimmed with sparkling lashes. Kaidan kissed him delicately, knowing his own eyes were wet as well.

“We’re gonna be okay,” he repeated, more firmly, meeting John’s gaze. “We’re going to make it.”

John nodded slowly, reaching to brush Kaidan’s sweaty curls away from his forehead. “I love you,” he whispered. “I meant it.”

Kaidan smiled, swallowing around the lump once more. “I know. I meant it, too.”

Shepard just watched him for a while, and then slowly closed his eyes, so tired, and rested his head on Kaidan’s shoulder. Kaidan was reminded of that first night in Shepard’s cabin, years ago now, back when they were too afraid to be in love. Back when they were still exploring, still deciding to choose each other, when things were still just as simple as a rogue spectre with a Geth army. When they were still just Commander and Lieutenant.

Shepard was tired, and so was Kaidan.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are now into the first part of the finale of Part Two! Holy shiiiit! I gave myself a little extra time with this chapter; I want to make sure that this finale is done well. Expect the next update next Wednesday, 8/29 :D

Colors passing in a blur overhead. The quiet bubble and trickle of the fish tank. The comforting whir of the drive core, a dull white noise in the periphery of the senses. A warm chest pressed up against his back, a thick arm draped over his side and underneath his own. Slow, soft breath tickling the back of his neck.

Kaidan couldn’t sleep.

He was of two minds about it. Part of him wanted to get up, utilize what little time they had left before they reached what they’d been working toward, get some last-minute training in. On his own, of course. Miranda was sleeping, hopefully, like he should be. But she didn’t need the training he did. God, what if he wasn’t good enough? What if after all that work, he still was just a scatter-brained, flawed biotic who couldn’t even overload a colossus without fainting?

He’d known John wasn’t really sleeping, the rigidity in his body up against Kaidan’s had been indicative of that, but Kaidan still blinked in surprise when he felt him shift behind him.

“K,” he whispered into his ear. “I can feel your heart. What are you thinking about?”

Kaidan took a deep breath, then another, trying to calm down. “I’m alright,” he insisted.

John sighed, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Please talk to me?” he murmured, almost begging, and Kaidan’s heart tugged.

“I…” he hesitated, shame settling in his gut. “I’m worried that I’m not good enough.”

A gentle hand slid to rest on his hip, a thumb rubbing small circles where the bone protruded a bit. “What do you mean?”

Kaidan chewed the inside of his lip, glad they were still back-to-chest, so he didn’t have to look Shepard in the eye. “I just need to be at my best for this mission. We all do. Just to get it done, not to mention to survive it. And I’m…just not sure I’m there.”

He closed his eyes as John’s mouth pressed to his shoulder again, lingering and letting the silence sit for a while. “You’ve worked so hard,” John murmured eventually, his lips brushing Kaidan’s skin. “Your entire life, but especially in the past few months. And didn’t you say Miranda finally taught you to Reave?”

Kaidan shrugged, closing his eyes to enjoy the comforting points of contact, Shepard’s heat warming his bones. “Yeah. I’m not that great at it, yet.”

Shepard laughed quietly, holding him a little closer. “K, you still learned to Reave. Not many biotics have the aptitude for that. You’re incredibly powerful.”

“Maybe. But not skilled.”

Kaidan blinked as Shepard sat up a little and tugged at Kaidan’s arm until he was on his back, John hovering over him and giving him a very serious look.

“Kaidan,” he said quietly, his face cast in shadow save for a strip of blue light that cut over his eyes. They almost seemed to glow. “You always talk like you’re a toddler, throwing biotic kicks around and breaking shit.”

Kaidan zoned out for a moment, a memory of he and his mother, standing across a room from each other with a shattered lamp between them, flashing across his mind’s eye. He hadn’t spoken to her in so long…

“But it’s not as chaotic as you say it is, K. Even back in the day, you weren’t just powerful, but you were precise. You got shit done and you had minimal collateral damage. And now,with all this training, you…” John paused, his hand sliding up Kaidan’s arm to cup the side of his neck. His thumb brushed against Kaidan’s throat. “Kaidan, you’re fucking _deadly_.”

Kaidan swallowed, staring up at him with goosebumps rising on his arms. Something settled inside of him, something that had been rattling around inside of his ribcage and contorting inside of his stomach. John believed in him, and John was one of the few people in the galaxy whose opinion Kaidan truly trusted. He was a warrior, one that Kaidan strove to emulate every day. And if John said that Kaidan was deadly, well, he had little choice but to believe him.

He stretched up to press his lips to Shepard’s, en lieu of words. Shepard seemed to understand him, and kissed him back.

* * *

The Illusive Man was out of his seat when the call connected, his hologram pacing the open air before Kaidan and Shepard as they stood shoulder to shoulder on the platform.

“Gentlemen. I wish I had more information for you. I don’t like you heading through that relay blind, but we don’t have much choice.”

“Touching,” Shepard drawled. “Thanks for the concern, but we’ve got it handled.”

“I have no doubt. Perhaps now my officers will understand why I was so intent on your recruitment,” the Illusive Man said emphatically. “I’ve never seen a better leader.”

Kaidan swallowed down the vaguely sick feeling at seeing how excited the fucker was at having Shepard at the helm of this mission. _This was what he wanted, this was what he wanted…_

“Despite the risk,” the Illusive Man continued, “this is a great opportunity. The first human to take a ship through the Omega 4 and survive.”

Shepard bristled, his chin lowering and his eyes flashing. “I’m going to stop the Collectors. To get our people back. _Your_ people. Not to make a name for myself,” he snapped.

The Illusive Man regarded him coolly, inclining his head slowly. “Understood. I just want you to know that I appreciate the risk you’re taking.”

“Yeah, I bet you do,” Kaidan muttered darkly.

“Something to say, Kaidan?” the Illusive Man asked, turning his sharp, bright eyes upon him.

“Fuck you,” Kaidan replied. “And, it’s Commander.”

Shepard cut the comm link before the Illusive Man could respond, smirking a bit and reaching to squeeze Kaidan’s shoulder. “Come on,” he murmured, jostling him a bit. “Let’s go get suited up.”

Kaidan nodded, following him out and to the cargo bay to retrieve their gear. He felt twitchy, like he usually did before a mission, but he also felt oddly calm. His heart wasn’t going haywire, his thoughts weren’t an endless string of worst case scenarios. He didn’t bounce on the balls of his feet as he and Shepard rode the elevator down. He was just wired, and ready, and determined to get shit done.

He stepped out of the elevator to find most of the rest of the squad strapping up, as well. It was quiet, though a few low voices could be heard over the hum of the drive core. Kaidan spotted Ashley and Jack, and almost headed over to them, but then he noticed that they were speaking with Samara. Their tones were low and their brows furrowed, and Samara rested a hand on each of their shoulders and squeezed. He decided they needed a moment, and turned toward the weapons locker instead.

Kaidan and Shepard spent a couple of silent minutes retrieving arms and ammunition. They’d tried, back in the cabin, to work out a plan for worst case scenarios, to try to anticipate so that nothing could take them by surprise. After about half an hour of half-assed suggestions, they realized there was just no way to be ready for something that no one else had done before. They had no layout, no numbers, nothing to work off of except the hope that they would survive the trip through the relay itself. If they could even manage that, everything from that point forward was a fucking mystery. They would just have to “wing it,” as Shepard had said.

Kaidan had never liked that sentiment.

“Approaching relay,” came Joker’s voice over the intercom, echoing throughout the cargo bay. “Everybody get to your stations and brace.”

“Let’s get to the cockpit,” Shepard said, clapping Kaidan’s shoulder.

“Right behind you.”

As the pair of them ascended to the cockpit, the rest of the squad went to their assigned stations, safe places where they were in the least danger of injury via shifting equipment or busted windows. They also needed people spread throughout the ship in case of hull breaches, though Kaidan didn’t expect too much of that. Tali had really outdone herself enhancing the shields and plating.

“Can’t believe it’s finally happening,” Shepard murmured, letting out a deep sigh as he spoke. His jaw was set and his brows pulled downward. From this close, Kaidan could see that he hadn’t plucked them in a few days. The scruff that had scratched at his thighs only hours ago was a bit darker, as well.

“It’s been a long road to get here,” Kaidan agreed. He reached to take John’s hand, lacing their fingers and squeezing tightly. “We’re gonna get it done.”

Shepard nodded, leaning to kiss his forehead firmly. “Yes, we are.”

The two of them marched into the cockpit, finding Joker looking a little jittery but otherwise cool and efficient, his fingers deft and quick on his controls. “About to pass through the relay,” he said, though he didn’t look away from his screen for a moment. “Stand by, and hold on.”

Kaidan found a hold on the ceiling above, gripping it tightly as he peered out the front of the ship. They were indeed approaching a relay, but it was unlike any other he had seen. Other relays glowed the soft, natural blue of a mass effect field, while the Omega 4 was an angry red so bright he had to squint. The energy within was erratic, emitting so powerful a hum that they could hear it through the Normandy’s walls and over her own whirring as they picked up speed.

“Reaper IFF activated,” EDI announced as they drew nearer, the ship beginning to shudder slightly. “Signal acknowledged.” The white noise of the drive core began to intensify, until the floor beneath their feet began to vibrate and it sounded as though the core was in the room with them. “Drive core electrical charge at critical levels,” EDI warned.

“Rerouting,” Joker interrupted, his teeth gritted tightly and his eyes sharp. The relay’s energy enveloped them, the light now so bright Kaidan had to shield his eyes. He could feel the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck raising, and his implant almost seemed to buzz. All at once they were thrown into the relay’s path, traveling so quickly that everything outside became a blur of passing light. Kaidan squared up and held on tight, holding his breath as the ship rattled so hard that it seemed as if it would come apart around them. It didn’t though, and EDI’s voice, even-keeled as always, warned them to brace for deceleration, and holy shit, they _did it_. They fucking made i-

“Oh, _shit_!”

Kaidan didn’t have time to glance at Joker before he stumbled a step, nearly losing his grip on the ceiling as the Normandy lurched to a near halt, a looming piece of debris the first thing they saw after exiting the trajectory of the relay. Joker brought them into a sharp upward curve, narrowly avoiding collision with what Kaidan now realized was part of a ship, blasted apart. They rocketed upward, until they were flying over the obstacle in their path, and they were out of immediate danger.

Joker let out a heavy breath, sinking back in his chair. “That…was too close.”

Peering out, Kaidan saw hundreds, maybe thousands more pieces of debris, all open space around them littered with broken skeletons of vessels that had attempted exactly what they were. He could now see what happened to those who never came back from inside the Omega 4 relay. “Shit,” he murmured.

“These must be all the ships that tried to make it through,” Jeff said quietly. “Some of them look ancient.”

“Look,” Shepard interjected, pointing far in the distance.

Kaidan brought his attention away from the wreckage surrounding them and squinted into the bright light emanating from a swirling ball of…something. It almost looked like fire, or a small sun. “That must be the Collector base,” he said. “Right?”

Shepard nodded once, his shoulders squaring. “Take us in close, Joker. Nice and easy.”

“Yes, sir.”

Avoiding the wreckage was easy enough, though there were some tight fits. Kaidan felt a bit of his anxiety ease; getting onto the base might not be as difficult as he imagined. Getting through was another story, but…one thing at a time. No sooner had he had that thought, than the hostile aircraft alarm began to sound throughout the cockpit.

Fuck’s sake.

“Be careful, Jeff,” EDI warned. “We have company.”

Kaidan blinked, trying to see out of the windows despite the fact that he knew Joker could see the hostiles on his radar. He grunted as the ship jolted, something making impact with the hull. “Shit!”

“Taking evasive maneuvers,” Joker snapped, “Hold onto your asses!”

The Normandy lurched again, Joker veering sharply to the right and upward to try and throw off what Kaidan could now see weren’t aircraft, but compact orbs, likely used for covert patrol of the relay. To ensure that none would survive the trip through. They blasted fiery beams in the Normandy’s direction, connecting once and sending her jerking off course before Joker could right her again. He snarled, baring his teeth.

“Now they’re just pissing me off! EDI, take these fuckers out!”

EDI didn’t respond, but seconds later the Normandy’s laser canon fired, shattering one of the orbs into pieces, and then another. The other orbs continued to fire, scraping and pounding into the Normandy’s newly plated walls. Kaidan gasped and lost purchase on his handhold, nearly crashing into the wall. A thick arm wrapped around his waist to steady him, John yanking him back onto his feet long enough to find a grip on the back of the co-pilot’s chair.

“Alert! Hull breach on engineering deck,” EDI informed them.

Joker glanced at the blueprint she projected, highlighting the affected area, and swore sharply. “It’s in the cargo hold,” he shouted above all of the noise.

“We’ll take care of it,” Shepard called back, nodding to Kaidan to follow him. “You get the rest of them off us.”

“Aye aye, sir.”

Kaidan followed after John at a run, already pulling out his weapon and holding it at the ready. They rode the elevator down, but about halfway there the lights went dark and it screeched to a sudden halt.

“Fuck,” Shepard snapped. “Fuck me!”

“EDI must be rerouting nonessential power,” Kaidan said, nearly tripping over his words as he tried to speak faster than his tongue could keep up with.

“There’s no other way to get down there!”

Kaidan looked up, taking in the deck number and then reached up to shove open the hatch on the ceiling. “We’re just below the CIC, let’s climb up, take the stairs down to crew deck, and then drop through the shaft.”

John didn’t question him for a moment, nodding once and holstering his weapon. “Alright, let’s move. Go.”

Kaidan hauled himself up through the shaft, taking only a second to gauge how high they were going to have to climb. They’d only gotten about halfway between the CIC and crew deck; wouldn’t be too bad. He took a running leap and grabbed a bit of concrete that jutted out far enough for a handhold, climbing as quickly as he could manage and using the length of his limbs to his advantage. Short on time as they were, he used his biotics to shove the doors of the elevator open so he wouldn’t have to let go of his handhold, and hoisted himself out of the shaft and back into the CIC. Shepard was right on his heels, and together they ran full tilt down the stairs onto the crew deck.

Shepard dug his fingers into the seam between the elevator doors, wrenching them open far enough for Kaidan to slip through underneath his arm, and then to follow suit. They turned on the lamps on their armor to light their way, as the shaft was pitch black, and shuffled swiftly down the wall until it was safe enough to just drop. Life was made easier by the fact that cargo was on the last floor, and once they’d landed on solid ground Shepard prised that door open as well to let them both through. Luckily they had had the forethought to quickly don their helmets, because they were met with the sight of a gaping hole in the far wall of the cargo bay, and Kaidan could feel the pull of the wind trying to tear them out into space fighting against the artificial gravity in his boots.

The culprit, one of the orbs which looked much larger face to face, hovered in the center of the bay. It spotted them, and it’s red eye immediately began to glow as it built up a charge. Kaidan and Shepard both ducked for cover, rolling in opposite directions so as to confuse the orb and throw it off-balance. Kaidan fired off a couple of rounds at it, snarling and slamming his back up against the storage crate he was hiding behind when it nearly singed his arm off. “Bullets hardly leave a scratch!” he cried into his comm.

“Try throwing him back out the breach!” Shepard shouted back. “I’ll keep up the heat with heavy weaponry!”

As promised, Shepard retrieved a weapon that was nearly as tall as he was, firing at the orb with a precise beam of energy. It didn’t destroy it, but it certainly singed it, doing more damage than a typical bullet might. Even so, it was unlikely they were going to win this simply through firefight. Kaidan grit his teeth, closing his eyes, building up a charge until his hair began to stand on end and his teeth tingled almost painfully. He let out a grunt of exertion and threw out a tight ball of biotic force, knocking into the orb square in it’s eye. It was knocked back several feet, and the laser it had been trying to fire at Shepard hit the wall behind them, thrown off-center. Kaidan built up another, and then a third, all while Shepard continued to fire and assist him. Finally, on the fourth kick, Kaidan knocked it clear back out of the hull breach and sent it flying out of sight.

“Thank fuck,” Kaidan sighed.

“We should stay here. There’s likely to be more before we reach the base,” Shepard warned.

“Shepard,” came Joker’s voice, “I’m gonna try to lose the rest of them in the debris field! Hold onto something down there!”

“Got it!”

Kaidan grabbed onto the nearest object that was nailed to the floor, bracing himself as the Normady swerved once more. Through the hull breach he could see that Joker had taken them into the heart of the more dense part of the debris field, pieces bigger than the Normandy herself by at least three times passing them by. He tensed as the tight fit meant they scraped up against many of them, hoping they wouldn’t be dealing with another breach. No alarm sounded, though, and it seemed as if Joker may have done it.

“Shepard, Kaidan,” EDI called over the comms. “I am detecting an enemy headed for your location.”

“Shit,” Shepard hissed, looking up as the same orb from before, still scorched with bits blown off of it, came sailing through the hole in the wall once more. “Take it out!”

Kaidan set his jaw and found a spot on the orb to focus on, staring hard as he clenched all of his muscles so tightly he trembled a bit. His skin prickled, his teeth tingled, and a smell almost like chlorine filled his nostrils. He dropped his rifle to the floor and threw both hands outward, palms facing the orb, and threw all of his energy in it’s direction. It began to spark, and shudder, and abruptly burst into a shower of metal and fire.

“Fuck yeah!” Shepard cried jubilantly. “Choke on that you piece of shit!”

Kaidan couldn’t help grinning, snatching his rifle off of the floor again and connecting to Joker. “We’re clear down here,” he told him, trying to keep himself from bursting into shaking laughter.

“Fan-fucking-tastic. Come back up here, then.”

“On our way. Tell EDI to turn the elevator back on, if she can.”

“Understood, Commander,” EDI replied. “I apologize for inconveniencing you earlier.”

Shepard snorted. “Hey, we didn’t die. That’s about all we can ask of you at this point.”

The elevator took a moment to recall, and then they were riding back up. Kaidan was silent for most of the ride, though he couldn’t help but snicker after a while.

“What?” Shepard asked, looking a little bewildered as he removed his helmet.

Kaidan waved him off, grinning. “Just…who the fuck designs a military grade ship with only one one way down to the cargo hold? Like…where the weapons are?”

Shepard blinked once, then snorted, his shoulders shaking with laughter. “Fuck me,” he sighed heavily, still snickering wearily. “Let’s quit. Become…I dunno. Bank tellers.”

“You’d go nuts,” Kaidan pointed out, smirking.

“True.”

“I say we sell used cars on the Citadel.”

“Now you’re talkin’,” Shepard grinned. It fell pretty quickly, though, as the elevator doors parted and they marched back into the cockpit.

Joker glanced at them briefly, seeming to give them a once over before turning back to his monitors. “We’re about to clear the debris field,” he said. “Collector base is just ahead.”

Kaidan leaned forward, squinting into the light. Once his vision adjusted he could see it, smaller than he’d expected but well-fortified.

“See if you can find us a place to land without drawing anymore attention,” Shepard instructed, standing behind Joker’s chair.

Joker sighed, straightening up a bit. “Too late. They’re sending out a ship, straight ahead.”

He was right; a ship, not unlike the one that had downed the SR-1 and then been infiltrated by them not too long ago, was emerging from the base. It’s canon was already glowing orange, and Joker only had moments to dodge before a thick beam of fiery energy nearly blasted them in two.

“Fire the main gun!” Shepard barked.

Joker did as he was instructed, his hands and fingers flying as he worked the controls. Moments later the Normandy’s guns returned fire, colliding with the Collector ship and puncturing it’s hull.

“Yeah! Eat that, you sons of bitches!” Joker crowed, flashing both of his middle fingers at his monitor.

“Get in close and take ‘em out,” John snapped, leaning closer. Any other time Joker may have complained (he’d certainly snipped at Kaidan for breathing down his neck plenty of times), but this time he didn’t.

“Everybody hold on,” Joker warned, grinning a little too eagerly. “This is gonna be bumpy.”

Kaidan had just enough time to grab onto something solid before the Normandy was swerving, faster than she had thus far, dodging debris and laser beams alike. Joker led the Collector ship on a chase through the heavy debris, which grew thicker and larger the closer they got to the base. He fired torpedoes behind them, which collided and sent the Collector ship completely off-course. If the torpedoes hadn’t shut it down, the explosion on impact with a heavy bit of debris certainly did it. Joker whooped loudly, then swore as the explosion sent a burst of fiery energy in their direction. They were engulfed by flame, and it was all Kaidan could see out of the windows as Joker’s screens went on the fritz and alarms began to blare.

“Fuck!” Joker cried, pressing buttons like mad trying to get something to respond as the flames dissipated but his systems still wouldn’t cooperate. The Normandy began to fall, Kaidan could feel it in the way his stomach swooped. “Shit shit, EDI!” Joker called desperately. “Mass effect fields aren’t responding, give me something!”

“Field generators unresponsive,” EDI replied, her cool-toned voiced almost sounding tense to Kaidan’s ears, though he may have been imagining it. “All hands brace for impact.”

Kaidan felt two arms wrap around his waist, yanking him away from where he’d anchored himself with the co-pilot’s chair once more. He was pressed up into the corner of the cockpit, boxed in by Shepard’s arms and shielded with his body. John was facing him, looking into his eyes with a set jaw.

“ _Hold on_!” he cried, and Kaidan did, one hand on the console beside him, and the other on John’s shoulder.

The Normandy’s velocity increased the longer she fell, and then she collided with a surface, jolting and skidding with a horrible screech of metal on metal. The impact knocked both Kaidan and John off of their feet, and they hit the ground with a heavy thud.


	34. Chapter 34

For a moment, everything was silent and dark. Then, overhead, the emergency lights began to flicker to life, the cockpit of the Normandy bathed in red. Kaidan frowned, pushing himself up onto his knees from where he’d been thrown to the floor and grunting a bit as he felt the bruises. He was alright, though, miraculously. Shepard herding them both into the corner had saved them from going flying against a wall or cracking their heads open. He glanced to the side to look for him, letting out a breath when he saw John a couple of feet away rubbing at his forehead.

“Hey, you alright?” Kaidan asked, reaching over to clasp his shoulder.

Shepard nodded, grimacing a bit as he brought his hand away. There was a cut on his forehead, already turning purple around the edges, but it wasn’t bleeding too badly. “Yeah. Bumped my head, but I think it’s fine.”

Kaidan crawled toward him, lifting up Shepard’s face and peering into his eyes with a frown. “How do you feel?” he asked, turning on the lamp on his armor to check John’s pupil dilation. “Ears ringing? Feel sick?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Shepard assured him, squinting into the light. “Turn that off, fuck’s sake.”

Kaidan snorted, letting him go but leaving the light on to make up for the dim emergency lighting. “Whiny.” He got to his feet, grimacing slightly. “Jeff?” he asked, approaching Joker as he rubbed his ribs from his chair. Luckily, he hadn’t been thrown out of it, or they’d likely be dealing with a, quite literally, shattered pilot. “You good?”

“Think I broke a rib. Or all of them,” Joker grunted.

Kaidan frowned and knelt before him, reaching out to feel along his ribs. Joker huffed and tried to push his hands away, and he gave him a stern look. “Just let me check, alright? I’ll make it quick.”

Joker let out a dramatic sigh but lifted his arms out of the way obediently. Kaidan pressed his fingers gently along his rib cage, listening for any intake of breath and feeling for cracks. After a minute of assessment he sighed, sitting back. “You’re good. Nothing broken as far as I can tell, probably just bruised.”

“Fantastic,” Joker sighed, though he nudged Kaidan affectionately. He reached forward to try to reactivate the Normandy’s systems, swearing and pulling his hands away when the monitor sparked dangerously. “Shit.”

“Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash,” EDI informed them, her voice sounding from the intercom but her holo-projection nowhere in sight. “Restoring operation will take time.”

Kaidan exchanged a look with Shepard, knowing they were both likely wondering the same thing - if they could restore operation at all. The sparks certainly weren’t a good omen.

“We all knew this was probably a one-way trip,” Shepard said into the silence, straightening up and squaring his shoulders. “Our primary objective is to destroy the station and stop the Collectors. At any cost.”

“Well,” Joker scoffed. “We’re off to a good start, then. What now?”

Kaidan peered out of the ship, though he couldn’t see much. It was poorly lit and dust traveled thick in the wind, obscuring the view. “How long until the Collectors find this landing spot?” he asked nervously. “Joker’s gonna be on his own.”

“Touching,” Jeff said dryly.

“I do not detect an internal security network,” EDI said. “It is possible that the Collectors did not anticipate anyone ever reaching the station.”

Shepard smirked a bit. “Well. That arrogance will bite ‘em straight in the ass.”

Kaidan pressed his finger to his comm. “Everyone sound off.” He let out a quiet sigh of relief as each member of their team sent assurances that they were alive and uninjured. Everyone had made it. Thank fuck. “Alright. Conference room on deck two in five,” he said, glancing to Shepard and receiving a nod of confirmation. “Let’s get this shitshow on the road.”

“Stay here, Joker,” Shepard instructed, clapping the back of his chair. “We’ll bring you up to speed once we figure out what the plan is.”

“Will do. Me and EDI will work on rebooting the Normandy.”

Kaidan followed Shepard out of the cockpit, their way lit by red up above and emergency lighting embedded in the floor at their feet, as well. They took the stairs down to deck two and let themselves into the conference room, which Kaidan thought he’d maybe seen once since his time coming aboard. They found Miranda and Garrus already inside, standing quite close and bent over a data pad resting on the table in the center of the room. Shepard snorted softly, alerting the pair of them and causing them to take a step away from each other.

Hm. To be evaluated later, Kaidan decided. If later ever came.

“I’ll be right back,” Shepard murmured into Kaidan’s ear, stopping in the doorway. “I need to go get something?”

Kaidan blinked at him. “Uh, okay. Hurry.”

Shepard nodded, ducking back out of the room and walking down the hall. Kaidan watched him for a moment, then shook his head and stepped inside.

“What’s our status?” Miranda asked, setting her data pad aside for the moment.

“No injuries. Normandy’s out of commission, but EDI and Joker are working to get her back online,” Kaidan informed her. “No confirmation on whether or not they’ll be successful, but…they’re trying.”

Miranda let out a long breath through her nose, nodding slowly. “I suppose that’s all we can do, at this point. Where’s Shepard gone?”

“Dunno,” Kaidan sighed, glancing over his shoulder. “He said he’d be right back.”

Slowly, more of the team filed in, some of them looking banged up but otherwise fine. It took nearly ten minutes for Shepard to return, everyone feeling quite tense and fidgety by the time he stepped into the conference room. The tension increased about tenfold when everyone saw who he’d brought with him; the Geth they’d taken with them from the downed Reaper. It was up and about again, with a few dings and scratches but otherwise good as new. Docile, as well, though that didn’t stop Kaidan’s hand from going to his weapon.

He’d known the thing was online and hanging out in a room off by itself; Shepard’s soft heart hadn’t allowed him to keep it out of commission. The geth hadn’t, however, been around the rest of the crew or on any missions. Until now, it seemed.

“Easy,” Shepard called, holding up his hands to pacify the squad members as they all began to speak at once. “This is Legion.”

“Shepard!” Tali hissed tensely. “You brought that thing back online?”

“He’s not dangerous,” Shepard assured her. “He wants to help us stop the Collectors, and the Reapers.”

Tali huffed, crossing her arms. “It is a machine, Shepard. It cannot want anything!”

“Creator Tali’Zorah,” Legion interrupted, it’s voice metallic and flickering. “We understand your trepidation, but our sole intent is to assist in the fight against the Old Machines. Old conflicts must be set aside.”

“Conflicts,” Tali snarled, “You drove us off our homeworld!”

Shepard stepped between them, squaring his shoulders. “Enough!”

“Shepard-”

“I said enough!” Shepard snapped, then took a deep breath. “I understand you feel strongly about this, Tali. But Legion has knowledge of Collector and Reaper tech that may be necessary for this mission to succeed. I only ask that you work together for this one mission. Just one.”

Tali let out a harsh sigh, glancing at Legion again where it stood a couple of steps behind Shepard’s shoulder. Kaidan still had his hand on his weapon, ready for it to get violent in the face of Tali’s obvious hostility. “I will cooperate,” Tali said darkly. “But after this is over, I cannot make any promises.”

“That’s all I ask,” Shepard nodded, looking relieved.

Kaidan relaxed marginally as neither Tali nor Legion attacked, and stood at opposite ends of the room. Tali kept her arms crossed over her chest but otherwise seemed to have put it aside for the moment, though Kaidan could almost feel her hard gaze on Legion through her visor. Legion was impassive, as geth were. It was all the more unnerving.

Finally, the rest of the squad members arrived, Ashley and Jack filing in last. Everyone gave a wary look to Legion, but otherwise didn’t comment.

“Shit,” Ashley hissed, reaching to grab Shepard’s chin and turn him this way and that. “We haven’t even left the ship yet and you’re already fucked up.”

“It’s a scratch,” Shepard snorted, pulling his chin away from her fingers. “It’s just ugly, that’s all.”

“Typical,” Ashley smirked, leaning one hip against the conference table. The rest of the squad members took their own places, the group of them circling the table, looking tense and fidgety. “So, what’s the plan? If the Normandy’s down, how the hell are we gonna get out of here?

Shepard shook his head, letting out a loud breath through his nose. Kaidan watched him quietly, taking in how his brow lowered and his jaw jutted forward defiantly, his eyes lighting up with fire. “We can’t worry about whether or not the Normandy can get us home,” Shepard said, loud enough for the room to hear. “We came here to stop the Collectors. And that’s what we’re going to do. We need a plan to take out this station. EDI, can you pull up your scans of the base?”

“One moment.” After several seconds, an image of the Collector base flickered to life above the center of the conference table. “You should be able to overload the critical systems if you can reach the main control center, here.” EDI lit up a section of the base, near the very top. It would be quite a climb.

“That means going through the heart of the station,” Jacob noted, frowning deeply at the map before them. “And going right past this massive energy signature,” he added, pointing out the large column in the center that was indeed lit up with energy readings.

“That’s where we’ll look for the missing crew. If they’re holding them anywhere, that’s most likely,” Shepard told them.

Kaidan fiddled with his omnitool, readjusting the map to display routes of passage throughout the station. “Looks like there’s two main routes,” he noted, pointing them out once they were lit up. “We should probably split up into two firing squads. Keep the Collectors off-balance, then regroup in that central chamber.”

Miranda shook her head, stepping forward. “No good, both routes are blocked,” she said firmly. “Those two doors into the chamber, the only way to open them is from the other side.”

“There’s always a way,” Shepard murmured thoughtfully, eyes flitting from side to side as he perused the map. “Here,” he said, eyebrows raising as he pointed. “Maybe we can send someone through this ventilation shaft, so they can open up the doors for us.”

“It’s a suicide mission,” Jacob sighed, crossing his arms. “I volunteer.”

“A nice thought, Jacob, but we need to send a tech specialist,” Miranda argued. “Someone who can shut down the security systems quickly.”

Shepard hummed, leaning over the table and passing his hand over his mouth thoughtfully. “Right. Our tech experts are Tali and Kaidan. We can only send one.”

Tali straightened, clasping her hands behind her back. “I volunteer,” she said. “Kaidan’s combat and biotic skills are more valuable. And he is…bulky, with his armor,” she smirked. “I will be able to pass through the shaft more quickly.”

Kaidan snorted, Ashley snickering into her hand behind him. “Gee, thanks.”

Shepard shook his head, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Alright, Tali. You’ll go through the vents. The rest of us will split into two teams and fight down each passage. We’ll occupy the Collectors so they’re too busy with us to notice someone’s in their shit.”

“We’ll need someone to lead the second fire team,” Kaidan noted. “Make sure we stay organized. Someone with experience.”

Shepard stared into space for a moment, drumming his fingers on the table as he thought through his options. Kaidan could almost see the wheels turning. “Garrus,” John said eventually, looking up. “You’ll lead the second firing squad. I’ll take Kaidan, Ashley, Jack, Samara, and Mordin down route A. You’ll take Miranda, Thane, Grunt, Jacob, and Legion down route B.”

Garrus nodded, standing up a bit straighter. “Got your back, Shepard.”

John stood tall once again, his eyes passing over all of them slowly. He clasped his hands behind his back, held his chin high, and though he wore armor with no insignia, no medals, no tags, he was Commander Shepard. And god, Kaidan loved him.

“I don’t know what we’re going to find in there,” Shepard admitted to them. “I won’t lie to you; it’s not going to be easy. We’ve lost good people, and we may lose more. We don’t know how many innocents the Collectors have stolen - thousands, hundreds of thousands - but it doesn’t matter. What matters is this: Not. One. More.

“That’s what we can do here. It ends, with us. They wanna know what we’re made of? I say we show them, on our terms. Let’s bring our people home.”

“Hell yes,” Garrus agreed, clapping his shoulder enthusiastically.

Shepard nodded once. “The sooner we get going the better, while we have the element of surprise.”

The team filed out, making their way out of the downed ship. They were on a bit of an angle, which made traversing the halls a little more difficult than usual, and when they exited the ship Kaidan realized it was because they were perched on top of a pile of rubble. The Normandy looked roughed, bits of her hull blown away or scraped up.

They leapt out of the ship and down to solid ground, splitting up into their two teams. Shepard and Garrus did another quick rundown of their routes, small maps of the base’s layout projected from their omnitools.

“Watch your ass in there,” Shepard told him as they wrapped up, his brow a bit furrowed. “No unnecessary risks. Keep in radio contact.”

Garrus grunted fondly, nudging him with an elbow. “You worry too much.”

“I’ve been spending the better part of two years worrying enough for both of us, Vakarian,” Shepard smirked.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Kaidan smiled a bit as Shepard and Garrus parted ways, John approaching him with confident steps. “Ready?”

John nodded, holding his weapon at the ready, his grip firm. “Ready. Let’s move out.”

The two teams headed off in opposite directions, while Tali went off on her own to find a way into the vents. Kaidan felt oddly collected as they advanced into the base, his nerves settled into something manageable, keeping him sharp rather than scrambled. The base looked like a larger version of the Collector ship they’d infiltrated, but more high-tech and with more places to hide. He kept his omnitool actively reading heat signatures, just in case anyone tried to get the jump on them.

“I’m inside the ventilation shaft,” Tali’s voice informed them over comms, sounding a little strained but otherwise fine. “It’s hot in here, but clear as far as I can tell.”

Shepard nodded to himself, pressing his fingertips to his comm. “Team two, are you in position?”

“In position,” Garrus confirmed. “We’ll meet you on the other side.”

“Alright,” Shepard said, picking up the pace. “Let’s go make some noise.”

“Heat signatures ahead,” Kaidan announced, speeding up to a light jog to keep up with him. “Weapons ready.”

Sure enough, as they rounded the next corner they were met with a squad of Collectors, all of which appeared quite startled to see them. Good sign, Kaidan mused. Even if this firefight did alert the rest of the base, they’d be scrambling. Luckily, it didn’t last long, their squad of six able to easily pick them off.

“That’ll have alerted everyone else,” said Shepard. “We’ll likely be encountering heavier numbers the further we go.”

“Good,” Jack smirked, still glowing faintly blue all over. “Haven’t even broken a sweat yet.”

“I need help,” came Tali’s voice, making Kaidan’s gut swoop before he realized he couldn’t hear gunfire. “Something is blocking the pipe. Looks like a gate?”

Shepard sword softly, looking around and spotting her at the same time Kaidan did; the ventilation pipe ran overhead, and they could see Tali inside through the glass. She did indeed appear to be blocked by some sort of gate, and it was likely heating up fast inside that tiny space.

“Need to find a valve,” he said, glancing at Shepard. “Open the gate and release the pressure inside.”

John nodded, his jaw clenched as his eyes flitted about, searching. “I have no idea what the hell I’m-”

“There,” Ashley said, pointing toward a control panel just below where pipe ran along a far wall. “Is that it?”

“Probably, let me check.” Kaidan jogged toward the panel, pulling a face as he realized he was going to have to figure out alien tech once more. Again, it wasn’t completely unfamiliar, but it still took him a moment.

“Anytime, Kaidan,” Tali pressed. “It’s heating up in here.”

“Working on it,” he replied tensely, frowning as he fiddled with controls. Finally he hit something right, and looked up as the air pressure released from the pipe and the gate blocking Tali’s way rose. “Got it.”

Tali passed through the opening, moving carefully so as not to make too much noise or draw attention. “Thanks. Will keep you updated.”

They continued on down their route, following Shepard’s lead as he took them on the most direct route to the central chamber. As he’d predicted, they ran into increased numbers of Collectors the further they went in, until Kaidan began to wonder if they’d been lulled into a false sense of security when they’d first arrived. More and more bullets pinged his armor, enemies sneaking up on his six more frequently than he would like. Tali also ran into problems, several more blockages sitting in her way as they advanced. Kaidan worked to release the last one now, the door into the central chamber straight ahead of them. Only problem was, the area they were in was absolutely crawling with Collectors, and every time he began to work the controls on the panel, a bullet would ping near his head.

He spun around again and again to retaliate, snarling in frustration.

“Kaidan, hurry,” Tali pleaded. He could see her feeling around on the walls for loose paneling or something she could use to help, her breathing heavy in his communicator as the heat got to her.

“Just hang on, Tali,” he said through gritted teeth. “John, cover me! I need to get Tali out of there!”

John glanced over at him, engaged in heavy fire with a group of Collectors. He began to back toward Kaidan blindly, still facing and firing on the enemies as he went, and coming to a halt with his body blocking off Kaidan’s like a human barrier. Kaidan took the opportunity, his fingers flying as he worked the controls as quickly as he could. He swore in relief when the gate rose, and Tali was able to pass through. “Get us into that chamber, Tali!”

“On it!” she called, still sounding a little breathless. At least she was on her feet; that was all they could ask for, at this point. Just to stay on their damn feet.

Their squad all backed up against the door into the central chamber, keeping up the defense while Tali worked to let them through on the other side. Kaidan ground his teeth after a minute, wondering what the hell was taking her so long, then gasped when the door parted.

“Go!” Shepard barked, shoving them all through with rough hands on their backs. He darted through the opening bringing up the rear, jogging backward and laying down covering fire until the door closed behind them. On the other side, they could hear more sounds of battle from Garrus’ team. Tali darted over to the other door, skidding on her knees and coming to a stop in front of the holographic lock. She immediately got to work hacking the security system, though once again, it took her longer than it should have.

“The door is stuck,” she snarled in frustration, leaning closer to it so she was nearly pressing her face into it. “Come on, come on-” All at once the door slid open, and Garrus’ team came sprinting through, heavy fire at their backs. Bullets bounced off of the far wall, and Kaidan raised his weapon alongside the others to assist.

“Fall back!” Shepard barked. “Tali, close the door!”

“Trying!” she shouted back, her hands and fingers nearly a blur as she worked. Finally, the door slid shut and locked once more, gunshots now muffled beyond it.

Kaidan let out a heavy breath, bracing his hands on his knees as he panted. “Nice, Tali.”

“That sucked,” Ashley breathed, pulling off her helmet to wipe sweat out of her eyes.

“That’s one word for it.”

Kaidan straightened up, turning around to search for John and figure out the next move. He paused as he found him staring wide-eyed, his head craned backward, and followed his gaze. Above them ran thick, winding tubes, all of them leading to thousands and thousands of pods, just like the ones they’d seen on the Collector ship. They lined every inch of the chamber, from floor to ceiling. From where they stood, Kaidan couldn’t even see which ones were full and which weren’t.

“Over here,” Mordin called, waving to them from across the chamber. He was stood in front of a cluster of pods up against the wall, all of which were occupied. Through the glass Kaidan could see faces he didn’t recognize, but also members of their crew, including Kelly Chambers and Dr. Chakwas. They were all unconscious, propped up but out cold. He approached Dr. Chakwas’ pod, feeling around it for some sort of release.

Shepard did the same with a pod a couple of rows down, occupied by a woman, out cold just like the rest. patting around the glass. “Looks like one of the missing colonists,” he murmured, frowning. “Wonder how many are here…”

As he mused, the woman inside of the pod stirred, frowning slightly as if waking from sleep. Her eyes cracked open and locked with Shepard’s for just a moment, before she began to scream. Shepard went stock still, and Kaidan sprinted over, the woman’s shrieks curdling his blood, and froze when he realized what was wrong. The woman’s flesh was…melting, liquefying into a gory paste right before their eyes. Her hands beat against the glass, leaving bloody streaks as her fingers and palms disintegrated, helped along by the impact. The sound seemed to jolt Shepard, and he whipped round to face the others.

“Get them out of there!” he bellowed, his voice echoing in the chamber. “ _Now_!”

Kaidan snatched his rifle off of his back, using the butt to ram the glass of the nearest pod. After a few tries it broke, and the man inside slumped forward, a few bits of his flesh bleeding but otherwise still alive. Kaidan eased him to the ground before moving on to Chakwas, gritting his teeth and slamming the butt of his rifle into her pod before it shattered and she collapsed against him. He caught her before she could fall to the ground.

He could not say the same for the others trapped inside the chamber, but Kaidan was relieved when they successfully rescued their crew from the pods. Kelly was shaking slightly as she came to and he knelt to comfort her and squeeze her shoulder. It felt a little odd; the woman had worked him through a panic attack or ten during their sessions since he’d boarded the SR-2.

“It’s alright, Kelly,” he murmured. “You’re alright.”

She let out a shuddering breath, seeming to collect herself and nodding slowly. “Thank god you came when you did,” she breathed, pushing herself to her feet. She was a bit wobbly, but she managed. “A few more seconds, and…”

“The colonists were…processed,” Chakwas told them, her voice weak. Her face had a gnarly gash in it, where her flesh had just begun to melt. “The pods…melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped them through those tubes.”

Shepard stared at her, every line of his body tense. “Why?” he asked tightly. “What are they doing with it?”

“I don’t know,” Chakwas admitted, shaking her head. “I’m just glad you got here before it happened to us.”

Kaidan looked up, frowning and trying to follow the tubes and see where they led. “Joker, can you read our position? Where do these tubes go?”

“Yeah, hang on,” Joker’s voice murmured, silent for a moment. “Mm. They lead to the room right above you. Looks like the main control room. Route’s blocked by a security door, but there’s another chamber that runs parallel to the one you’re in. Could be another route.”

“I cannot recommend that,” EDI interjected. “Thermal emissions suggest that the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Dr. Solus’ countermeasures cannot protect you against so many at one time.”

“Discussed this already,” Mordin said, glancing at Kaidan. “Biotic field can hold off swarms. Just send small team through. Smaller field, less strain.”

“I volunteer,” Kaidan piped up, straightening his back. “I’ll maintain the barrier.”

Ashley pulled an anxious face. “Are you sure, Kaidan?”

Kaidan locked eyes with John, determination setting his jaw. _Kaidan, you’re fucking deadly_ echoing in his ears.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

John lifted the corner of his mouth slightly, nodding once. “Alright. Kaidan will maintain the barrier. Ash and Tali, you’re with us for fire support and getting us through any doors we might come across. Everyone else, join up with Garrus’ team to create a diversion in the main passage. Tali will open the security doors from the other side for you and we’ll meet you there.”

“We need to get the crew back to the ship,” Kaidan advised. “They’re in no shape for a firefight.”

“We can’t afford to go back now,” Miranda argued tensely.

John nodded, holding up a hand to silence them. “We’ll send them with an escort. Joker, how are repairs?”

“I can send a shuttle out,” Joker told him. “We’ll have to land back a bit from your position, but we can meet about halfway.”

“Alright,” Shepard agreed, turning toward Mordin. “Mordin, make sure they get to the shuttle in one piece.”

Mordin nodded firmly, pulling up his omnitool. “Joker, need location of landing zone. Will meet you there.”

“Sending now, doc.”

Kaidan took a deep breath as they all separated once more, reloading their weapons and getting themselves centered for another fight. He felt a hand on his shoulder plate, looking over to find Shepard giving him a serious look.

“You ready to keep going?” he asked quietly.

Kaidan released a long breath through his nose, lifting the corner of his mouth.

“Hell yeah.”


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for being patient, you beautiful people <3 Life's been weird, but we're truckin' along!

The group of them were nearly silent as Mordin gathered the crew members, speaking quietly to Joker over his omni-tool. Tensions were beginning to run high, now, as the rescue meant that they only had one step left - to blow the base to hell, and try not to die in the process.

Once Mordin and the crew had set off, the rest allowed themselves a couple of minutes to prepare, reloading weapons and slapping quick bandages on wounds. Kaidan tried not to watch as Jack took Ashley’s cheeks into her hands several feet away, though he couldn’t help overhearing.

“You be careful,” Jack said firmly, giving Ash a stern look. “You better come back or I’ll be pissed.”

Ashley laughed quietly, kissing Jack between her eyes. “I will. You, too, okay?”

Jack nodded, squeezing her tightly and ruffling her hair, before finally letting her go. “Go on then,” she said gruffly, eyes averted to the ground.

Ashley took a breath, kissed Jack’s cheek one more time, then turned and approached Kaidan and Shepard with her shoulders squared. “Let’s get going. Before reinforcements come.”

“Agreed,” Shepard nodded, clapping her back twice. “Tali, let’s go.”

Tali looked up from where she’d been talking quietly with Garrus, giving him one last nod before jogging over. “Ready.”

They set off toward the side chamber, while Garrus and the rest made their way back into the main passage to work their magic. Kaidan was silent as the four of them walked, his eyes trained forward as he practiced the mindful exercises Miranda had taught him to center himself. At the same time he stretched out his joints and rolled his neck, anticipating some discomfort depending upon exactly how long he would need to keep up his shield. His record so far was about five straight minutes before he started feeling pain and fatigue, and that was without hundreds of Seekers trying to bash their way inside of it. Hopefully they could move quickly.

Kaidan could hear the swarms before he could see them. As they approached the entrance to the passage, a dulled buzzing grew louder and louder just beyond the door. He took a deep breath, holding one hand above his head. “Everyone ready?” he asked.

“We’re ready, Kaidan,” Shepard replied. “Put up the shield.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kaidan splayed his fingers, and a blue bubble surrounded them, giving them a few feet of berth on all sides. The bubble was compact, but wide enough for combat should the need arise. Tali reached to unlock the door into the passage, and all at once the dull buzz became a roar, only slightly muffled by Kaidan’s biotic shield.

“Alright, let’s make this quick,” he advised, stepping through with the others following suit. He grimaced as the thousands of Seekers immediately began to beat against his shield, trying to tear their way through. It wasn’t enough to cause him any discomfort just yet, but he did grind his teeth as he doubled his efforts, focusing hard on keeping the shield steady. “I’m not gonna be able to fight and keep this up at the same time.”

“We have it handled, eh?” Shepard said, smirking at the other two and nudging Ash in the ribs.

“Damn right we do,” Tali agreed firmly. “You just do your job, Kaidan, and we’ll do ours.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Following the small map on Shepard’s omni-tool, they made their way through the chamber. It was slow going, Kaidan only able to move so quickly with the pressure of thousands of Seekers threatening to push him back from all sides. The area around them was also nearly pitch black, the only light coming from the waves of blue energy emanating from Kaidan’s palm, and a bit of orange glow cast from Shepard’s map. Aside from the roaring hum of the swarms, it was quiet, almost too good to be true. Nearly the moment Kaidan had the thought, a squad of Collectors appeared from around a corner, weapons at the ready.

“Shit,” Shepard hissed. “Kaidan, get to cover!”

“On it!”

Kaidan slid behind a thick pillar, crouching low to avoid gunfire as he just focused on maintaining his barrier. It had been a few minutes already, and while he wasn’t exhausted yet, he was finding that it was taking more and more energy to keep himself focused. The anxiety of being under fire certainly didn’t help matters, coupled with the knowledge that if he fucked up for even a second, that was all the time the Seekers would need. Just one second. He set his jaw, finding a spot on the floor to focus on and counting his breaths as an anchor.

_I can do this. I can fucking do this._

The firefight lasted for roughly five minutes, which worried Kaidan more than anything else had. The squad hadn’t been more than maybe four Collectors, but it seemed that they were sending out the bigger guns. On one hand, that meant they were headed in the right direction. On the other, that increased the likelihood that they’d get fucking killed before they could reach their goal. Not to mention it called into question exactly how long Kaidan was going to have to keep this up. He tried to resign himself to crossing that bridge when he came to it, and got to his feet as the gunfire went quiet.

“All clear?”

“Yeah,” Shepard called back. “Let’s push.”

And so, they continued on. Doing a quick survey, Kaidan was happy to note that no one had been seriously injured so far, though there were definitely some dings in their armor that hadn’t been there before. He let out a heavy huff through his nose, frustrated that he couldn’t help more than just keeping some fucking bugs off of them. As they continued on, he swore under his breath as he began to feel the strain at the base of his neck, an ache around his implant site prodding at him like a warning. He lifted his other hand into the air to shoulder more of the effort, the Seekers slamming into his shield so hard and fast that he swore he could feel them against his palms.

A larger squad of Collectors, this time around six to eight, descended upon them a moment later, already firing before they could get their weapons up. Kaidan grunted as a couple of bullets scraped his armor, and slid on his knees into cover before one could find purchase. He peered around the edge of the concrete slab he’d claimed, keeping an eye on his squad mates as if he’d be able to do anything about it if they needed help. God, but he hated feeling helpless. He hated feeling so out of control. But then, he knew he wouldn’t have wanted to trust the barrier to anyone else. He was nothing, if not a protector.

Outnumbered 2:1, the other three members of his squad seemed to grow desperate after a few minutes and only downing one or two of the Collector attackers. They had to duck behind cover often, elongating the fight, and all the while the pain at the base of Kaidan’s head began to creep through his skull, spreading until it throbbed behind his right eye. He squeezed his eyes shut as a blurry spot appeared in his vision, trying to make it go away. He was distracted from the irritation as he noticed John pulling his signature move, stalking straight toward enemy fire as he lit them up in rapid succession. He either didn’t notice or didn’t care when he began to step outside of Kaidan’s barrier.

“John!” he called, panicking when John ignored him, continuing to fire at the enemies as Seekers began to descend on him. “John! John, get back here!”

Shepard likely couldn’t hear him now, smacking Seekers away from his face as he continued to fire, downing several Collectors on his own even with the hindrance now that he was at closer range. Kaidan snarled, getting to his feet and shouting as he threw out a wave of energy, expanding the barrier several more feet on all sides and enveloping Shepard inside of it once more. John froze, spinning to stare at him.

“Pay attention!” Kaidan snarled at him, the words coming out strained through his teeth as he fought the wooziness. He felt warmth on his lips, tasted copper, and realized that he had a nosebleed.

The fight lasted another couple of minutes after that, the remaining handful of Collectors weakened and going down more easily than their fellows. Kaidan sighed in relief when he saw the exit, walking faster and trying not to trip over himself as they hurried toward it. Couldn’t rest yet. Just another minute.

Tali hacked the lock on the door and the four of them ducked inside, letting it slide closed behind them once more. Kaidan dropped his barrier, and then he was on his hands and knees.

“Jesus, Kaidan!”

He frowned as his helmet was pulled off of his head, gloving hands cupping his cheeks and tilted his face upward. He opened his eyes, squinting for a moment as he watched Shepard’s lips move but heard only muffled sound, reminiscent of when they’d rescued Tali. He didn’t pass out, though, and slowly Shepard’s voice was audible again.

“-uck, Kaidan, I didn’t ask you to do that, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Kaidan grunted and sat up, pulling his face out of Shepard’s hands. “I’m fine,” he insisted under his breath. “Let’s keep moving.”

“Kaidan, fuck’s sake, you fainted just now.”

“Didn’t. Just needed a second. I’m good.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard repeated, more firmly. “You’re switching out with Jack when Garrus’ team reaches us.”

Kaidan’s stomach twisted, his face getting hot as he glared at John. “No, I’m not.”

“Like hell, Alenko, you just gave yourself a nosebleed and collapsed! You’re in no shape to keep going,” Shepard snapped. “It’s not up for debate.”

Kaidan’s temper flared, and he grit his teeth as he tried to keep it in check. “I told you I’m fine, John. I’m going to keep going.”

“No, you’re-”

“You are not my C.O. anymore!” Kaidan snarled, raising his voice in frustration. “And I’m not weak! I don’t need you to coddle me!”

Shepard looked a little surprised at the volume, but he didn’t back down. “I’m not saying that, I just don’t want you to fucking kill yourself!”

“I’m a soldier, just like you!” Kaidan shouted, rubbing the back of his hand underneath his nose roughly and smearing his glove with blood. “We knew this mission might mean dying, and that includes me whether you like it or not! You get to pull your own stupid stunts to do your job, then I’m gonna do mine!”

John faltered, sighing heavily and putting his hands on his hips as he shook his head. “Kaidan, that’s not-”

“I’m sick of being the weak link, Shepard,” Kaidan interrupted, his voice a little hoarse and his head still throbbing. “I refuse to be the weak link for one more second. Just let me do this! Please!”

It was silent between them for a long few moments, Tali and Ashley silent as they occupied themselves with opening the door to the main chamber and pretended not to listen. Finally Shepard nodded slowly, his shoulders releasing their tension. “Okay,” he agreed quietly. “You’re right.”

Kaidan sighed, his hackles lowering as he watched John closely. “You told me I was deadly,” he said softly. “If you actually believe that, then you have to trust me to do my job.”

“I do,” Shepard promised, nodding once. “I trust you. I’m sorry.”

Kaidan returned the nod, jaw still a little tense from pain. “Let me just take a couple pills and we can keep going.”

“Alright.”

Kaidan retrieved a pair of capsules he’d shoved into his belt before leaving his cabin, foreseeing their necessity. He thanked his past self as he swallowed them down dry, hoping they’d act quickly before he threw up all over the floor and became completely useless.

“Shepard,” came Garrus’ voice over comms, loud so as to be heard over gunfire. “We’re approaching the door under heavy fire!”

“We’re ready for you, door’s unlocked,” Shepard replied. “Haul ass, Vakarian!”

The door Tali had just unlocked parted, giving way to the rest of their squadmates and a flurry of bullets. Kaidan threw up a barrier in front of the door, Jacob spinning around to help him out as soon as he was through. The barrier was enough to repel the incoming fire, and with his pills kicking in, Kaidan felt virtually none of the strain. He was in for it in the migraine department, anyway, he could feel it like ice in the pit of his stomach, so - screw it.

Once the door slammed shut again, they all relaxed a bit, catching their breath. Kaidan pulled off his helmet once more rubbing the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “Anybody injured?” he called out, unclipping his first aid kit.

“Miranda’s hit,” Garrus told him, looking tense as he helped her limp along. She was bleeding from a bullet wound near her hip, her white suit stained.

She let out a huff through her nose, giving him a testy look. “I told you it’s fine, I just need a bit of medigel.”

“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got just the thing,” Kaidan smirked, reaching out a hand to help steady her as she sank to sit on the nearest flat surface. “Gonna have to tear your suit a little. Sorry.”

She snorted, lifting her eyes to the ceiling. Her mouth tilted downward in a grimace as she leaned backward, letting Kaidan widen the hole in her suit until he could get to the wound properly.

“Well,” he said cheerfully. “Good news. It grazed you - pretty deep, but still - so no need to go digging around for a bullet.”

“Hooray.”

Kaidan snorted, otherwise not acknowledging the sarcasm. “Medigel will fix it quick.” He got out his canister and pressed the nozzle to the wound, releasing a thick dollop and then smearing it over the injury. It thinned as it mixed with Miranda’s blood, but the inflamed skin began to calm almost immediately. “Garrus, can you bandage her? I need to check everyone else so we can get moving.”

Garrus nodded, striding over and lowering onto his knees before her, the pair of them locking eyes for a brief moment before he took the bandages from Kaidan. He heard Garrus mutter “scared the shit out of me,” and Miranda’s soft laughter as he walked away, inspecting the rest of the squad.

“Mordin and the crew just got back to the ship, no casualties,” Joker announced over comms. “How’s it going on your end?”

“We’re having a tea party,” Shepard drawled. “It’s been real nice.”

“Funny.”

“What’s our next step, EDI?” Kaidan interjected, pursing his lips at Shepard exasperatedly.

“There should be some platforms nearby that will take you to the main control console, similar to those you encountered on the Collector ship. From there, you can overload the system and destroy the base.”

Shepard nodded slowly, squinting at his map as it lit his face up a soft orange. Everyone looked up at once as there was suddenly pounding on the door Garrus’ team had just come through, echoing throughout the chamber. Kaidan pulled up the heat and energy readings on his omni-tool and grimaced.

“Hostiles outside, way more than before,” he said, looking over at John. “They’ll be through in a minute.”

Shepard let out a heavy sigh through his nose, his eyes darting between Kaidan’s before he straightened his back and lifted up his chin, surveying the group of them. “We need a rearguard to defend this position, keep us from being overwhelmed while I take a small team onward to the main controls.”

“Good idea,” Miranda nodded, bandages wrapped around her waist and standing upright once more. “The smaller your team the better. The rest will hold this position.”

“I volunteer,” Kaidan said immediately.

“Me, too,” Ashley said right after.

Shepard nodded once, and Kaidan would see the corner of his mouth twitch just slightly. “Alright. We’ll keep it at three. With the distraction here, we shouldn’t run into much opposition.”

He paused, his vibrant eyes slowly scanning each squad mate’s face. Kaidan allowed himself a moment to marvel at the genuine love, admiration, and determination that could always be found in that gaze, even in trying moments such as this.

“The Collectors,” John said. “The Reapers. They’re not a threat to us. They’re a threat to everything - _everyone_. Those are the stakes. Everyone in the galaxy. It’s been a long journey.” He glanced briefly at Kaidan, then away again. “And none of us is coming out without scars. But it all comes down to this moment. We win, or lose, it all in this last stretch. So, make me proud. Make yourselves proud.”

Kaidan’s heart swelled until he thought he’d choke on it. “Aye aye, sir,” he said, his voice loud and clear, and lifted his hand in a firm salute. Ashley did the same, and though they were the only ones who did so, they didn’t drop the stance.

Shepard stared at them both for a moment, his lips parted in surprise. Then he laughed quietly and returned it, though he looked a little awkward, like he thought he shouldn’t be doing it. Which, technically, he shouldn’t. But Kaidan also knew that that was complete and utter horse shit.

* * *

The Collectors appeared to have near-endless numbers. Kaidan figured that they should have expected as much, given that they were infiltrating their base of operations, but he was still surprised somehow by how bogged down they were trying to get to the platform EDI had mentioned. As they followed the navpoint she’d marked for them, they encountered squad after squad of Collectors, never fighting more than four or so at once but also hardly able to catch their breath before the next wave arrived. By the time they finally reached the platform, they were winded and Shepard was pissed off. He and Ash picked ammo off of corpses while Kaidan worked with EDI to figure out the controls; they were running low.

The lights on the platform began to glow and Kaidan called over his shoulder, “come here, I got it working.” Once Ashley and Shepard were at his side, the platform slowly lifted off and began to transport them to the core of the base.

Ashley craned her head back to gaze all around them, the tunnel the platform was leading them down was cylindrical and enormous, making Kaidan feel a bit weak at the knees. The same tubes they’d encountered in the chamber where they’d rescued the crew ran thick along it’s walls.

“All the tubes lead straight ahead,” Ashley mused. “What are they doing?”

“The tubes are feeding into some sort of super-structure,” EDI informed them. “It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must be massive.” She paused for a moment. “If my calculations are correct, this super-structure is… a Reaper.”

John frowned, pressing his ears to his comm like he hadn’t heard her correctly. “What the hell are you talking about, EDI?”

They emerged from the tunnel and into the main chamber, and Kaidan’s heart dropped into his stomach. Towering stories high, hanging limply from the ceiling like a twisted marionette, was a humanoid machine. It was half formed, parts of it’s arms missing and the lower half not present at all save for a sickly looking spine. Large tubes, resembling syringes and full of orange fluid, were stick into it’s shoulders and appeared to be it’s anchor to the ceiling. Kaidan’s blood ran cold, and his grip on his weapon tightened. “It’s not just a Reaper. It’s a _human_ Reaper.”

Their platform gradually came to a halt before the dormant Reaper, connecting to a ledge and giving them an up close and personal view. “Jesus,” Shepard breathed.

“The Collectors were using human genetic material to form and power the Reaper,” EDI explained, her voice a bit softer than normal. “It appears that the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans. Significantly more will be required to complete it.”

“What the fuck for?” Shepard snapped, his jaw tense. “What do they gain?”

“I do not have enough data to speculate accurately,” EDI admitted. “However, it is clear that the Collectors are pawns; the technology and knowledge to complete this feat is not their own. It is likely that the production of each Reaper is completed by different races, under the influence of Indoctrination. In this instance, it is the Collectors. In previous millennia, others.”

“That _thing_ is an abomination,” Ashley snarled. “How do we destroy it?”

“The orange tubes appear to be a weak structural link,” EDI mused. “Destroying them would cause the supports to collapse, and the Reaper to fall. It would certainly be destroyed in the process, if not in the destruction of the base itself.”

Almost on cue, the bastards, the whir of more platforms sounded from behind the Reaper, and moments later, they had company. There were at least ten Collectors, all armed with heavier weaponry than they’d seen so far and firing before their platforms had even landed. Kaidan slid into cover, gritting his teeth. “How many of them are there in this damn base?!”

“Enough to be a pain in the ass!” Shepard called back. “Ash, you’re the best shot, I want you to focus on taking out those tubes! Me and Kaidan will keep the Collectors off your ass!”

“Got it!”

Ashley pulled her rifle off of her back, taking a breath before sprinting to the back of their platform, taking cover once more and allowing Shepard and Kaidan to cover her from the front. Shepard was right, she was a fantastic shot, and by the time they’d dealt with the first wave of enemies she’d already taken out two of the tubes. The Reaper was hanging a bit more precariously, and Kaidan briefly worried it might fall on top of them before sliding off and to whatever lay below. He only had a moment with his thoughts, however, before a second wave arrived. They were pissed now, he realized, a bit more sloppy with their shots but also hardly giving himself and Shepard a moment to reload with their persistence.

He grit his teeth and threw a heavy kick in the direction of a group of them, powerful enough to send a few careening off the edge and forcing a few more to catch their footing. Shepard took the opening and shot them all in rapid succession, and then they were down. Ash still had one more tube left, and so Kaidan and Shepard assisted, the three of them assaulting it at once with bullets until it burst into a shower of glass. Only then did Kaidan notice that the tube had been empty, the orange fluid no longer inside.

With it’s structural integrity weakened, the Reaper hung limply, the awful groan of metal bending and straining filling the air. After a few moments of struggle, gravity pulled the Reaper from it’s shackles and it fell, past the edge of the platform and out of sight.

“Shepard to ground team,” Shepard called into his comm, his voice sharp as he peered over the edge. “Status report.”

“This is Garrus. We’re holding up but they keep coming,” Garrus warned, his voice raised to be heard over gunfire. “The sooner we can get out of here, the better.”

“Head to the Normandy,” Shepard ordered. “Tell Joker to prep the engines. We’re about to blow this place to hell.”

“Will do!”

It was quiet for a moment while they poked around the platform, for lack of an obvious control panel. Eventually Kaidan frowned, locating an energy signature on his readings and kneeling to the floor. Inside of the floor they’d found themselves on was a cylindrical energy core, much smaller than Kaidan had expected and glowing with that same orange substance. Was the entire base powered with the genetic material of Milky Way races? He grimaced, pulling the core into the open and waving Shepard over. “Found the core. If we overload this, it’ll overload every bit of tech in this place. Whole place will blow.”

“Uh, guys,” Joker piped up, sounding wary. “I’ve got a call incoming from the Illusive Man. EDI is patching it through.”

Shepard grunted, kneeling in front of the core beside Kaidan to inspect it. “Fine.”

The Illusive Man’s projection blinked to life, powered by Shepard’s omni-tool. Shepard hardly spared him a glance.

“Gentlemen,” the Illusive Man greeted, a self-satisfied smirk on his face and sounding absolutely elated. “You’ve done the impossible.”

“We had a team,” Shepard said dismissively.

“You did what you had to do,” the Illusive Man continued, as if he hadn’t heard him at all. “You acquired the Collector base.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, glancing sidelong at him before turning back to the core. It was hard to work with that asshole chatting. “Acquired it just to blow it up, yeah.”

“That’s just the thing,” the Illusive Man said. “I’m looking at the schematics EDI sent through. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors, but leave the technology in tact.”

Shepard stiffened, glaring hard at him. “No. They were building a human Reaper. This place needs to be destroyed, all of it.”

“Exactly! They were _building_ a Reaper,” the Illusive Man said emphatically. “Those schematics, that _knowledge_ could save humanity.”

“They liquefied innocents,” Kaidan snapped. “Turned them into…fuel. This needs to be destroyed. It can’t be allowed to exist.”

The Illusive Man stiffened, his hands curling into fists even as he fought to keep his voice even. “Don’t be short-sighted, Commander. Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them.”

“Resources gained at the expense of human life! Of human dignity!” Kaidan snapped angrily.

“This base is a gift,” the Illusive Man snarled. “Who knows what information is buried here! We can’t just destroy it.”

Shepard curled back his lip, shaking his head. “You’re ruthless,” he scoffed, his tone dripping with disdain. “Next thing I know, you’ll be wanting to grow your own Reaper.”

“My goal,” the Illusive Man said icily, each syllable enunciated, “is to save humanity from the Reapers. At any cost. I have never hidden that from either of you. Imagine how many lives could be saved, if we keep this base intact and utilize this information that we’ve been handed.”

“No matter what technology we might find, it isn’t worth it,” Kaidan said firmly.

“Kaidan,” the Illusive Man said. Kaidan stiffened. “You died fighting for what you believed. I brought you back, brought both of you together, so you could keep fighting. Some would say that what we did to you was going too far, but _look_ at what you’ve accomplished! I invested in you because I saw your _value_. In turn, don’t be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential. The ends that justify the means.”

Images of his nightmares, pictures his brain had invented of his own body laying as a heap of blood and flesh. The blaring of an alarm in his ears, a woman’s voice guiding him through a burning facility as his joints screamed and his implant flared with strain. That first look in the mirror, of his face and hands and arms all patchwork and split in places. His hair a looser curl, his eyes a lighter brown. Fully clothed in an unfamiliar shower, cold water beating down on him until he grounded himself in his new reality. A gentle man taking the pieces of him that had been scattered and slowly stitching them back to together by hand, pricking himself a few times along the way but ultimately, never giving up on him.

How dare this man compare his rebirth to this place? How _dare_ he?

Kaidan stared hard at the Illusive Man, his heart pounding, anger overcoming him so completely that he had but one thought - an image of his own hands, tight around that fucker’s neck. “You make me sick,” he retorted, snarled and through bared teeth.

Shepard disconnected the call.

“Here,” Ashley said quietly, speaking for the first time since the Illusive Man had contacted them. She handed Kaidan a pulse charge, her brow set low and her jaw clenched. She was angry, angry for him. He took it from her, squeezing her arm briefly.

“Alright,” he said, pushing the anger aside and attaching the charge before pushing the energy core back into the floor. “That gives us about ten minutes to evac before this place blows. We need to get going. Now.”

“Agreed. Let’s-”

The platform beneath their feet began to vibrate, then shake so violently it sent the three of them stumbling. Before Kaidan could ask what the hell was going on, a giant, half-formed, metal hand slammed onto the ground beside them. Then, the head of the human Reaper appeared over the edge of the platform as it hauled itself up, awake with it’s eyes and makeshift veins glowing brightly orange.

“Shit!” Shepard cried. “Cover, now!”

Kaidan rolled and slammed his back up against the nearest slab of concrete, reloading his weapon. Although, he wasn’t sure how effective it was going to be against a Reaper. “What the hell do we do?” he called over comms, his heart pounding.

“Give me a minute!” Shepard replied sharply.

The Reaper took a swipe at them, it’s hand scraping across the platform and nearly taking them with it. They moved further back, firing at any part they could reach but seeming to do hardly any damage. Finally, Ashley fired into it’s eye, and sparks as well as flecks of fluid burst out of it as a result.

“The eyes are a weak spot!” she called. “There’s a bit on it’s chest that looks like it’s probably weak, too, right where it glows!”

“Alright, you two take each eye and I’ll target the chest!” Shepard commanded. “Watch out for it’s hands, don’t let it knock you off!”

The Reaper was struggling, as it needed one of it’s hands at all times to keep it from toppling off of the platform. It was still huge, however, and one of it’s hands was half the size of the platform they were fighting from. Kaidan began to despair after a few minutes of firing and hardly any obvious damage. Meanwhile, they were swiftly running out of bullets, and had all nearly been swatted into the air like flies at least once. He reached to reload his rifle, and his blood ran cold when he felt no ammo in his pack. He was out. Completely.

“Fuck, fuck,” he muttered, tossing the weapon to the ground in a fit of desperate anger. “Fuck!” He glanced over at the other two, fear less for himself and more for the two people he loved more than almost anything in the world overcoming him. With that fear came resolve, and he took a quick breath, finding his center amongst the chaos. He stepped out of cover, reminding himself so much of Shepard he almost laughed, and built up a charge so bright he lit up the chamber with blue. His implant buzzed, the smell of gasoline stung his nostrils, and his teeth ached, forcing him to clench them harder. With a cry he directed an overload at the eye he’d been targeting, and the Reaper let out a blood-curdling roar as the eye exploded, it’s light going out completely.

Kaidan didn’t stop. He couldn’t really hear much, anymore, as if he were underwater and everything around him was happening on the surface. Still, he mustered his energy again, bursting the other eye with the help of Ashley’s bullets. He sank to one knee as that definitely sapped his reserves, sweat rolling down his forehead and into his eyes, blood once again leaking from his nose. He didn’t fall, though. Not yet. He took a deep inhale through his nose, and answered the Reaper’s roar with his own, the burst of biotic energy so heavy it popped his ears at the same time it burst the weak point on the Reaper’s chest.

It cried out with a metallic shout, fire and smoke billowing from the inside out. Slowly it fell, going dark and crashing into their platform. The concrete crumbled underneath the Reaper’s dead weight, the remains turning nearly vertical and creating a steep incline. Kaidan tried to find a hold, but the bit of concrete he grabbed broke underneath his grip and he began to slide off of, gaining speed the farther he went. He tried to dig in his boots, scraped up his fingers in his attempt to find purchase. He nearly sailed over the edge, but a strong fist clamped around his wrist at the last moment, catching him in mid-air and jerking his shoulder so hard he felt something pull painfully. He cried out and grit his teeth, the momentum of his body slamming him into the side of the platform. He was alive, though, and he began to pull himself up as the platform righted itself again. He looked up to see it was Ashley that had snatched him before he could plummet to his death, and he clapped her helmet briefly.

The platform had righted itself, but it quickly became apparent that they were falling. Kaidan looked around, realizing they had nothing to do but just let it happen. They were gaining speed fast, so fast that Kaidan began to feel lighter on his feet. He searched for John, reaching out a hand for him. John reached back, and they clasped hands, holding on tight as they braced for impact. The platform connected with the ground below with a solid thud, throwing them all off of their feet.

Kaidan did not let go of John’s hand, and they landed in a heap before being buried underneath a pile of rubble.


	36. Chapter 36

Kaidan was only out for a couple of minutes, inhaling as he came to and promptly choking on grit and dust. He spat and hacked, grunting as he tried to open his eyes and they stung from the dust, his visor shattered from the impact. He shifted and found he was pinned at an awkward angle, slabs of concrete on top and forcing him into an uncomfortable twist, and John unmoving underneath him. An experimental push hardly budged any of the rubble. Kaidan tried to use biotics to free them and cried out in pain, getting another mouthful of debris, as pain lanced down his spine and pounded behind his eyes.

Coughing, he doubled his physical efforts, kicking his feet until they were free and he could use his legs for leverage where his twisted torso had none. With a groan of effort he shoved at the largest bit that was keeping himself and Shepard crushed, lifting his hips to do most of the work. He gasped as the slab finally gave way enough to slip sideways with a noisy scrape.

He rolled off of Shepard, hissing as his ribs twinged. Definitely sprains, if not full fractures. He pressed them gingerly with his fingertips, finding it was enough to make him grit his teeth but not to make him cry, so that was probably a good sign. At least he’d be able to run. Fuck, how many minutes did they have until the base blew?

He crawled toward John, who Kaidan could now see was unconscious. The cut he’d gotten on his forehead when the Normandy crashed was reopened, and now joined by several smaller ones and a mess of bruises. He was tinged gray all over with dust. Kaidan reached to feel for a pulse in his neck, relieved when he found one, and tapped Shepard’s cheek sharply. “John. John, wake up.”

It took a few more tries, but eventually Shepard grunted, making the same mistake Kaidan did and inhaling some dust. He coughed harshly, rolling over onto his knees. “Fuck.”

“You good?”

Shepard nodded, waving him off as he looked around. “Where’s Ash?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“I’m here.” Ashley limped into view, shoving aside rubble as she went. Her helmet was fucked, too, showing that she had a swollen lump above her eye that was bleeding down her temple. Her limp wasn’t too bad, but it was clear she’d hurt her ankle.

“Shit. C-can you walk, Ash?” Kaidan frowned to himself, realizing his speech was little slurred, and he’d had to concentrate really hard to get those words out. Not good, not good. Now they really had to hurry.

“I’m good, I can run on it,” Ashley promised, seeming not to notice his struggles as she peered upward. “There’s a path we can climb to get back on track. We need to fucking book it, that pulse charge is gonna blow any second. I have no clue how long we were out for.”

John nodded, then turned sharp eyes on Kaidan. “Are you alright?” he asked warily. “You sound weird.”

“M’fine,” Kaidan said firmly, though he scowled as the words didn’t seem to want to come out from behind his teeth. “Ne-ee-eed t’keep moving.” He bobbed his head with each syllable, like that would force his fucking mouth to work. Jesus, this hadn’t happened in years.

“Kaidan-”

“Bomb,” he said sharply, or as sharply as he could while he felt like he was trying to talk with cotton in his mouth. “Go!”

Shepard let out a sharp huff through his nose, turning toward the path Ashley had indicated and starting to scramble up. Kaidan followed on his heels, Ash bringing up the rear, and together they began to sprint toward the nearest exit, following the twists and turns on Shepard’s map. As they rounded a corner they were met with a swarm of Seekers.

Kaidan tried to put up a shield on instinct and let out a hoarse whine, pain once again crackling through him like lightning. Blurry dots appeared in his vision, and he blinked rapidly in an attempt to clear them. He couldn’t make the words come out, so he just shook his head at Shepard and waved at him sharply; go, go.

“ _Shepard?! Kaidan, Ashley, someone?! Do you read?!_ ”

“We’re here, Joker!” Shepard barked into the comms, his eyes wide as he stared at Kaidan.

“ _Ground team’s onboard and we’re waiting on you! What’s your ETA?_ ”

“On our way. We’ve got Seekers on our ass and a pulse charge ready to go off, so keep the engines running,” Shepard ordered. “…And let Chakwas know Kaidan’s gonna need her.”

“ _Aye aye! Sending navpoint for rendezvous!_ ”

Each of their omni-tools blinked, and Shepard changed direction with a sharp turn, Ashley following easily and Kaidan stumbling a couple of steps before following, as well. Things were starting to get really fuzzy, now, and he heard Shepard shouting something over his shoulder but couldn’t figure out what it was. No time to worry about it now. Just have to keep running. He grunted as bullets scraped his armor from behind, and pushed harder.

They reached the navpoint Joker had sent, and as if on cue, the Normandy soared before them. Her hatch was open wide to retrieve them, and standing in the doorway was fucking Joker, looking weak on his joints but wearing a mean snarl as he fired an automatic rifle, taking out the Collectors and even some of the Seekers that had given chase. There was a sizable gap between the ship and solid ground, the Normandy keeping her distance to avoid hostiles boarding, and Ashley took the first running leap through the hatch. Kaidan followed after, jolting his ribs and gasping in pain. He leaned against the wall, the room spinning and turning his stomach, but he kept his eyes open as he watched for John to clear the jump.

Shepard took the leap, though he landed a bit short and needed Ashley to grab his hand and haul him up, and then the door was sliding closed. Bullets and Seekers alike pinged the hull like a hailstorm and EDI wasted no time, steering the Normandy out of the base as Joker hobbled back to his chair.

“Detonation in ten, nine, eight-”

“Yeah, we get it, EDI!” Joker shouted, grabbing onto his controls and increasing their speed, sending them hurtling back toward the relay. As he and EDI worked together to dodge the debris and avoid another collision, there was a burst of fire and sound behind them, followed by a heavy wave of kinetic energy as the pulse charge detonated the Collector base. While it nearly engulfed them in flame, it also helped to increase their speed. Kaidan gripped the nearest thing he could find that was nailed to the floor, still feeling almost unbearably nauseous but trying to keep it together. As they approached the relay, he felt that tingling on his skin once again, and the cockpit was bathed with red light, and the flames behind them were so close that the excessive heat alarm began to blare, and then-

And then, they were through, and the red glow of the Omega 4 relay went dark.

It was silent for a moment, and then Joker whooped loudly, throwing his fists in the air and only wincing a little bit. “Fuck yeah! Holy shit!”

“Am I dead, or did we actually just do that?!” Ashley cried, her eyes alight and her grin nearly ear to ear.

Kaidan smiled and laughed, relieved and hardly able to believe it, but it fell quickly when his stomach swooped again. He groaned as quietly as he could, closing his eyes as the cockpit tilted, lowering to his knees when he felt himself beginning to fall. Gloved hands cupped his cheeks, and he opened his eyes to a squint, his vision worse than before. He felt his lips moving, heard his own voice, but had no idea what he was saying. By the terrified look on what he realized was Shepard’s face, it wasn’t making much sense either.

Fingers raked through his hair, he thought he heard his name, and then he vomited on the floor before the world went dark.

* * *

Kaidan woke to a shrill, steady beeping in his ear, and the sharp stench of antiseptic in his nose. He opened his eyes to a squint and was surrounded by white, a window to his left letting in sunlight. He felt heavy, sluggish, his mouth was dry and the bed he found himself on was stiff with starchy sheets. Slowly he recognized that he was in a hospital, and the steady beeping in his ear increased in speed.

“Kaidan?”

As quickly as his heart had begun to race, it slowed. He turned his head to see John, in a chair beside his bed wearing civilian clothing and a few days of scruff on his face. His hair was messy and he had dark bags under his eyes. He reached out to brush Kaidan’s hair away from his eyes, his brow knit tightly in the middle and wrinkling up the healing cut on his forehead. It was scabbed over and much less ugly than it had been before.

“You’re awake,” John breathed in relief, kissing his hairline firmly.

“How long was I out?” Kaidan croaked around his dry throat.

“You were in and out, but you haven’t been lucid. It’s been four days since we escaped the base,” Shepard told him quietly, sitting on the bit of empty space on the edge of the mattress. He wouldn’t stop touching Kaidan, and his palms were warm and welcome against his skin. “You’ve been either too doped up or too busy throwing up to be very conscious.”

Kaidan frowned, his eyes fluttering as Shepard gently ran his fingers through his hair. He was very much in the mood to be coddled. “Damn. Didn’t think it was that bad.”

Shepard snorted, giving him a look. “Yeah, it was that bad. You scared the hell out of me, I thought…I don’t know what I thought. But you weren’t making any sense. And then you wouldn’t wake up, and…” He took a breath, looking out the window. “We brought you right here and it took them a while to get everything under control. I guess your implant was freaking out and your migraine…wasn’t allowed to stop? At least that’s what it sounded like. They had a specialist come in and fuck with the implant yesterday, and that seemed to solve it, at least for now. And now they’re just treating you for dehydration and keeping you on watch for a bit.”

Kaidan let that process for a moment, thinking it all over. His mind felt sluggish, so it took him a while to parse through. “So am I okay, though? When I first got the implant and the migraines were really bad, I’d have seizures.”

“Yeah, you…I guess you had a little one. It was hard to tell, but I guess they could tell from brain waves or whatever,” Shepard said, and Kaidan could hear the very slight crack in his voice as he tried to put up a cool front. “But they said you’re okay. They’re gonna do more scans for brain damage, but so far so good.” He lifted the corner of his mouth, but it fell just as quickly.

“John,” Kaidan murmured, reaching an arm that felt like lead to touch Shepard’s cheek. “It’s okay.”

John clenched his jaw, his eyes shining a bit. “I know. I just…that was really scary, eh? It’s fine, just. Never seen you like that.”

“M’sorry you had to.”

Shepard let out a huff through his nose, narrowing his eyes at him. “Will you quit doing that? Comforting me when you’re the one in a damn hospital bed?”

“I just don’t wanna be the reason you’re scared,” Kaidan said softly. “I wish that I wasn’t like this. All fucked up.”

He blinked as he was suddenly enveloped in John’s arms, cradled close to his chest. He swallowed, turning his face to tuck his nose into his neck.

“You’re not fucked up,” Shepard murmured, his cheek resting on top of Kaidan’s head. “I love you so much, Kaidan. I’m so fucking glad you’re okay.”

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut, lifting his heavy arms to hug him back as well as he cold manage. “I love you, too. Don’t make me cry.”

Shepard laughed quietly, pulling back to kiss his forehead. His lips felt a little chapped. Kaidan wondered how long he’d been sitting in that chair. Shepard took a deep breath, and Kaidan cleared his throat, wiping his eyes with a weak and shaking hand.

“Chakwas is gonna be here soon.”

“Which hospital is this?” Kaidan asked, trying to peer out the window.

“Huerta. We’re on the Citadel.”

Kaidan nodded slowly, leaning back against the pillows. “…have you heard from the Illusive Man?”

Shepard scoffed bitterly. “No. Figured you’d wanna be with me when I told him to get fucked.”

“Mm. You were right about that.”

The opportunity came that evening. After a long day of consultations and being poked at by sadists in white coats, Kaidan was feeling ornery. A perfect time to tell your old “boss” to go to hell.

“I unblocked the channel,” Shepard told him softly. They were alone in Kaidan’s hospital room, the door locked and the lights dim. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded.

John nodded, pulling up the Illusive Man’s channel on his omni-tool. The man’s projection winked into view, and Kaidan was vindictively pleased to find that he looked livid. He already had two cigarette butts resting in the ash tray beside him, and was working on a third.

“Gentlemen,” he said sharply. “You are getting into the habit of costing me more than time and money. Not only did you squander our best chance at defeating the Reapers, but you haven’t checked in in days.”

Shepard frowned, leaning toward him a bit. “Sorry, what was that? I’m getting a lot of bullshit on this line…”

Kaidan snorted.

“Do not test my patience,” the Illusive Man said bitterly. “The technology in that base could have secured human dominance in the galaxy, against the Reapers and beyond.”

“Human dominance, or just Cerberus?” Kaidan asked. “Either way, not interested.”

“Cerberus is humanity!” he snapped. “I should have known you would choke when it came to the hard decisions. Too idealistic from the start, both of you!”

“We don’t work for you,” Shepard interrupted sharply. “Never did. The Reapers are coming, and if you wanna fuck around with your pro-human cult shit, then that’s your issue. Just don’t be surprised when we put you down to get you out of our way.”

“Kaidan, you’re an intelligent man. Surely you realize-”

“Do not call me that,” Kaidan snapped. “It’s Commander. Actually, feel free to not refer to me at all. We’re done here.”

“Don’t turn your back on me, Kaidan,” the Illusive Man snarled. “I made you, I brought you back from the dead!”

“I’ll be sure to send you a gift basket.”

The call disconnected.

* * *

Kaidan was released from Huerta Memorial Hospital a three days later, all full of fluids and stocked up with new meds from Chakwas. She was also “suggesting” (although it had been a bit more forceful than that) that Kaidan get off of the painkillers he was currently relying on to get him through his migraines.

When he’d explained to her that he’d tried beta blockers before but found that just popping a painkiller whenever he felt a migraine coming on worked better for him, he thought she was gonna pop a blood vessel. Long story short, she’d put him back on the maintenance meds and drastically decreased the dosage on his painkiller prescription. Embarrassingly, she’d also gotten him set up with some rehab specialists,so they could monitor him for withdrawal symptoms. He felt like he was twenty again.

To top it all off, his welcome back to the world once he’d left the hospital was to be immediately put on house arrest by the Alliance. It wasn’t an especially dramatic event, just one lieutenant named James Vega looking very nervous despite the fact that he probably had fifty pounds on Kaidan and enough neck for two people.

“Sorry, sir,” the kid said, saluting briefly as he stood in the doorway of Kaidan’s hospital room. “I’ve got orders to escort you back to your apartment, where you’ll be kept under watch until your hearing.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, gesturing for Vega to lead the way. The guy had to be close to seven feet tall, damn. “Any idea when that might be?”

“Soon as possible, I’d imagine. Your record’s impressive and squeaky clean, so it’s probably just a formality,” Vega reasoned, leading the way out of the hospital and toward the elevator. “How are you feeling, sir? Shepard says you’re doing well.”

“A lot better, yeah,” Kaidan nodded. “You met Shepard, eh?”

“Yeah. He’s been hanging around Anderson’s office a lot,” Vega told him with an amused snort. “Making the other officers a little jumpy.”

Kaidan smirked, shaking his head. “Yeah. I can imagine.”

He and lieutenant Vega made their way toward military housing, pausing outside of the door into Kaidan’s apartment. “So…do I get an ankle bracelet, or…?”

Vega laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Nah, nothin’ like that. Guys are gonna be posted outside your door, though. Just until the trial’s over.”

“Great,” Kaidan sighed. “Okay. Well, thanks for the info, lieutenant. Good to meet you.”

“Good to meet you too, sir.”

Vega took his post beside the door, carefully not looking at Kaidan as he made a valiant effort at not making it weird. Kaidan smirked, shaking his head before stepping inside.

Ashley had helped him get a place while he was in the hospital, as his other one had been forfeited when he…well, fucking died for a couple years. As such, the place was bare, furnished with the standard stuff the Alliance provided and not much else; he assumed everything he actually owned had been given to his parents. Damn, he needed to call them.

He nearly shrieked when he turned around and saw John, sitting on the bed in the corner of the studio apartment, snickering at whatever look was on his face. “Jesus, John!”

“Sorry!” Shepard cackled, though he didn’t look sorry at all. “I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“You’re gonna give me a heart attack one day,” Kaidan muttered, shuffling over and sitting beside him. He set the bottles of pills on his nightstand. “What are you doing here? We’re probably not supposed to be talking.”

“Probably not,” Shepard smirked. “You’ve got a fire escape outside your window, though, and it’s super easy to climb.”

Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes and resting his head on his shoulder. “If you get arrested I’m gonna be pissed.”

“The Alliance can’t arrest me anymore, I’m discharged. And if C-sec comes for me, well…I used to get beers with Bailey every weekend, so…”

“You’re lucky I find your arrogance sexy,” Kaidan smirked, though it was more a tired quirk of his lips than anything. “Met Vega.”

Shepard smiled. “Oh yeah? Good kid. Full of questions.”

“Really? He seemed a little clammed up to me.”

“Hm. Well. Maybe he likes me better.”

Kaidan snorted, nudging him roughly and forcing him to catch himself on the mattress. “I’ve got a hearing, apparently. That should be fun.”

“It’s formality, mostly,” Shepard told him assuredly. “I’ve been talking to Anderson about it. Y’know, in between Reaper stuff,” he snorted. “But he said the only reason they’re going through with the house arrest and shit is because-” He paused, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. “Uh. Well. With you being an L2, they wanted to make sure-”

“That I haven’t had a schizophrenic meltdown and become a super villain?” Kaidan asked sarcastically. “Great.”

Shepard grimaced, wrapping an arm around his waist. “I’m sorry. It’s bullshit. But they’ve got nothing on you, your record’s spotless. And Ash can vouch for you. So, it’ll be okay.”

Kaidan released a slow breath, nodding. “Yeah.” He scooted a little closer, draping his own arm over Shepard’s stomach and pressing his cheek to his chest. He closed his eyes as John rubbed slow circles into his back, his gut clenching. “John. With the Collector base destroyed…we probably don’t have much time left. The Reapers will be pissed. They’ll be coming for us even harder.”

Shepard hummed, sitting up a bit and kicking off his boots. “C’mere,” he murmured, scooting farther back on the bed and tugging Kaidan with him. They rested against the pillows, Kaidan lying with his leg tangled between John’s and his head still on his chest. “We’ve done everything we can. And we’re gonna keep fighting. That’s all we can do.”

“I know.”

“Okay. Good.”

Kaidan did know, but that didn’t stop the anxiety from swirling in his gut. The Collector base was nothing compared to a legion of Reapers, and for that reason, he struggled to revel in the victory. He was inundated with images of Shepard stepping out of cover, stepping out of the biotic field, always, always charging away from Kaidan’s protection. Maddening, his heart and mind on haywire as he used every last ounce of his strength to contain a man as vast as the galaxy itself.

“You scared to die, K?”

A faint memory, years gone, lying in the dark on the SR-1 and wondering about the future.

_Are you afraid to die?_

“No,” Kaidan realized, his voice soft. “I’m scared that you will. And I’m scared that I can’t stop it.”

 

**END PART TWO**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That went...longer than I expected! 
> 
> Alright, next up is gonna be an intermission chapter, and then we will be on to the third and final installment of this story! Reminder that I can always be reached @ comefeedtherainn on tumblr and on discord! I promise I am very nice and type in caps a lot. This fic also has a playlist on Spotify, which I add to semi-frequently! You can find it at https://open.spotify.com/user/nemoshier/playlist/3P3kMvC4xfblMEVqo5cUf3?si=_yFowKy3RvioZUTObPa8hw
> 
> Thanks as always for being lovely y'all. I've been having a fantastic time with this fic and I can't BELIEVE we're finally getting into part three!! See ya next week <3


	37. Chapter 37

**INTERLUDE**

  
House arrest wasn’t so bad, Kaidan decided, his chin propped in his hand as he watched a briefs-clad Shepard making eggs at the stove. The faint trails of red on his shoulder blades, remnants of their energetic good morning, curved Kaidan’s lips in a crooked smile.

The days following Kaidan’s release from Huerta were mostly spent in bed. While he was technically “recovered,” he was fucking exhausted, both from the mission and the days of pain and drugs that followed. The pills Chakwas had him on definitely worked, which he was grateful for, but they couldn’t help his sluggish muscles or the fact that he still sometimes found it difficult to string words together. The doctors assured him that that would pass, but it was still extremely frustrating.

It was all made more bearable by John. Soldiers were posted outside of Kaidan’s apartment door, but Shepard just climbed back in via the fire escape and into the window on the rare occasion he felt the need to leave at all. Kaidan was positive that he wasn’t actually going undetected, as much as he bragged, rather that none of the local authorities (military or otherwise) thought it worthwhile to try and stop him.

Anderson had stopped by briefly a day into Kaidan’s arrest, and had explained that Kaidan’s clean record was definitely doing him favors. Not only that, but Kaidan had received messages from both Jack and Miranda, flooding his inbox with Cerberus files that he promptly turned over to the Alliance. If he kept cooperating as readily as he was, Anderson was confident that that, along with Ashley’s good word, was sure to get his name cleared quickly.

For now, though, he had eggs in bed with John.

He smiled as John handed him a plate full of breakfast, tilting his head back for a peck. “Thanks.”

“Sure.” John settled beside him, kicking the duvet further down the bed and setting his own plate on the mattress. He reached over to the open the window beside them, smiling as cool air and the soft white noise of the bustling Citadel greeted them.

“Feels odd,” Kaidan murmured. “Doesn’t it? All this…quiet. Hot food. Soft beds.”

John hummed quietly, nodding as he gazed out the window, chewing on a piece of toast. “Yeah. Kinda worried I’ll get used to it.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan laughed. “At least Anderson still has you advising and stuff. I’m starting to feel useless.”

Shepard leaned over, pecking his cheek affectionately. “You’re not. If you don’t rest and get better, then you’re out of commission even longer. Just think of it like that.”

“Still hate it,” Kaidan smirked.

They ate mostly in silence. When Kaidan was younger he hated eating, or really doing anything, without something going on in the background. If it was too quiet, that meant his mind was louder, and he had nothing to drown it out. These days, though, especially now, he cherished moments of silence. He felt so drained that his voice came in soft murmurs or whispers, anything more than that requiring energy that he was still replenishing. Shepard didn’t seem to mind, just pressing his shoulder to Kaidan’s as they ate and watching people passing by out the window as he allowed Kaidan his quiet.

After the meal Kaidan realized he needed a shower, having been mostly in bed and in the same clothes for a couple of days. He got to his feet, shuffling on heavy legs as he made his way to the bathroom and got undressed. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and, instead of quickly turning away, paused for a moment.

His Lazarus scars were completely cleared by now, and instead he was already covered with new ones, ones he’d earned in battle and made him feel proud, rather than repulsed. He’d forgotten what he looked like before he died, which parts were different, and for a while that had frightened him. Like now he wasn’t sure who he was supposed to be, like he was forgetting someone that had died.

But he hadn’t died, not really. Only for a little while. As horrible and invasive as Project Lazarus had been, it had given him a new start. Metaphorically and physically; every scar he bore now he’d earned in the months since he woke up. He didn’t have the old ones, the small one on his chin from when he’d smacked his chin on a coffee table as a kid. The long one on his thigh that had healed funny and gone bumpy and pink. The bunch of small ones around his implant site, from his fingernails when he’d tried to tear it out with his own hands when he was eighteen. He still had the memories, of course, but he didn’t have to wear the scars anymore.

* * *

 

The hearing was a full day process. As Anderson had said, though, Kaidan’s record did him a world of good.

The hardest thing to get through had been explaining why he hadn’t come straight to the Alliance after waking up. Which, if Kaidan looked at it from their perspective, did sound pretty bad. When he had tried to explain that Cerberus was taking action where the Alliance wouldn’t, that with the looming threat there had been no other option, it sounded even worse.

Anderson, though, had been on his side, as had Ashley. It was the first time he’d seen her since the Collector base; she’d not been around in the brief moments when he was awake in the hospital, although Shepard assured him she did come. And immediately after that had been house arrest. He watched her as she testified for him in her dress blues, her head held high, and felt a tug of affection on his heart.

The hearing was intense, but Anderson pointed out that if Kaidan hadn’t done what he did, the Collectors would still be at large, and the Alliance would still be sitting on it’s hands regarding the Reapers. Ashley also noted that at every turn, Kaidan had acted with honor. When given the chance to capture the Collector base rather than destroy it, he’d refused. And when the chance came, he’d immediately turned over all intel he had on Cerberus. There was no way he was still working with them.

It wasn’t quite so simple as that, the trial involving grueling hours of questioning and recounting the tiniest details. They tried asking a few probing questions about Shepard, but Kaidan kept his lips sealed on what he was not obligated to answer. Shepard had been assisting Anderson where he could, acting as an adviser and resident expert on the Reapers, but it was clear that was all he was doing. Assisting Anderson. He’d expressed no interest in being re-instated, not even privately to Kaidan. His Spectre duties seemed to be enough for him, and so Kaidan would keep the Alliance as uninvolved in John’s life as he could, if that was what he wanted.

The hearing ended with Kaidan being cleared of his charges, and he felt all of the tension in his shoulders release at once. The soldiers were removed from outside his door, and he could once again freely move about without being watched. Shepard didn’t have to climb in the window anymore, which Kaidan was sure disappointed him just a bit. He was on the mend, finally, his energy returning, but Chakwas had recommended he give it another week before getting back into his duties.

Ashley came to visit him that very evening, grinning and launching herself at him in a tight hug. He laughed, squeezing her and spinning her around playfully.

“Ugh, that sucked!” she cried, frowning at him. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. They really grilled you.”

“I would be worried if they didn’t,” Kaidan smiled. “No hard feelings. Cerberus is nothing to mess around with.”

“I guess so. I’m so glad to see you,” she sighed, hugging him again. “I was so fucking scared when you were in the hospital. It looked really bad.”

Kaidan grimaced. “I heard. I’m sorry I scared you.”

She pursed her lips at him, swatting his arm. “Don’t apologize for getting hurt, jackass. Alright, I’m gonna make dinner. You have groceries right?”

Kaidan blinked at her, watching as she let herself into all of his cupboards and drawers. “Yeah. Ash, you don’t have to-”

“I’m gonna anyway. Shut up and sit down, Alenko.”

Kaidan snorted, and did as she said.

* * *

“So? Are you gonna take it?”

Kaidan sighed heavily through his nose, resting his chin on his palm as he sat cross-legged on the bed. “I don’t know. It’s just…I mean, teaching? Never something I really thought about doing.”

“Maybe not, but you’d be great at it,” John insisted, standing slightly turned away from Kaidan as he squinted at the easel before him. Something he’d failed to mention while they aboard a military ship with scarce free time was his painting hobby; Kaidan had gotten him supplies as soon as he said something casually about it one day. John had insisted that Kaidan didn’t need to, and shouldn’t have, gone to all that trouble, but Kaidan could see the contentment in the looseness of his shoulders and the sparkle in his eyes. Worth it.

“I don’t know about great,” Kaidan argued, pulling a face. “I’ve never taught anyone in my life. And I feel like I’m still learning myself half the time.”

“Everyone alive is still learning,” Shepard pointed out, glancing at him briefly. “Even if you’re a master of something, you still have shit you can learn about it.”

Kaidan grunted quietly. “I guess that’s true. Grissom, though? That’s kinda far.”

“I’ll visit you,” Shepard promised, grinning. “And we can vidcom all the time. Plus, Jack will be there.”

Kaidan smiled, definitely comforted by that. He’d been more than a little surprised when Jack was offered (and accepted) a teaching position at Grissom Academy, something that he’d never really imagined her doing. Jack had admitted she was excited, though, having come to the Citadel to speak to Alliance officials and visit (mostly Ashley, but Kaidan was pleased she’d stopped by his for a night,too). He’d certainly not expected to be offered the same position alongside her, especially not on the heels of his hearing, but there it was.

If Kaidan was honest with himself, he wasn’t so terrified of teaching young biotics, as he was at being bad at it. He’d seen so many horrible teachers. He didn’t want to be a Vyrnnus for another young biotic kid. John had, of course, told him that was fucking stupid, because Vyrnnus was an asshole, which Kaidan knew intellectually. But still, Kaidan was afraid. Of himself, mostly, his own temper. That was what had fucked him over at BAaT, the reason why he worked hard to keep cool and collected in the face of stress, but how would he react in an environment like that? What if he hurt someone?

“K,” John said gently, sitting on the bed in front of him. “You’re grinding your teeth. What are you thinking about?”

“I’m…” Kaidan looked away from him. “Just. Wondering…if I’ll be able to - I don’t wanna accidentally hurt someone.”

“Why would that happen?”

“It’s happened before,” Kaidan said blankly.

He felt Shepard’s eyes on him, but he was quiet, piecing his words together as usual. “You can tell me to fuck off, if you wanna,” John began, his voice quiet, “but from where I’m standing, what happened at BAaT…K, you were a kid. You didn’t know your own strength back then, and you were angry. Not just angry, you were trying to protect someone. That wasn’t just simple frustration, that was survival instinct. That’s why that happened. Not because you’re some volatile guy. You weren’t aiming to kill.”

“That’s the point, though,” Kaidan huffed. “I wasn’t trying to kill him, but I did. That’s the point.”

“I know. I’m just saying that what happened wasn’t because you can’t handle being angry. I’ve seen you mad, and you’ve never even touched me, not even on accident. You were young, your implant was spiking too high for you to measure, and you were trying to protect Rahna. And that’s that.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, nodding a couple times as his eyes stung just a bit. “Just don’t wanna hurt any kids. I’m not scared of myself around adults, but…y’know?”

“Yeah,” Shepard sighed, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his head. “I know, babe.”

The decision rattled around in Kaidan’s brain for about a week before he decided he would take it. A day after sending over his acceptance he was packing up, Shepard helping him to make sure he had his medication stocked up, his uniform, enough notebooks and pens to stock him for months. When the day came that Kaidan was to head for Grissom, he found himself struggling to step out of the door. He’d spent weeks, now, living with Shepard. It made his heart ache, longing for a time when they weren’t constantly pulled apart by duty. One day, maybe.

For now, he kissed John goodbye, and made his way toward the docking bay.


	38. Chapter 38

**PART THREE**

“Y’know, I think those assholes left out the whole ‘grading shit’ part of this job on purpose.”

Kaidan snorted, lifting an eyebrow at Jack where she sat, sprawled all over the corner of his couch with a pen in between her teeth, a Grissom student’s exam in her hands. “Same.”

She gave him a commiserating look, rolling her eyes. “Don’t know why they make ‘em do this shit. Why don’t we just put them on an obstacle course and see if they get their asses kicked?”

“Because they’re kids,” Kaidan reminded her, snickering quietly.

“Doesn’t matter, they’re still supposed to be combat ready,” Jack retorted, tossing the paper aside for the moment and cracking each of her knuckles. “The Reapers aren’t gonna hand ‘em a list of twenty true or false questions to decide if they invade the galaxy or not.”

“Yeah, but it’s good to know how something works before you learn how to use it,” Kaidan reasoned, smiling a bit. “No one ever taught us anything except how to fight with them.”

Jack grunted, the closest he would ever get to an agreement from her, and sighed heavily as she stretched out more fully on the couch. “I’m so horny.”

Kaidan gave her a dry look. “Thanks for the information.”

She made a face at him, flashing him her middle finger. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, boyscout. Bet you and Shepard fuck missionary in candlelight and shit.”

Kaidan snorted, lifting his chin a bit. “So what if we do?”

She cackled loudly. “Shit, no wonder you’re so uptight! You guys never get a little crazy? Y’know, teeth, nails, maybe some chains…”

“Not really,” Kaidan laughed, flushing a little bit. “Why, do you? Wait, wait, don’t-”

“As a matter of fact-”

“Do not-”

“During Ash’s last visit we actually broke a lamp! I had her bent over and her foot-”

Kaidan grabbed a pillow and shoved it over his own ears, talking loudly to drown her out. “I’m not listening!” He scowled at her as she nearly fell off the couch in a fit of laughter.

The two of them had been at Grissom for nearly six months, now, teaching the biotic students at the school. Jack’s classes emphasized the physical and combat aspects of biotics, and while Kaidan taught that as well, he focused more on philosophy, mechanics, and endurance. The Ascension Project placed a heavy emphasis on those three, almost completely opposite from BAaT’s military-focused program. It was the only reason he’d even set foot inside the place. Even then, he’d been in an odd mood for his first few weeks.

He’d mentioned it - okay, complained about it - to Shepard on a few of their calls. They weren’t able to make many; they were both so busy, and connection was shoddy even on the best of days. But, they made it happen. Kaidan was happy he’d had John to talk to, because he wasn’t sure (no matter how close they got) that he wanted to rehash all of his trauma with Jack. She already gave him enough shit for holding back too much with the students, but he was just having a hard time adjusting to being a teacher.

Still wasn’t quite used to it, he mused, standing in front of a class of teenagers that evening. Some of them were falling asleep, exhausted from their long day of burning calories faster than ought to be humanly possible. Kaidan didn’t punish for snoozing in his classes, though; he just tossed them a snack bar and gave them a stern warning to sit up straighter. Didn’t help that his evening class was philosophical in nature.

He put his hands on his hips, scanning his lecture notes briefly before doing the same with the slightly dazed faces before him. “…alright. Anyone else feel like this is bullshit?”

They all stared at him silently, like they were afraid he was testing them. He had no idea what he’d done to become the “scary one,” where Jack was everyone’s favorite, but there it was.

“Forget this, for now,” he continued, pushing his notes off to the side. “Does anyone have an actual question? Or problem? Maybe we can talk about it, wake up a little. I saw you guys in the gym today, you worked your asses off.”

A few of the kids laughed quietly and smiled, though they still avoided his eyes to avoid speaking up. Slowly, a hand rose toward the back of the room; Rodriguez. Kaidan could admit he had a soft spot for her, as much as he lied and said he didn’t play favorites. She just…reminded him of someone.

“Rodriguez,” he acknowledged, nodding once. “What’s up?”

The girl couldn’t be older than sixteen or seventeen, and he’d noticed she was quiet most of the time and timid with her biotics. She hung close to Prangley, their top student. Maybe she hoped he’d rub off on her, but either way, Prangley seemed protective of her and let her cling.

“Um,” Rodriguez began, looking like she was regretting putting her hand up. “I was just wondering…I mean. Is how powerful we are right now as good as it’s gonna get? Like, can we…get better at it?”

Kaidan paused, not sure how the hell to start with that one, for a moment. Leave it to Rodriguez to keep quiet until she had a six layer question for him.

“Alright,” he said eventually, pushing away from the podium with his hip. Ow. That was still sore from when he’d fucked it up on the Collector base; he’d almost forgotten. “First things first; yeah, you can definitely hone your biotics. I wouldn’t say you get…better, so much as you just learn how to use them more effectively. That’s what we’re here to teach you, so you don’t fumble around just knocking shit over.

“I also wanna point out that - well, it’s not all about getting more powerful.”

“That makes no sense,” Prangley said, frowning a little. “Um, sir. I just…why wouldn’t we want to get more powerful? Most of us will be going into combat after graduation.”

“You’re right,” Kaidan conceded, nodding and scratching at his jaw; he hadn’t shaved in a couple days. Kept forgetting. “But biotics aren’t like a muscle,” he continued, fighting a slight smile as Miranda’s voice echoed the words in his head. “You don’t just push harder and expect results. What you have, what all of us have, is unique and still new to our race, and we don’t really fully understand it, yet. And with it comes a huge amount of responsibility. That’s what being a biotic is about: responsibility.

“And y’know, I only recently learned how to Reave? And I’m old as hell,” Kaidan told them, smirking as a few snickered. “So you’re never done learning, and you can always improve. But if all you’re going after is getting more powerful, you’re never gonna be satisfied, and it’ll make you miserable. Work hard, consistently, make yourself proud, but don’t forget what it’s actually all about.”

* * *

“Major Alenko?”

Kaidan sometimes forgot about the promotion. He was proud, if a little surprised, when he’d received it, but he’d been in the middle of getting his life going on Grissom. He hadn’t really given it time to sink in.

“What’s up, Rodriguez?” he replied, smiling at her. She’d hung behind when his class had wrapped up, the other students gone by now and leaving just the two of them in the classroom.

“I was just wondering…um, do you think I could have some tutoring? Like, not for this class, but endurance-wise? I was gonna ask Jack, but she spends so much time doing tutoring with Prangley, and I didn’t want-”

Kaidan reached out, clapping her shoulder firmly. “Definitely,” he assured her, smiling. “Tomorrow morning? 0800?”

Rodriguez’s eyes lit up, and she grinned widely. “Yes, sir! Thank you.”

The two of them met the next morning in the gym, early enough that most other students were in classes or sleeping in on their day off, so they had the place to themselves. Rodriguez looked nervous as hell, and Kaidan could see her fidgeting out of the corner of his eye as he set up some items for them along the floor.

He turned to face her, putting his hands on his hips. “You look nervous.”

Her hands immediately stopped twisting around themselves, and she stood at attention, her heels clacking loudly together. “No, sir.”

Kaidan snorted softly. “It’s alright. I’m here to help you, okay? You don’t have to pretend.”

Rodriguez’s shoulders relaxed a bit. “Sorry, sir. I just…I want to do a good job. But I just feel like…like no matter how hard I try, I’m always messing up.”

Well, Kaidan could certainly relate to that. “What is it you really wanna work on?” he probed, trying to get them both some specific goals other than ‘stop sucking so much.’ He knew from experience that that didn’t solve anything.

Rodriguez thought for a moment. “I want to be able to use my biotics for longer. I get tired really fast.”

“We can work on that, for sure,” Kaidan nodded. “You’ve had your check-up this month, right? No pain in your implant site, no dizzyness? Headaches?”

“No, sir,” she replied, shaking her head. “Nothing like that.”

“Okay, then. Let’s try a barrier, something easier,” he suggested. “Put one up, and show me how long you can hold it.”

The girl’s face twisted into a nervous grimace, but she did as he asked, widening her stance and holding up her hands. A biotic field manifested in front of her, a blue shield of energy. She frowned, concentrating, and manged to hold it up for about fifteen seconds before dropping it again with a gasp.

“Did that hurt?”

“No,” she assured him. “Just feels…like my ‘biotic tank’ runs out, or something. Like there’s nothing left.”

Kaidan smiled, clapping her back a couple times. “There’s some left. You’ve just gotta use it effectively. When you put it up, you can’t put everything you’ve got into it, or it’s gonna last two seconds. That’s how you get the endurance, you learn how to slowly use your power, so you don’t get exhausted. Kind of like running a marathon, y’know?”

She nodded slowly, her eyes lighting up a little bit. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

“Good,” he said encouragingly. “Alright, try it again. Remember, take it nice and easy.”

* * *

Kaidan was helping out with Jack’s class in the gym the next morning, when it happened.

He noticed the message from Kahlee Sanders on his omni-tool first, tapping Jack’s arm and pointing it out in a low voice.

“What the hell is that about? Call her for what?” she asked, matching his tone. No need to scare the students just yet; it might be nothing.

“Dunno. I’ll get a hold of her,” Kaidan suggested. “Ask her what’s up.”

Jack nodded, turning back to their group of students and shouting orders as they made their way through the obstacles on the course she’d created. Kaidan went a few paces away, calling Sanders on his omni-tool.

“Major,” she greeted him, though her voice sounded tense, wound tight. “Turn on the monitors in the gym. There’s…just do it.”

“Sanders, what’s going on?” Kaidan pressed, frowning deeply as her tone made worry clench his gut. “What’s happening?”

“It’s Earth, Kaidan. Please, just…the monitors.”

He stared at his omni-tool as it went dim, Kahlee’s call disconnected. He just stood there for a moment, then slowly approached the first monitor mounted on the wall of the gym, reaching to turn it on with a slow press of a button.

The image that winked on was of an earth city, one he didn’t recognize. Buildings were half destroyed, people running through the debris-covered streets. Fire was everywhere, catching and spreading. And the sky, clear and blue save for the black dotting of countless Reapers. They descended as if from heaven itself, landing in the streets and on top of skyscrapers, their spindly limbs catching onto anything within reach. They fired beams of energy, tearing apart the earth beneath them, people and vehicles and buildings crumbling into the chasm left behind.

“Oh - my god, what is that?”

“Is that Earth?!”

“What’s happening? What are those?”

Kaidan ignored the questions from the students, taking three long strides to the next monitor, and then the next, all of them until each screen showed the destruction of a different city. The final one of these he recognized, his heart seeming to fall from his chest and straight into his stomach. He put a hand to his mouth, his eyes stinging as his jaw hung in disbelief.

“Kaidan,” Jack snapped, shaking him with a tight grip on his shoulder. “I said where is that?”

“It’s…” Kaidan swallowed, trying to steady his voice. “It’s Vancouver.”

Vancouver, where he’d grown up, where his parents still lived. Where Shepard and Ashley were.

“Fuck!” Jack hissed, stalking away from him and pulling up her omni-tool. He watched her pace, seeing Ashley’s name on her screen, but there was no answer. “ _Fuck_!”

“Jack,” he interjected, reaching out to take a hold of her arm. She yanked it away, and he retracted the hand quickly. “Just…the students, Jack. We have to stay calm.”

Sure enough, the kids were either staring at them or staring at the screens. Evacuation warnings ran underneath all of the vids, advising all military personnel to abandon Earth. A few kids were in tears, hands over their mouths and eyes wide with fear. Kaidan felt sick, and angry, and wanted to hide them all away.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Kahlee marching into the gym, her jaw set tightly and her eyes fierce. All of the students looked to her, shouting out questions all at once.

“Lieutenant Sanders, what’s going on?”

“What are those things?”

“What happened?”

Sanders held up her hand, silencing them all. She took a deep breath through her nose, so deep it expanded her chest, and let it out before speaking. “Earth has been invaded by the Reapers,” she informed them, her voice much steadier than Kaidan felt. He held his chin up anyway, trying to fake it. “The planet is being evacuated as we speak. Communications with Alliance officials is limited, but we are trying. I…will give you all more news when I hear it.

“In the meantime, we have been given the order to evacuate, as well,” she continued. “You are all to pack your things and be ready within the hour. Shuttles will be arriving to take you somewhere safe.”

“Leave?” Prangley asked, straightening up a bit. “We can’t leave. The Alliance needs us.”

“You are not soldiers,” Sanders told him firmly. “Not yet. Your training isn’t finished, and it isn’t safe.”

“But we can still help!” insisted Reiley, one of the older students, around Prangley’s age. His twin sister, Seanne, nodded firmly beside him. “They’ll need implants made, and we can keep training for combat.”

Prangley nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. “He’s right. If the Reapers are really here, the Alliance is gonna need all the help it can get. And that includes us. It’s our responsibility.”

Kaidan’s heart both sank and lifted at that. _Sure, now they listen._

Sanders looked at each of their faces, slowly scanning as her jaw clenched and unclenched. Eventually, she nodded once. “You have one hour. Those of you who want to escape the academy, meet at the docking bay by the end of that hour. Those who…wish to volunteer to stay, meet back here. We will decide how to move forward from there.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The kids all filed out, followed by Sanders, everyone silent and nervous. Kaidan looked back up at the monitor showcasing Vancouver’s destruction, then looked back at Jack.

Stay, or go?

Jack met his gaze, her lips pursed tightly. “The kids need us,” she murmured eventually. “We…we gotta stay here.”

Even if he hated it, Kaidan knew she was right. The thought of leaving behind their students was unbearable, not if he didn’t know they would be okay. They needed them, they needed him. He nodded, taking a deep breath.

“Yeah. We gotta stay.”

When Jack went to clean up the obstacle course, making room for whatever was to come next, Kaidan pulled up his omni-tool. He found John’s name, the first on his recent contacts, and pressed connect. A moment went by, then another, then more, and then the screen flickered. The words “NO SIGNAL” emblazoned in the center.


	39. Chapter 39

Twenty students stayed behind. The rest were escorted off of Grissom via Alliance shuttles, packed to the brim with barely enough room for everyone. Kaidan had a sick feeling as he watched them take off, one by one - there was nowhere they could hide, really. Not anymore.

The days following the Reaper invasion were radio silent on the academy. No signal going in or out, as much as Kahlee tried to fiddle with the system to get it to work, meant that there was no news about Earth or the rest of the Milky Way. Reapers hadn’t found them yet, but the fact that they could any day, and they’d have no way of knowing until one was fucking on top of them, was keeping Kaidan up at night.

He rubbed his sand paper eyes now as, two weeks into the invasion, he worked with Rodriguez in the gym.

They’d been doing their one-on-one time for a little over a month, and she was already making great improvements. He’d been considering having Jack take over for him, only because Rodriguez’s biggest problem was crumbling under pressure. He might have mysteriously earned the reputation of being the scary one, but he still didn’t have Jack’s style. The yelling, mostly. He just wasn’t a yelling type of guy.

“Alright,” he said, straightening up and nodding as Rodriguez dropped her shield and wiped sweat from her forehead. “That was your best time yet. Nice work.”

Her eyes lit up a bit, like they always did when she was praised, but they dimmed just as quickly. “Thank you, sir,” she said with a small smile.

Kaidan watched her for a moment, quirking an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?” he prodded when she seemed content to just stand there quietly.

He wasn’t expecting the shaky sigh, or the slightly disbelieving look in her eyes. “Everything,” she scoffed. “What do you mean?”

“…right.” He grimaced, rubbing his face for a moment. “I just meant…do you need to talk about it?”

Rodriguez chewed the inside of her lip, deflating a bit and looking at the ground. “I haven’t heard from my parents,” she murmured.

“No signal,” he reminded her. “Doesn’t mean anything, not yet.”

She nodded, and when he ignored her uniform and slicked back bun of hair, the circles under her eyes and the toned muscle, she looked her sixteen years of age. His heart sat heavy in his throat.

“It’s gonna be…” He paused. He didn’t like to make promises he couldn’t keep. “You’ll get through this,” he said instead, firmly, and laid a hand on her shoulder. “You’re strong. No matter what, you’re gonna make it.”

One tear began to roll down her cheek but she wiped it away, sniffing once before straightening her back and giving him a sharp salute. “Yes sir,” she replied.

* * *

 

Kaidan was jolted from sleep by the sound of gunfire and explosions in the hallway.

He rolled out of bed and into his boots before he was fully conscious, still in his uniform, and bolted out of his bedroom. Fire and noise greeted him, shouts and screams coming from all directions. He looked around frantically, his gaze landing on one of the announcement monitors mounted overhead, a familiar symbol on it’s screen.

Cerberus.

He swore harshly, looking behind him once as another burst of noise and shrieks sounded from somewhere far away, before beginning to run down the dormitory hall. He pounded doors so hard they rattled in their hinges, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Get up! Get up! Let’s go!”

Doors swung open behind him as he ran, a flock of students pelting after him. He glanced over his shoulder, both relieved he was able to find some but panicked at how small the number was. He pressed his fingers to his comm, dialing Jack’s channel with shaky fingers.

“I have students with me in Orion Hall!” Jack shouted down the line as soon as she picked up. “Haven’t seen anyone else. What’s your situation?”

“I’ve got six with me!” Kaidan replied, speaking loudly over the noise and the students shouting questions at him. “We’re on our way there, hold tight!”

“Yeah, sure! Havin’ a fuckin’ party over here!”

Kaidan disconnected, shouting back at the kids trailing him. “Orion Hall! Hurry and stick close!”

He led them all down the most remote halls he could think of, trying to avoid coming into contact with any Cerberus soldiers unless they had to. The noise was dying down a little (probably Cerberus switching tactics since the original plan had only made the students run away), so he slowed down, holding up a hand for the students to do the same.

As they crept down the next hall he brought them to a halt, voices in the next room. He frowned, closing his eyes so he could hear them better.

“We’re supposed to be bringing them in alive.”

“It’s fine. He’s on the low priority list.”

Kaidan frowned, mouthing the phrase silently - low priority?

“Keep looking.”

Kaidan frowned deeply, listening for the boot steps to fade before advancing, waving for the kids to follow him. He spotted a pair of legs sticking out from behind a desk, splatters of blood on the ground, but ushered the kids on before they could notice.

“What do they mean by priority? Why are they taking us?” one of them asked, her eyes wide as Kaidan nudged the center of her back to keep her moving.

“Don’t know,” he murmured. “Keep quiet, we’re almost there.”

As they drew closer to Orion Hall, the noise increased again, and they came upon Jack and the students she’d gathered being attacked by a Cerberus squad. Kaidan grit his teeth, straightening up.

“You guys stay here,” he said quietly, giving them all a serious look. “I’ll be right back.”

“But we can-”

“That wasn’t a suggestion,” he said more sharply. “Stay. Here.”

No one piped up after that, so he advanced into Orion Hall alone, lighting up his hands, then his arms and shoulders, then the rest of his body, with blue. He barely registered the tingling of his skin as he threw a tight ball of energy at the nearest soldier, barreling him over as well as his buddy. He tucked and rolled behind a pillar before bullets could find him, grimacing at his lack of proper armor and weapon. He could almost feel John smirking in the back of his mind about his shitty hand-to-hand.

While he had them distracted, another attack came from above, a large wave of biotic force that sent the other soldiers off their feet and cracking their heads on the cement wall behind them. When they didn’t stir again, Kaidan came out from cover, letting out a breath.

“Up here, boyscout!”

Kaidan craned his head back, seeing Jack waving to him on the balcony above, a flock of students surrounding her. “We’ll be right up!” he called back, before jogging out to the dark corner where he’d told his group to wait for him. “Coast is clear, let’s go,” he murmured, ushering them in with a couple nudges between shoulder blades. He followed the group of them into Orion Hall and up the stairs, where Jack and a group of five students were waiting.

“You made it,” Jack nodded, reaching to ruffle his hair briefly. A couple students snickered.

“Just barely,” Kaidan sighed, frowning deeply as they walked a few paces away and lowered their voices. “Have you heard from Sanders?”

“Nothing.”

Kaidan passed a hand over his mouth, watching as Jack’s kids handed out energy bars and water from the emergency kits to the newcomers. “I heard one of them saying something, on my way here. Something about someone being low priority?”

Jack’s jaw twitched a bit. “Yeah. They’re taking the students based on their biotic ability. They got into our records. …Prangley’s their biggest target. Don’t tell him.”

Anger coiled in Kaidan’s gut. “They won’t have him.”

“They sure as fuck won’t.”

Kaidan let out a long breath through his nose, watching Prangley as he spoke quietly to Rodriguez, who was nodding along to whatever he was saying as he squeezed her shoulders.

“So what’s the plan?” he asked eventually, voice still quiet. Orion Hall was the emergency rendezvous point for a reason - it had high ground, emergency supplies, and all exits were visible from the balcony. Still, it would be easy to get backed into a corner.

Jack let out a heavy sigh through her nose. “Well. They gotta run out of guys eventually.”

He gave her a dry look. “Seriously?”

“You got a better idea?” she scoffed. “The place is crawling right now. We at least have to draw them here so we can pick off enough to make an escape. And that’s only if they haven’t fucked the shuttles, which, if I were them, would be the first thing I did.”

Kaidan stared at her for a second, then grunted irritably. She was right, of course, damn it all. “The kids are gonna have to defend themselves.”

“Yep,” Jack agreed, popping the ‘p’. “We’ll just keep the protein bars coming until we can’t anymore, and…well, either we’re making a break for it by then, or we die.”

“Great.”

“ _Students of Grissom Academy_.”

The both of them stopped mid-sentence, looking up at the ceiling as an unfamiliar voice echoed over the intercom. The students all jumped as well, eyes round as they looked for the source.

“ _We know you’re afraid_ ,” the voice continued. “ _Your minds have been poisoned by Alliance propaganda. But Cerberus is here to help you. There is a great threat to our species at hand, and you - the galaxy’s brightest and most powerful - can be a part of it’s eradication_.”

“It’s bullshit, guys,” Jack called over the noise, scowling up at the ceiling.

“ _Ensign Rodriguez_.” Kaidan’s heart clenched. “ _If you’re out there - we know your parents are on Earth. Come with us. We’re the only hope you have of retaking Earth, and saving your parents_.”

“Don’t listen,” Kaidan told her sharply, stepping into her line of vision and holding both of her shoulders in a tight grip. “They’re just trying to get into your head.”

She nodded quickly, her eyes shiny but no tears falling. “Yes, sir.”  
  
The intercom went silent, and they were graced with a few moments of calm before the door to the hall was blasted open, Cerberus soldiers filing in and spreading out like cockroaches. Kaidan grit his teeth and put his hands on the two backs nearest him, shoving the students down to the ground as bullets pinged the wall behind them.

“Shit,” Jack snarled, before throwing up her hands, a solid biotic barrier forming in front of the balcony. It stopped the bullets in their tracks, sending them to the floor with faint tinkling sounds.

“Alright!” Kaidan shouted over the noise. “Let’s help her out! On the offensive!”

“Yes, sir!”

Kaidan and the rest of the students got to their feet, keeping to cover behind the lip of the balcony as they began to throw everything they had at the soldiers below. It was a bigger force than before, leading Kaidan to believe that they were converging at Orion Hall. Had they swept the rest of the academy? Were the students with them the only ones that made it?

He shoved the thoughts aside as Jack’s barrier dropped from exertion and she took cover for a moment to catch her breath. He put one up to replace it, shout orders to the students around him. Adrenaline-heightened pride pounded his heart as he watched them tearing apart mechs, tossing soldiers, overloading weapons. He whooped so loud his voice broke when Rodriguez burst the glass dome of a hulking mech, exposing it’s technician to be tossed out of his seat and across the chamber.

Suddenly, they were met with the sound of additional gunfire - a squad, by the sound of it - and Kaidan swore harshly as he dropped his barrier and motioned for all of the students to take cover. “Catch your breath!”

“Wait,” said Jack, frowning and peeking over the edge. “Those are ours.”

“More students?”

“No, I mean - _ours_!”

Kaidan stretched just far enough to see over the edge, and blinked hard as he saw Ashley and John, coming in hot to Orion Hall with blood splattered on their armor. They used the element of surprise to mow down as many Cerberus soldiers as they could before they were noticed, at which point they ducked into cover.

“Friendlies!” Kaidan told the students, trying to fight the grin. “They’ll help us! Let’s do this, come on!”

Renewed with energy at the prospect of some assistance, the students got to their feet once more, attacking with more fervor than before. Within minutes, thanks to the extra help, they had the large squad down, and the hall was quiet once more. As soon as the bullets stopped flying, Shepard and Ash crawled out from cover and jogged up the stairs to meet them.

As soon as Ash locked eyes with Jack she broke into a sprint, ignoring the fact that there were teenagers watching as she leapt on like a koala and kissed her hard. Jack laughed, smooching both her cheeks and leaving bright red lip prints. Some students looked away politely, while others gasped and whispered excitedly amongst themselves. Although, that was nothing compared to when John approached, removing his helmet and shaking out his ruffled up hair.

Kaidan felt something in his chest release at the sight of him, smiling widely as they both briskly walked to close the distance between them. He threw his arms around John’s neck and kissed him warmly, still beaming against his lips. They were much more tame than Jack and Ash, he would like to think, but the whispers were even louder. Some weren’t even whispers at all.

“That’s Commander Shepard!”

“He’s not a Commander anymore, idiot.”

“I didn’t know Major Alenko was dating Shepard!”

Kaidan turned to give them all an unimpressed look, glad to see some of them at least had the decency to look sheepish. “Eat your protein bars,” he said warningly, and nodded in approval when they swiftly complied.

John laughed quietly, his hands still resting on Kaidan’s hips. “Damn. Teacher Kaidan is scary.”

“I am not, why does everyone say that?” Kaidan huffed, shaking his head. “Never mind. What are you doing here? How did you know?”

“Normandy got word of a distress call, from Kahlee Sanders,” John explained, finally letting him go but still standing close.

“When we saw the footage of Vancouver, I…” Kaidan trailed off hauntedly, swallowing down the dread. “I didn’t know if you made it. I tried to call, but-”

“We evacced within an hour of the invasion,” Shepard told him. The pair of them leaned forward against the balcony, their forearms resting on the edge. “Hackett’s orders.”

“You reinstated?”

“Nah,” Shepard scoffed. “Just…I dunno. Old habits. No point questioning the guys who’ve been doing this shit longer than I have. Hackett’s kinda scary. All of the above.”

Kaidan snorted, nodding with a slight smirk. “Yeah, definitely don’t wanna get on his bad side.” He paused, slowing resting his head on Shepard’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

Shepard kissed his forehead firmly, pulling him a bit closer. “You too.” He shook his head, quiet for a while with his lips pressed into a grim line. “Bastards.”

“I know. It’s like…I knew this was coming. Now that it has…feels like a dream. Like I’m gonna wake up.”

“Yeah.” Shepard frowned, pressing his fingertips to his comm. “Hang on a second,” he murmured, before continuing. “Go ahead, Cortez. …fuck. How long do we have?” He clenched his jaw, looking around at the students briefly. “Get outta here and back to the Normandy, then. We’ll find another way off.”

“Cortez?” Kaidan asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Finally hired a decent shuttle pilot,” Shepard smirked, before speaking into his comm again. “Shepard to Sanders. Students are safe, but shuttle’s a no-go.” After a pause he looked to Kaidan. “Sanders says the fastest alternate route is through the Atrium, but we need to override the magnetic locks; Cerberus sealed them.”

Kaidan nodded, pushing himself to stand straight once more. “Overrides are on that console, just give me a minute.” He jogged over, making swift work of the locks after a bit of finagling. He still wasn’t sure how the hell Cerberus had gotten access to all their systems without anyone knowing. The doors on the first floor directly below them opened with an audible hiss.

“Done.”

“Kickass. Alright, we should move. The longer we sit here, the longer they have to regroup.”

“You heard the man,” Jack called, her voice raised to get the students’ attention. “Let’s move out and get the hell off this station.”

The group of them took off at a jog, the students in the center while Kaidan and the other three surrounded them on all sides.

“When we get to the Atrium, someone needs to take the high ground with the students so they can avoid fire,” Shepard suggested.

“I’ll go,” Jack volunteered. “We’ll hit those assholes from above.”

“Sounds good.”

The Atrium was crawling with soldiers when they arrived, and Jack and the students broke left at a run as bullets began flying before they could blink. Luckily, though, there was a lot of cover, and Ashley posted up with a sniper and began picking off hostiles in the distance while Shepard and Kaidan took on the more up close and personal threats. Kaidan was really trying not to get shot, still weaponless and in no armor, but it came as no surprise when a bullet buried itself in his shoulder.

“Fuck!” he hissed in pain, though he didn’t let it slow him down.

“How bad?” Shepard called, eyes still on the enemies before him.

“Not bad,” Kaidan said through gritted teeth. “On my feet.”

“Good.”

With no further injury, they made it through the Atrium, breaking into a run as the remaining Cerberus soldiers fired at their backs. Kaidan led the way to the shuttle bay, ignoring how his wound was bleeding down his arm and between his fingers, where they met up with Jack and the students. Kahlee Sanders was waiting there with a Cerberus shuttle, impressing Kaidan immensely, and they all leapt inside and slammed the door closed, bullets pinging off of it audibly. They took off, sending the group of them lurching and nearly knocking them to the ground, and then - they were safe, and in open space.

Kaidan sank into a seat, grimacing as his wound throbbed. All in all, though, could’ve gone a lot worse. He looked around at the students, checking for serious injuries and finding none. He let out a sigh of relief.

Kahlee turned toward them, her face the picture of exhaustion. “Thank you,” she said, shaking both Shepard and Ashley’s hands. “We would never have made it off that station without you.”

“Screw that,” Jack snorted, though she looked pretty relieved too, still catching her breath. “We kicked some ass. Alright, next place we dock, you’re all getting inked. My treat,” she declared, grinning around at the students, who grinned right back. “What d’you guys want? Ascension Project logo? Glowing fist? Maybe a unicorn, for Rodriguez?”

Rodriguez snickered, though it was a little shaky. Adrenaline, Kaidan supposed. “Screw you, ma’am.”

“Where are you planning to go?” Shepard asked Kahlee. “We have room on the Normandy. We can transport you.”

“Thank you,” Sanders smiled, nodding once. “I’ll…have to think on that, actually. I was going to suggest they stick to support roles, but…”

Kaidan grimaced, glancing at Jack as he heard the implication in her words. “We can talk about that,” he suggested. “On the Normandy.”

She nodded, glancing at the students and seeming to think the same as he was - not really a conversation to be having if you didn’t want a screaming match with a bunch of biotic teenagers.

Shepard sat beside him, pulling out a small role of simple ace bandages and beginning to carefully wrap Kaidan’s arm. “Just for the bleeding,” he murmured. “You’re like a faucet over here.”

Kaidan laughed weakly, suddenly feeling like he wanted to sleep for a weak. “Thanks, babe.”

The corner of Shepard’s mouth twitched at the pet name, but he held it together otherwise. “Anytime, Major.”

Somehow, he managed to make _that_ sound like a pet name, too.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extra chapterrrr! i'm doing nano this year, so chapters may come out more frequently this month as i finish them faster <3 there will always be one on wednesday, though!

After being seized by the Alliance, the Normandy had undergone some serious upgrades. Kaidan hadn’t gotten to see it, really, as he was grounded for the first half of construction and on Grissom for the second. He’d heard the vessel was going to be handed over to Anderson, as his mobile command center, but the Reaper invasion had changed everything. Now Anderson was on Earth, stayed behind to help with the resistance on the ground, and Shepard (a man who was, in fact, no longer an officer in any shape or form) had been handed command of the vessel. He’d never tell John, but that, more than anything, was indicative of how desperate and unprepared the Alliance truly was.

He stood in the Normandy’s brand spanking new war room, across from Jack and Kahlee Sanders at the round table in it’s center. Kaidan couldn’t help his attention being drawn by the flashing lights and soft bleeps of all the monitors inside of the room, rubbing his newly bandaged shoulder distractedly. There were personnel manning each of the stations and monitoring the war effort. Scrambling, more like, but monitoring all the same.

“The front lines are going to need all the help they can get,” Kahlee was saying, her arms crossed over her chest. “The students were trained for artillery. And they showed us how much they’ve improved on that station. Maybe they’re ready.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, rubbing his face. “Just because they can fight on the front lines, doesn’t mean that they should,” he argued. “They still have a long way to go before I’d be comfortable with that. We can use them in support roles, like we planned. We’re desperate, but I don’t wanna be desperate enough to throw kids at the Reapers as bait.”

“You know that isn’t what I meant,” she told him sternly, but her expression softened after. “You’re probably right, though. The initial attack depleted our numbers, we’ll need the support.”

“Agreed,” Jack nodded. “They’re no good to anyone if they get killed.”

Sanders nodded, uncrossing her arms and raking her fingers through her hair. “Alright. Once we get to the Citadel I’ll get them assigned. Hopefully we can get in touch with David when we get there.”

Kaidan very briefly glanced at Jack, deciding not to mention the casual slip of Anderson’s first name.

“Get some rest, Sanders,” he said instead, smiling and squeezing her shoulder. “We could all use it.”

She snorted softly, but didn’t argue. “You, too. Good work out there, both of you.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

As soon as Sanders had wandered off, Jack pushed off of the wall. “Alright. I gotta go get laid.”

“Honestly, same,” Kaidan agreed dryly, smirking when Jack snickered and shoved him hard enough to send him stumbling.

She sobered up a little bit, though she appeared to trying to force the casual smile to stay on her face. “…glad you were there, boyscout.”

Kaidan nudged her gently with his shoulder, smiling crookedly. “You, too, Jack. We’ll make the bastards regret it.”

“Damn right.”

He grinned at her. “Want a hug?”

Jack grimaced and held up a threatening fist. “You try it and I’m giving you a charlie horse, asshole.”

Kaidan laughed his way out of the war room and toward the elevator.

It was strange, being on the ship he’d spent probably some of the worst days of his life on, but now surrounded by Alliance colors rather than Cerberus. Made everything look different, somehow, like he was seeing it through new eyes. He wasn’t sure how to feel when he realized he felt a little nostalgic for his days with Cerberus, hearing Mordin singing to himself in the lab, chatting with Jacob, training with Miranda.

He hadn’t heard from most of the crew after the Collector base, though he had gotten flowers or cards from everyone while he was in the hospital. He hoped they were all alright.

The elevator opened up to the cabin, a familiar sight and one that actually brought him an overwhelming sense of safety. The cabin had been his escape from everything, especially when Shepard had come back into his life. He stepped through the door to find the man himself, dressed in sweats and looking into the fish tank with his forehead pressed to the glass. Kaidan could see his lips moving, though he couldn’t hear his voice, and he grinned.

“Are you talking to the fish, John?”

John looked up, laughing at being caught, and shrugged. “I think they understand me.”

“Mhm.” Kaidan came to stand beside him, wrapping an arm around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Shepard murmured, kissing his forehead.

Kaidan tilted his head back to catch his lips, the kiss soft and slow. He pulled away after a few moments, opening his eyes to slits, before John made a soft noise in his throat and dipped down to capture him again. Kaidan smiled into it, holding onto John’s hips and pressing him up against the glass, sliding his fingertips into the stretchy waistband of his pants.

They were feverish within minutes, biting and gasping and pulling at clothes and hair. They’d been apart far longer than anticipated, and they’d lived to fight another day, and they were back home, Kaidan realized. This was home, now. This cabin on a warship in the middle of the apocalypse.

“C’mere,” Kaidan breathed, grinning as he took Shepard’s hands and walked them backward toward the bed. They tumbled onto it together, snickering, and the sheets were cool and familiar, the mattress the kind of stiff that had ruined Kaidan for anything softer.

Shepard straddled his waist, standing up on his knees and pulling his shirt over his head. Kaidan hummed appreciatively, sitting up and cradling Shepard in his lap, arms wrapped around his thighs, as he kissed all over his chest and throat. John smiled, tilting his head back and sliding a fist into Kaidan’s hair, rolling his hips slowly against his stomach.

Kaidan lost his patience and flipped them both, pinning Shepard to the mattress and kissing his mouth instead as he blindly worked to remove their clothes. They both laughed as they struggled, nearly toppling off the bed once or twice, before they were bare. Kaidan wrapped a hand around Shepard’s cock, already hot and throbbing in his palm, and stroked him swiftly, pressing a trail down his neck and shoulder with his lips.

“I love you.”

“Sap,” John grinned, though it cut off with a strangled gasp as Kaidan’s thumb rubbed over the head of his dick. “Fuck.”

Kaidan hummed, biting his shoulder gently before sucking a small hickey into the skin. “You’ve been lifting more.”

John looked very pleased with himself, flexing with a smirk. “Maybe.”

“Stop,” Kaidan snorted, though he became distracted again as John’s hips began to twitch. “Good?”

“Mmmm,” John sighed, his eyelids fluttering. “Missed you so much. Thought about you all the time.”

“Yeah?” Kaidan murmured, smiling and nipping the tip of his chin as he stroked him a bit faster.

John whined, arching a bit and twisting. “K, you gotta stop,” he begged. “Don’t wanna come yet.”

Kaidan stilled immediately, but a mischievous grin spread across his lips. “Don’t wanna come yet?” he echoed playfully, kissing one of John’s impressive cheek bones. “What are you waiting for, then?”

John grunted, surging upward to catch his lips fiercely, biting and sucking briefly. “Want you inside me when I come,” he whispered, holding Kaidan’s eyes.

That was enough for Kaidan to lose some of his cool, and he swallowed as his heart went absolutely haywire. He scrambled over Shepard’s head, nearly elbowing him in the nose on his way, and dug around in the nightstand for lube. Shepard snickered quietly as he waited.

Finally, Kaidan located the bottle and a condom and snatched them both up, returning to Shepard as quickly as he could manage without injuring anyone. He resumed stroking him for a minute or so, trying to work him up again, and thrust lightly against his thigh. Shepard’s fingers found his cock and teased gently, sending a shudder down his spine.

He pulled away before he could get too distracted, slicking up a finger. He pushed Shepard’s knees back, spreading him open and admiring the view as he kissed his thighs, hair tickling his nose. He pressed the finger inside of him gently, always afraid of hurting him no matter how impatient they were, and shuffled closer. He kissed John’s ear and cheek and underneath his jaw as he fingered him, distracting him until he was loose enough to relax and sigh happily. Then Kaidan picked up the pace, pressing his nose and mouth into Shepard’s neck and closing his eyes as he concentrated, smiling when he found the spot that made Shepard’s arms fling around him and hold tightly.

Shepard wasn’t loud, not like Kaidan, but the sweet sighs and moans and bitten lips were enough to make Kaidan feel like he was high. He’d kissed John so hard and so often his lips were a bit sore, but that didn’t stop him, his breath coming heavier through his nose.

“Tell me you’re ready,” he begged shakily.

“M’ready, come on,” Shepard nodded frantically, pulling on his hips. “Come on.”

Kaidan sat back, tearing open the condom and rolling it on swiftly taking a hold of Shepard’s legs. He held them up and open, watching Shepard’s face as he pressed into him slowly. John’s eyes were closed, his thick lashes resting on the tops of his cheeks and his full lips parted as he let out breathy groans. Kaidan reached to brush his fingers across them, and hummed in approval when Shepard took the tips of two and sucked gently.

Once they’d both had a moment to adjust, he began to thrust, picking up speed quickly as the impatience returned. Shepard was tight and hot and he could barely stand it, overwhelmed and pressing his forehead to his shoulder. Soon he wanted Shepard closer, so he sat back, pulling Shepard into his lap and wrapping his arms around his waist. John’s arms wound around his head loosely and settled at the base of his neck as he began to roll his hips, closing his eyes as he rode Kaidan fast and deep and hardly pausing for breath. His muscles shifted underneath his skin, and Kaidan licked them eagerly without a thought.

When they came, it was noisy and messy and together, shaking as they held each other tight. Shepard curled in on himself, hugging Kaidan close to his chest and kind of smothering him, but only in the good way. Kaidan held onto Shepard’s hips, moving them at a slower pace and smiling when John moaned in appreciation, the shockwaves of pleasure drawn out. Finally John stilled, sitting up on shaking legs before falling backward onto the mattress. Kaidan flopped beside him on his stomach, letting out a long sigh into the pillows.

He smiled when he felt John roll over, draping himself over Kaidan’s back and kissing his ear and cheek with a sweet softness.

“Love you,” he murmured, and Kaidan smiled wider.

“Love you more.”

* * *

Kaidan woke from his short doze to Shepard already up, pants back on and one hand holding a data pad, the other in Kaidan’s hair. He took a deep breath, rolling onto his back and smiling up at John when he looked over. “Hey.”

“Hey,” John replied softly, bending over to peck his forehead. “Sleep good?”

“Mhm. Did you?”

“Bit. Had to read this report Garrus sent me.”

“Garrus is here?”

Shepard nodded, setting the data pad aside for now. “We picked him up before we got the call from Grissom. We’ve also got Liara, and Chakwas, who you saw. New people, too.”

Kaidan pushed himself up to sit, unable to help yawning widely. He really hadn’t been getting much sleep. “How are they? I haven’t heard from anyone in forever.”

John grimaced. “They’re alright. Garrus is…going through the same thing we are. Palaven was fucked up.”

“Shit,” Kaidan sighed, shaking his head. “Liara?”

“Thessia’s fine, we found her on Mars. She’s been looking into some kind of weapon the Protheans were creating to kill the Reapers.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose. “Kill them? As in all of them?”

“Apparently,” John shrugged. “It’s called the Crucible, apparently, which is appropriately dramatic for the Protheans.”

“So, what, we have to find it?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he rubbed his forehead. Apparently, this was something he was stressed about. Kaidan scooted a little closer.

“No. The protheans never fucking built it,” he huffed. “We found the blueprints on Mars, and Hackett has people building it. But who knows how long that will take? And we don’t have time - the Reapers are already here.”

Kaidan took his hand, squeezing gently. “We can do it.”

“That’s not the worst part,” Shepard told him dryly, though he squeezed Kaidan’s hand back gratefully. “He’s got me playing politician.”

Kaidan’s neck jerked back a bit in surprise. “Pol-I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose. “The council won’t help Earth, even though we were hit hardest, until their home planets are stable. So we went to get support from the turian primarch, but he won’t help unless the krogans help them secure Palaven. And the krogans fucking hate everyone, so I’m not sure how the hell _that’s_ supposed to work. So I’m holding a war summit, like I know how the fuck that works, and trying to convince the krogans to forget that the turians and salarians basically fucking genetically castrated them, and get them to help secure their homeworlds, and also ours. All while the Reapers take a giant shit on the entire galaxy.”

Kaidan stared at him, his lips parted and eyes wide.

“So yeah,” Shepard drawled. “That’s how I’m doing.”

“That’s too much to put on you alone,” Kaidan murmured, frowning deeply. “That’s insane. They’re asking you to undo centuries worth of war and prejudice.”

Shepard laughed, loud and harsh, and dropped his face into his hands. “Yep.”

“Come here,” Kaidan sighed, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer. Shepard slumped against him, clearly exhausted. “We can do this. We’ll do it together, just like we’ve done before. I’m right here for you, John.”

John’s arm wrapped around his waist, holding tightly to him as he hid his face in Kaidan’s chest. “Thank you,” he murmured, muffled against his skin.

Kaidan kissed the top of his head, squeezing him. After a minute or two John sat up again, looking a little calmer.

“So what’s the plan?”

“We’ve got the primarch and the salarian dalatrass aboard. Wrex is here, too,” Shepard told him, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “I need to get ready for the summit, actually. Supposed to be soon.”

“I’m gonna look like shit,” Kaidan snorted. “All I’ve got is the clothes on my back. Plus I have to shave.”

“Don’t shave. And, you don’t have to go,” Shepard told him, waving him off. “It’s just gonna be a bunch of arguing and me and Wrex telling the dalatrass to fuck off.”

Kaidan snorted, shaking his head. “You sure?”

“Positive,” Shepard assured him, kissing his cheek. “I’ll just let you know what happens. Give you all the hot gossip.”

Kaidan snickered, nudging Shepard’s ass with his foot when he got up. “Good.”

He watched idly as John dressed in his blues, looking like he was headed to the gallows, and dragged himself out of bed to say goodbye. He smiled, kissing him sweetly, and neatened up his hair.

“Try not to kill anyone, handsome. Good luck.”

Shepard smiled, pleased by the compliment. “See you after.”

Once he’d gone, Kaidan decided he could really use a shower. He stepped inside of the familiar bathroom, still coming to terms with the sense of relief at being back in this place, and turned on the water. He let it heat up for a moment, looking at himself in the mirror and pulling a face as he rubbed at the scruff on his jaw. Shepard had told him not to shave, though, so he just let it be, smirking a bit.

Once he was clean, avoiding getting the bandages on his shoulder wet, he honestly felt ten times better, putting on some of Shepard’s spare civvies. The uniform he’d arrived in was disgusting. He headed out to occupy himself and get acclimated while Shepard was busy, feeling a little weird having nothing to do. He stepped onto the crew deck, spotting Chakwas through the window into the infirmary and waving - he’d seen her earlier, when she’d fished a bullet out of his shoulder. That was fun.

Sitting at one of the tables in the mess area were Ashley, Jack, Garrus, and Liara. Jack had her boots propped up on the table, leaning on Ashley’s shoulder like she was an arm rest. Ashley seemed to be patiently allowing it.

“Kaidan,” Liara greeted, smiling when she saw him. She looked…kinda like shit, Kaidan thought privately, noting the deep circles under her eyes. She still hugged him, though, and he returned it tightly. “It’s so good to see you, we were worried when we heard about the Academy.”

“Thanks, Liara,” Kaidan smiled. “Good to see you, too. Worried about you. Though I was more worried about Garrus,” he smirked, nudging the turian playfully.

Garrus snorted, clapping his back warmly. “I’ve been on my best behavior, thank you. Good to see you, Kaidan. Jack tells us Grissom was hell.”

Kaidan nodded, his face falling a bit. “…not all the kids made it. We only got out with eleven.” Jack looked down at the table, scowling.

“Damn,” Garrus sighed, shaking his head. “It’s not right when kids get caught up.”

“No, it isn’t,” Kaidan agreed. “At least we got some.” He paused. “Shepard told me about Palaven. I was sorry to hear it.”

Garrus nodded somberly. “Sorry about Earth. We’re all feeling it. Feels good to be doing something, at least.”

“Right.”

“Heard Shepard’s got politician duty,” Ashley piped up, smirking a bit as she tried to lighten the mood. “Bet he’s thrilled.”

“Oh yeah, it’s his lifelong dream,” Kaidan drawled, grinning as he found himself a seat. “You should’ve seen his face before he went.” He let out a breath through his nose, frowning. “I don’t understand why they’ve put so much pressure on him. And he isn’t even an officer, anymore.”

“He’s the Reaper Guy,” Jack interjected. “They ignored him when the Reapers weren’t their problem, but now that they are, suddenly he’s everyone’s best friend. Plus he’s real good at pretending he’s superman, so good almost everyone believes it.”

Kaidan grunted, unable to argue with that. “It’s not fair.”

“We’ll help him,” Liara assured him, squeezing his shoulder. “All of us. He doesn’t need to do it alone.”

Kaidan smiled at her, actually relaxing a bit. “Real good to have you aboard again, Liara. Didn’t feel right without you. Did you…take care of what you needed to take care of?” he asked, recalling their conversation on Illium.

“I did,” Liara told him cryptically, narrowing her eyes a bit when Garrus scoffed.

“Really? Just gonna leave it at that, T’soni?”

“What?” Kaidan asked, eyebrows raising as he looked between them. “Leave it at what?”

“I…may have taken over the role of the Shadow Broker,” Liara told him casually, avoiding his eyes. “Maybe.”

“I-wha-you might have become the _Shadow Broker_?”

“Oh, please, there’s no need for the squeaking,” Liara huffed.

Kaidan scoffed indignantly. “Wha-I don’t squeak.”

“You do a little,” Ash told him somberly, patting his hand. “It’s okay. We still love you.”

Kaidan gave her a dry look, pulling his hand away. “Don’t push it, Williams.”

Liara rolled her eyes fondly. “Anyway. Yes. That’s all. You’ll hardly notice, don’t have cattle about it.”

“Have a cow,” Jack corrected her, grinning lopsidedly.

“Right. That.”

After enduring a bit more ribbing and dishing some out himself, Kaidan got himself something to eat and then headed back up to the cabin; Shepard would be finishing up soon. It had felt good to see some of the old crew, and he still needed to have a proper catch up with Ashley. She’d visited the Academy a lot more often than Shepard had, with Shepard being extremely busy and also not having regular access to military transport. Still, he felt like it had been forever since they’d been able to actually talk.

Shepard did return, though a lot later than Kaidan expected. He’d been waiting nearly half an hour when John finally stalked through the doors, looking pissed off and tearing off his uniform.

“What happened?” Kaidan asked warily, getting to his feet.

Shepard threw his arms around him, hugging him tight. Kaidan blinked, squeezing him around his middle and kissing his temple. “Hey, it’s alright. What happened?”

John didn’t speak for a minute, straightening after a while and clearing his throat. “Sorry.” He seemed to collect himself, taking a deep, harsh breath. “So we have to go to Sur’kesh.”

Kaidan blinked hard. “Sur’kesh? Why? Are the Reapers invading the salarians?”

“Not yet. But Wrex won’t help anyone until the genophage is cured,” Shepard sighed, rubbing his face. “And the salarians have krogan females on their homeworld, that are immune to the genophage. He wants us to get them, use their genetics to make a cure.”

“Fuck’s sake,” Kaidan sighed. “This just gets messier. …can’t blame him, though. I’m sure the dalatrass didn’t take kindly to that plan.”

“No,” Shepard drawled. “She just talked about my friend like he’s a rabid fucking dog.”

Kaidan grimaced, reaching to help him get the rest of his clothes off; he was pulling at them like they were constricting, and Kaidan knew that that tended to spike his anxiety when he was already worked up. “Like I said, John, it’s centuries of prejudice we’re up against. The fact that this is happening at all is a miracle.”

“It’s just fucking stupid,” John huffed, chucking his dress jacket across the room. “We have bigger problems than this shit.”

“I know,” Kaidan told him gently. He reached to cup his cheeks, rubbing them softly with his thumbs. “But we’ll do what we have to to get it done.”

Shepard nodded, looking a little steadier. “Right.”


	41. Chapter 41

Kaidan found Ashley where he expected to - in the cargo bay, cleaning her weapons. She looked up and smiled as he approached, setting her tools aside.

“Surprised to see you not attached to Jack’s hip,” he teased.

“Shut up,” she snorted, coming around her work table and throwing her arms around his neck. “Hey, Alenko.”

“Hey, Williams,” he murmured fondly. He squeezed her tight before letting her go, smiling widely. “Feels like it’s been forever.”

Ashley nodded, leaning back against the edge of the table and bracing herself with her hands. “I know. Shit got really busy all at once, there. Me and Shepard have been like chickens with our heads cut off. He’s got it even worse than me; at least I don’t really have to answer to the council.”

He snorted, nodding in agreement. “Yeah. The Alliance is lucky he likes Anderson so much. And that he’s a good enough man to do whatever it takes to take back Earth.”

Ashley huffed, her lips turned down as she shook her head. “Fucking idiots. If they’d just listened we’d have been more prepared.”

“No one could have prepared for that, Ash,” Kaidan told her quietly. “The sheer number of them…there’s just no way.”

“Well. Whatever this prothean weapon is that Liara found, it better work,” Ashley muttered. “I just feel so…angry. I don’t know. Maybe Jack is rubbing off on me.”

“She is,” Kaidan smirked, nudging her gently. “But, I’m angry, too. We all are.”

Ashley nodded, lifting the corner of her mouth and turning to peck his cheek swiftly. “Glad you’re alright.”

“You, too.” Kaidan sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I need to try to get a hold of my mom. But I’m afraid that I…won’t.”

Ashley was quiet. “I know how you feel. Your dad would’ve gotten them somewhere safe, though. I’m sure they’re okay.” She sighed heavily. “That’s what I’m telling myself about mine, anyway.”

Kaidan slung an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her close for a moment. “Maybe we can send them a message after the mission. Together, so we don’t chicken out.”

She smiled lopsidedly, resting her head on his shoulder. “Sounds good.”

“Love you, Ash.”

“Love you too, Kaid.”

They stayed like that for a while, before straightening up again and distracting themselves with work, cleaning up Ashley’s weapons and repairing bits of her armor.

“Did you put an order in for armor and stuff?” she asked, leaning over to get close to a particularly stubborn screw. “We could pick it up when we drop the students and Sanders off at the Citadel.”

“Yeah, already did it,” Kaidan nodded. “I’ve been having to borrow John’s clothes. Not that I’m complaining.”

Ashley snickered, grinning. “Right.”

They were interrupted by footsteps approaching from the elevator, and Kaidan was surprised to see James Vega, the soldier that had escorted him from the hospital when he’d begun house arrest. He smiled, reaching out his hand for a firm handshake. The kid’s hands were fucking huge.

“Vega, nice to see you again.”

“Likewise, Major,” Vega replied, smiling crookedly and squeezing his hand. Ow. “Commander Williams,” he added.

“It’s the apocalypse, Vega,” she said dryly. “We can drop the ranks.”

“Heh, no promises,” he grinned, but shoulders did loosen a bit. “Major, Shepard asked me to grab you. We’re dropping off the people from Grissom in ten, then landing on Sur’kesh within a couple of hours.”

Kaidan nodded, pushing away from the work station. “Alright. Thanks.”

“No problem.” He paused, watching Ashley work with a look that made Kaidan pass a hand over his mouth to hide his grin. “You need any help with that, ma’am?” he asked innocently. “I have very capable hands.”

Ashley paused, lifting her eyes and an eyebrow both. “Wrong tree, Vega,” she drawled. “Good try, though.”

“…damn,” he sighed, grinning when Ashley snorted. “Can’t blame me, can you?”

“My girlfriend might. You probably met her - the one with the tattoos?”

James paused. “…shutting up, ma’am.”

“Very good, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan shook his head, placing a hand between James’ shoulder blades and steering him toward the elevator. “Quit while you’re ahead, man. Come on.”

* * *

Saying goodbye to the students was a lot more emotional than he’d expected.

He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he and Jack hugged each of them, standing in the docking bay of the Citadel. It was all they had time for; just a quick goodbye right outside the door, and then they were off to the next mission. Kaidan wondered when his life was going to slow down.

He smiled weakly as Rodriguez threw her arms around his middle, squeezing him tightly as he did so right back.

“Thank you for everything,” she said, muffled against his shirt.

“Thank _you_ ,” he murmured. “You’re gonna be great, Rodriguez. Make me proud.”

She smiled, her eyes a bit shiny, and gave him her signature snappy salute. “Yes, sir!”

And with that they were gone, the group of them walking away with Sanders leading the charge, and he sighed heavily.

“Gonna miss the little shits,” Jack said softly.

“Yeah. Me, too.”

They were contemplative and quiet for a few moments more, before Jack broke the silence with a punch to Kaidan’s arm. “C’mon. We’ve got shit to do.”

The pair of them shuffled back onto the ship, the Normandy lifting off as soon as the door closed behind them. Kaidan let Jack continue on ahead, hearing Joker’s voice from the cockpit and grinning eagerly as he paused to say hello. He snuck up behind Joker’s chair, snatching his hat off his head and snickering when the man squawked indignantly.

“Shepard, I swear to fucking-” Joker twisted around to glare at him, then blinked once before his expression went dry again. “Oh, it’s just the other one.”

Kaidan laughed, sticking the hat back on his head and smirking as Joker grumbled and straightened it. “The other one?” he asked.

“You’re both the worst,” Joker snorted. “How’s it hangin’, Alenko?”

“Not bad.” Kaidan turned to take his usual seat in the co-pilot’s chair, nearly pissing himself when he found it occupied by…someone. A robot, it seemed, with feminine features and a blank, yet pleasant smile as she blinked up at him. “Jesus,” he breathed. “Uh, sorry.”

“No need for apologies, Major Alenko.”

Kaidan stared, recognizing that voice anywhere. “I…EDI?”

“Yeah, doesn’t she look badass?!” Joker grinned. “We jacked a Cerberus bot on Mars and EDI’s using it as a partial host.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. “Wow. That’s…impressive. Didn’t know you could do that.”

“Jeff is correct, it is only housing part of my consciousness,” EDI informed him, turning back to fiddling with the controls on the panel before her. He couldn’t help staring at her shiny, steel fingers. “I am still running the Normandy’s primary systems, but this body allows me more mobility. I can even leave the ship up to a certain distance.”

“Can you come on missions?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes, I do have combat capabilities. But, as I said, I should stay within a certain distance from the Normandy to maintain connection.”

Kaidan nodded, slowly, still reeling a bit. “Wow. Well, alright then. Gotta admit, it’s kinda nice being able to look you in the eye.”

EDI’s new face didn’t seem to be capable of much expression, but she did nod in his direction. “It has taken getting used to, but I believe I am adjusting quickly.”

“Great. You two are still playing nice, then?” Kaidan asked.

“We’re fine, dad,” Joker drawled. “All that shit’s behind us. We made a good team on the Collector base. Right, EDI?”

“Agreed. We are most efficient when we work together.”

Kaidan noticed the way Joker’s smile grew a bit, but decided to leave that one for later. “Well, I’ve gotta go suit up for Sur’kesh. God knows how that’s gonna go.”

Joker snorted, shaking his head. “Yeah. Good luck with that one. I’ll let you guys know when we get closer.”

“Sounds good. Thanks, Joker.”

He headed back up to the cabin to get ready, and maybe rest a little before what was likely to be an exhausting mission. Even if it was to be little to no combat, he could only imagine what pains in the ass the salarians were going to be about giving up the krogan women. He’d have to make sure Shepard didn’t cause a diplomatic incident by telling a salarian officer to get fucked with a rusty pipe or something.

He entered to find Shepard already inside, deep in conversation over a data pad with a short woman, her hands clasped crisply behind her back.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard smiled. “This is Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor.”

“Kaidan Alenko,” he introduced himself, smiling returning her salute before holding out his hand to shake.

She seemed to relax a bit, taking it and shaking firmly. “Major. An honor to meet you. I’ve heard so many things.”

“They’re probably exaggerated,” Kaidan laughed awkwardly.

Traynor pulled a face. “Right. Sorry. I don’t mean to fangirl, I only…well. Anyway.” She straightened abruptly, turning to Shepard. “I’ll forward those reports to you right away. Joker says we’ll be planetside within a couple of hours.”

“Sounds good, Traynor,” Shepard said fondly. “Thanks.”

Traynor saluted them both once more, before walking briskly out of the cabin muttering to herself.

“She’s chipper,” Kaidan laughed, shuffling down the couple of steps toward the bed, where plastic packages holding his new clothes and uniform sat beside a box that he hoped had his new armor inside. It was a little annoying, having to get all brand new things (especially the armor, it took forever to fully break in), but everything he’d had had been left behind on Grissom. He was sort of screwed.

He smiled as Shepard came up behind him, a warm chest pressing to his back and thick arms wrapping around his middle.

“Hi there,” he murmured playfully.

“Hi,” Shepard replied with a grin, kissing his cheek. “Missed you.”

“Since this morning?”

“Mhm.”

Kaidan laughed, turning around in his arms and pecking him gently. “You’ve gotten soft on me.”

“Always soft for you,” Shepard smiled, gently tapping their foreheads together.

Kaidan smiled, getting distracted by kissing him for a moment before stepping back, giving him a look. “None of that. We have to get ready.”

“We have a couple hours,” Shepard whined, grabbing Kaidan’s hips and pulling him back.

Kaidan snickered, allowing it for the moment. “Do you think we could have a day go by where you don’t try to trap me in bed?”

“Nah.”

He squeaked as Shepard nipped his earlobe. “Quit it,” he said warningly, though the grin didn’t help his case. “I mean it.”

Shepard laughed, holding up his hands. “Fine.

Kaidan did crawl onto the bed, though, sitting cross-legged as he opened up the packages in front of him. “You seem to be feeling better,” he noted.

John shrugged, sitting behind him and grabbing his data pad off the side table. “It comes and goes. You being around helps a lot.”

“Aw.” Kaidan tossed plastic wrapping onto the floor, making a small pile. “How do you think this exchange is gonna go? Sounds like a diplomatic incident waiting to happen.”

“”I know,” John snorted. “Since I’m a spectre, I can basically do whatever the hell I want and they can’t do a whole lot about it. So, that helps.”

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder at him, giving him a dry look. “Not whatever the hell you want,” he corrected warningly. “We have to be civil.”

“I’m always civil!” Shepard squawked indignantly. “What do you take me for, Alenko?”

“A hothead.”

“…well. Maybe a little.”

Kaidan snorted. “Can I borrow your knife?” he asked, blindly holding out a hand as he pulled the heavy box of armor toward him. Shepard placed his standard issue blade into his palm a moment later, and he got to work tearing open the box and organizing all of the pieces.

“Anyway. It’s not me you have to worry about, it’s Wrex.”

Kaidan grimaced. “Oh, no. He’s not coming, is he?”

“Of course he’s coming,” Shepard snorted. “He deserves to.”

“I know. I just…he’s not the best with keeping the peace.”

Shepard grunted. “Fuck the peace.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, shaking his head.

“You know I don’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

* * *

The arrival on Sur’kesh was not civil.

Wrex was already worked up as he approached the shuttle, which should have tipped Kaidan off that things might start out rough. He smiled in what he hoped was a calming way, holding out his hand to shake.

“Wrex. Nice to see you amongst the rabble again.”

Wrex snorted, shaking his hand swiftly before hauling himself into the shuttle. It shifted a bit under his weight. “Let’s get this over with.”

From the rear of the vehicle, the shuttle pilot, who Kaidan already knew as Cortez, got to his feet after finishing up his fine-tuning. Nice enough guy, Kaidan mused, if a bit straight-laced. And that was coming from him.

“Ready to head out?” Cortez asked them both, dusting off his hands.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Shepard nodded, climbing up into the shuttle as Kaidan followed on his heels.

The short ride down to Sur’kesh’s surface was tense, with Wrex pacing up and down the length of their small vehicle while Kaidan watched and Shepard observed the descent.

“Let’s just make this quick,” he said. “Get in, get the females, and leave before anyone changes their mind.”

“No argument here,” Kaidan nodded. Wrex grunted quietly.

“Shepard,” Cortez interjected. “Salarian ground control says we don’t have clearance to land.”

Shepard made an irritated sound in his throat. “Tell them the dalatrass authorized it.”

Before Cortez couple reply, Wrex was growling, loading his shotgun and approaching the door of the shuttle. “Should’ve known they wouldn’t keep their word,” he said darkly, slamming his fist on the release and opening the hatch. The salarian base was visible below, close enough that they could see the faces of alarmed salarians on it’s surface. “Let’s see how they hold up against a krogan air drop.”

“Wait, what?” Kaidan asked, blinking.

“Wrex, don’t-”

Before Shepard could even get the sentence out, Wrex was gone, leaping out of the shuttle and landing on the concrete with a heavy thud. Salarians dashed toward him immediately, trying to restrain him and getting thrown back as he swiped at them like they weighed nothing.

Kaidan swore under his breath, and he and John leapt after him simultaneously.

“Wrex!” Shepard called, stalking toward him. He came to an abrupt halt as red dots appeared on all of their armor, snipers up above lining up shots.

“Stand down, hold your fire!”

A salarian officer came jogging toward them, waving down his comrades anxiously. “Shepard, restrain your colleague! We only found out about this transfer a few minutes ago!”

“A few minutes ago?” Shepard asked incredulously.

“Dalatrass must have taken her sweet time,” Kaidan murmured, keeping his eye on the snipers perched at the top of the base.

Shepard released a heavy breath through his nose. “I would rather this wasn’t more difficult than it has to be. But you have something valuable to Wrex.”

“Something worth dying for,” Wrex agreed with a growl, his eyes narrowed at all of the weapons trained on him.

“We can work this out,” the officer insisted tensely. “But I must insist that he remain under guard.”

Shepard scowled, his jaw clenching, but he glanced uncertainly at Wrex. The krogan just grunted, sheathing his weapon.

“Anything goes wrong, and all bets are off,” he declared. He drew himself up to his full height, staring down the salarian soldiers that approached to escort him away.

The officer seemed to relax as Wrex got farther away, turning to face Shepard and Kaidan again. “Shepard, Major Alenko,” he nodded. “I’m Padok Wiks. I appreciate your understanding. With war on everyone’s minds, our people are on edge.”

Shepard grunted, and Kaidan recognized the pissy mood before deciding to pipe up.

“This base is impressive,” he said, nudging John gently. “What kind of work do you do here?”

“Evolutionary trials,” Padok explained. “Morphological simulations, exogenetic assessments.”

“Does that include studying lost krogan?” Shepard snipped, leveling Padok with a dirty look that made him blink rapdily.

Padok bristled a bit, lifting his chin. “The females were in poor health when we found them on Tuchanka. They were brought here to stabilize their condition.”

Shepard just continued to glare, and Kaidan laid a calming hand on his forearm, squeezing gently.

“We’d like to see them,” Kaidan told Padok.

“Of course,” he said briskly. “I’ll need to clear you for the lower levels. Give me a few moments.”

As he walked off, Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at Shepard, who stared right back at him like a stubborn mule.

“What?”

“You know what. You said you’d be civil.”

“Are you hearing the same shit I’m hearing?” Shepard hissed. “Aren’t you pissed?”

“Of course,” Kaidan muttered back. “But we’re here for one thing, and we can’t get that one thing if the salarians decide we’re a security threat. You need to pick your battles.”

“Don’t lecture me.”

“I’m not-!”

“Are you two gonna squabble the whole time we’re here?” Wrex asked gruffly, giving them a look from several feet away, where he was flanked by salarian security. They seemed to be keeping their distance from him, despite their weaponry.

Kaidan huffed through his nose as Shepard abruptly turned away, approaching Wrex instead of continuing the discussion.

“I don’t like this,” Wrex told them both, frowning at Shepard. “I should be the one going in.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Shepard sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s just the way it is, right now. We’ll get them out safe.”

Wrex grunted, rolling his shoulders. Every move he made seemed to make the guards shifty. Kaidan was starting to feel a bit of Shepard’s irritation on his behalf.

“On the Normandy, you said Reapers had been sighted on Tuchanka,” Shepard noted.

“Shit, really?” Kaidan asked, grimacing.

Wrex nodded. “Clans Jorgal and Ravanor spotted a few landing parties. The Reapers are up to something. Tuchanka may be a radioactive pile of rubble, but it’s our pile, and we’ll fight to the last to keep it that way.”

Shepard nodded, reaching to clap his shoulder firmly. “We’re with you, Wrex.”

“Heh. Who would’ve thought back on Virmire we’d be doing this together?” Wrex smirked, nudging him maybe a little too hard.

“Are you guys ready to fight the Reapers?” Kaidan asked, frowning deeply.

Wrex scoffed. “I’ve seen this day coming for a long time. My people have spent too much time selling ourselves out as mercenaries. Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best - saving everyone else from giant monsters.”

Something about that seemed to resonate with Shepard, his eyes lighting up and his shoulders squaring. Kaidan found himself softening a bit as he watched, even if he was still a little annoyed with him.

“Shepard. Alenko.”

Kaidan blinked, looking over his shoulder to find none other than Captain Kirrahe, looking a fair bit aged since he’d seen him on Virmire.

“Captain Kirrahe,” Shepard said in surprise, accepting the offered hand and shaking firmly. “Good to see you again.”

“Major,” Kirrahe corrected, smiling widely. “I’d heard you were coming.” He turned to Kaidan, smiling even wider. “Good to see you in one piece, Alenko. I was sorry to learn of your passing.”

Kaidan reeled just for a moment as he tried to think of how to respond to that. “Um. Thank you.”

“Condolences about your own death are a bit difficult to swallow, I’m sure,” he said, smiling in understanding.

“Honestly, nothing really surprises me much anymore,” Kaidan snorted. “Sounds like you’ve been promoted, then.”

“Yes, due in no small part to our mission on Virmire,” Kirrahe nodded. “You both saved my men, that day. And myself. It seems that the Reapers have an odd way of bringing us together.”

Shepard snorted, half nodding and half shrugging. “How did you get posted here?”

“I led the team that brought in the krogan females,” Kirrahe explained. “The scientists insist that it’s imperative that we preserve the females - evolutionary paradigms, they say,” he scoffed. “I say, if someone knows you’re hiding something valuable, they’ll want to steal it.”

Kaidan quirked an eyebrow, exchanging a glance with Shepard. “Are we expecting trouble?” he asked Kirrahe warily.

“I’m always expecting trouble,” the salarian smiled. “Either way, I have my orders. And the females will be your problem,soon enough.”

They were interrupted by one of the soldiers waving Kirrahe over, so Kaidan and Shepard both shook his hand once more as they prepared to part ways.

“Nice seeing you again, Major.”

Kirrahe stopped Shepard briefly, leaning in close. “Shepard. Regardless of what the politicians decide, you can count on my support to take back Earth.”

Shepard stared at him. “You’d do that?”

“Consider it my way of returning the favor,” Kirrahe smiled, nodding once before straightening up again. “Good day.” And with that, he was walking off to wherever he was being summoned.

“Small galaxy,” Kaidan murmured.

“Mm.”

They were quiet for a while, neither of them looking at each other, before Kaidan got tired of it and sighed. “Shepard.”

“Major.”

Kaidan fought the urge to sigh at his tone. “I’m…sorry. For lecturing. I didn’t mean to, I just…I understand why you’re upset. It isn’t fair, the way they talk about krogan. The way people talk about Wrex, and Grunt.”

Shepard softened a bit at the mention of Grunt, shaking his head. “It isn’t. I…it hits close to home, for some reason. Makes me angry.”

Kaidan reached to take his hand and squeezed gently, the material of their gloves squeaking softly as it rubbed together. “It’s okay. I know.”

He smiled as John bent to briefly peck his cheek, ignoring the various looks they got for the PDA.

Padok approached them after another few minutes. “I’ve granted you access to the lower levels,” he informed them. “You may proceed into the elevator when you are ready, and retrieve the females. Someone will-”

He was cut off mid-sentence by an alarm sounding overhead, drawing the attention of all in the vicinity.

“ _Alert!_ ” announced an automated voice. “ _Threat condition two has been declared. Scramble readiness teams._ ”

“What’s happening?” asked Shepard sharply.

Padok frowned, fiddling with his omni-tool. “Sensors have picked up activity on the perimeter. Hurry, someone will meet you below,” he insisted, waving them both into the elevator. “We’ll look into this.”

Shepard hesitated, but Kaidan pulled gently at his arm. “Come on. We need to get the females as quickly as possible, just in case this isn’t a false alarm.”

They stepped inside the elevator, and the door closed behind them. The alarm seemed louder inside the small box, and Kaidan suddenly wished they had Wrex with them. When they reached the lower level, the air was thick with tension. No one was panicking quite yet, but salarians were walking briskly, looking around anxiously and speaking in low tones.

As they stepped off to rendezvous with whoever was to lead them to the females, they were met with someone incredibly familiar, and Kaidan’s heart actually leapt a bit.

“Mordin,” he grinned.

“Shepard. Kaidan,” Mordin greeted them with a wide smile. He looked the same, of course, but had a few new scars. “Excellent timing. Good to have you here.”

“Damn. Definitely hadn’t expected to see you,” Shepard admitted, shaking his hand eagerly.

“Hadn’t expected to return to work,” Mordin admitted. “Special consultant. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.” He lowered his voice a bit, leaning closer. “Helped female krogan. Fed information to Clan Urdnot. Encouraged political pressure to free females.”

“I’d wondered where Wrex got the tip,” Shepard snorted.

“Yes. Can explain later,” Mordin said quickly. “Security warnings not normal. Need to get offworld for sake of krogan.”

They followed him at a quick pace, through the lab and past tittering salarians as they went.

“How many females are there?” Kaidan asked.

Mordin sighed heavily through his nose. “Females had weakened immune systems. Only one survived. Last hope for krogan. If she dies, genophage cure…problematic.”

“Shit.”

They reached what appeared to be a cell, which made Kaidan’s eye twitch a little. Inside was a krogan, draped in fabrics that he assumed were beautiful, once, before they had become dirtied and torn. Her face was covered save for the eyes, which were piercing as she stared them down as if to intimidate, although Kaidan noted that she appeared to be restrained, as well.

John seemed to have noticed, as well, his eyes flashing as he took it all in. He seemed to be thinking the same thing Kaidan was - was this woman a patient, or a prisoner? He took a breath though, visibly forcing himself to relax, before approaching the cell.

“Careful,” Mordin murmured. “Krogan slow to trust.”

Shepard ignored him, taking a couple more steps. He raised a hand, as if to touch the energy field that closed off the front of the cell, but dropped his hand at the last moment.

“Hi. I’m Shepard,” he told the female quietly.

“Are you here to kill me?” she asked, her voice deep and lilting. Her eyes flitted over his armor, searching for an insignia and finding none.

“No,” Shepard said, shaking his head, his voice still soft and quiet. “I’m here to help. Urdnot Wrex and I are here to take you home.”

The female was quiet for a long moment, staring him down. “Why?” she asked eventually. “What am I to you?”

“The future of the krogan race,” Shepard replied. “I’m fighting for that.”

She scoffed quietly, as the alarms on the upper levels blared even louder.

“Then I hope you brought an army.”


	42. Chapter 42

The ground beneath their feet trembled, rubble falling from the ceiling as bits fractured and crumbled. Mordin looked up, stepping forward and his fingers flying over the console in front of the krogan woman’s cell. That was all Kaidan could call it, at this point. The scientists’ insistence to the contrary only went so far in the face of shackles and a cage.

“ _Shepard_ ,” came Wrex’s voice, and the man in question lifted up his omni-tool to hear him more clearly. “ _Cerberus is attacking the base. We’re out of time._ ”

“Fucking of course they are,” Shepard snapped.

“Need to get female out of here,” Mordin told them swiftly. “Containment unit mobile, ease-of-transport around base. Containment shield will withstand some fire. Will take her up to landing zone, meet you there.”

Shepard nodded, unsheathing his weapon and cocking it. “On it. Wrex, we’re coming back up. Sending you a navpoint. Let’s go, K.”

“Right behind you.”

The two of them took off at a jog as Mordin stepped inside of the containment unit with the female. The pod, as Mordin had said, began to rise, disappearing into the upper level. Kaidan and Shepard approached the lift they’d arrived in as the ground shook once again, forcing them to widen their stances.

“We need to get back up,” Shepard told the salarian near the control panel, who was frowning as he pressed the call button repeatedly.

“It’s not responding,” he muttered, trying a few more times.

Finally the elevator light lit up, and the doors slid open. They took two steps forward, and Kaidan got a short glimpse of a device blinking on the floor of the lift before Shepard threw out an arm, forcing him to a halt as it collided with his chest.

“Wha-”

“Get back!” Shepard shouted, spinning and shoving him hard enough to send him sprawling.

Seconds later, the elevator burst into flames, a rush of heat and noise overwhelming Kaidan’s senses. He opened his eyes to a squint to find that John had shielded him with his own body, but luckily they’d gotten far enough away that no real damage was done.

“Are you alright?” the scientist called anxiously over the noise, his voice hoarse from the smoke.

Shepard grunted, and pushed himself to his feet before holding out a hand for Kaidan. “Is there another way out of here?”

The scientist nodded, waving smoke out of his face as his colleagues worked to quell the flames. He took off at a jog, waving for them to follow. “Other side of the lab - emergency exit. This way.”

They made a dash for the far side of the laboratory, and the scientist worked quickly to open up a previously locked door.

“I overrode the locks, but the hydraulics are down,” he told them, raising his voice as the noise above mingled with the shouting of the other scientists. “You’ll need to push it open.”

“Got it!”

Kaidan approached the door, shoving it apart with more ease than he may have before Cerberus got a hold of him. John ducked under his arm, and Kaidan slipped in after him before allowing the door to close behind them. They had slipped into an emergency exit tunnel, dimly lit with a ladder at the other end. They ran for it, chunks of concrete and dust sprinkling from the ceiling as more explosions sounded on surface level.

“ _Shepard_ ,” came Mordin’s voice over comms. “ _Under fire at first checkpoint. Hurry!_ ”

“We’re on our way,” Shepard told him, taking the rungs two at a time as they ascended.

They emerged onto ground level once more, and were met with smoke and fire. The salarian base was crawling with Cerberus troops, hauntingly familiar armor on all sides. They ducked nearly a second too late, several soldiers turning toward them and firing without hesitation.

“Wrex, could use your help up here!” Shepard shouted into his comm.

“ _I got myself a shuttle, trying to take down their air support!_ ” Wrex called back, his voice hard to hear over the racket in the background.

Shepard growled, gritting his teeth as he leaned out of cover to fire off a couple of rounds. “Fine, just keep them from getting anymore men on the base!”

“ _Will do!_ ”

Kaidan rolled into cover on the other side of the room, reloading with swift fingers. “Should’ve brought Ashley!” he shouted.

“Hindsight’s 20/20, Alenko!”

Kaidan checked his omni-tool in between shots; they were two rooms down from the checkpoint Mordin had marked. If he and the female were under fire, they were basically sitting ducks inside of that cell.

“John! I’ll put up a shield, let’s make a break for the checkpoint!”

“Got it! On your mark!”

Kaidan sheathed his weapon, closing his eyes for just a moment and taking a sharp inhale through his nose. When he released it, a large bubble of energy surrounded him, wide enough to fit himself and Shepard. He shouted a warning, then stepped out of cover, bullets colliding with his field and pinging off to hit the surrounding walls. Once Shepard rolled into it’s protection, they both took off at a sprint, deflecting the fire of the Cerberus shoulders and shoving aside the ones that got too close.

They came to a skidding halt once they reached the checkpoint, sliding on their sides into cover and beginning to pick off the soldiers trying to break into the pod. Mordin and the krogan woman were still inside, the former flitting his eyes over screens and data Kaidan couldn’t see.

“Are you alright?” Shepard asked them both as Kaidan fiddled with the console, trying to get them approval to continue to the next checkpoint.

“Containment shield is holding. Will try to repair if necessary. Can’t speak for krogan’s health, however.”

The woman’s eyes swiveled toward Shepard, resting on him calculatingly as they had before. “I’m fine,” she told him firmly.

Mordin nodded several times, eyes and fingers still flying over the computers he was working with inside the pod. “Females kept secret. Possible mole within STG…might be indoctrinated. Troubling. If no krogan alliance with turians, Reapers left unchallenged.”

Shepard snorted. “We’ll do more than challenge them.”

Kaidan stepped back from the console. “John, I need you. Spectre approval to get them to the next checkpoint.”

John grunted, approaching and providing his hand print when prompted by the program on the monitor. A moment later, the pod shook and then began to rise once more.

“Meet us at next checkpoint,” Mordin called. “Cerberus likely to-”

He was interrupted by a shuttle swiping the side of the pod, sending him sprawling and a few chunks of steel flying into the air. Kaidan swore and ducked before he could get a face full of shrapnel, John right beside him.

“Hurry!” Mordin called again. He had a bleeding cut on the side of his head, now, but he was on his feet, and the pod had not been hindered in it’s movement. “Next check point!”

Kaidan grit his teeth as the pod disappeared from view, peering out of cover to assess the situation. “Just a couple guys,” he told Shepard. “Let’s take ‘em out quick and get moving.”

“Overload the shuttle,” Shepard instructed. “Might help Wrex out a bit.”

“On it.”

It only took a moment of concentration on Kaidan’s part for the shuttle to begin humming ominously, rattling and groaning until the engine burst and engulfed the vehicle in flames with the soldiers inside. With that obstacle out of the way, Kaidan and Shepard rolled out of cover, wasting no time in advancing to the next checkpoint. Kaidan followed the map on his omni-tool, trusting Shepard to cover his ass while he was distracted. Up above they heard more explosions, and a glance out the window revealed two shuttles, one chasing the other and opening fire.

“Wrex, is that you?” Shepard called into his comm.

“ _Trying to draw their fire!_ ” Wrex shouted back. “ _Get moving!_ ”

They broke into a run, Kaidan leading their way as they traversed the nearly identical halls and rooms of the salarian base. “How the hell does anyone find their way around here?”

“Fuck knows,” Shepard replied. “Are we close?”

“Down this next hall.”

They rounded a corner, nearly slamming straight into Major Kirrahe, who was in the middle of snapping a Cerberus soldier’s neck with his bare hands.

“Well, fancy meeting you here,” Shepard drawled, unfazed as the soldier slumped to the ground.

Kirrahe grunted, nodding once. “Cerberus forces are all over this area. Dr. Solus and the krogan female are at the checkpoint just ahead. You two advance, I’ll cover you.”

Shepard clapped his shoulder firmly before nodding to Kaidan. Kaidan followed on his heels as they came out from behind the wall, finding that there were indeed an alarming amount of Cerberus forces on this level. They ran zigzag, dodging enemy fire and returning it when they could, with Kirrahe laying down cover fire.

“ _Shepard_!” came Mordin’s voice, tense and shouting over gunshots. “ _Elevator malfunctioning! Need assistance! Under fire!_ ”

“We’re coming!” Shepard shouted back. “Just keep the shield up!”

Kirrahe was their saving grace, picking off soldiers one after another and giving them a smooth run toward the pod. Once they reached it Kaidan skidded to a halt in front of the console, frowning when it wouldn’t respond. “Fuck, John, they cut the power. We’re gonna have to find a way to reroute the emergency systems.”

“Shit, alright. You do that, I'll stay here and cover the pod,” John told him.

“Will do.”

Kaidan sprinted off, looking around for a main power supply, a generator, anything. Luckily, he didn’t have to look far to find just that - a deactivated backup generator. With a bit of fiddling he had it online, the lights overhead flickering to life and the walls vibrating as multiple systems buzzed awake.

“ _Alright, that did it_ ,” said Shepard’s voice in his ear. “ _Let’s - fuck, there’s another squad. Get back here on the double!_ ”

“On my way!”

Kaidan pelted back to the checkpoint, his biotics already flaring as he rounded the corner. He threw out a heavy kick with a long sweep of his arm, bowling over a group of Cerberus soldiers and landing them on their backs. Shepard and Kirrahe made short work of them while they were scrambling.

As soon as all enemies were down, Shepard spun to unlock the console, glancing up at Mordin. “How you holding up?” he asked, eyes flitting between him and the female.

“Containment shield strong, but not designed for direct fire,” Mordin told him, glancing at the shield as it flickered dangerously.

“This isn’t your problem,” the krogan woman said, frowning at Shepard. “You don’t know me.”

Shepard looked up again, smiling crookedly. “But I’d like to,” he said. “Hang in there.”

“How many more checkpoints?” Kaidan asked Mordin.

“Just landing area,” Mordin replied, wiping blood away from his forehead as it threatened to trickle into his eye from his wound. “Hope Urdnot Wrex still waiting.”

The krogan woman scoffed quietly. “Wrex can’t keep his hands off a fertile female,” she said sarcastically. “He’ll be there.”

Shepard pressed his palm to the monitor, clearing the pod to continue it’s ascent. “Alright,” he said, straightening up. “We’ll see you up top.” As the pod began to rise once more, he pressed his fingers to his comm. “Wrex, she’s on her way up to the landing zone. Be there waiting.”

Wrex cackled eagerly, and a noisy explosion sounded in the background. “ _We pull this off, and I’m making you an honorary krogan!_ ”

Shepard snorted, disconnecting the call. “Let’s get moving. Almost there.”

Kaidan nodded, reloading his weapon. “Right behind you, John.”

The took a service ladder to the next floor, where they could already hear gunfire. They hauled themselves up onto the landing zone to find Cerberus attempting to make a last stand. Some were firing at the containment shield, which was flickering even more violently than before, and the rest had set up a barricade.

“Damnit,” Shepard hissed. “Kaidan!”

“Got it!” Kaidan shouted back. He holstered his weapon, using both hands to build up a charge large enough to make his hair stand on end. There was a slight twinge at the base of his skull, but slight enough to ignore, and he snarled with effort as he cast an area Reave, the whole group of soldiers instantly robbed of their shields as their armor sparked and the blue light of their barricade went dead.

While they were stunned, Shepard opened fire, taking out a handful before the rest came back to themselves. With the odds evened slightly, Kaidan helped him to go on the offensive, ignoring the burn in his arms and the sweat dripping into his eyes. Just as he started to worry they were getting too exhausted, Wrex’s shuttle descended on the LZ. The krogan himself threw open the door, leaping out of the craft and landing heavily on his feet. He lit up the remaining soldiers with his shotgun, laughing all the while and kicking some of them clean off the edge of the base.

Soon, the last man was down, Kaidan double checking his sensors before letting out a heavy breath. “No hostiles.”

“Thank fucking baby Jesus,” Shepard huffed, stalking toward the console. “Let’s get the fuck out of here already.”

“Just need final approval,” Mordin told him. “Authorize release. Then pod transfers to loading area.”

“Great,” Shepard said, putting through the authorization.

The female’s section of the pod disconnected from Mordin’s, lifting on it’s own to the level just above them.

“Let’s make this quick,” Wrex said, turning and walking toward the stairs. “Before reinforcements show up.” He slapped Shepard’s back, hard, as they walked, grinning. “You had me worried there for a minute.”

“Aw,” Shepard snickered. “That’s cute, Wrex.”

“Don’t push it.”

They reached the loading area, approaching the female slowly. Her shackles gradually released, freeing up her arms and shoulders which she stretched out tentatively. Mordin held out his hand to help her step down, blinking as Wrex grunted and nudged him out of the way, extending his own.

“Let’s get you out of there,” Wrex said, with what Kaidan assumed was meant to be a charming smile. By the long look the woman gave him, it wasn’t working.

She stepped down on her own, her legs a bit shaky but not collapsing. “I can handle myself, Wrex,” she told him firmly, making her way toward the shuttle without another glance his way.

Wrex stared at her, dropping his hand and scoffing. “Let’s go,” he muttered, practically pouting as he followed her.

Kaidan snorted, glancing at Shepard briefly. “Not going how he pictured it?”

Shepard rolled his eyes with a smirk. “Guess not. Let’s go. I need a goddamn drink.”


	43. Chapter 43

The pages in Kaidan’s favorite book of Earth poetry were coming away from the binding.

He frowned to himself as he sat cross-legged on the bed, alone in the captain’s cabin for the moment as he tried to delicately repair the well-loved volume in his hands. He’d had it since he was a teenager, had kept it under his pillow at BAaT, even. He knew it was just a book, but then…it wasn’t. He still remembered the day his father came home from work with it in his hand. The cover had been a darker shade of maroon, then, the pages not as crinkled and the spine not as frayed.

The door to the cabin opened and he glanced up, expecting Shepard but receiving Ashley instead, which brought just as wide a smile to his face.

“Hey,” he greeted, looking back down at his task. “We missed you on Sur’kesh.”

“I heard,” she snorted, smiling as she sat heavily on the bed beside him, sending them both bouncing a bit. “Shepard told me you were sweating it a little.”

Kaidan smirked, shrugging like it was no big deal. “Just a little.” He sighed, pouting as a particularly stubborn page wouldn’t stay glued. “Damn it.”

“You’ve gotta leave it for a while with some weight on it,” she advised, stretching out on the bed and kicking off her boots. “Maybe you should just sit on it. That ass is enough weight.”

Kaidan snorted, tossing the small bottle of adhesive at her head and smirking when she dodged easily.

“You just come here to hassle me, Williams?”

“Nah,” she smiled. “I, uh…figured we could try calling home. Trip to Tuchanka will be a while.”

Kaidan paused, his hands hovering over the book. He stared into space for a moment, his heart rate increasing a bit. “…yeah.”

Ash wrapped her arms around his shoulders, squeezing tightly. “We can do this. We have to know.” She sounded unsteady, herself, a slight tremble to her voice. “It’s worse not knowing, isn’t it?”

He nodded, passing a hand over his mouth. “But if I keep putting it off, I can keep pretending everything’s okay.”

“I know,” she murmured, resting her chin on his shoulder. “But we have to.”

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Okay. Alright. Let’s do it.”  
“Okay.”

Ashley sat up, and they both faced each other, opening up their omni-tools and beginning to draft messages to their respective family members.

Kaidan hadn’t had chance to get a hold of his parents since before his death. He’d either had no way of getting a message out while with Cerberus, been under house arrest, or been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. The guilt ate at him so violently he was almost sick with it as he typed.

_Hey mom and dad,_

_I’m sorry it’s been so long, and you probably heard that I’m not dead anymore and that’s weird, and I’m sorry about that too. But I wanted to let you know I’m okay. I’m stationed on the Normandy again. Can’t say much else. Are you alright? I saw the attack on Vancouver and I just need to know you’re safe. I’m sorry, again. I love you._

_\- Kaidan_

He sent it with a quick jab of a button, dropping his face into his hands the moment it winked away. Ashley hugged him tightly again and he held her right back, squeezing hard and hiding his face.

“It’ll probably take at least a day for it to get through,” Ashley murmured against his shoulder.

“Yeah.”

They stayed like that for a while. The t-shirt Ash was wearing must be Jack’s, Kaidan mused vaguely. He could smell the cigarettes on it, a scent that was still comforting after all these years. Eventually they separated, a little red in the eyes but still holding together. They looked at each other for a moment, then flopped over onto their backs, side by side with matching sighs of exhaustion.

“We did it,” Kaidan murmured.

Ashley raised a weak fist into the air. “Yay, go us,” she deadpanned.

Kaidan laughed weakly, helplessly, into the tired quiet.

* * *

Whenever Kaidan saw Shepard angry or upset, he tended to take it as a personal offense. Not from Shepard, but from whoever had made him look like that. He’d been through so much; Kaidan just wanted to steal him away and hide him from everything and everyone that kept chipping pieces away until he was just a raw nerve.

His own mood darkened when John came into their cabin, a rain cloud over his head and a tension in his jaw.

“What happened?” he asked, like always, already getting to his feet. He accepted the tight hug readily this time, rubbing his back soothingly.

“I need help,” Shepard mumbled.

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose. “Why? What’s wrong?” he asked anxiously, pulling back to look at him.

“It’s not me, it’s…” Shepard took a deep breath, starting to pace and running his fingers agitatedly through his hair. “I talked to the dalatrass. Just now. And she fucking-!” Shepard laughed, bitterly, angrily. “She actually fucking suggested that I sabotage the Shroud!”

“Sabotage it? Doesn’t she understand how stupid that would be?” Kaidan asked, trying to keep his own temper from rising to meet Shepard’s at the suggestion. Two hotheads was the last thing they needed.

“Fuck knows!” Shepard shouted, now gesturing wildly and his fingers trembling a bit. “And if I don’t do it, she won’t give us salarian support! So fuck me, I guess!”

Kaidan reached for him, grabbing his hand and pulling him to a halt. “Hey, hey,” he said quietly, holding on when Shepard tried to pull away. “Let’s slow down, alright? You’re getting too upset.”

“Fuck yeah I’m upset! Why the fuck wouldn’t I be upset?!”

Kaidan released his hand, chewing the inside of his lip as he watched him continue to pace like a caged animal. After a bit of deliberation, Kaidan crossed the room, turning out the lights and leaving them in the dim illumination of the fish tank.

“The fuck you doing?”

“Come here,” Kaidan said, keeping his voice low as he went to sit on the bed. They stared at each other stubbornly for a moment. “I mean it. Come here, right now.”

John released an angry huff through his nose, stomping over to stand between Kaidan’s knees. “I’m here.”

Kaidan bit back the sarcastic quip, pulling on John’s hand instead until he was sitting. “Take a deep breath, now.”

“I am breathing,” Shepard told him through gritted teeth.

“I know, just do it slower,” Kaidan amended. “You’re panicking a little.”

“I’m not panicking, I’m pissed off!” Shepard cried, his voice raising again and going a little hoarse.

Kaidan put his hands up, not saying anything for a minute or two. Shepard put his head on his hands, muttering and cursing to himself under his breath and digging his nails into his scalp. When he’d relaxed a little more, dropping his forearms onto his knees, Kaidan shuffled closer.

“Lay on your back.”

“Not in the mood, K.”

Kaidan snorted, rolling his eyes. “Not for that, smartass. Come on, just do it.”

Shepard sighed heavily, flopping onto his back and glaring petulantly up at the ceiling. “There. Happy?”

“Yes.”

Kaidan crawled closer, then swung a leg over him. He scooted down a little bit, until they were perfectly lined up with each other, and then he lowered himself down until all of his weight was on Shepard’s legs and chest. He snuggled up, resting his cheek on his shoulder and watching his face in the low light.

John seemed a little confused at first, then the comforting weight slowly got to him, and he let out a quiet sigh. He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Kaidan’s waist and holding him tightly. Kaidan smiled a bit, stretching to peck his cheek.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” Shepard murmured, eyes still closed. “Thanks.”

“Mm.”

They laid like that for a while, not falling asleep but just enjoying the heat and weight and the dark. Kaidan reached to play with John’s fingers where they rested on the mattress, loose and pliant. He rubbed his thumb over the hard callouses on their tips, while Shepard dragged his knuckles slowly up and down Kaidan’s spine.

“I need to tell Wrex. And Mordin,” Shepard murmured eventually. “Telling Wrex might fuck shit up more, but…he deserves to know.”

Kaidan nodded quietly. “I think you’re right.”

He felt Shepard’s chest expand with a large breath through his nose, the air coming out long and loud from his mouth. “I hate this,” he admitted softly.

Kaidan stopped playing with his fingers, instead lacing them between his own and squeezing tightly. “I know. Me, too.”

* * *

The shuttle down to Tuchanka’s surface was cramped. The female krogan, who Mordin was referring to as “Eve”, and Wrex sat opposite each other. Mordin was next to Eve, tapping his fingers on his knees and looking around the shuttle. Wrex kept glancing at Eve almost grumpily while she maintained an air of cool indifference. Kaidan almost wanted to laugh at them.

Almost.

There was a Reaper on Tuchanka, had set up shop next to the Shroud and was using it to poison the planet’s atmosphere. Wrex was on edge, grinding his teeth and flexing his fists repeatedly. Kaidan could relate. He’d never actually seen a live Reaper in person before, having been on Grissom when Earth was invaded. He couldn’t imagine how John was feeling. Though, no one could - he had his stoic mask back on, once again.

“I’ve ordered the clans to assemble at the Hollows. Our sacred meeting ground,” Wrex told them. “We’ll land there, and take an armored convoy against the Reaper.”

“Fun,” Shepard drawled.

Wrex snorted in agreement. “This will be the defining moment in krogan history,” he declared proudly.

“Krogan history filled with defining moments,” Mordin noted. “Most bloody. Hope this one…better.”

Shepard gave him a hard look, but Mordin didn’t seem fazed.

“Shepard. You seem troubled,” said Eve, watching him closely.

John nodded, glancing briefly at Kaidan. “I got a message, from the -”

The shuttle lurched, cutting him off as they all grabbed onto something solid to keep themselves from rolling down the length of the vehicle.

“Wrex, it’s Wreav,” came a gruff voice over the shuttle’s radio. “The Reapers are already at the Hollows. Come out guns blazing!”

Wrex’s eyes narrowed, his shoulders squaring.

“Hang on tight,” said Cortez, eyes still forward from the pilot’s seat. “We’re heading in, it’ll be rough.”

It was, indeed, the shuttle quaking and jerking and forcing them to brace themselves on the walls and what Shepard called “oh, shit! handles” on the ceiling. Once they’d breached the atmosphere it settled once more, and they reached the planet’s surface with little issue, just outside of the Hollows. The telltale groans of husks right outside the door met their ears, and they all pulled their weapons. Wrex opened up the hatch, firing his shotgun one-handed and taking out the first husk he laid eyes on.

“Keep them away from Eve!” Shepard shouted over the noise as the hoard all began to shriek and charge toward them at once.

Kaidan and Mordin stuck close to her, keeping to cover while Shepard and Wrex held the front line. A cursory glance showed that the Hollows was a large chamber, with high ceilings and archways completely open to the elements; there would be no barricading. Luckily their weren’t many husks, the majority of the Reaper forces apparently having pushed toward the Shroud already. After a quick, brutal firefight, the last husk down. Kaidan holstered his weapon, getting to his feet, and the group of them converged in the center of the chamber.

“Ha! They will sing battle songs about this someday,” Wrex declared, grinning widely with his armor spattered with red. “Reaper blood has finally soaked our soil!”

“We have to get to the Shroud,” said Shepard. “The air strike is on it’s way. How’s Eve?”

“Female safe,” Mordin assured them, smiling at her. “Vitals are strong.”

“What’s a Salarian doing here?”

Kaidan looked up to see another krogan, hulking and imposing, a group of warriors behind him.

“Nobody said anything about this,” the krogan continued sharply, glaring hard at Wrex.

“And you are?” Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Urdnot Wreav,” the krogan declared. “Brood brother to our…illustrious leader,” he drawled, the warriors flanking him scoffing and grumbling to themselves.

Wrex’s shoulders tensed almost imperceptibly. “We share the same mother. And nothing else,” he growled.

“Ha! For which I’m grateful!” Wreav laughed bitterly. “I remember what it means to be a true krogan!” The warriors all nodded and snarled in approval. “We flay our enemies alive and drown them in a geyser of their own blood. We don’t invite them into our _home_ ,” he snapped, his lip curled back with disgust as he gestured toward Mordin.

“He isn’t your enemy,” Kaidan interjected, when it appeared Mordin had no interest in speaking up for himself. “He’s here to cure the genophage.”

Wreav snarled, advancing on Kaidan with heavy footsteps. “His kind gave us the genophage!”

Shepard stepped between them before Kaidan could even square up, knocking his chest plate against Wreav’s with a _thunk_. He glared, baring his own teeth and snarling until Wreav snorted and straightened up.

Maybe Shepard was an honorary krogan.

“Hmph. Why should we trust these?” Wreav asked Wrex instead, clearly irritated now. “Our ancestors wouldn’t have let a salarian anywhere near the shroud!”

He grunted and stumbled when Wrex slammed his forehead into his, asserting his dominance and finally shutting him up.

“Because I trust them,” Wrex growled. “And so will you, Wreav.”

Wreav bared his teeth, pulling his shotgun out of it’s holster and pointing it at Wrex, who mirrored him with a glare.

“Enough!”

They all looked up simultaneously to find Eve, standing at the head of the stairs with her fists clenched. Each of the krogan fell quiet, even Wrex and Wreav, as an air of reverence fell over the room.

“You can stay here, and let old wounds fester as Krogan have always done,” Eve told them sharply, descending the stairs. Her steps were solid and sure, her legs no longer shaking from disuse. “Or you can fight the enemy we were born to destroy, and win a new future for our children. I choose to fight. Who will join me?”

Shepard lifted his chin immediately, squaring his shoulders. “I will.”

“And so will I!” Wrex declared, a fire in his eyes. He turned to the others. “Now hold your heads high, like true krogan - there’s a Reaper that needs killing!”

Wreav stared at him for a moment, his eyes narrowed, before he grunted and nodded once. The warriors surrounded them let out eager war cries, pounding their fists and chests as they headed out of the Hollows in a collective. Kaidan released a heavy breath, glancing up at Shepard.

“Ready?”

John shrugged one shoulder casually, double checking his ammo. “Yeah, sure. Cure the genophage, kill a Reaper…big fucking deal.”

Kaidan snorted, shaking his head as he followed him out. “Right. No biggie.”


	44. Chapter 44

The rovers were made to handle uneven terrain, but it was still a rough ride as their convoy headed toward the Shroud. Tuchanka was mostly rubble,rock, and dunes, and Kaidan kept a firm hold on whatever was bolted down as he was jostled, bumping into Shepard’s side a couple of times.

Mordin was still quiet as ever, seeming contemplative where he sat. It was unusual for him to have so little to say, and Kaidan had expected him to be speaking a mile a minute with the enormous task at hand. Then again, Mordin had been an instrumental part of the creation of the genophage; maybe he needed the time to reflect.

Eve and Wrex sat across from each other once again. They…seemed to be warming up to each other. Sort of. Kaidan watched as Wrex stumbled over his words like an awkward teenager, wondering if it was because he never talked to women or because of the reverence krogan seemed to have for their females. Maybe it was a bit of both. Amusing, either way.

“Shepard,” said Eve. “On the shuttle, you wanted to say something. What was it?”

Shepard released a breath through his nose, clenching his jaw. “I got a call from the dalatrass before we left,” he told her. “She said the shroud was sabotaged years ago, so it wouldn’t work.”

Wrex stiffened, sitting up straighter. “What, and she thought we wouldn’t notice?”

“Thought correctly,” Mordin piped up. “Likely would have fooled tests. But, familiar with STG work,” he said, smirking and tapping his own head with a long finger. “Can adjust. Did not come this far for nothing.”

Eve sighed, sitting back in her seat and closing her eyes. “You just spared our race another genocide,” she told Shepard, opening her eyes to fix him with a fervent gaze. “Thank you.”

“Shepard is our brother,” Wrex declared, grinning widely. “If there’s one human we can rely on in the entire galaxy, it’s him.”

Kaidan smiled, a warm flicker of pride inside of his chest.

The rover lurched, coming to a swift halt and sending he and Shepard stumbling a step.

“Why are we stopping?” Wrex barked, getting to his feet.

“Let’s go check it out.”

They all climbed out of the vehicle, dropping heavily to the ground below. The entire convoy had come to a stop, the krogan warriors scattered on the road. Leaving Eve and Mordin behind inside the vehicle for protection, they approached the group at the front of the line.

“Why are we stopped?” Wrex repeated sharply.

“Road’s out,” one krogan told him, pointing to the path ahead, a crevice blasted through it with a drop too steep for the vehicles to manage. “We can’t get across.”

Shepard let out a harsh breath through his nose, walking a few feet away and barking down his comms at the turian air team to hold off on their assault. Kaidan looked up, seeing them already approaching as he spoke, firing at the Reaper off in the distance and already being picked off like flies. He swore softly.

“They’re locked in,” Shepard snapped. “Damn it all. We need to get moving, I don’t care if we have to build a new road!”

Kaidan frowned, looking around for alternate routes or - he paused, craning his head back at a towering pillar, once probably part of a great structure that had since crumbled with time and neglect.

“John, if we blast the base of that pillar it might give us a road.”

John followed his gaze, taking about two seconds to think about it before nodding once. “Alright, you heard the man. Gather explosives at the base of that pillar, heavy on the right side!”

They all scrambled to do as he said, Wrex shouting at them all to move their asses. Turian ships continued to fall as they worked, but their numbers were still holding up, for now. The Reaper was far enough away that all of the explosions and crashing of ships on the ground were a distant rumble. Once the explosives were all in place the group of them dashed to a safe distance away, backing up the rovers as well, before detonating.

A burst of fire and noise erupted around the base of the pillar, sending shrapnel and concrete pinging against the outside of their vehicles despite their distance. For a moment the pillar teetered, before falling toward the split road with an earsplitting crash. The crumbled remains were definitely still rough terrain, but it was just flat enough for their vehicles to pass over. Shepard clapped Kaidan’s helmet affectionately.

“Alright, let’s go!” Wrex ordered, and the convoy began to move once more.

Shepard pressed his finger to his comm as they drove, frowning deeply. “Understood, we’ll find another way,” he said, before disconnecting the call. “The air team is getting slaughtered, they need to abort,” he said tightly. “We need to find another way.”

“Like what?” Kaidan snorted. “It’s a Reaper, what the hell are we supposed to do?”

John sighed, running his fingers through his own hair. “Just…let me think.”

The rover shuddered suddenly, vibrating so hard Kaidan’s teeth chattered for about ten seconds before settling again.

“The hell was that?” he asked, frowning as he peered out the front window.

“Don’t know. Ground was shaking; might be explosions far off,” the krogan in the driver’s seat told him.

Eve hummed, not looking convinced. “It is said that Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, lives in this region.”

Kaidan grimaced in the same moment Shepard’s head whipped toward her. “The mother of all thresher maws?” he repeated blankly.

“Yes.”

“Just another reason for us to haul ass,” Wrex snorted, not seeming to notice when John went a bit pale and sat back slowly in his seat.

Kaidan did, though, and he reached to take John’s hand and squeeze it tight. “We’ve got this,” he murmured. “I’m right here with you.”

Shepard nodded, then shook his head, frowning a little and grunting quietly. “I’m fine,” he muttered back. He betrayed himself by squeezing Kaidan’s hand in a death grip. It hurt a little, but Kaidan didn’t let go.

As they continued, they came upon parts of Tuchanka that were more in tact, towering structures with intricate architecture, a level of artistry Kaidan hadn’t know krogan were capable of. Though, maybe he was just letting old prejudices tell him one thing, while the krogan people were trying to tell the galaxy another.

“Is that green?” Shepard gasped, leaning forward to see out of the window. “Plants still grow here?”

“You are looking at hope - all that’s left of it on Tuchanka,” Eve told him quietly. “This world was once a thing of beauty, and it can be again, given the chance.”

Wrex was quiet for a moment, brow slightly furrowed as he took in the structures laced with green vines and leaves. Kaidan wondered what he was seeing, what he was remembering - he wasn’t sure exactly how old Wrex was, but he must have been old enough to remember a time when Tuchanka was beautiful. It pulled at his heart to imagine what that must feel like.

Shepard clapped Wrex’s shoulder twice. “Let’s deal with that Reaper first,” he suggested, smiling lopsidedly. “Then we can worry about revitalizing your whole race.”

Wrex snorted, nudging him with his elbow and nearly knocking him back a step. “Right.”

“Uh, Wrex,” came the driver’s voice, sounding a little nervous.

“What?” Wrex huffed, narrowing his eyes at him.

Before he could answer, another tremor shook their vehicle, more violent than before. Instead of petering off after a few seconds, it instead grew in intensity, until the very walls seemed to be rattling underneath the assault. Kaidan glanced over his shoulder out of the back window, and nearly pissed himself when he saw a serpentine form arching out of the sand, thick ridges scarred and weathered.

“Jesus Christ!”

“Kalros!” Wrex cried, hauling himself to his feet and shouting order into the ear of the driver. “Step on it! Go!”

Shepard got to his feet, cocking his weapon, and Wrex whirled to stare at him incredulously.

“What are you gonna do, shoot it, dumbass?!” he barked. “We keep heading for the Shroud, and try to shake this thing before it takes us out!”

Shepard did not like being helpless. Kaidan knew this for a fact. So, he wasn’t surprised when Shepard looked a bit like a floundering fish, his mouth open and his head whipping back and forth like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Even worse, Kaidan wasn’t really sure, either. He held on tight to the handle near the door, grimacing as the constant rattling made him bite his tongue a couple of times and seemed to shake up his brain inside his head. That would be fun to deal with later.

“Fuck!” shouted the driver, just before Kaidan got an odd swooping sensation in his stomach, like when one jumps off of something from a great height. One moment the view ahead was broken road, leading them to the Shroud and the towering Reaper in the distance. The next it was all sky, and then everything was upside down, Kaidan and the rest rattling around inside of the confined vehicle. Kalros had caught up to them, and one of her ridges had launched them into the air. The rover spun twice in the air before hitting the ground, where it rolled a couple more times before skidding to a stop. Kaidan landed flat on his back, gasping as the wind was knocked out of him. He recovered after a moment, grimacing as he pushed himself up to sit in a rover that was now completely upside down; he was resting on the ceiling, technically.

“Nngh,” Shepard groaned, rubbing his neck with a pained grimace. “Everyone alright?”

They all sounded off, Mordin swiftly checking Eve for injuries and finding none but a small cut above her eye. She wiped away the blood, staining the fabric of her glove but paying it no mind, and the group of them crawled out of the downed rover.

One of the other vehicles from their convoy skidded to a halt beside them, the hatch already open and ready to haul them inside. Wrex waved Eve inside first, the krogan inside taking both of her hands and pulling her up and in. Next went Mordin, then Shepard pushed Kaidan to follow after him. Kaidan didn’t waste his breath, arguing, pulling himself up as quickly as he could. The ground trembled, and the he looked over with a low curse to see Kalros approaching once more. She wasn’t chasing them, though; she was after another vehicle from the convoy, the one that had brought up the rear. Wreav was inside.

“We can’t wait,” Wrex said sharply, though his eyes were tense as he watched the chase. “Let’s move, while it’s distracted!”

They did, closing the hatch and taking off and leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. Through the rear they could see Kalros steadily gaining, and then overtaking Wreav’s vehicle, diving on it and swallowing it whole before burrowing back into the dunes. Wrex clenched his jaw, shaking his head once and grunting low in his chest before turning to face forward again.

“He was a pain in the ass, anyway.”

* * *

Kaidan had seen a Reaper up close before, even been inside one, for god’s sake. A downed Reaper was nothing compared to a live one, towering above with it’s spindly legs dug into the earth, angry red eye searching for a target. He looked over at John, his eyebrows nearly to the top of his forehead.

“Now what?”

Shepard grimaced. “I…am still working on it.”

“I have an idea,” said Eve, turning to face them. “Risky, but it will work. Kalros.”

“Kalros?” Wrex repeated with a scoff.

“Yes,” Eve nodded, giving him a look. “We summon her to the Reaper.”

Shepard looked at her like she’d grown another head. “I’m sorry? We just fucking got rid of that thing!”

“No, no, could work!” Mordin insisted, his eyes flitting between the Reaper and the Shroud in the distance, a wide open field before them with plenty of space to get blasted to pieces by a laser. “Distract Reaper long enough, draw away from Shroud. Dispense cure.”

Shepard took a heavy breath, passing a hand over his mouth as he surveyed the battlefield as well. “Are we even sure that will work?”

“No,” Eve said evenly. “But nothing is certain. Not with these stakes.”

Kaidan chewed his lip, shrugging when John met his eyes, questioning. Looking for input. “It’s…I can’t think of any better suggestions,” Kaidan admitted with a short, helpless laugh.

After passing his tongue underneath his top lip, Shepard snorted, straightening up and throwing up his hands. “Yeah, sure. Fuck it. Let’s fucking do it.”

Wrex clapped his back hard, and the group of them checked their ammo. “Shepard and Alenko will come with me to summon Kalros,” he ordered. “Eve, stay behind with Mordin.” He paused. “…please.” It looked like the word had physically pained him.

Eve’s veil covered her mouth, but Kaidan swore he could see the twinkle of a smirk in her eyes. “I will. Be safe, all of you.”


	45. Chapter 45

Shepard would not appreciate being called ‘twitchy,’ but Kaidan had no other word for the shiftiness in his eyes, the restlessness in his fingers, as they approached the arena. Eve and Mordin headed in the opposite direction; the laboratory where the cure could be synthesized was nearby, and they planned to make good use of Kalros being distracted.

“So, what? We just start screaming and waving our arms around until she comes?” Shepard drawled, his eyes and fingers still very much twitchy.

Wrex snorted. “No. We have to ring the Maw Hammers, on either side of the arena. That will summon her, and hopefully distract the Reaper. If not, well…we’re worm food.”

“Great,” Shepard deadpanned.

They made it a couple of steps inside the arena proper before they were under fire. Reaper forces were definitely thicker the closer they got to the shroud, and Kaidan practically felt himself shrinking as they drew dangerously near to the Reaper. It either didn’t notice them, or had decided that it’s forces would take care of them for now, because it didn’t turn their way. Little miracles, Kaidan supposed dryly, as he took out enemies as quickly as he could manage. Whatever slack Kaidan and Shepard left, Wrex picked it right up, firing his shotgun with one hand and tossing rachni aside biotically with the other. Kaidan wasn’t sure why he never used his biotics; he was obviously proficient with them. Maybe it was a Krogan thing.

Kaidan really needed to stop musing during firefights, he scolded himself, as a bullet he should have been able to dodge scraped his armor.

“Push up the stairs!” Shepard shouted over the din. “Get to higher ground!”

“Got it!”

Wrex roared and broke into a sprint, shoulder checking enemies out of the way and shooting the ones that he missed. The path he forged was just wide enough for Shepard to follow close behind, walking backward to cover their asses as they ascended to the upper level. They emerged into the arena itself, a circular platform surrounded on all sides by statues of krogan forms and, on either side, two large, intricate boxes with gongs on the inside.

“Those are the hammers!” Wrex shouted. “I’ll get one, you two get the other!”

“We shouldn’t split up!” Shepard argued.

“The faster we get this done the faster we - shit!”

“Oh, fuck!”

Kaidan had half a second to look up and register three things: the Reaper was no facing right toward them, it was suddenly extremely close, and a red beam of energy was splitting a path in the ground and heading their way. In the next half second, a rough hand snatched the back of his armor and chucked him so hard he skid across the concrete floor of the arena.

The floor burst apart in a shower of rubble and dust, a fissure left down it’s middle a moment later. The ground began to tremble, and it took Kaidan a moment to realize it was because the Reaper was now walking toward them, it’s terrible, spidery limbs digging into the dirt and seeming to shake the very planet with each step.

“Alright, I changed my mind!” Shepard shouted. “I like your plan, Wrex!”

Wrex barked half a laugh, half a snarl. “Move it, then! Now’s our best chance!”

Wrex dashed off to the right, while Kaidan and Shepard took the left. It was a rough go, a game of swerving and vaulting over slabs of concrete and avoiding slipping in the crevices left by splintering tiles. Suddenly, the sun overhead was blocked out, and the pair of them looked up just in time to see one of the Reaper’s enormous legs surging downward. They scrambled back, and it buried itself deeply into the ground where they had just been standing, pelting their armor and visors with dirt and rock. Unable to take a second even to swear in alarm, they dodged, John taking right and Kaidan the left, and met up again on the other side. Still in unison, reading each other’s movements without a word or a look, they pelted toward the hammer.

The Reaper seemed to understand their intent and was hellbent on stopped them, digging another of it’s legs into the stairs leading up to the hammer’s platform. Shepard snarled and veered left, leaping up onto a pile of rubble and running upward and around the limb, somehow finding sure footing and not slipping once. Kaidan watched with his heart hammering as John leapt off of, landing in a tuck and roll and springing to his feet in front of the hammer. With a heavy jab of the butt of his rifle he activated it, the resultant noise enough to rattle the arena itself. Wrex’s hammer sounded only seconds later, though they couldn’t see him around the stabbing of the Reaper’s legs and the piles of rubble.

No sooner had the vibrations ended that they began again, but from farther away. Shepard grit his teeth, shoving Kaidan back down what was left of the short staircase. “Go, go, out of the way!”

Kaidan ran as quickly as his feet would carry him without tripping onto his face, although that became much more difficult as the ground seemed to be rippling beneath them with how much it shook. Suddenly, they had no more time to run as Kalros burst forth from beneath the ground, arching high in the sky and blotting out the hot Tuchanka sun. The Reaper turned toward her, but it was too slow, it’s height and mass so that it moved like molasses where Kalros was swift. She dove on it, her teeth digging into it’s plating and tearing it apart, tossing debris and sending it skidding in the dirt. Once it’s inner workings were exposed she struck again, tearing it apart from the inside out before plunging it into the ground, burrowing underneath the surface once more with the Reaper in her grasp.

All at once the awful screeching and roaring came to an end, and the vibrations slowly faded the further Kalros traveled. Kaidan hadn’t realized he had his hands over his ears and his eyes squeezed tight until it had all ended, his very skin tingling and a faint ache behind his eyes. He lowered them slowly, squinting reflexively even as his visor kept his eyes protected from the billowing clouds of dust left in the wake of the battle. Shepard laughed almost hysterically beside him.

“Holy shit!” he cried. “Did you fucking see that?”

“Hard to miss,” Wrex snorted. “We need to get moving. Eve and the salarian will have that cure almost ready to go.”

Shepard nodded, literally shaking off how jumped up he seemed to be as he rolled his neck and shook out his arms. “Alright, let’s go. We on foot?”

“Looks like it,” Kaidan nodded, holstering his weapon. “We’ll have an easier time without that Reaper around, that’s for sure.” He squinted into the distance, grimacing as he saw billowing columns of black smoke leaking from the Shroud’s spire. “Shit, we need to book it, though. That thing’s taken a lot of damage, it might not hold.”

“Go, then!” Wrex barked, already breaking into a run and shoving them both. “We’re dispersing that cure, no matter what!”

* * *

It was as bad as Kaidan feared. The Shroud had taken such damage that it was beginning to combust on the inside, windows blowing out along it’s length as whatever technology was inside overloaded from the strain. The three of them came upon Mordin, furiously clacking away at a console just outside the spire. Beside him was Eve, looking exhausted and leaning back against a bit of rubble to steady herself.

“You okay?” Shepard asked tensely, frowning at her.

“Cure synthesis traumatic,” Mordin grimaced. “Will need to get Eve to safety.”

“I’ll take her,” Wrex volunteered, holding out a hand for her. Instead of ignoring it, this time, Eve slowly placed her hand in his and allowed him to pull her onto unsteady feet. “Mordin,” Wrex continued, turning to fix the doctor with a serious look. After a moment of the two of them just staring at each other, Wrex reached out, clapping his back twice, hard enough to make him stumble. “Thank you. Get it done.”

Mordin looked at him quizzically for another moment, before the corner of his mouth lifted and he nodded curtly. “Of course.”

Wrex grunted in acknowledgment, before carefully taking hold of one of Eve’s arms. “Alright, let’s go.”

She simply made a soft noise in return, clearly nauseous and about dead on her feet. Wrex ushered her off, leaving Kaidan, Shepard, and Mordin in the collapsing remains of the Shroud.

“Is the cure ready to disperse?” Kaidan asked, peering over Mordin’s shoulder as if he would have more than an inkling of what the fuck he was looking at.

“Yes,” Mordin told him assuredly. “Control room on top of tower. Will take elevator up.”

Shepard looked up at the Shroud, watched burning pieces of it sailing to the ground around them, some close enough to make them nervous. “You’re going up there?” he asked incredulously. “You can’t do that!”

“Yes,” Mordin repeated, looking unfazed by the debris. “Manual access required. Need to counter-act STG sabotage, ensure cure dispersed properly.”

“Mordin,” Kaidan said firmly, shaking his head. “That’s suicide. There has to be some other way.”

Mordin huffed through his nose, his patience clearly thinning the longer they spent arguing. “Remote access impossible! STG counter-measures in place! No time to adjust!” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and seemed to calm, his gaze steady as he opened them once more. “No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosion likely to be…problematic.”

He began to march toward the elevator, his stride sure and his head held high. Kaidan panicked.

“We can’t let you do this!” he called after him.

Mordin was not swayed, stepping onto the elevator and turning to face them with a content smile. “ _Need_ to do this,” he assured them, his tone more gentle. “My work, my research, my responsibility.”

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck agitatedly, looking to Shepard desperately for help. He paused when John just looked somber, a slight frown on his brow.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t find another way,” John said lowly, and Kaidan’s heart clenched.

As an explosion - larger than the others - shook the Shroud, Mordin smiled. “I’m not,” he said cheerfully. “Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

It was impossible to resist the urge to take a step forward, to reach out and try to stop it all, as the doors to the elevator slid closed. Kaidan watched as the lift ascended, his arm still outstretched, until Mordin disappeared from view. He only tore his eyes away as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“He made his decision,” Shepard told him quietly. “We need to get out of here, so it wasn’t in vain.”

Kaidan swallowed, his eyes burning as he allowed John to turn him away from the Shroud. It was a mess, now, more fire than structure. It was likely to blow any minute. He took a deep breath, and followed Shepard, both of them taking off at a sprint to escape. When a burst of heat, fire, and noise erupted behind them, he just ran faster and didn’t look back.

* * *

Dr. Mordin Solus’ plaque was placed on the Normandy’s memorial wall the following day, observed by the rest of the crew. Only Chakwas cried. It was hard to say if it was because they were so tired, or because Mordin had seemed so invincible. The deadly, mad scientist that could be found singing cheerfully to himself as he dissected his latest find, giving extremely uncomfortable human-turian-relations tips to Garrus when the latter thought no one was listening in. Kaidan could recall several evenings during their stint with Cerberus when Mordin had brought Miranda cups of coffee as they shared the same all-nighters. He was a man that had done wrong, done horrible things, in the name of what he thought was right. And when his eyes had cleared, he’d given everything he had to fix what he broke. And now, he was gone.

As was the Genophage.

A bittersweet ending, but triumphant in it’s own right, the krogan were no longer plagued by sterility. The cure had dispersed before the Shroud had been destroyed, and while they couldn’t be certain straight away, Kaidan trusted that Mordin had done his job right. Anyone else would have gotten it wrong, but not him. Wrex had stayed with Eve - or, Bakara, as Kaidan had learned was her true name - on Tuchanka to begin rebuilding their people. And just like that, the war effort had krogan support. Kaidan still couldn’t wrap his head around it. It had seemed like it would never come. And even so, there was so much left to do. God, he was fucking exhausted.

He rubbed his face, his eyes like sandpaper, and turned away from the wall of dead souls, shuffling into the elevator instead. When he entered the captain’s cabin, he was not surprised to find John already inside. He was out of his uniform, stretched out on his back on the large bed, staring up at the skylight. He didn’t make a move to acknowledge Kaidan other than to swivel his eyes toward him, and then up toward the colors racing by again. Kaidan kicked off his boots, and the other clunky bits of his uniform, before padding over to join him.

Crawling on carefully, instead of collapsing like he’d originally wanted to, Kaidan tucked himself up against John’s side, resting his cheek on his chest. He looked up, as well, watching the view with an odd, heavy feeling in his heart. It lightened slightly when a warm palm smoothed up his back and wound it’s fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

“I wish we could’ve done something,” he whispered eventually, because he had to. The words, the thoughts, the regrets were bubbling up in his chest and spilling from his mouth whether he liked it or not.

Shepard let out a long, quiet sigh through his nose, pressing a soft kiss to Kaidan’s forehead. “There was nothing we could do,” he murmured. “It was just the way it happened. There was nothing either of us could do.”

The assurances hearkened back to a conversation they’d had long ago, in that same cabin but an altogether different place. When Kaidan was still shaking when he looked in the mirror, when Shepard was still refusing to look him in the eye.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispered, his voice trembling.

Shepard held him tighter. “I love you, too.”


	46. Chapter 46

The coffee maker needed replacing.

Kaidan stared at the drip of bitter liquid, steady but, he could have sworn, slower than usual. He narrowed his eyes at it, a twitch brought on by sleep deprivation in the corner of one of them. He took a deep breath before he could fulfill the urge to slam a hand on the counter or knock himself on the head in frustration, pushing away the counter instead and slowly pacing. Shepard had been gone when he woke, always up at least an hour before him, and that had left him feeling off center. There was an itch underneath his skin, one he wasn’t sure how to scratch, so he just continued wearing a path into the floor.

“Kaidan.”

He looked up, smiling weakly when he saw John approaching, his hairline still a bit damp from his workout. “Hey. There you are.”

“Here I am. You okay?” Shepard asked, looking him slowly up and down. “You look tense.”

“Fine,” Kaidan sighed, passing a hand over his mouth. The coffee finally tapered off, and he poured a large mug so quickly droplets splashed onto the counter. “Just tired, I guess. Didn’t sleep great.”

He couldn’t help almost falling backward as Shepard wrapped his arms around him from behind, his chest pressing against Kaidan’s shoulder blades and his chin hooking over his shoulder. It was all Kaidan could do not to fall asleep right there on his feet, closing his eyes as Shepard kissed his cheek a few times in soft succession.

“Shep-oh. Uh, sorry. My bad.”

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder with a frown, Shepard’s arms falling from around his waist. Vega stood there sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Sorry, sir,” he repeated, though Kaidan wasn’t sure which of them he was addressing. Maybe both. “Traynor asked me to come get you, Shepard. We’ve got a distress call.”

“What else is new,” Shepard sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. “Lead the way, Lieutenant. Coming, Kaidan?”

Kaidan nodded, sipping his mug of coffee black as he followed behind.

The CIC was bustling, but in the quiet way that it was always bustling. Soft, quick conversations, the clatter of buttons and the dull clunking of boots on the floor. The three of them had to dodge bodies as they went, personnel all on their way to different places, vital information clutched in their hands or hanging inside of their brains. Things were picking up, now that krogan support was on the table. Kaidan could feel it in the air, prickling his skin like a biotic charge.

Vega broke away from them once they arrived, making his way toward the cockpit. Kaidan wondered briefly if he was sitting in the co-pilot’s chair now that Kaidan was otherwise occupied. It made his heart twist a bit, an odd longing for simpler days. As simple as chasing a rogue Spectre with a geth army could be.

“Traynor,” Shepard called curtly, approaching the specialist’s turned back as she stared at something on her monitor.

Sam glanced over her shoulder, lifting her hand into a snappy salute when she saw Kaidan. “Shepard. Major.”

“At ease, Specialist, I’ve told you,” Kaidan smiled, though it was a tired thing around the lip of his mug.

“Right.” She dropped her hand, still quite crisp with her heels pressed together. “Sorry. I have a message. A distress call.”

“From?” Shepard prompted.

She grimaced, the corner of her mouth crinkling up and her eyes shifting between their faces. “A group of Cerberus scientists. Well, ex-Cerberus. Hence the distress.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. “They defected? Are they in trouble?”

“Yes, from the sounds of it.” Traynor turned back toward her monitor, pulling up the message for them to skim. “They’re holed up in a supply depot on Gellix, in the Arrae system. There aren’t many more details than that, but they’re apparently mostly top-level scientists. High priority, will probably have a sizable squad dispatched to retrieve them. We’ll have our work cut out for us, if we decide to pursue.”

“Fun,” Shepard murmured, frowning deeply as he squinted at the screen. “They don’t say how many of them there are. We’ve got no information. This is a real gamble, especially if we’re risking our necks Cerberus people.”

“Ex-Cerberus,” Kaidan corrected. “Just like us.”

Shepard pursed his lips, releasing a sharp breath through his nose. “That’s different.”

Kaidan looked at him, raising one eyebrow. “Is it?”

John met his eyes for a moment, then grunted low in his chest. “Nngh. Fine. Set a course for Gellix, then, Traynor.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll let Joker know straight away.”

As she lifted her wrist to her mouth, relaying the message to Joker over her omni-tool, they turned away and headed right back out the way they came. Shepard was running his hand back and forth over the back of his head, in that way that Kaidan was sure was a nervous tic he’d picked up from the pair of them spending far too much time together.

“How can we be sure this isn’t bullshit?” Shepard asked eventually, not looking at Kaidan but obviously directing the question toward him. “The Illusive Man has conjured up fake distress calls before, this is his fucking M.O. at this point.”

Kaidan nodded slowly, unable to really argue with that. “Yeah. But if it’s not fake, we’ll regret not investigating, John.”

Shepard rubbed his face irritably. “Yeah, I guess. Better not be-”

“Shepard.”

They both looked up to see Garrus approaching, his hands still greasy from working in the gun battery. He looked tense, his eyes hard.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted him, frowning. “What’s up?”

“I have to go,” Garrus told him. “At least, I think I should.”

“What? No,” Shepard scoffed, shaking his head. “You can’t go, Vakarian, we need you.”

Garrus sighed heavily. “I know, and I want to stay. But it’s Miranda,” he said.

Kaidan blinked hard. “Miranda? You heard from her?”

“First time in months,” he admitted. “She asked for my help, and…I don’t think I know how to tell her no. Even if I wanted to.”

Shepard scoffed, but nodded, putting his hands on his hips. “Yeah. I definitely get that.” He passed his tongue underneath his top lip, giving Garrus a long look. “…alright. You should go, then. Just keep in contact, alright? And come back as soon as you can.”

“Of course,” Garrus smiled. “At least I know Kaidan will keep an eye on your ass while I’m gone. Can’t have you doing anything stupid. Well…stupider than usual.”

Shepard smirked as Kaidan snorted quietly. “Funny.”

“Did she say anything else?” Kaidan asked worriedly. He hadn’t heard from Miranda himself since he’d been in the hospital. And with her defecting from Cerberus and basically handing the Alliance the Illusive Man’s ass on a platter, he feared she was probably in danger.

Garrus hummed negatively in his throat, shaking his head. “No. I’m sorry. If I can get a hold of you while I’m…wherever she is, I’ll let you know. Promise.”

Kaidan smiled slightly, clapping his shoulder. “Thanks, Garrus.”

“When you taking off?” Shepard asked, crossing his arms tightly. Anyone that didn’t know him wouldn’t notice the slight crinkling above the bridge of his nose, betraying his worry.

“Tonight,” Garrus told him, nudging him fondly as the crinkle deepened. “Don’t give me that face.”

“I’m not giving you a face.”

Kaidan smiled, shaking his head as he listened to them bicker and rag on each other, though it fell as quickly as it had come. It eased his mind to know that Garrus would be going after Miranda - if there was anyone who could be trusted to find her, it was definitely him - but he couldn’t help the sick pit in his stomach. Cerberus, the Illusive Man, were not to be messed with, and Miranda was all on her own. Strength could only get one so far. He’d learned that the hard way. He hoped Garrus found her fast.

When they next docked for fuel in preparation for their journey to Gellix, Garrus “borrowed” a shuttle and set off. Kaidan could tell John was anxious watching him leave, could see it in the way he ground his teeth together and picked at his inflamed cuticles with bitten nails. But he didn’t call Garrus back, and he didn’t try to go with him, however much he may have itched to do so. Kaidan linked their arms and kissed his shoulder, knowing how it felt to watch someone you loved go off to do something they may not come back from. He’d done it so often he felt raw from it, flayed down to the bone, tired and shaking from the effort of holding it all upon his shoulders.

The Normandy left the port, and John and Kaidan tried to rest while they could.

* * *

After getting into his armor in preparation for landing, Kaidan found Shepard already in the cargo bay, chatting with Cortez. He was about to approach, then paused when he saw that Steve’s eyes were a bit shiny, and Shepard was squeezing his shoulder in his signature, gruffly affectionate way. Kaidan stayed put until Steve had straightened up a bit, smiling weakly and nodding as he murmured something to Shepard, and then turned away.

“Hey,” Kaidan said quietly as John spotted him and approached. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, just talking to Steve about some stuff,” he assured him.

“He alright?”

“He will be,” Shepard sighed, lowering his voice a bit. “Lost his husband in the Reaper invasion. Figured I could…I dunno. Talk to him about it. Advise him not to drink about it, for one.”

Kaidan smiled sadly, kissing his cheek as softly as he could. “Poor Steve, though.”

“He’ll be alright,” Shepard repeated, though he watched Steve’s back as he prepared their shuttle for landing on Gellix. “Spends too much time down here, though. His only company is Vega. I can only imagine the headaches.”

Kaidan laughed quietly, nodding. “Maybe we can harass him into some shore leave.”

“Maybe. Anyway.” Shepard inclined his chin toward him. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah. Have we heard anything more about this mission? How many scientists there are, Cerberus troops?” Kaidan asked, following him into the shuttle.

As they lowered themselves into seats opposite each other, Shepard shook his head with a negative grunt. “No. Only that an unknown number of hostiles have already landed. We’ll be going in hot.”

“Great.”

Steve crawled into the shuttle a minute later, no betrayal of his earlier emotion on his face save for his slightly puffy eyes.

“Major,” he greeted when he saw Kaidan, saluting briefly with an understated smile before looking between them both. “We ready to take off?”

“All set,” Shepard assured him. “Get us down there.”

Cortez took his seat, easing them out of the cargo bay and steadily down to the supply depot. The ride was smooth and quiet, save for a bit of rattling caused by Gellix’s gentle wind and snowfall. Somehow, the calm and quiet made Kaidan more anxious than he normally was before a mission. He drummed his fingers on his knee, and huffed a soft laugh through his nose when Shepard took his hand to make him stop.

“Heh. Sorry.”

Shepard just smirked fondly and squeezed.

“We’ve got radio chatter from a Cerberus squad,” Cortez called over his shoulder, nodding toward his radio when Shepard peered over his shoulder. “They’re engaging the scientists.”

“Fuck’s sake,” Shepard grunted, scowling bitterly. “They’re fucking civilians.”

“Defectors,” Kaidan corrected quietly. “Illusive Man doesn’t like that.”

“Bet he won’t like it when I chop his dick off and shove it down his throat, either.”

Kaidan shook his head at him, not missing how Steve bit his lips to keep from laughing. “Charming, John, really.”

Shepard sent him a wicked grin. “You know me. Big on the visuals.”

“You’re an ass, is what you are.”

Finally they broke through the heavy cloud cover above Gellix’s service, and their first site was a dotting of Cerberus white and black. There were certainly more soldiers than Kaidan was expecting. He agreed with Sam’s assessment that the scientists would be high priority, but he’d still expected something more like an elite retrieval team, rather than multiple squads. Shepard swore under his breath, as if in agreement with his thoughts.

“Drop us close and we’ll jump,” Shepard instructed, clapping Steve’s shoulder with a swift palm. “Then get the hell out of here, and stand by in case we need backup.”

“Yes, sir.”

The LZ was crawling, so Steve hovered above, just close enough that they wouldn’t break their ankles from the jump. Shepard leapt first, and Kaidan followed, both of them landing heavily on their boots with weapons at the ready. The Cerberus troops were advancing on the facility, opening fire on a small group of individuals dressed in Cerberus armor - the defectors, though they didn’t look like scientists.

“Guess there are some soldiers in their ranks!” Kaidan noted, raising his voice to be heard over gunfire as a few of the soldiers noticed them and attacked.

“Looks like it!”

They pushed forward, picking off Cerberus forces and getting slowly closer to the defectors. They had the element of surprise, for now, and they took full advantage before the tides could turn. When the last soldier fell, they jogged to check for injuries.

“Anyone hit?” Kaidan asked, grimacing as he realized belatedly that all but one were dead. His eyebrows rose when he caught sight of one of the last man, alive but slumped on the ground and clutching a wound in his side. “Jacob?”

Jacob Taylor stared back at him, panting slightly. Then, he lifted his chin once in greeting. “Hey.”

Kaidan dropped to his knees beside him, pulling his hand away from the wound. “How bad is it?”

“I’ll live,” Jacob grunted through his teeth. “Wouldn’t hate some medi-gel, if I’m honest,” he added with a breathless laugh.

“You got it.”

As Kaidan patched Jacob up, Shepard kept an eye out, making sure reinforcements didn’t shoot them in the ass. Jacob sighed as his wound closed, sitting up a bit straighter.

“Thanks,” he said, flashing Kaidan a grateful smile. “You two have a real knack for showing up at exactly the right time.”

“That’s us,” Shepard drawled. “We’ve got a sixth sense for Cerberus bullshit. Speaking of - you’re one of the last people I expected to see here.”

Jacob scoffed, gritting his teeth as Kaidan helped him onto his feet. “Yeah. Well. Long story, there.”

The three of them paused as a muffled voice sounded from several feet away - a woman, calling for Jacob over his communicator that had skidded away from him in the battle.

Shepard scooped it up. “This is Shepard, with the Alliance. The enemy is clear, for now - open the door.”

“ _Is Jacob there?"_

Jacob nodded, though the woman the voice belonged to couldn’t see him. “I’m here. It’s alright, open the door.”

Behind them, the hiss of hydraulics sounded as the doors into the supply depot slowly parted. Past them stood a woman, wearing a Cerberus insignia, that stopped Kaidan’s heart. Her skin was warm, her eyes and hair nearly black, a thick and bumpy scar on her left elbow - a puncture wound. She looked just as stricken, she and Kaidan staring at each other with their mouths hanging open like dead fish.

“Rahna,” Kaidan breathed.


	47. Chapter 47

“Holy fucking shit.”

Kaidan barely registered Shepard’s voice, still staring at Rahna like he’d seen a ghost. His first best friend, his first love, his first heartbreak. She’d hardly changed, just got a bit taller and had some lines around her mouth and eyes, her hair brushing her earlobes rather than her shoulders. There was also the Cerberus insignia on her chest.

“Uh. Do you two know each other?” Jacob asked slowly, his eyes wide as they swiveled between Kaidan and Rahna.

Rahna blinked, straightening up as if waking from a dream. “I…yes,” she murmured, still awestruck. “We were kids together. He was at BAaT with me.”

Kaidan swallowed around his dry throat, though when he opened his mouth again he still had no sense of coherency. “I…um.”

Before he could get another word out Rahna took three long strides toward him, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him tightly. “Kaidan!” she laughed, a bit shakily.

He froze, then choked on his own quiet laugh as he squeezed her back. “Hey, Rahna.”

She pulled back to look at him, and he did the same, taking in everything about her that was the same, and everything that was different. He wondered if she remembered enough about him to realize his eyes were a different color. To be fair, he was surprised she recognized his face at all.

Rahna dropped her arms from around his neck before he could cough up something to say, turning toward Jacob with a worried frown. “You’re bleeding,” she murmured, reaching to pull his hand away from where he still cupped it over his plugged wound.

“I’m alright,” he promised her, his voice just as soft. Kaidan watched as he laid his hand over hers, his thumb brushing gently over her knuckles.

Oh.

“We should get inside,” Shepard suggested, though his eyes were trained on Kaidan, his gaze so searching it rose the hairs on the back of his neck. “We’re sitting ducks out here.”

Rahna nodded, taking Jacob’s arm and draping it over her shoulder. As she helped him to walk her palm flattened over the blood soaked patch of his armor, a protective and worrying gesture. Kaidan couldn’t help just fucking staring at them as they limped on ahead.

“I’m going to take him to get this looked at,” Rahna told them, looking over her shoulder. Her eyes held Kaidan’s for a long moment, before she seemed to force herself to look away and help Jacob further inside the facility.

Kaidan hovered near the entrance, still stunned as he watched them go. A storm seemed to rage inside of him, the friction of emotion crackling like lightning in his chest. He was shaken from it by a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped slightly as he looked into Shepard’s worried face.

“Kaidan,” he murmured, and Kaidan really didn’t like that tone. Like John thought he was suddenly fragile. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan mumbled, the words coming out without him really thinking about it. “…no, I’m not,” he decided after a moment. “I…I don’t know. How I feel.”

“D’you need to leave?” John asked him lowly, and the lack of pity, lack of judgment, made the walls Kaidan had started to put up come right back down. “I can call in backup, and you can leave.”

After a long moment of deliberation, Kaidan shook his head slowly. “No. I…I think I need to talk to her, actually.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

Kaidan nodded again, this time more firmly. “Yeah. It’s…killed me, all these years, y’know? I just need to clear the air about everything.” He sounded a lot more confident than he felt, nearly nauseous from the flipping and twisting of his gut and racing of his heart.

Shepard sighed quietly, glancing toward the door into the infirmary, where Rahna and Jacob had disappeared. “Alright. Just let me know. And, good luck.”

The facility was quiet, but Kaidan could see personnel inside of it’s rooms as he ascended the stairs toward the infirmary, the defected scientists. They were silent, their eyes shifty as they hunched over monitors and other tech in the lab. He wondered what they were doing.

As he stepped inside the infirmary he found Rahna, a shirtless Jacob in front of her as she carefully patted him down methodically. In search of fractures, Kaidan noted. Made sense that she’d have some medical training. She certainly had the heart for it. Or, she had. The fact that Rahna, of all people, was aligned with Cerberus was making his head spin.

She seemed to feel his gaze as he just stared at her without announcing himself, looking up and blinking at him as they locked eyes. “Kaidan,” she said, and then paused when he did nothing but nod once in response. After another moment she turned back to Jacob, cupping his cheeks in her hands. “Will you be alright for a minute?”

He smiled crookedly up at her. “I told you already I’m alright. Don’t worry.”

“With you, that’s easier said than done,” she smirked. She placed a quick kiss between his eyes, and then gestured Kaidan toward the door with an incline of her head. He followed her out.

They found an unoccupied room, with rows of shelves holding nondescript boxes of varying sizes. Kaidan closed the door behind them, and then it was silent, and the two of them resumed their previous staring contest. The confined space inside the room forced them to stand quite close.

“It’s good to see you,” Rahna said eventually, the corners of her mouth lifting into a small smile. “You look so different.”

“Yeah, well. Got old. Got brought back to life. All of the above,” Kaidan joked weakly, passing his palm over his implant site nervously. “You’ve hardly changed at all.”

“I don’t know about that, but thanks.” More silence. “This is weird.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the quiet laugh as he nodded in agreement. “Yeah. It is really, really weird.”

She giggled quietly herself, her shoulders coming down from where they’d been hunched near her ears. Her expression softened. “Listen. I know we were kids, but-”

“Don’t,” Kaidan grimaced, putting up a hand.

“But it wasn’t fair. Any of it,” she told him. “I was so stupid, back then.”

“You weren’t stupid, you were afraid.”

“Of you?” she scoffed, shaking her head, her eyes on the ground as she frowned to herself. “Why was I ever afraid of _you_?”

“Because I killed a man right in front of you,” Kaidan told her blankly.

“It wasn’t as simple as I made it in my head,” she argued. “I just…had you on a pedestal. Didn’t want to believe that even you couldn’t escape killing people. I wanted to believe one of us could.”

Kaidan let out a huff of air through his nose, the entire conversation making him want to crawl out of his fucking skin. This was a bad idea. “You knew I was going military right after BAaT, why would you think I wasn’t ever going to kill anyone?”

“Because I was sixteen and scared and I didn’t want to be there,” she told him insistently, though she didn’t rise to the tension in his voice. “I never wanted any of it. At least you had planned to enlist anyway, ever since you were little. I just wanted to be a damn doctor. I didn’t want to have to…” She trailed off, wrapping her arms around herself.

He nodded, rubbing his hand over the back of his head again. “I know.”

It was quiet for another long minute. “Like I said,” Rahna murmured eventually. “It was unfair of me. And after everything got shut down, I thought about contacting you, but I didn’t know what to say. I should have. I knew you weren’t okay.”

“I was fine.”

“Well we both know that’s a lie,” she told him bluntly. “I heard things.”

Kaidan tried to play dumb. “Like what?”

The corner of Rahna’s mouth twitched. “Something about the…vorcha mafia?”

He tried to keep his expression as cool as he could. “That…it’s a long story,” he said eventually, unable to help the small smile as she snorted.

“I’m sure it is.” Rahna rubbed her palms over own arms, like she was cold, but Kaidan remembered it as a nervous tic she’d had as a kid. Hadn’t grown out of it, apparently. “Even if you don’t want to hear it, I’m sorry. For everything. For how I acted, for the years that followed. For not being brave enough until you’d died to reach out.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose. “Until I’d died?”

She avoided his eyes. “I… sent flowers to the funeral.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Did you - know, that I was the subject of Project Lazarus?”

Rahna shook her head. “I didn’t even know what the project entailed, Kaidan, I swear. The only people that knew any details were the Illusive Man’s inner circle. Everyone else was completely in the dark. But since leaving, I’ve read up on some things.”

“Speaking of which,” Kaidan said, quirking an eyebrow at her. “The hell you doing with Cerberus? Don’t you know what they do?”

She sighed quietly, leaning back against the wall with her arms folded across her chest. “I won’t pretend to have been completely ignorant,” she admitted. “But I wasn’t privy to much information other than surface-level reports. I’m just a doctor.”

“Still. Why not the Alliance?” Kaidan pressed. “Why these people?”

“From what I’ve heard, I could ask you the same question.”

He paused, opening his mouth but no sound coming out for a moment. She was right, of course, to an extent. He still felt the need to defend himself. “That was out of necessity.”

“Whatever information you have on the military level about Cerberus, I never did,” Rahna told him. “I’ve been a civilian my entire life since leaving BAaT. I didn’t know. But, now I do, and now I’ve left.”

Kaidan chewed the inside of his lip, considering her for a moment. “…hadn’t really thought of it like that,” he admitted, smiling sheepishly. “To be fair, I did just get my whole world rocked.”

She snorted, reaching to nudge him playfully on the chest. “I can relate.” Another long pause, as they tried to remember how to talk to each other. “Do you still get the migraines?”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I’m on meds, though, so they’re not as bad.”

“Good,” she smiled.

“You still get the nosebleeds?”

She laughed quietly. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I used my biotics,” she admitted, her smile slowly falling. “Sometimes I feel like I’m…betraying all of us - the Jump Zero kids - by pretending like I don’t have them,” she murmured, looking down into one of her open palms. “Sometimes when I get upset I flare up, but I never use them on purpose.”

“They hurt you,” Kaidan told her quietly. “No one can expect you to endure that unwillingly.”

Rahna nodded, though she didn’t look convinced. “I know. It just feels like I could be helping more people if I’d just sucked it up and learned to use them in combat.”

“Hey.” He laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezing tightly. “Don’t think like that. You do help people, you’re a doctor. We need more good ones.”

She smiled slightly. “Didn’t think Kaidan Alenko would ever say anything positive about a doctor.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, well. I’ve met a couple decent ones since we last talked.” He let his hand drop. “So. Don’t feel like you need to use your biotics. No one’s mad at you. I’m certainly not.”

“Thanks,” she murmured, reaching to squeeze his arm. She was still just as gentle. “Jacob’s biotic, too, so he gets it. Kind of. No one really knows what it’s like to be an L2.”

Kaidan grunted quietly in agreement. “No. Jacob’s a good guy, though. Got to know him when I was on the Collector mission.”

“Yeah, he mentioned that,” she said.

“Didn’t mention to him that you knew me?” Kaidan asked, only half playfully.

She grimaced, looking away from his eyes again. “It was…hard to know what to say. A lot of complicated feelings. Mostly guilt. I didn’t really want to get into it.”

Kaidan could definitely understand that, the slight rise of his hackles lowering at once. “You don’t have to feel guilty, Rahna. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I still hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me. Vyrnnus hurt me,” he told her firmly. “You were a victim, and then you were afraid. A kid. Vyrnnus was the asshole.”

She hugged him, then, tightly and around his neck again. He squeezed her back, the weight on his shoulders a little lighter.

“Can we put it behind us, now?” she asked quietly, her voice muffled into his shoulder.

He nodded, holder her just a bit tighter. “Yeah.”

Rahna pulled back, smiling widely up at him. “Okay.” She stepped away, clearing her throat and straightening up her shirt again, discreetly wiping at her eyes. “I should go check up on Jacob.”

Kaidan smirked, unable to help waggling his eyebrows at her. “Jacob, huh?”

“Stop,” she told him flatly, though her smile betrayed her. “Don’t start.”

“Just asking. He’s a good guy.”

“He is. Are you seeing anyone?” she asked as they made their way back out of the storage room.

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, laughing a bit. “Um, Shepard, actually.”

She blinked at him over her shoulder. “Shepard? Like, Shepard, Shepard?”

“Yeah.”

She grinned, looking forward again. “Well. Someone upgraded.”

“Shut up,” he laughed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t even.”

“Just saying. Who are you dating, Kaidan? Oh, no one, just the Savior of the Citadel. It’s casual.”

Kaidan snickered, his cheeks turning pink. “Look, the titles sound impressive, but he’s actually a major dork. Don’t let him fool you.”

“Hm, I’ll believe it when I see it. He always looks so serious,” she joked, doing a pretty good impression of Shepard’s signature scowl.

“Who looks serious?”

The pair of them entered the infirmary to find Shepard speaking with Jacob, who was still sitting and resting on the table Rahna had left him on. He looked rough still, despite the patch job, his smiles forced around a tight grimace.

“No one,” Kaidan told Shepard with a playful grin. “We’re just making fun of you.”

Shepard narrowed his eyes at him, reaching to swipe at his hair. Kaidan dodged and stepped back, giving him a warning look.

“Hey, you want a handful of gel? Be my guest.”

“You’re the only asshole in the goddamn military that wears gel on non-regulation hair under his helmet,” Shepard retorted, grinning when Kaidan’s jaw dropped indignantly. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“His hair’s always been like that,” Rahna smirked, inspecting Jacob’s wound to ensure it had healed properly. “He insists it’s static electricity, but he really spends half an hour on it just to smash it under a helmet.”

“Anyway,” Kaidan said loudly, unable to help being amused as Shepard and Rahna both snickered at him. “Any action while we were gone, Jacob?”

“Not that I’ve heard,” he said, his own mouth quirked fondly before becoming stoic once more. “We’ve got an ear on radio chatter. Seems like Cerberus’ guys are still regrouping.”

Shepard grunted, his eyes flitting toward the door they’d entered from. “They’ll be back. The Illusive Man’s a tenacious bastard, and he doesn’t take kindly to losing assets.”

Almost as if on cue, the floor and walls trembled, the muffled sound of explosions sounding past the door.

“Shit.”

“Time to evac,” Kaidan declared tensely. “Now.”

“We need the AA guns on the roof back online,” Jacob told them, pushing himself up to sit with a grimace. “They’ll just blow us out of the sky, otherwise.”

Rahna frowned, pressing a palm on his chest and laying him right back down. “And where do you think you’re going?”

He gave her a hard look. “Rahna, I need to do this. I’m supposed to be protecting all of you.”

“You’re injured. You’ll slow us down,” Shepard told him bluntly. “Stay here and let us handle it.”

Jacob didn’t appear to like that one fucking bit, but he did stop trying to sit up. With a resigned huff he glanced at Rahna. “Could be the network link.”

She nodded, kissing his cheek firmly. “I’ll go check.” She reached behind her, retrieving a gun off of the side table and pressing it into his hand. “Stay here, and be safe.”

Jacob breathed a soft laugh through his nose, the corner of his mouth lifting. “You know me. Always staying outta trouble.”

Rahna snorted quietly, kissing his lips this time, before pushing away from the table and heading straight for the door. “I’ll go check the link, and activate the evacuation warning.”

“We’ll come with you,” Kaidan replied, nodding to Shepard before following after her at a jog.

The three of them made their way briskly up to the second floor, Kaidan and Shepard actually having to work a bit to keep up with Rahna’s pace. They dodged personnel as they went, all of them frightened and shifty and certainly not battle ready. Some of them looked like they’d never even held a gun in their lives.

They reached a station on the second floor, with a large console and three monitors up above. Rahna fiddled with the controls, fingers flying, until a moment later a steady, pulsing alarm sounded overhead.

“There,” she sighed, watching as the scientists around them all looked up and began to murmur nervously. They began to leave their work stations, some of them calm while others broke into jogs or runs. “Hopefully there’s enough time for everyone to gather their families.”

“Families?” Kaidan repeated, turning to stare at her. “There are families here? Children?”

She grimaced, nodding. “Everyone that had people to bring, they did. We never imagined that we would be hunted like this, we thought we could…start a new life. Away from Cerberus.”

“Fuck’s sake,” Shepard muttered, running his fingers through his hair roughly. “There’s kids here? Are you people fucking insane?”

“Shepard,” Kaidan murmured, laying a hand on his arm. When Shepard grunted and relaxed, he continued, frowning at Rahna. “This evacuation will need to be very carefully executed.”

Rahna nodded, a nervous swallow the only thing that betrayed her fear. Her expression was otherwise schooled as she turned back to the console, murmuring to herself. “Shit,” she hissed quietly. “It’s not the network link. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t fix the guns from here. We need to go the roof.”

“We’ll go,” Kaidan corrected her. “You stay here.”

“No, I need to go with you,” she argued, glaring at him. “These are my people, I need to-”

“We’re gonna be under heavy fire up there,” he interrupted. “And you getting shot doesn’t help anyone. Stay here. I do still know a couple things about tech, if you remember.”

Rahna tried to stare him down, her eyes ablaze, but eventually gave up. She put her hands on her hips, shaking her head. “Fine. Fine. But I’ll walk you through it from here. The guns will need a manual override code; let me know when you get up there, and I’ll give it to you.”

“Okay,” Kaidan nodded. “You got a comm?”

She tapped her ear, smiling. “I’ll sync to your frequency.”

The ground trembled again, and their eyes each found the ceiling.

“We need to hurry,” said Shepard.

“Yeah.” Kaidan took a deep breath, smiling dryly at Rahna. “Hey. If you die right after we finally got to settle all of our drama, I’ll be really pissed.”

She scoffed, reaching to shove him with a hand on his chest. She was actually strong enough to make him stumble a bit, now. When they were kids, he’d just laugh as she didn’t even move him an inch.

“Good to see you don’t fight like a hamster anymore.”

“Get up there before I show you how un-hamsterlike I am, Kaidan,” she warned, smirking. “And, be careful.”

“Will do.”

Kaidan followed John out, taking the stairs up once more. The closer they got to the roof, the louder the sound of gunfire became. They reached a hatch down a narrow, darkened hallway, and climbed up the cramped ladder. Just before opening it, Shepard paused.

“Ready?”

“Ready when you are, handsome.”

Shepard snorted, and threw open the hatch door, the pair of them scrambling out and into the fray above.


	48. Chapter 48

“Alright, next time we’re planet side - we’re fucking bringing Williams!”

Kaidan snorted breathlessly in agreement with Shepard’s assessment, his back pressed up against cover as he reloaded his weapon. The roof was crawling and he wondered, not for the first time, how the hell Cerberus was always one step ahead of them.

“I’ll call Cortez to grab us backup!” he shouted into his comm, grimacing as he leaned out of cover to take out a couple of soldiers and then scramble right back again. “Preferably sooner than later!”

“Agreed!”

Kaidan fumbled as he called up Steve. “Cortez, we need backup!” he instructed. “On the double!”

“ _Yes, sir,_ ” Cortez replied. “ _On it, will keep you updated!_ ”

Once he’d disconnected, Kaidan took a couple deep breaths, trying to take a quick look and find Shepard. As soon as he moved even an inch out of cover, though, a bullet would ping off the concrete, inches from where he knelt. It was hard to even get a good lay of the land when he was pinned, but with the quick glimpse Kaidan could get he noted that the AA guns were on the opposite end of the roof, and would require some climbing to get to.

“Should we push?” he wondered aloud.

“No, we’ll get our asses shot off,” Shepard replied sharply. “Stay put until backup comes.”

“Fantastic.”

Just as Kaidan was beginning to wonder what the hell was taking Cortez so long, the gunfire in their direction thinned. He risked a glance out of cover and grinned when he saw that Steve had indeed brought them back up in the form of Ashley and Jack. Ashley stayed in the doorway of the shuttle, using the long range of her rifle to her advantage as she picked off the soldiers closest to Kaidan and John. Jack leapt from the vehicle, her body lit up with a soft blue and her hands appearing to be lit with a cold flame. She snarled and held them out to her sides, building up a charge that exploded around her and sent Cerberus soldiers flying in all directions.

“ _Somebody call for backup?_ ” came Ashley’s voice over comms. Kaidan could almost hear the grin.

“Remind me never to leave the Normandy without you again,” Shepard replied breathlessly. “We need to get up to those AA guns.”

“ _Got it. We’ll cover you._ ”

Shepard nodded, glancing at Kaidan. “Alright, let’s haul ass.”

“Aye aye.”

Kaidan closed his eyes, only needing a moment of concentration before he’d built up a shield around himself and Shepard. Taking a deep breath, the pair of them darted out of cover, making a mad dash toward the gun towers. Kaidan’s shield sent bullets tinkling to the concrete, and Ashley picked off anyone that got too close. As they darted past and began to climb, Kaidan’s shield dropped, knowing Jack would pick up his slack. Without a word Jack did just that, throwing up a wall of blue and jeering at the oncoming soldiers with a manic grin.

They climbed onto the first tower, Kaidan jogging over to the gun while Shepard covered him from behind. “Rahna,” he called into his comm, circling around the gun and trying to spot the problem. “I’m at the first one.”

“ _Great, okay,_ ” she said, sounding a little tense. “ _It should just be a matter of manually activating the core, it’s a cylindrical-_ ”

“Found it,” Kaidan told her, reaching out to grab the handle.

“ _Good! Okay, just push it in and twist clockwise, it’ll lock into place and the gun will activate automatically._ ”

Kaidan followed her instructions, looking up as the gun came to life. It swiveled toward the remaining Cerberus forces and opened fire, mowing down about a quarter of their numbers within seconds before having to reload. Unfortunately, Cerberus air drops replenished the loss, even as the gun knocked one out of the sky, and Kaidan swore softly under his breath. They needed to get this shit on the road before Cerberus breached the depot.

“Next gun,” he shouted to Shepard, and the pair of them ran to the opposite end of the roof to activate the second.

A few bullets flew by and pinged off of their shoulder plates, but Ashley and Jack were holding off the vast majority of the attention. When they reached the second gun, Kaidan found the core on his own this time, shoving it inside place and stepping back as it got to work. Within seconds it had taken out an incoming Cerberus shuttle and sent it careening to the planet surface far below.

“Okay, that’s both of them!” he told Rahna. “Get the shuttles loaded up, we’re heading back inside.”

“ _Got it_.”

Kaidan disconnected and hopped down from the platform. The remaining Cerberus forces were being steadily picked off by the other two, and after a minute of him jumping in to assist, they were eradicated. The AA guns did their job, shooting Cerberus shuttles out of the sky and keeping reinforcements from overwhelming them.

“Let’s get inside,” Kaidan said, reaching to clap Ashley’s back as he passed by her. “Thanks for the save, as usual, guys.”

“You know us. Always on standby for ass saving,” Jack smirked, the four of them heading back inside the depot.

They hurried up to the second level, finding Rahna and Jacob, who looked much better now that he’d had some more time for the medigel to settle. He spotted them and lifted his chin briefly in greeting.

“Taylor,” Ashley grinned, clapping his back. “Nice to see you being all rebellious.”

“We’re so proud,” Jack smirked.

Kaidan shook his head at them, giving Jacob a dryly apologetic look. “What’s our status?”

Jacob snorted quietly, though he appeared too tense for a real smile. “We’ve already loaded the first shuttle with everyone under sixteen,” he replied. “We’re ready.”

Rahna chewed the inside of her lip, her eyes flitting up to the ceiling at the distant sounds of Cerberus shuttles careening to their deaths. “When should we leave?” she asked anxiously. “It still sounds hairy up there.”

Shepard glanced at Jacob, arms crossed over his hips. “Are we ready to go?”

Jacob sighed through his nose. “Almost,” he said. “But like Rahna said, it’s still hairy up there. And we don’t want to leave anything for the Illusive Man to find.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Send the kids out, and then we get everyone else evacuated one shuttle at a time. Carefully,” said Jacob. “It’ll take longer, but it’s the only way we can ensure everyone makes it out of here alive. We only get one shot at this.”

Shepard passed a hand over his mouth, nodding slowly. “Alright. Rahna, stand by,” he instructed, approaching the window. There was a clear view to the sky outside, where Cerberus shuttles were still approaching, attempting to dodge the fire of the AA guns and failing. “Alright, have the guns punch a hole in the perimeter and then release the first shuttle.”

“Got it,” Rahna nodded, frowning at her sensors. With her direction, the guns took out two oncoming shuttles at once, leaving the sky clear for the moment. “Shuttle one, go,” she said, pressing a finger to her comm.

The first shuttle lifted off, and Kaidan held his breath as it emerged from the depot’s garage. They rose into the air un-accosted, though, and the facility lit up with applause and cheering as the shuttle safely escaped.

Shepard nodded firmly. “Alright. Everyone head to the shuttle bay and-”

He was interrupted as the floor beneath them shook so violently it sent them stumbling.

“What was that?”

“Shit,” Rahna hissed. “Cerberus took out one of the AA guns! Troops are -”

She gasped as Jacob grabbed her around her waist, hauling her out of the way as the window they were standing under burst into a shower of glass. Cerberus soldiers dropped through the opening, weapons at the ready and their boots crunching on the scattered glass.

“Fuck’s sake,” Shepard snarled, then turned to Jacob and Rahna. “Get everyone out of here! Now!”

They both turned and pelted out of the room and into the hangar, Jacob running backward and laying down cover fire as they went. Kaidan and Shepard only had a split second to watch them make it out, before they were descended upon. These soldiers had thicker armor, bigger guns, and seemed much quicker and stronger than the others. Kaidan shuffled back, giving himself enough distance to set off a quick overload, frying their shields and making it easier to take them down. They were still quick, though, and Kaidan swore sharply as he was disarmed, the Cerberus soldier he was engaged with kicking his weapon and sending it skidding across the floor.

“Kaidan!”

Kaidan didn’t waste time responding, baring his teeth as he swatted the barrel of the gun away from him like an irritating fly. He grabbed the handle and kicked the soldier square in the gut. His armor seemed to absorb most of the damage but he did stumble, losing his hold on the rifle. Kaidan turned his own weapon on him and plugged him full of holes before he could recover.

“Nice!” Shepard cackled, taking out the last of them. “Not such a noodle anymore, eh?”

“Fuck you,” Kaidan replied, shouting over the sounds of gunfire in the next room. “Let’s get to the hangar and make sure they escape!”

Thankfully, all of the civilians were inside their shuttles. All, except for Rahna. Kaidan saw her and Jacob arguing fiercely as he tried to get her inside the last vehicle.

“It’s gonna be fine. You’re no use to anyone dead,” Jacob told her fiercely. “Get inside. Now!”

“I can’t run!” she insisted, scowling defiantly at him. “I can help!”

“Rahna,” Kaidan interrupted, giving her a look. “You have to go.”

“I-”

“We have this under control,” he told her firmly. “You need to stay with your people. They need you.”

She chewed the inside of her lip, her eyes wide as they flitted between his face, Jacob’s, and the hangar door. They could hear shouting and landing shuttles beyond it, the single AA gun no longer enough to protect them completely.

“Okay. Alright.” She kissed Jacob firmly, holding his cheeks in her hands. “You had better be safe.”

Jacob laughed quietly, squeezing her wrists. “I will. You, too.”

Rahna hugged Kaidan next, tightly and almost painfully. It brought back good memories. “And you. If you die right after we finally worked through all our drama, I’ll be pissed,” she smirked, echoing his sentiment from before.

He snorted, squeezing her briefly. “You got it. Now go. We’ll cover you.”

She ducked into the shuttle, closing the door tightly behind her. Kaidan, Shepard, Jacob, Ashley and Jack all headed to the hangar door, weapons at the ready as it slowly crawled up and open.

“Go, shuttle two,” Jacob said into his comm, and the vehicle rose.

As it exited the hangar, it was immediately pelted with bullets. Kaidan’s gut swooped as he realized the roof was now absolutely fucking crawling; Cerberus must have had released dozens of squads. All for the Illusive Man’s pride, and a handful of scientists. The shuttle escaped, but only by the skin of it’s teeth.

“Shit,” Jacob hissed. “We’re out of time. Shuttles 3 and 4, go now! And fast!”

The last two shuttles made a swift exit, and the two of them scattered the fire of the Cerberus forces enough that they were able to get away. Kaidan’s relief was short lived, as he realized that left the three of them to deal with the concentrated wrath of the swarm of soldiers. They dove into cover, John calling for an extraction with a voice so loud it broke as the gunfire became nearly deafening. Kaidan put up a shield around them, grimacing as the onslaught of bullets, grenades, and biotic kicks wore on him. He was briefly reminded of the Collector base, although that had been worse. He didn’t think he’d ever experience anything more horrible than that place. Jacob and Jack both lifted their hands to help him, but even their help wasn’t enough to stop sweat from rolling down his temples.

“ _Let’s go, let’s go!” came Cortez’s voice over comms. “Under heavy fire, move it!_ ”

“Alright, go time! Let’s keep the shield up!” Kaidan shouted, nodding to the others.

Together, the five of them made a mad dash for the landing zone, where Cortez was hovering and waiting on them. The hatch swung open as they drew closer, and Cortez stood in the doorway, covering them as they all leapt inside one after another. He slammed it closed as Ashley brought up the rear, narrowly dodging a particularly nasty bullet that buried itself in the opposite wall. Steve dove into the pilot’s chair once more and they took off, so quickly that they all lurched. Jack grabbed Ashley before she could roll down the length of the shuttle, none of them having had time to buckle up before Steve took off.

“Rahna,” said Jacob tensely, finger pressed to his ear. “Did everyone make it?” He sighed quietly, his shoulders relaxing. “Good.”

“If you have injured, you’re welcome on the Normandy,” Shepard told him. “We have plenty of supplies.”

“Hear that?” Jacob asked Rahna, nodding slowly as she replied. “Alright, we’ll see you there.” He disconnected, then leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Damn. That was close.”

“You’re welcome,” Jack drawled. “You’re lucky we came at all.”

Ashley frowned at her, but didn’t scold. Jack had every right to hate Cerberus, after all.

“I know,” Jacob replied, nodding seriously. “Thank you.”

“We’re just glad you’re all safe,” Kaidan said, removing his helmet and shaking out his hair.

“Yeah.” Jacob paused, watching him long enough that Kaidan was about to ask if there was something on his face. “Listen. About Rahna, man. I didn’t-”

Kaidan put up a hand. “Don’t. No need.”

“It just sounds like it was a weird situation,” Jacob grimaced. “I’m sorry. I would have said something, if I knew.”

Kaidan shook head. “I’m serious, it’s not a big deal. We were…a long time ago. And kids. And we moved on, and now everything’s fine. You don’t have to feel bad.”

Jacob nodded, rubbing his palms together nervously. “Okay. Just wanted to make sure everything was cool.”

“Everything’s cool,” Kaidan promised, smiling and squeezing his shoulder. “You guys are good together, I can tell.”

“Heh. Yeah, guess so.”

“Plus, I’m at max capacity dealing with this one,” Kaidan smirked, elbowing Shepard. “I’ve got no room for any more drama.”

Shepard scowled playfully, reaching to ruffle his sweaty hair. “Bite me, Major.”

* * *

Chawkwas and Rahna worked together to patch up the minor injuries the scientists and their families had sustained during the evacuation. Spare crew members helped set up sleeping accommodations wherever there was free space, the cargo bay covered in sleeping bags by the time they were finished. Shepard had extended the offer to transport them out of the system and somewhere they could safely plan their next steps.

It was late, now, most of the Normandy asleep or quiet at their stations. Kaidan sat in the crew lounge with Rahna, both of them nursing mugs of tea. More good memories - they’d both had trouble sleeping in BAaT (Rahna’s implant made her more likely to get nightmares or night terrors), and often sat with each other until they grew exhausted enough to pass out.

“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” Rahna murmured around the lip of her mug, frowning into space. “A weapon that can destroy something as powerful as a Reaper. It would cause mass devastation.”

“I don’t pretend to understand the details, but Liara says that it targets artificial life,” Kaidan told her. His voice was lowered, but he still felt he was loud in the silence. “All the best minds in the galaxy are working on it. They might even be able to hone it to specifically target Reapers.”

“One can dream.” Rahna continued to stare into space for a moment, slowly sipping her tea, wincing as it still burned a bit. “Who would I speak to, if I wanted to help?”

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose. “Uh. That’d be Admiral Hackett, with the Alliance. You want to help?”

“Of course. I know about weapons. I’ll know more once I’ve brushed up,” she smiled. “And if I’m not needed there, I could help on Earth.”

“Earth is devastated,” Kaidan told her firmly. “It’s dangerous.”

“I’ll have Jacob,” she reminded him. “I have to do something, Kaidan. Maybe I can’t fight like you, but I can fight like me.”

He lifted the corner of his mouth in a wan smile. “Yeah. Guess that’s true.”

Rahna reached across the table to squeeze his hand. Hers was clear, mostly unscarred, but the skin was dry and cracked in places. Probably from washing them all the time, Kaidan mused.

“I don’t need protecting anymore, okay?” she said.

“Sorry,” Kaidan grimaced, looking into his mug. “Old habits, I guess.”

“That’s just the kind of guy you are,” she smiled, settling back in her chair. “You take care of people.”

“Mm. I dunno.”

It was quiet between them as they finished off their tea, getting lost in their own thoughts and forgetting to speak. Eventually Rahna got to her feet, her mug now empty.

“Listen,” Kaidan said. “When you go…keep in touch, yeah? Better late than never to try the whole friend thing.”

She laughed quietly, patting his cheek with a playful palm. “I will. You, too.”

“I will.”

Rahna rinsed out her mug and put it back in the cupboard. She shuffled toward the elevator, squeezing Kaidan’s shoulder warmly as she passed, and then disappeared behind the doors. Kaidan let out a long breath once she was gone, rubbing his face with both hands. So fucking tired, all of his limbs felt like lead. He could practically feel gravity trying to pull him down to the floor until he was flat on his back and never got back up.

Instead of giving in to the temptation, he pushed himself out of his chair and went to get in bed with John.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH SHIT HI HELLO. If y'all are wondering where I've been, there's a post on my dreamwidth explaining what's up irl with me right now. Things should be back on schedule, fingers crossed. Thank you all so much for your patience and love <3

“Wait, so Anderson just gave you an apartment? He just gave it to you?”

“Yep,” Shepard grinned, his hands shoved into the pockets of his leather jacket and his teeth lit up by neon lights as they made their way down the Silversun Strip. The jacket was N7 brand of course, because Shepard was a fucking dork. God, Kaidan was obsessed with him.

“And how does that work with, y’know, rent payments?” Kaidan asked, smirking at the skip in Shepard’s step.

“Details, Alenko, details.”

They entered the apartment complex, which was quite a bit smaller than Kaidan had been imagining. Shepard led them down the hall to the right until they came upon an unassuming door, with a keypad beside it. Shepard entered the code, stabbing the keys with his fingertip because he could never do anything gently.

Well…almost nothing, anyway, Kaidan thought with a private smile.

The door swung open, and Shepard looked like he was about to fucking collapse for a moment.

“Holy shit!”

Kaidan laughed, definitely unable to argue with that. The place was beautiful, sleek and modern with an open floor plan and enormous windows. Shepard looked like a kid at Christmas, instantly taking off to open every door and cupboard in the place. Kaidan watched him with a quiet snicker as he rushed upstairs to investigate those rooms, as well.

“Guess it pays to be Anderson’s favorite, eh?”

“Sure does!” Shepard grinned, dashing back out and leaning precariously over the balcony.

“Careful, John,” Kaidan grimaced, reaching up by instinct even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to do anything much if the dumbass did topple over.

“Yeah, yeah. Come up here, babe, the bedroom’s insane!”

Kaidan tried and failed not to grin like a fool at the pet name. After dropping off Rahna, Jacob, and the others on the Citadel, Shepard had insisted that he and Kaidan needed a fucking break. Kaidan’s perpetual guilt and anxiety complexes both tried valiantly to find a reason why they couldn’t, but his exhaustion won out in the end. Anderson handing Shepard a lavish apartment had come at the perfect time, it seemed - the perfect excuse.

John hadn’t been kidding, Kaidan realized as he followed Shepard. The bedroom was insane. A huge bed, even bigger than the one in their cabin, and a hot tub in the bathroom which they would definitely be taking advantage of as soon as possible.

“Wait,” John said, pausing and grimacing as he glanced at Kaidan. “D’you think Anderson’s had Sanders here?”

Kaidan blinked at him for several long moments. “…I’d rather not know,” he decided. “Ignorance is bliss, as they say.”

“Right. Yeah. Plus, there’s always bleach.”

They both belly flopped onto the bed at once, groaning happily as they sank into the mattress.

“Alright, that’s it,” Shepard mumbled into a pillow. “We’re never leaving. What’s a Reaper?”

Kaidan snickered, rolling over to kiss his cheek sweetly. “Oh yeah? Think you could handle domesticity, Commander Shepard?” He squeaked as Shepard rolled onto his back, pulling on Kaidan until he was laying on top of him and straddling his hips.

“Not Commander Shepard anymore,” John corrected, grinning up at him with his hands curved around Kaidan’s ribs.

“You are to me,” Kaidan murmured, bending to kiss him softly.

John hummed quietly against his lips, sliding his hands underneath Kaidan’s t-shirt. Kaidan smiled, bracketing Shepard’s head with his arms and sliding both hands into his hair. He began to roll his hips, taking advantage of Shepard’s soft gasp to slip his tongue past his lips. He frowned when after a moment Shepard went still, no longer responding.

“What-”

“I thought I felt something.”

Kaidan blinked at him, then looked up as he felt it, too - the bed was shaking a bit, almost vibrating. It stopped, and Kaidan thought maybe they were both just imagining things, but then the vibrations started again, more powerful and gently rattling the pictures on the walls. Another moment of silence, and then the apartment shook so hard that there were crashes from downstairs, tinkling of glass and porcelain as pictures and vases fell onto the floor.

“The fuck is that?”

As if in response, an alarm blared all around them, so loud Kaidan clapped his hands to his ears by instinct.

“The evacuation alarms?” Shepard shouted over the noise. “What the hell is going on?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan called back. “Come on.”

The two of them snatched the weapons they’d brought with them off of the Normandy, sprinting out of the apartment and following the commotion. Kaidan swore internally; he’d known they should have worn their armor, even if they were on the Citadel. It was fucking war time, there were no safe spaces.

“Fuck’s sake,” Shepard muttered as they ran.

“You read my mind.”

Kaidan looked down as his omnitool blinked into life, Ashley’s name lit up on the screen. He answered quickly, keeping his eyes out in front of him as he ran.

“Where are you?”

“ _Coming up from the Wards with Jack,_ ” she replied, a little breathless. “ _Where are you?_ ”

“The Strip.”

“What the hell is going on?” Shepard asked, loud enough so Ash could hear him.

“ _Cerberus is attacking,_ ” Ashley said sharply. “ _Bastards. Most of the commotion is down by the Presidium; my guess is they’re after the Council._ ”

“Fucking fantastic,” John scoffed.

“Head that way, we’ll meet you there,” said Kaidan. “We’re already on our way.”

“ _Alright. Be careful._ ”

“You, too.”

Kaidan signed off, and he and John pushed harder, sprinting toward the sound of distant explosions and shouting. They were so focused on getting to the Presidium as fast as possible, they nearly toppled over their own feet skidding to a halt when a Cerberus squad rounded the corner.

“Cover!” Shepard shouted, and the pair of them tucked and rolled behind the nearest solid object, bullets pelting the ground where their feet had been moments ago.

“We’re fucked without armor!” Kaidan shouted, really missing his comm system as he could barely hear himself over the sound of gunfire. Shepard, apparently, couldn’t hear him at all from where has crouched, as he didn’t respond.

They traded bullets with the soldiers for a few minutes, Kaidan trying to maintain a shield in front of them with one hand while he fired his handgun with the other. He rolled up onto the balls of his feet, prepared to make a break for Shepard - he didn’t want to spend any more time separated without comms than they had to - when the wall to their left burst into a cloud of dust and rubble. John and Kaidan both lifted their arms to shield their faces, their forearms getting cut up as a result. When the dust cleared, a Cerberus mech was revealed, steadily making it’s way into the midst of the fire fight.

Kaidan could just barely hear Shepard shouting obscenities over the din - something about fucking him sideways, the usual.

The Cerberus soldiers fell back, giving the mech room to work. The soldier operating it seemed less interested in them and more in getting past them. He blasted a hole in the opposite wall, marching toward it with the ground soldiers flitting about the mech’s heels like ducklings around their mother. Kaidan grit his teeth and tried to overload the machine, succeeding in only giving himself a brief, stabbing pain at the base of his skull for his efforts - Cerberus had definitely upgraded their toys. The mech shoved it’s way through the hole it had created, it’s shoulders chipping away more concrete and causing a terrible racket. The whole place seemed to tremble, and Kaidan grunted as he felt the patter of rubble hitting the top of his head. He looked up and only had a moment to swear harshly before sprinting out of the way, a chunk of the ceiling at least twice as tall as him landing where he’d just been standing.

The piece of debris shook the floor as it landed, sending Kaidan stumbling and sprawling several feet. He groaned, pushing himself up to sit and rubbing his forehead as he waved the dust and grit away. He still managed to inhale some, and coughed and spat with a grimace.

“Fuck. Shepard!” He called, scrambling to his feet and jogging back to his previous location. “John! John, are you okay?”

He jumped as his omni-tool lit up and beeped at him, John’s name flashing on the screen. He scrambled to answer, his eyes flitting about for signs of more Cerberus forces.

“John, you alright?”

“I’m okay,” came Shepard’s voice. “I can’t find a way around, though, I can’t get to you. Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded quickly, even though John couldn’t see. “Just head for the Presidium and meet Jack and Ash. I’ll see you all there. We need to make sure the Council is evacuated.”

“Got it. Be careful.”

“You, too.”

Kaidan took a deep breath as they disconnected, tense as he made sure his weapon was properly loaded. He’d feel better if he wasn’t basically a sitting duck, on his own with a handgun and civvies. He spotted a stairway and set his jaw, heading toward it at a jog. He didn’t spend a lot of time on the Citadel, but he hoped he’d be able to get somewhere familiar and -

The blow came so quickly he didn’t even feel the pain of it until he was already staggering back and slamming against the nearest wall. He gasped, the sharp ache in his jaw pairing with the lancing shock down his spine. He recovered just in time to dodge another punch, ducking on instinct down and around his assailant - a human man clad in dark armor, shaded glasses covering his eyes and a long, glinting katana clutched in his fist. He didn’t attack again, instead slowly circling Kaidan and making him feel very much like a cornered animal.

“Who are you?” he asked warily, his eyes following the man’s progress. He spotted the Cerberus logo on his armor. “I never met you when I ran with Cerberus.”

“I’m not a social guy.”

It was unnerving, not being able to see his eyes. Kaidan could do nothing but wait for him to make a move, unable to read his intentions.

“That’s not an answer.”

The katana swung for his chest, and Kaidan threw up a quick shield, gritting his teeth as the blade bounced off and sent the man back a step. He caught himself gracefully, redirecting his own momentum and throwing himself toward Kaidan once more. No sooner had Kaidan lifted his pistol than he was disarmed, the firearm clattering to the floor and skidding several feet away. He swore harshly, gathering up concentrated points of biotic energy in each of his palms as he tried to put a bit of space between himself and his attacker. The man was relentless, though, his speed and accuracy almost inhuman as he continued to advance. Whenever Kaidan made a swipe for him, he seemed to disappear, dodging so quickly that Kaidan’s eyes couldn’t catch it. He snarled in frustration as he knew he was being toyed with, could feel himself growing exhausted as he played right into the man’s hands. Throwing his palms forward, he focused all of his energy on a Reave so powerful it tickled his teeth.

His biotics found no purchase, the space where the attacker had been standing empty in the space of a blink. Then, Kaidan cried out as he felt a pinch in his neck, lifting up a hand by instinct to clap a palm over the source of the pain. It stung, bad, and he staggered a step as a sick kind of chill ran through him, like he was about to pass out. He didn’t, though, surprising himself and actually frowning in confusion as he found himself still standing. Unwilling to argue with that kind of dumb luck, though, he threw out his palms again, prepared to rip the man apart just to get him to stop smirking.

Nothing happened. Nothing, except another cold wave of nausea and an odd sense of impending doom. He tried again, tried to focus and find the energy within himself that he’d known for so long he was another man entirely without it, but he couldn’t. His biotics wouldn’t spark. He only had a split second to look up at the other man, lift his fists on instinct, before a solid kick found his gut.

He coughed, surprised by the blow and staggering a few steps. His attacker had tossed aside his weapon now that Kaidan was truly unarmed; an odd sense of honor, or did he just want the pleasure of beating him with his own two hands?

Kaidan lifted his fists again, forearms outward in the defensive posture Shepard had taught him during their countless hand-to-hand lessons, but he was frazzled and the attacker was swift. More blows found his gut, ribs, and head than he could block. He forgot about Shepard’s teasing about his mouse-like scurrying, shuffling desperately backward and using up what was left of his energy trying to get away. Another sharp blow to the mouth and then his temple and he was on his hands and knees, sticky blood mixed with saliva flecking the pavement below him. He lifted his head, his vision swimming and his brain feeling like it was hammering against his skull, before the attacker’s knee found his nose. He felt the bone crunch and coughed as blood choked him, sprawling onto his back. He rolled over as blood flowed into his throat, coughing it back up and gasping as the attacker kicked his ribs this time, and he swore he could feel those crack, too. He snarled desperately, reaching out to grab at the man’s ankle and try to trip him up, maybe get the bastard to crack his head on the concrete, but all he managed was to get his arm yanked around and behind his back. His cried out as his shoulder threatened to pop out of it’s socket, and then it did, and then the attacker’s knee was digging into the center of his back.

Another blow, this time to the back of his head, and Kaidan’s ears rang and his vision went white. It cleared only to reveal a weak, fuzzy image of the world, now tilted as Kaidan grew so dizzy he had to rest his head on the ground, his skin scraping up against the rough concrete and his hair staining with his own blood. As he slowly lost his consciousness, he heard his assailant speaking as if from underwater.

“Sir. This is Kai Leng. I’ve apprehended Alenko; I’m bringing him in.”


End file.
